by Shey Stahl
“I haven’t talked to him since I left Sonoma. I think he’s in North Dakota...if he got out of jail that is.” My voice was bitter despite me not being mad at him.
“He was released this morning.” Alley laughed. “Jimi made him spend the night in jail.”
“Oh,” Was all I said.
I also hated that he hadn’t even called. I mean, I know we parted on ill terms but just because we had one fight didn’t mean I stopped being his best friend.
But then again, he was in jail.
“Do you think he did what they charged him with?”
“No.” she replied with no hesitation. “I had a meeting with Simplex this morning and briefed them on everything. There is no way in hell he sexually assaulted her, no way. Chelsea claimed he assaulted her, which from his statement with Phillip he pushed her off him so yes, that could be considered assault because let’s face it, Jameson is never gentle. But she also claimed he forced her to give him oral sex,” she raised her hand when I gasped. “He didn’t.”
“I wonder what she’s out to prove.”
“Jameson said she wants him back.”
“Well, he’s a free agent so...” I hated saying that but I would never be more than his pit lizard with his determined benefits. He made that clear.
“He’s not a free agent Sway and he never was. Jameson loves you, he always has. I knew that when I first met you two on that plane ride when we were kids.”
“Then why did you not want us together?”
“Because...Jameson has a lot of growing up to do and if you haven’t noticed, he’s a fucking child with text book anger issues. He should be medicated.”
I drew in a heavy breath. “Why do I love him? Why am I ready to just forget everything just to hear him say he loves me?” I whined.
Alley laughed again. “Sweetie, that’s love. Why do you think I stay with Spencer? Yeah, our three-year-old son is more mature than he is but Spencer has always been there for me. When you love someone, you love them for who they are, not for who they could become or who you think they should be. You love them and their faults.”
Alley was right. Yes Jameson kept a secret from me, led me to believe we could have a relationship, and then quickly put it to an end when he found out my feelings were the same as his but even with all that...I loved him. I loved the cocky arrogant crazy Jameson, with his extreme anger problem and his dirty heathen talking. I loved him for who he was, regardless of his faults. So despite the fact that he said we couldn’t be together, nothing changed. I still loved him.
I’m so pathetic!
“Where is Jameson now?” Intending to get up, I hunched forward but realized I’d been sitting there too long.
“Here...but I’m not sure where,” she grunted heaving me up with her. “I flew out with Lane. We leave tonight for Loudon. Jameson has to be in North Dakota for a meeting with Simplex tomorrow morning. They are thinking of sponsoring his sprint car team but now they want to discuss his sponsorship.”
“How come?”
“Tate and Marcus, the President of Simplex, are good friends, which is how Jameson and Riley Racing got the sponsorship in the first place. Tate was not pleased that Jameson supposedly assaulted Chelsea so what did he do, he called Marcus and told him to drop the sponsorship without even talking to Jameson about it. Now Jameson has to tell his side of the story,” Alley led me towards her rental car.
“Where are we going?”
“You need to get some sleep sweetie.” Her phone beeped once and she glanced at it quickly before smiling. “Let’s go.”
“Can I at least have Jack back?” I reached for the bottle still in her hand.
“No.” she jerked it back.
“Why?”
“Because someone else is waiting for you,” she smiled halfheartedly tucking the bottle away. “You need to be sober for this conversation.”
We drove the mile down highway eight until we made it back to my house.
Once she pulled in the driveway she looked over at me, “I’m going to head inside.” Her eyes looked past me toward the chain-linked fence along side of the house.
I followed her gaze and was met with the last person I thought I would see in that moment.
Jameson.
Standing there leaned up against the fence, it was evident he hadn’t slept by the dark circles under his blood shot eyes. Agitatedly he ran his hand through his mess of hair repeatedly.
He was waiting for me.
When I saw him, the tears immediately returned.
I wasn’t mad that he didn’t tell me nor was I mad about what happened in Sonoma—I couldn’t be. I loved him regardless of what he did and as unhealthy as that may be, it was the truth.
With my mom dying and now, Charlie being sick, that proved to me that I couldn’t take this life I’d been given for granted. I couldn’t waste time on being upset or regretting the past.
What good what that do me?
When you had lemons...make lemonade...right?
Stepping from the car, his hands were in his hair. I knew then, by looking at him, he was hurting inside just as much.
Jameson never wanted to hurt me, nor did he want to keep a secret from me. I knew my best friend and that was not something he would have wanted to do.
He didn’t move from his place against the fence. Shifting his weight, he looked down at his feet when noticed me standing beside the car. That restlessness visible in Charlotte had returned. Only now, it was easy to see that restlessness was a loneliness this lifestyle had created for him.
I trudged over to him, staring at my feet with each heavy step. My face is red, swollen and pathetic looking but I’d been through hell today...who gave a shit how horrible I looked.
Once I reached him, he sighed heavily and nodded his head once, as if he was giving himself some sort of pep talk.
When he spoke, it was low and soft. “I know you hate me...and I hate myself for it.” The despondence in his tone unnerves me.
“I don’t hate you.” I answered immediately wanting to punch myself for sounding so fickle, romance novel, dumb heroine with no spine but it was the truth, I didn’t hate him. I never would. “I could never hate you.”
Jameson’s lips twitched slightly into a half smile. He opened his mouth as though he was going to say something but then he sighed and looked down again. He was nervous, that vulnerability shinning.
Wanting to ease him, I sat down on the ground beside him. It only took a moment before he slid down the fence, our shoulders touching. Of course, the pathetic in love pit lizard in me leaned her head against his hard warm shoulder.
And just as instinctively as our bond was to the chain-link fence behind us, his head leaned against mine.
“There’s so much I wanted to say and do in this moment but...I froze. Now I don’t know what to say, or do.” He whispered into my hair placing a kiss on the side of my head, his voice riddled with repentance. “I’m sorry.”
“Let’s just sit here for a little while.” I suggested.
I didn’t want to go back inside right away. Fresh air would do me some good. For one, if I saw Charlie, I would burst into tears again and two, I had no desire to see the Lucifer twins. It was also evident by my appearance and the spinning; I had a little too much to drink.
Jameson noticed quickly when I hiccupped. “Have you been drinking?”
I must have been swaying more than I thought. “Just a little,”
“How much is a little?” He asked slightly amused, slightly confused and maybe a fraction concerned.
“Couple shots,” I told him. “Half a bottle,”
“There’s a big difference between a couple shots and a half bottle, Sway.”
“Could have been a whole bottle,” I said glancing towards the road as Patrick, our neighbor, arrived home. “I don’t really know. Alley stole it.”
He hummed in response but said nothing coherent.
We sat there for what seemed like days but really on
ly around an hour before the sun started setting. The cool air felt good against my flushed cheeks, a relief from the intensity surrounding me.
I decided we’d sat here long enough without speaking and on top of that, my ass was soaked from the wet grass or I peed myself. I was certain I’d know if I pissed myself. I’d been down that road before.
“Are you just taking over ownership because Charlie asked you to? I mean...you don’t have to. I know how much responsibility you already have.”
I felt him shake his head. “No, I want to. I don’t...” he paused, drawing in a shaky breath. “I can’t leave this all to you. I want to be there to help you and I don’t want the track in the hands of just anyone. I became who I am today right here in this town, with you. I can’t just turn my back on it now.”
It made sense. If Jameson or even Jimi didn’t take over ownership, we’d have to sell the track. I couldn’t do it by myself and Mark couldn’t either. Knowing this, Charlie had thought the decision through. Jameson was young, determined, and business savvy. He was perfect for the job.
“I didn’t...I didn’t leave with Chelsea to upset you.” He told me. “She had the title transfer I needed to sign, well, so I thought she did.”
“So you didn’t sexually assault her?”
“No,” he balked. “Well, I pushed her off me, but nothing sexual happened.”
I nodded but didn’t say anymore.
Jameson shifted drawing me into his warm comforting arms. Turning, I faced him looking deep into his eyes.
I saw it then, for the first time. The regret, the love, the quilt, the stress, everything that defined him was there. It was where that restlessness and that vulnerability stemmed from. He carried so much on his shoulders at such a young age. How was track ownership going to help any of this?
“Jameson, I don’t think you should take over. Maybe Jimi—”
His warm calloused fingers silenced me. “It’s already done, Sway.” He shook his head soberly as though he never entertained the idea of not taking over. “I’m the new owner of Grays Harbor Raceway as of two o’clock today.”
“Jameson,” I breathed. “How is this going to work? I—”
His fingers silenced me yet again, he blinked slowly not liking the reminder that this was a difficult situation. Then, with the same slow blink, the pain in his eyes hardened into that fire I always saw in him. That determination to prove to everyone he could be more than Jimi Riley’s son; was there again. Only now, he was determined to run with what was handed to him. “I can do this...but I can’t without you, honey.”
“What?”
“I need you...I know that I’ve made some mistakes...okay that’s a lie. I’ve fucked up big time but I can’t breathe without you next to me. It literally fucking hurts without you.”
“You’re so romantic.” I laughed once at his use of the “fuck” word.
“I know...” he agreed with a small smile.
“I need you too.” I replied softly. I wasn’t lying. I needed him now more than ever.
He surprised me when he said. “You don’t though and I don’t deserve you.”
“You’re what I want.”
“You shouldn’t.” he warned. “I’m not good for you. I’m selfish, arrogant, have extreme anger issues, I act as though I’m stuck in a two-year olds body...” he raised an eyebrow at me. “Should I continue?”
“No, I get it.” Looking down at my feet, I watched my toes slip through the damp blades of grass. Avoiding looking at him, I didn’t want to see the rejection I saw in Savannah. “We can’t be together.”
“I think you misunderstood, honey.” He placed his large hand against my cheek. I closed my eyes at the feeling of his warm skin touching mine. “I’m not what you need, but I’m too goddamn selfish to let you go again.” He paused waiting for my eyes to meet his. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to watch you walk away, knowing I broke your heart intentionally?”
“Probably the same as having it broken,” I replied sarcastically.
His eyes flashed with that same emotion I saw so often over the last three weeks and it finally made sense.
Jameson did feel the same but he didn’t want to feel that way. He was right, this lifestyle wasn’t ideal but it happened and though it was creating that restless loneliness for him, he still wanted something more.
Regardless, I had to know if he still felt the same way. The fickle dumb heroine in me spoke. “Do you still love me?”
Jesus that sounded so retarded.
“How can you even ask me that?” He looked deep into my eyes his voice cracking. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone this much in my entire life. It actually hurts. You have my heart and soul. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be with you.”
I wanted to hear him say it. He’d just bared his soul but I think he knew by my expression that I was waiting for it.
Fumbling with my own, his hands found mine in his lap.
When my forehead leaned against his again, his eyes closed and I watched as two slow tears slide down the side of his face only to have him shake them away. “I’m sorry for everything. I don’t want to do this without you.”
“Then don’t.” I whispered wiping the tears from his face.
Losing my control once again, I cried...pathetic brokenhearted pit lizard cried when I saw how emotional he was over this. All this time I had no idea he felt this strongly for me.
And though I felt broken, this time it was different because slowly I could feel those broken pit lizard pieces being glued back together with Jameson super glue. He loved me, actually loved me, and wanted to be with me.
“Sway, please,” he sighed as his fingers traced my lips; his head shook from side to side. “Please forgive me,”
I could feel the soft skin of his lips against my own. He was waiting for me to come to him. He had told me his intentions and was waiting for me to respond.
“Do you think we can make this work?” I choked on my tears. Twisting back, I took in his expression, one of a man looking for redemption.
“I know we can.” He said brushing the hair that had fallen in my eyes tucking it behind my ear. “I love you...that’s all that matters.”
“Are you going to crawl up my window now and rescue me like my knight and shining armor?”
He scrunched his nose in that adorable way he always did. “Well, I was never good at climbing and I’m slightly afraid of heights so...” he offered a lopsided grin. “Would you settle for me getting down on my knees and beg for forgiveness?”
“Eh, don’t worry. I won’t make you climb or beg.” I stood reaching for his hand. “When do you leave?”
He frowned standing tall before. “In the morning,” Brushing off his jeans, he took my hand. “I have to meet with Simplex in Grand Forks North Dakota tomorrow and then I need to be in Loudon on Wednesday.”
We began a slow walk towards the house, lingering in the shadows of the wraparound porch with a sense of dread maybe. “That sucks.”
Jameson nodded. “It does.” Pulling me against his side, he slung his arm over my shoulder. “But we’ll be okay. Together.”
I looked up at him—he was looking down at me with his beautiful smile. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make you see that this will work.”
“That could be fun...” I teased attempting to make light of the drawing day.
“You’re adorable.”
Laughing lightly, I stopped on the front steps leading up to the door. “Are you coming in?”
“I was hoping you’d ask.” His voice was shy. “I didn’t get a hotel room.”
“Well, it’s a little soon to be moving this fast...I mean, we just started dating. I’m not that kind of girl you know.” I tried to hide my smile but it was a futile effort.
Jameson laughed freely before stepping towards me. “Aw honey,” he gave me a slow wink wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “I wasn’t planning on stealin’ home or anything.”
“W
ell that’s a shame.” I teased back opening the front door.
Once we stepped inside, the chaos began. Charlie was sitting on the couch watching baseball, Andrea was making dinner, and Logan and Lucas were running around the living room playing tug-a-war with my bra.
At least they picked one that looked decent...little shits.
Their eyes shot up when they saw Jameson and ran at him full speed. “You’re Jameson Riley!” they both shouted and clung to his legs.
“Uh,” Jameson looked slightly panicked. “I guess I am.”
“Boys, at least let Jameson come inside.” Andrea yelled from the kitchen. “Hey Jameson,” she greeted Jameson dragging her shit head children away.
Jameson leaned over to whisper in my ear. “They’re adorable.”
“Please tell me you didn’t refer to the Lucifer twins, as adorable?”
He looked confused. “Lucifer twins?” Raising an eyebrow, his amusement showed and then he smirked.
“Yes, those kids are assholes.” My bra whizzed past me towards Lucas. “I’m positive their father is the devil.”
“They can’t be that bad. They’re just kids.” The smirk still hadn’t left his face.
Lucas ran past us the other direction with my bra on. “Really?” I pointed towards Lucas. “Do they take your tampons and use them as rafts for their GI Joes in the bath tub or wear your bra’s?”
“Well, no.” Jameson shifted his stance seeming thoroughly entertained by this.
“Exactly, they’re annoying as shit. I have no idea how I’m going to live here with them.”
I’d only been around them for less than twenty-four hours and getting my own apartment was looking like a top priority for my week.
Andrea made spaghetti for us, which was delicious.
Most of the dinner talk surrounded the track and how Charlie would prefer operation. When Logan started shoving his noodles up his nose, I decided to excuse myself to my room, with Jameson.
Grabbing some left over spaghetti and a bowl of milk for Mr. Jangles, my cat, we departed to my childhood room.
