by Shey Stahl
When I got inside the car, Kyle was laughing so hard he could barely speak. Eventually he stringed together: “That was awesome,” And then followed up with a concerned gaze and, “Remind me never to piss you off.”
Pulling through the gates, I saw Jameson getting into a black SUV with Chelsea. Not that I really gave it much effort, but I couldn’t help the sobs that broke through when he glanced back at me. I knew he couldn’t see me with the blacked out windows but I saw him and that alone was enough.
I felt bad for Kyle, having to drive me to the airport while I cried like a baby but he was a trooper and let me be. Every time he tried to help or comfort me, I just sobbed harder so he finally gave up and just let me cry it out.
I had no idea this would feel so horrible when I decided that night in Charlotte to do whatever this was I did. The pain, the regret, and the sadness that I felt, was overwhelming.
The most overwhelming part about it was given the chance; I’d do it all over again right now if he asked me to.
I hated how he consumed my thoughts. I hated how every decision I made was with him in mind. If you’ve never had someone control you this way, without knowing, you couldn’t understand how I felt and how much it bothered me to feel that way.
So my crazy-irrational-break-your-heart-logic was crazy-irrational-break-your-heart-logic after all. It was one hell of a three weeks. My crankcase had seen more align boring and press forging in those three weeks than ever before. I couldn’t say I regretted doing any of it because I didn’t. I don’t regret anything that happened, it was the best three weeks I could have imagined. I wished he would see that I was enough for him and that he didn’t have to ask me to stay. I would have stayed just to be with him but I’m not what he needs.
Maybe Chelsea was what he needed, someone without obligations back home, someone who could be there for him every weekend.
Damn you crazy-irrational-break-your-heart-logic. Damn you.
Now I needed to go find that support group for pit lizards who got their heart broken because this pit lizard, currently crying her eyes out on a plane back to Washington, had her heart broken.
I didn’t care that the entire plane was staring at me like I’d lost my mind because really, I could give a flying fuck what they thought.
When the passengers next to me started putting in their headphones, I really wanted to stand up and shout something completely inappropriate like, “Jesus Christ, I have crabs, give a girl and break!” but I didn’t.
Instead, I sat there and sobbed my broken pit lizard heart out, occasionally blowing my nose really hard and asking the woman next to me to hold my snotty tissues.
That’s what she deserved for putting headphones on and acting like I didn’t exist.
Once I arrived back at the Sea-Tac Airport, I was walking to get my bags when I passed by a sports bar with highlights of today’s NASCAR race.
Naturally, I stopped, broken hearted or not, I just want a glimpse of him.
I caught the last half of the highlights. “While Bobby Cole went on to win the race, his hotheaded teammate “Rowdy Riley”, didn’t fare so well in the race or the hit he took in the race for the championship. Fox Sports tried to catch up with Jameson after the race, a representative for the team said he declined any interviews.”
They cut to a view of his hauler. “It appears this hotheaded rookie took his frustrations with today’s DNF rather hard and out on his team’s equipment. It was reported that Jameson destroyed the teams hauler not more than fifteen minutes after this afternoons race when he wrecked in turn two, causing some thirty thousand dollars damage in equipment.”
Knowing I was behind the temperament, I stopped listening after that. I also knew my heart was in about a million pieces right then but I couldn’t help but want to be there with him.
It had only been four hours since I last saw him and I was already tempted to fly back to him and tell him I’d be anything he wanted me to be as long as I was with him.
You’re pathetic Sway, absolutely fucking pathetic. Go find your support group.
Back in the state of constant rain, I hardly notice the steady rain with the steady stream of my own waterworks.
I found my truck quickly. After all, it was the only 1979 primer red Ford pickup in a lot full of Lexus and Mercedes. My poor little red dragon had been sitting here for three weeks. I was actually surprised she even started.
I turned on the radio, hoping music would relax me but it didn’t, because the first thing that came on was once again ESPN news. What was even more surprising and had me moments away from calling Jimi was their breaking news.
“This just in, after Jameson Riley reportedly destroyed his team hauler and personal motor coach in a fit of anger after this afternoon’s race, he didn’t stop at that. He was apparently arrested prior to getting on his private jet in California to return to his home town of Elma Washington.”
Say what?
“The charges haven’t been released but it’s rumored his was arrested for suspicion of sexual assault against a young woman, Chelsea Adams, former high school sweetheart of his.”
Immediately I called Emma, who answered on the first ring, more than likely waiting for my call.
“What the fuck happened since I left?” I shouted before she even had a chance to finish her greeting.
“Sway?”
“Yes it’s Sway.” I wasted no time throwing out the questions. “What happened? Why was he arrested?”
“He was arrested.” She stated in a soft voice, sounding frightened.
“For fucks sake Emma, I know he was arrested.” I shouted. “What’s the matter, what happened?”
Emma was quiet for a moment. “We don’t know what happened.” She sighed. “Chelsea and Jameson left the track together. None of us saw him for about three hours. When Ethan dropped him off at the jet, the police showed up and said he was under arrest for sexual assault. Jameson didn’t say anything to us but by the look on his face, I’m not sure what he did. I’ve never seen him like that, he wasn’t Jameson.”
“Emma?”
“Yeah?”
“Was he coming to Elma?’
“Yes.”
11. Marbles – Jameson
Marbles – These are bits of rubber scrubbed off tires when cornering. These small balls collect on the outside of the turn, and if a car goes wide (into the marbles, or “the gray”, referring to the lighter appearance of an area covered with marbles), then grip is lost. In addition, this rubber debris will stick to the hot tires and cause poor traction for the next few corners until they are rubbed off the tire.
Over the years, my life had been shifting and now, I didn’t know who I was anymore unless I was with Sway.
When your life is one long continuum of sleepless nights, exacting obligations, and frivolous women, veracity is something you cherish.
I had that with Sway, always had. That also wasn’t something I wanted to give up either.
That was until Charlie had me keep a secret for him, a secret that had the power to destroy all of us but more importantly, Sway.
“Jameson, it’s Charlie,”
“Uh...hey, Charlie,” I answered hesitantly knowing why he was calling.
He cleared his throat. “I’m not calling to lecture you about my daughter, though I should.”
“All right,”
Charlie thought my intentions were wrong and I thought his intentions were wrong. We didn’t see eye-to-eye most of the time.
“What I’m calling about is the negotiations for the track.”
I swallowed hard. I knew this was coming soon but I didn’t think it would be this soon.
“Oh...did Phillip draft the paperwork for you?”
“He did, thank you. Tate has the paperwork for you to sign since he was here last weekend.”
“All right...” I sighed. “How long?”
He gave his own deep sigh. “Six months...maybe less.” You couldn’t miss the sadness in his voice. H
e didn’t want this anymore than I did.
It felt like Mike Tyson punched me in the stomach as I slide back against the wall in the hauler, letting my head fall forward. “Does Sway have any idea?”
“No,” he answered immediately. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything. Tate said he let something slip last weekend. I’d like to tell her myself. She deserves that much.”
It pissed me off to no end that he hadn’t told her yet anyways. This is not something you keep from your only daughter who lost a mother at six years old.
“I understand.” I choked on the verge of tears. We may not see eye to eye but I still loved him.
“She’s coming home Monday, right?”
“Actually, her flight leaves tonight after the race. She wanted to be home before the Northern Sprint Tour and the Outlaws.”
“I appreciate that. I need her here with me.” He paused and I could tell he was choking up. “For a long time, I thought you were using her but I see it. I know you love my daughter. And I know how much she loves you.”
I was quiet. I didn’t know what to say.
“Jameson...are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just...I want to be there for her but I can’t.” I had so many obligations I couldn’t get out of.
“I know the feeling.” He agreed.
“When are you going to tell her?”
Maybe if he knew when, I could make a trip to see her and help her through it.
“I’m not sure yet...it’s not the type of news you just spring on someone the moment they walk through the door, you know.”
That conversation replayed in my head constantly.
The thought of Sway being without both her parents was literally making me sick. The thought of Sway being without me, was literally making me sick.
So the moment she walked inside the hauler prior to the race—I literally got sick.
First, I told her I love her, then, I told her we couldn’t be together, and now when she gets home, her dad is going to tell her he won’t be around much longer.
If that’s not fucked up—I don’t know what is.
Charlie was diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer a year ago. Sway was in college at the time, focusing on her getting her degree, which Charlie pushed because of his sickness. He wanted her to take over the day-to-day operations of the track when he was gone. I thought it selfish of him and he thought I was selfish for not providing Sway with the relationship she deserved.
A few months ago, I received a call from him stating that he wanted to meet with me and discuss some things. Worried something was wrong with Sway—I caught the next flight out and was in Elma later that night, where he told me he was dying. I freaked out, almost punched in the face for leaving Sway when he was the only family she had left, but then the anger subsided and the grief set in. I’d known Charlie since I was seven and over the years he’d become just as much of a father to me as Jimi was.
He’d continued treatments over the last year, all without Sway’s acknowledgment, but now the treatments had run out. The cancer that started in his brain—had now spread to the rest of his body.
Charlie had begged me not to tell Sway because he wanted to tell her himself. But how do you tell your only child you’re dying?
It’s not a conversation you bring up at the dinner table...and with Sway already losing her mother at such a young age to cancer as well, Charlie was having a hard time with it. So instead of dealing with reality and preparing her for the loss, he prepared her future, the future he wanted for her. As you can see, I was defensive and fairly grouchy when this topic was brought up.
But really, could you blame me?
When I flew out to see him in March, he asked that I take over ownership of Grays Harbor Raceway from him. Charlie knew he’d need to sell it. Sway wouldn’t be able to handle running the track and ownership all at once.
The plan was for me to take over ownership, Sway would run the day-to-day operations with the help of Mallory and Emily, with Mark Kelly continuing as the track facilitator. There were a handful at maintenance guys but other than that, there just wasn’t a lot of help around there. Not only that, but Charlie just didn’t have the financial capability to hire more. I did though. For everything he put into that track, he wanted and deserved it to be in capable hands.
I didn’t have time to deal with the operation of an entire raceway but I damn sure wasn’t about to let the track and the people who gave me my start down, so I agreed.
I was completely against Charlie insisting Sway take over the operation of the track but he was convinced this was what Sway wanted. Part of me blamed him for the reason why I couldn’t be with Sway. Instead of thinking of his daughter’s happiness, or my happiness, he came up with the plan for her.
The only other person who knew Charlie was sick was Mark Kelly and my attorney Phillip Clemons. Tate and others noticed how sick he was but Sway didn’t.
Sway was obtuse to a lot of things in this world. She was just like her mother at times but that was Sway, crazy irrational caprice natured Sway, that I was madly in love with. I hardly recognized myself without her. I was so confused for so long, wondering what was real in the life I was living; that I never looked at was right in front of me, until she left Daytona in February.
She was there when my career began and I had no doubt in my mind Sway would be there when it ended. I had chosen this profession to follow my dreams and exchange it felt as though I was sacrificing my sanity to do so, not to mention my personal life—I had no personal life. And the personal life I wanted, I couldn’t have, or at least I thought I couldn’t have.
I don’t know when my relationship with Sway went from platonic to something more but to this day, I could vividly remember the numbness I felt when she was no longer there every day and the emptiness I felt. When I met Sway, how could I have known that years later our lives would be intertwined to the point of codependency?
Codependency is a strong word when you think about it. Normally I’d associated it with some sort of chemical dependency and really, that’s exactly what Sway was to me. I felt the same blissful high when she was around and the wretched withdrawal when she wasn’t.
When Charlie insisted that she go back to college and become an adult as he put it, I saw how much it hurt her to leave but she did it anyways because he asked her to. Knowing why she did it, how would it be okay for me to do the same and ask her to stay? Selfish right?
Well, I did something even more selfish by asking her to stay with me for three weeks, and then telling her that “friends with benefits” was all I could offer her.
I honestly thought that’s all I could offer her and I honestly thought that’s what she wanted from me. I couldn’t ask her to give up everything and follow me around like the pit lizard everyone thought she was to me.
What I failed to realize was since Sway’s first sexual experience, that’s all she has ever been to men and now, I demeaned her in the worst way.
Sitting there in my car, getting ready for the Sears Point race, I couldn’t focus on anything but Sway needing me when she went home, so when I looked up, hoping Sway would come by once more prior to the race and saw Chelsea, I was shocked. I’d seen her around the track but hadn’t actually spoken to her since the day I left Elma five years ago.
“What do you want?” I seethed. We didn’t exactly part on good terms back then.
If there was one person I hated most on this earth, it was Chelsea...well Darrin too...and let’s not forget about Mariah. All right, so I hated a lot of people but for good fucking reason.
“Oh, Jay, don’t be like that.” She uttered skimming her fingers along the window net of my car. “I know you missed me.”
I cringed, she made my skin crawl, “Don’t call me Jay for one,” I snapped refusing to make eye contact with her. “And what the fuck do you want? Get off my race car, you’ll taint it.”
“I have some paper work to give you.” She smiled. “Tate said he need
ed me to give it to you, he has to fly to Nashville tonight.”
My pessimistic nature got the best of me as I glowered at her.
“All right,” I agreed with a good amount of hesitation. “I’ll meet you after the race.”
She smiled. “See you then.”
Wary of her intentions, I watched her walk away, making sure she didn’t go near Sway. The way she strutted made me choke back bile that I was ever involved with her.
Though my gut was telling me otherwise, I really hoped it wasn’t a ploy to get me alone. This had debauchedness written all over it but I needed that title transfer, and more importantly, I needed that without Sway’s knowledge of it. If she knew about the transfer then she’d know something was wrong with Charlie. For one, I promised him and two, I really didn’t want to be the one that told her.
When Chelsea was out of sight and I knew she hadn’t stopped at the pit box where Sway was, I looked away but quickly looked back when I saw a wide pair of emerald bemused eyes staring back at me.
What felt like a knife stabbing in my chest, was seeing tears streaming down her cheeks—even fifteen feet away. I was breathing heavy. I felt as though I was going to have a heart attack any second if I didn’t get out of this car right then and run to her.
Thankfully, Spencer stuck his head in the window and brought me back to reality. Wanting to comfort her, I’d already undone my belts to get out.
“You got this dude,” Spencer bumped my fist with his own. “Be smart out there.”
I didn’t say anything but motioned for him to raise the net with a flick of my wrist, the gnawing feeling deep inside began to ease.
Knowing what was on the line, I had to get focused. I couldn’t afford another mishap on the track after last week, let alone another DNF. As it was, I had already slipped to fourth in the standings with the dock in points.
“Jameson, it’s Aiden. Watch your temps today. Cole’s already saying his arm high. But I guess...well, just see how it goes...”
Here we go again. Aiden could never actually say what he needed to.
