By this time, we’d gotten into a comfortable regime of him and Drew working late nights trying to get the pub ready for its opening night, which was closer than I was comfortable with, but in the end, it was their decision.
We’d spent almost the whole month of June in Europe, and both Drew and Colin were convinced Bardot would be open by the beginning of August. That left a month to hire a chef and enough bartenders. They’d decided four bartenders would be enough for the time being: two women and two men who both had very professional if sexy outfits. The men were to wear black stovepipe jeans and tight white tee shirts while the women were to wear short black jean skirts and tight white tee shirts. All the tee shirts had Bardot written in scarlet cursive and a famous Warhol-style photo of the actress with the same name in a sexy pose.
I didn’t want to know how much Drew and Colin had paid for the ability to use her likeness on the gear, but somehow she’d agreed though Colin confessed late one night the bar was named after the Bardot sisters—Caitlyn and I—not Brigitte, but they saw no problem with playing up the reputation that the bar was named after the infamous and notorious French actress.
I started work at uConnect like clockwork, but within a week of my employment, I found out the tech company rumor Caitlyn told me about was true, and it was later announced in a company-wide email that Blurt-It Corporation—one of the biggest tech companies outside of Google and Microsoft, not to mention homegrown, as it was and always had been a Seattle-based company—would acquire uConnect for an undisclosed amount of money.
My position as HR manager would be short-lived, though I was offered another cushiony position in the company that would guarantee a high salary and something more along the lines of what I would appreciate working toward. Blurt-It Corporation operated a Seattle chapter of HFFIN, or Homes for Families in Need, and they needed a new president of the division, as the present one was quitting to spend more time with her growing children. I happily accepted the position as soon as the transfer of ownership was complete.
Colin and I quickly settled into home life and found time to host Drew and Aubrey, who finally admitted to being a couple. They seemed happy and content with one another. She bought my Mini Cooper outright as Colin had two cars and there would be no where to put it.
She also wanted to buy me out of my ownership of the condo, but both Drew and I thought that could wait, as I was staying with Colin so it really made no difference. We’d managed to move most of my clothes, shoes, and toiletries over to Colin’s place with no problem at all, though I’d left my bed due to space issues. My former bedroom in the townhouse would be the official guest bedroom, and the third bedroom had been turned into the unofficial business office for Bardot.
It was on one of these late nights I had gotten used to when Colin came home slightly buzzed and pleaded for a shower before we sat down to talk. I enjoyed an Evian while I typed up the report I would be handing to the HR manager for Blurt-It Corporation, who would also inherit all the employees from uConnect. It was a general report about how the employees were used to being treated, the work environment at uConnect, and how to smoothly integrate the two companies’ philosophies.
I listened to my iPod and slowly read over what I had already written while adding or deleting along the way. It was technically finished but the following day, I would print out the report and go over it with a red pen before making the final corrections and handing it over to the HR manager at Blurt-It Corporation.
Every now and then, I would touch my non-existent belly. It was amazing that there was an actual life growing inside there, and no one was more surprised than me. I hadn’t suffered from much morning sickness except for a handful of times, but other than that, I could still wear my old clothes for now. The only part of my lifestyle that had changed was I had to quit smoking cold turkey, which wasn’t as hard as it had been several times before, and I never had more than a half a glass of red wine—usually Cabernet Sauvignon or Pinot Noir—if I drank at all.
Most of what I consumed was now a steady excess of water and caffeine-free tea. The caffeine withdrawals were definitely ten times worse than anything I faced with nicotine, but I figured I would try to rid all the toxins from my body while I was at it.
I closed my HP Envy laptop and set it on the glass coffee table as Colin walked in wearing nothing but a black terry cloth robe which set off his alabaster skin. The slight tan he’d brought back from Europe had faded, and we were both back to normal in terms of adjusting to both Seattle weather and the effects it caused on one’s mood.
Colin sat next to me and held me in his arms for a moment. “I’m going to get a beer. You want half a glass of Pinot Noir?”
“Sure. I have been getting the worst caffeine withdrawal headaches, so why not?” I remarked as I watched him stand and walk to the kitchen.
Sometimes my life still felt like a dream. Was it true? Were we a real couple who were expecting a baby, though we couldn’t be bothered to set a wedding date? Hell, he hadn’t proposed to me yet because he wanted us to go ring shopping together while I wanted him to take Caitlyn. I wasn’t comfortable picking out my own engagement ring.
He walked out of the kitchen carrying my half glass of exactly four ounces of red wine while he held a Newcastle in his other hand. I didn’t understand how he could stand the ale. It tasted foul and actually made Guinness taste pretty good, but he loved it.
Colin sat next to me. He looked tired and worn out, but I knew from the look on his face whatever he wanted to talk about was important to him. I sipped from my Pinot Noir before I set the wine glass on the coffee table.
“What’s going on? I know that look, so why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”
He swigged his Newcastle and set it next to my glass of wine. “That night neither Liam nor I want to talk about is what’s up. He told me if I told you I was just being selfish, that it would mean I was only thinking about myself and not you at all, but I have never been good with secrets. Even when we were kids and we did something wrong, I was the one who always revealed what happened to our parents. Liam would be fit to be tied, but I always felt better. Maybe he’s right. This isn’t about you, it is about me, but if I don’t tell you then I can’t ask you to marry me and we can’t begin a real life together.”
I slipped his hands within mine and held them tightly. “You know you can tell me anything and I will admit, for a moment, I might not be the nicest person, but I promise I will try to understand.”
Colin broke down with heart-wrenching sobs before he said a word. “That night…the one Liam doesn’t want you to know about…he hit someone and kept going. I screamed at him to stop, told him we should have called Seattle PD and an ambulance, but all he cared about was the company and his reputation. He said it was different for me because I didn’t have anything to lose but he had everything to lose and he couldn’t risk it, not over some homeless guy.”
Suddenly, I knew what was coming and my heart thudded in my chest with an intensity I hadn’t experienced since I’d had my first panic attack. It was the same feeling I’d had when I found out my father was dead.
Please God, don’t be this cruel to me. You have to be better than that…
I knew I might as well be yelling down an empty telephone, but I had to beg regardless. That night had nothing to do with me…with us.
“The next morning after the whole incident happened, neither one of us thought much about it. We thought perhaps we’d dreamed it up until we found out a distinguished gentleman had met his death the night before in a drunken hit and run. We weren’t drunk, we were high on those fucking Bath Salts, and neither one of us should have been in a car. Liam shouldn’t have been driving and if we’d called a taxi, your father would still be alive and perhaps we might never have met one another.”
Colin finally stared at me with reddened eyes and tears that seemed endless in their intensity. “I’m so very sorry, Deirdre. It’s our fault your father is dead. Liam ran him o
ver and I did nothing, so I am just as culpable as him. We parked the car in a rough neighborhood and it was stolen by a couple of thugs who took it on a joy ride. They totaled it, and it was the only reason we were never questioned. Liam reported the car stolen the night we got back to his condo to cover his ass because we left the keys in the ignition and the doors open. Who wouldn’t have stolen it? We met the cab driver several blocks from where we parked the car and claimed we got into a fight with our designated driver and he dumped us off on that side of town. The cabbie took pity on us and made sure we got back here safe and sound. Liam gave him a one-hundred-dollar tip, and I passed out in his guest bedroom. Over the months, the whole picture has slowly come back to me, and I promised I would do whatever it took to keep you safe. I stole the one person who could keep his daughter safe, and I thought it was the best I could do. How did I know I would fall in love with you and feel like you not being in my life would be worse than if it had been me out there that night? I would have rather been run over and murdered than do what we did to your father. And to just leave him there…I hate myself for what I allowed to happen.”
I had no idea when I had started crying, but my face was also wet with tears as I embraced him without thinking.
What he did was unforgivable, and I should have gotten up and walked out of his life at that very moment, but I couldn’t imagine Colin not being in my life. No one ever said this journey we lived made sense. Hell, no one mentioned God had a hell of a sense of humor, that I would fall in love with the man who was directly responsible for the death of my father. However, I had fallen in love with him, and to walk away wasn’t quite that easy.
I pulled away and held his face in my hands. His eyes were bloodshot, and the tears continued to fall. “Listen to me. We’ll take this one day at a time. I want to hate you—God knows I want you to know Liam was right and I would have rather never known—but I also know why you told me. I can’t forget what you told me, but you can do something better than that.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“You can forgive yourself and promise never to break my heart. It’s already been broken, but somehow I can’t fault you or Liam. It happened, and all we can do is go from here. Don’t you agree?”
“Yes,” he whispered.
“And listen to me, you won’t tell anyone about this. This will be left between Liam, you and I, you got that? You are stronger than that, and you will make a wonderful father to our unborn child and a terrific husband to me.”
We separated and he stumbled to the kitchen counter, where he grabbed several sheets of Kleenex and cleaned his face. His nose and cheeks were red with emotion, and his eyes were bloodshot, but he looked human.
“Oui, c'est mal, si mal, mais je pardon toi,” I said in a low voice before I embraced him.
Yes, it’s bad, very bad, but I forgive you.
“It can’t be that easy, Deirdre. He was your father and Caitlyn’s too. He was also your mother’s husband.”
“My mother has been dead for a very long time, Colin,” I replied in a cold tone.
The aftermath would be something we would have to face in the future but at that moment, I needed to live for the now and remember to breathe. This incident had changed our destiny, but it was something that would have to be dealt with another day. Until then, we had the here and now and each other.
Epilogue
Although it might have been considered a conflict of interest, I found myself drawn to Dr. van der Meer’s sofa once again.
It was the morning after.
My best friend, lover, and the man who would become my husband had admitted to murdering my father with his brother via vehicular manslaughter. They’d never turned themselves in, and the crime was still on the books as being unsolved.
I’d forgiven him, not because I wanted to but because I had to. How else would I be able to live with him or myself if I couldn’t love all of him, even if that included the part that had taken something so precious from me, I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes for long periods of time.
Our relationship couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to last if I didn’t start trying to heal, so I did what I had to do. I made an appointment to see his father, my psychiatrist. I’d known Colin’s father longer than I’d known him.
Unlike Colin, he knew all my secrets and could probably guess my mood just by the look on my face.
In the beginning, some of our sessions had been productive and others hadn’t. So why did I feel like this was one of our first sessions as I played with the hem of my vibrant red boyfriend cashmere sweater? The sweater was perfect because it was long enough to cover my ass but short enough that it still showed off a great body that was in tip top shape now, but give me another three months and I probably wouldn’t be able to wear anything in my closet.
Another reason I had no choice but to forgive my fiancé.
He’d also gotten me pregnant on our whirlwind European vacation.
Somehow hating the father of my child didn’t seem like a healthy or conducive way to raise a human being that was both his and mine.
“You’re quiet today.”
I looked at Dr. van der Meer and quickly turned my head back to the hem of my sweater. “I had a speech all planned out…” My voice caught in my throat before a light burst of laughter filled the room. “It just sounded like bullshit, so I decided against telling you what I thought you’d want to hear.”
“And what is it you think I want to hear, Deirdre?”
“That’s the point. I just don’t know anymore and…at this point, I need to get some stuff off my chest, but I really need you to reassure me of something.”
He studied me before he wrote a few notes down in a leather binder. “I can’t reassure you of anything at all if I don’t know what it is. Furthermore, even after you tell me, I still can’t promise that what I will tell you will be reassuring. I’m here to help your brain and your body come to terms with the death of your father. I’m not Dr. Feelgood.”
“Yeah, I kinda figured you’d say something like that.” My thoughts raced in my head as I continued. “I want a healthy relationship, but does that mean I have to reveal everything about myself to my spouse? Is there anything I can keep to myself without feeling like such a coward?”
“I’m not exactly sure what you mean. Are you talking about fantasies or secrets?”
I turned toward the good doctor. “Is there a difference?”
“Absolutely. Fantasies are your own. If you ever want to live them out, as long as they aren’t dangerous to you or your partner, then you are free to tell your spouse. If they are just something that is in your mind and they are not harmful to your thought processes, your needs, and pose no real damage when it comes to your psychological and physical health then you are free to keep them to yourself. Marriage is itself an act of becoming unselfish and sharing yourself with another person, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose your own identity, Deirdre.”
I nodded. “What about secrets?”
Dr. van der Meer’s blue eyes lit up with a hint of alarm. “Now secrets—those are dangerous, my dear. Marriage is also about communication. If you fail to communicate with your partner, then there will be a breakdown between the two of you. Neither of you can read minds. This is what leads to the downfall of a relationship and will eventually cause a slow death. Not just of those really mushy feelings we think of when we approach a relationship, but the ones that are at the foundation of the relationship itself.”
He set his leather binder down and leaned toward me. “Think of a marriage as The Titanic. Secrets are icebergs. Some can be avoided and the ship will stay afloat, but a major one can hit. Although it seems like not much damage is done, it’s already risen over the bulkheads. The ship—it signifies your relationship—has already began to sink. Like the ship, you don’t realize it at first but as time goes by, you realize something is terribly wrong. Nothing feels right. Before you realize the relationship is dying, i
t’s too late. You can’t fix it because the trust, which symbolizes the hull of the ship, is broken. Though you are united by law, children, and the rings on your finger, you are living two separate lives. Your marriage is as underwater as that broken ship and will never be the same again.”
I smiled, though it was hard to do at that point. “Thank you for seeing me, Dr. van der Meer. I think I know what I must do.”
As I stood, he walked over and grabbed my hands, holding them into his. “Is everything all right with you and Colin?”
“Yes. There aren’t any secrets between us, but I hate to be thought of as a victim. I’m not perfect, and we built this relationship together. I want to be able to love and trust him enough with his secrets the same way he can love and trust me with mine. If that makes sense,” I explained in a soft voice.
“Colin is a good man. Believe me, Deirdre, he’ll understand. You have forgiven him, and that was the hard part. Now it’s time for you to have a little faith in him and show him the same courtesy. Your secrets won’t destroy him. They can only make your relationship that much more solid.”
I nodded my head again, embraced my future father-in-law, and left the building.
Somehow, I managed to get through the day, the vast majority of which I spent walking around Pike Place and watching the tourists take in the beauty that was a famous Seattle landmark. They looked so joyous and carefree, but I had an aching feeling in my heart that I’d never be as joyous and carefree as those around me again.
Europe was a dream vacation, but coming home brought me back to reality. I couldn’t hide from that simple truth no matter how much I tried to. I drove back to me and Colin’s luxury apartment building and walked inside our spotless home that would have a noisy, fussy baby in less than a year.
“I hope you didn’t cook because I brought home dinner,” Colin whispered in my ear, almost making me jump out of my own skin.
Atonement (The Atonement Duet Book 1) Page 21
