Hello, I Must be Going

by Charlotte Chandler

  GROUCHO I’d rather stay home and read.

  I

  Which Marx Brothers director did you like best?

  GROUCHO

  Leo McCarey. He was a great director. And a funny man. We had a lot of fun with him. He loved to shoot craps with Chico. Half the time you couldn’t find either one of them. McCarey was the best director we ever had.

  I

  What do you think of audiences now?

  GROUCHO

  When they’re laughing, I enjoy that.

  I

  But do you think that audiences are the same now or different than they were forty years ago?

  GROUCHO

  Different? Not the ones we get. At Carnegie Hall, half the audience was dressed like me and the other half was dressed like Harpo and Chico.

  I

  What was the average age?

  GROUCHO

  Fifteen or sixteen.

  I

  Why do you think people of that age enjoy you so much?

  GROUCHO

  Because there’s nobody else around that can amuse them, except Woody Allen, and he’s the only one I know.

  I

  What do you think about young people today?

  GROUCHO

  Well, I have a grandson five years old. You mean him? Miles is growing up. He’s starting to ask questions I can answer.

  I

  I meant a little older than that. What do you think about the young people you meet who are your audience? Do you think they’re just like young people always were?

  GROUCHO

  Well, I don’t think they’re different. Maybe they’re brighter. Maybe the educational system is responsible for that. They’re more worried. Maybe they have more to worry about these days.

  I

  Do you approve of film censorship?

  GROUCHO

  Yes, I approve of this. I don’t think they should permit any old picture they make to be put on the screen. No. Because there are many children who go to the movies, too, and I think it’s disgraceful, some of the stuff that they have. I don’t like dirty pictures. I guess it’s hard to make a good picture—and a successful picture—that’s clean.

  I

  Did you go to the movies a lot when you were young?

  GROUCHO

  Yeah, all the time. I’ve seen all the Chaplin pictures at least ten times in my life. There wasn’t anybody as good as he was. His pictures don’t do good business today, though. They don’t want to see him anymore.

  I

  Why not?

  GROUCHO

  He doesn’t talk.

  I

  But Harpo doesn’t talk, and he’s very popular today.

  GROUCHO

  That’s true, but there were other people in the act that did talk.

  I

  Does Chaplin still seem as good for you personally today as he once did?

  GROUCHO

  Some of his pictures are still really good. But some of ’em are just incredibly bad. He made good pictures and bad pictures. The last picture he made was so bad. A Countess from Hong Kong. He insisted on writing a good deal of it, and he even put himself in as a waiter. But I think he was the best, in his day. He once said to me, “I wish I could talk on the screen, like you can.” That’s when he was really big. He couldn’t talk. Strange thing. He could talk pretty well in private homes. Then he had a lot of trouble and he went to Europe and stayed there.

  I

  Did you ever meet Howard Hughes when you were doing those two pictures for him?

  GROUCHO

  No. Hughes wasn’t ever on the set. He was only interested in girls. He thought of the title Double Dynamite, which was supposed to refer to Jane Russell’s knockers. It’s a good thing the guy was a millionaire. Otherwise how would he have made a living?

  I

  As a big baseball fan, you met all the famous players.

  GROUCHO

  Yes, I knew Babe Ruth. He used to listen to our quiz show. He was old then and through with baseball. But not as old as I am now.

  I

  What other great ballplayers did you know?

  GROUCHO

  Christy Mathewson. You wouldn’t know about him.

  I

  Pitcher, for the New York Giants.

  GROUCHO

  That’s right. You’re smarter than you look. Do you know about Tinker To Evers…?

  I

  To Chance.

  GROUCHO

  Steinfeldt at third. Harry Steinfeldt played third base for the Cubs when they had Tinker To Evers To Chance. I also knew Joe DiMaggio.

  I

  That was a good game that we watched.

  GROUCHO

  Yeah. But I don’t keep up with baseball the way I used to.

  I

  George Foreman seemed as happy to meet you as you were to meet him. He was impressed that you knew so much about boxing.

  GROUCHO

  Well, I worked for Benny Leonard, who was the lightweight champion of the world at one time. I told you he put up the money for one of our vaudeville acts.

  I

  On the Mezzanine.

  GROUCHO

  That’s right. I was crazy about him, he was such a great fighter. He was stuck on Hattie Darling, the girl in our act. There wasn’t a Jew in New York that wouldn’t have married Benny Leonard. Really! Either sex. He was such a great fighter. Did I tell you about Jim Corbett?

  I

  No.

  GROUCHO

  He was heavyweight champion of the world. I used to play poker with him in New York. And I always lost. I wasn’t a very good card player. I liked to go to the fights, even when I was married. My wives didn’t go. None of them. I went with a group of boys, men. Men are very much interested in prizefighting, women aren’t.

  I

  Do you understand why?

  GROUCHO

  Well, I guess it’s the skill of one man fighting another to see who’s the best of the two. People do it in the street. I had a fight with a fellow named Harry Applebaum. He was around twelve years older than I was. It was on the street, on Ninety-third Street.

  I

  What were you fighting about?

  GROUCHO

  Difference of opinion. I don’t remember exactly. It wasn’t about a girl.

  I

  Who won?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t know. I hit him in the stomach, and he gave me a black eye. I had another fight on Fourteenth Street in New York. It was Christmas, and I was working at a department store there for two weeks. If somebody sold something to somebody, they gave me the slapper, the charge, and I would run over to the cashier. And then I had a fight with another cash boy. In the middle of the street, on Fourteenth Street, in the snow. It was a great way to have spent Christmas.

  I

  Who won this time?

  GROUCHO

  We came out pretty even.

  I

  Did you get hurt?

  GROUCHO

  Not much. The cops stopped us. But that was a hundred years ago.

  I

  Now you don’t fight in the snow. You listen to music, Gilbert and Sullivan…

  GROUCHO

  And Mozart and Brahms and Tchaikovsky. I played so much Gilbert and Sullivan at one period in my life, that then I sort of stopped listening to it. It was just too much. I think there’s only thirteen or fourteen plays of Gilbert and Sullivan, but they’re great. You brought me the recording of their first operetta, Thespis. It was interesting to hear, but it wasn’t as good as the others. I saw most of their plays. And I was so crazy about them that I finally did The Mikado for NBC. I played Ko-Ko. It’s the way your life works out, you know. You have really no control over your life. Things happen. I don’t think anybody has any control over what happens and the way he is. I was crazy about Gilbert and Sullivan, and I read everything I could. There are things that are important for a while, and then one day they aren’t that important. You don’t
want the same things your whole life. My opinions change. I used to be against capital punishment.

  I

  What do you think about the trend toward actors and actresses becoming so politically active?

  GROUCHO

  I think they are entitled to their own opinions, same as anyone else. I have very strong political opinions myself.

  I

  You admired Truman…

  GROUCHO

  He was a great president. I knew him.

  I

  What was it that you particularly admired about him?

  GROUCHO

  He said, “The buck stops here.” I feel that way. (Groucho indicates himself) The buck stops here.

  I

  Who would you like to see be president of the United States?

  GROUCHO

  Me. You know, I once had an offer to run for governor of California. And I said, “What does the job pay?” And they said it paid $25,000 a year. And I said, “I’m making that every week on the quiz show.” That was the end of my political career.

  I

  Do you think you would have made a good governor?

  GROUCHO

  I think so, yeah. I think I’m basically an honest man.

  I

  Do you think honesty is the most important basic qualification?

  GROUCHO

  Yes.

  I

  What would your platform have been?

  GROUCHO

  Democratic. Always a Democrat.

  I

  But what would your platform have been?

  GROUCHO

  I have no idea. It was a long time ago. Now it would be different. Now I’d worry about inflation and natural resources, like oil. Besides, I turned the job down!

  I

  You told me Henry Kissinger is one of the people you would most like to meet.

  GROUCHO

  Great man. I think he’s an honest man. I’d like to see him president, but I guess he can’t because he was born in Germany. That’s where my mother was born, and she never made it to the presidency, either. I expect to see it someday in America, a woman president. No reason why it shouldn’t be.

  I

  You showed me your invitation to the White House, when you met Eleanor Roosevelt.

  GROUCHO

  Yes. They had a Marine band playing in the courtyard of the White House, and I said to her, “Now I know why you keep traveling all the time.” She was a great woman.

  I

  What did you talk about?

  GROUCHO

  About fifteen minutes. We talked about him, about FDR. It seems he’d gone on a hunting trip, to get away from Eleanor, I think. And when he came back, he had a long beard. She hardly knew him. He also had a girl, but she didn’t talk about that. She talked about a lot of causes she was interested in.

  I

  What do you think about the preservation of landmarks?

  GROUCHO

  I think I should be preserved.

  I

  What about other landmarks?

  GROUCHO

  Things aren’t good because they’re old, but they aren’t good just because they’re new.

  I

  Can you believe there is some talk about tearing down Grand Central Station?

  GROUCHO

  It would be a crime.

  I

  How do you feel about pornography?

  GROUCHO

  That remains to be obscene.

  I

  What do you think about homosexuality?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t think about it. It never appealed to me. I think they’ve got their rights.

  I

  What is the question you’ve been asked most often?

  GROUCHO

  People keep asking me if Harpo could talk. Of course he couldn’t.

  I

  Is there any other question you’re asked a great deal?

  GROUCHO

  Yes. They keep asking me, “How do you compare comedy today to comedy forty years ago?” This is the question I’m asked by college students.

  I

  Do you consider yourself an intellectual?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t know. I don’t think about it that way. I’ve read, and I’ve educated myself somewhat, but I don’t consider myself an intellectual. Intelligent, but not an intellectual. George Bernard Shaw, I would say, was an intellectual.

  I

  Did you ever meet Shaw?

  GROUCHO

  No, Harpo did. Woollcott took him over there and introduced him to Shaw. Harpo went around with a different crowd than I did.

  I

  But you knew T. S. Eliot. Eden told me about your visit to his home.

  GROUCHO

  I met him and his wife in London. I wanted to talk about his works, and he wasn’t interested. He wanted to talk about the Marx Brothers. He wrote me a letter once, and he said, “Since you’ve had dinner with me, all the tradesmen in the neighborhood bow their heads when I pass.” He was crazy about our pictures. I wanted to talk about a couple of his plays and his poems, but he wasn’t interested in that. He only talked about the Marx Brothers.

  I

  What do you do to relax?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t. I can’t relax.

  I

  Never?

  GROUCHO

  No. And I’m never sleepy. I don’t sleep well.

  I

  Are you ever lonely?

  GROUCHO

  No.

  I

  Do you ever mind being alone?

  GROUCHO

  I’m never alone. I read. I always had a hunger to read. I used to sit in my dressing room and read. I left the door open so the other actors would think I was educated. I always wanted more education, but now my books are in the Library of Congress. I used to read people like Anatole France and Horatio Alger. I was brought up on Horatio Alger.

  I

  What other writers did you like?

  GROUCHO

  I was crazy about Somerset Maugham and still am.

  I

  You’re a person who is able to go ahead and do something without worrying a lot in advance.

  GROUCHO

  Yes. Worrying doesn’t change anything.

  I

  Do you consider yourself unusual?

  GROUCHO

  I’m unusual, all right. An unusual kind of man.

  I

  In what ways do you think you’re unusual?

  GROUCHO

  I think the fact that I’m in my eighties is unusual. Most people die before they get to be my age. Do you know how I got to be this old?

  I

  How?

  GROUCHO

  Lucky. If a man is eighty-five, and he dies, nobody is gonna say, “Isn’t that awful, a man dying, eighty-five years old.” I’ve had a good life. Eighty-five years old is a long time. I hope I won’t live to be a hundred. There’s nothing you can do when you’re a hundred. Getting old is a goddamn nuisance.

  I

  But in your eighties you still do a lot.

  GROUCHO

  I can go out and take a walk. I can have a little drink—of tomato juice—and I’m lucky. A lot of people my age don’t have anything and they’re ready for the boneyard. Did I ever tell you what my Uncle Al [Shean] has on his tombstone?

  I

  No.

  GROUCHO

  “I could have lived longer, but now it’s too late. Absolutely, Mr. Gallagher, positively, Mr. Shean.”

  I

  Do you ever find that you get bored?

  GROUCHO

  Not if I’ve got something good to read. I like to read the newspapers. I like to know what’s going on in the world.

  I

  Do you believe what you read in the newspapers?

  GROUCHO

  Well, they can’t make up everything! You know, I saw my obituary at the Times. It made me feel funny. I didn’t think he shou
ld have shown it to me.

  I

  You consider yourself a disciplined person.

  GROUCHO

  Yes, I am. One day I said I would stop smoking, and I did. I said I would stop drinking, and I did. I said I would only eat two chocolates a day, and now I’ve eaten the two chocolates, and there’s nothing to do but wait for tomorrow. I used to eat everything. Now I can’t eat anything with salt in it. The only drink I used to like is bourbon. Now I can’t drink, I can’t smoke, I can’t do anything anymore. I can’t even go to Nate ’n’ Al’s, ’cause they have salt.

  I

  What kind of cigar did you smoke when you smoked your famous cigars?

  GROUCHO

  Famous wasn’t their name. They came from Havana. They cost four dollars. Real Havana, not the Canary Islands, or any of those. Bill Cosby gave me my last box. Cosby is one of the most talented people in show business. Especially after he gave me the cigars.

  I

  You smoked a pipe, too.

  GROUCHO

  Yeah. But a pipe only tasted good after a cigar.

  I

  Do you ever get depressed?

  GROUCHO

  Not often, no.

  I

  I remember when there was the murder of the Israeli athletes at the Olympics in Munich. That’s one of the few times I’ve ever known you to be terribly depressed.

  GROUCHO

  That was one of the most shocking things in my whole life.

  I

  When you get depressed, how do you get over it?

  GROUCHO

  Well, I don’t get depressed that often, so I couldn’t tell you.

  I

  What’s your opinion of psychoanalysis?

  GROUCHO

  It won’t get it up if you’re eighty-five years old.

  I

  What do you think of psychiatrists?

  GROUCHO

  They’re all right if they keep their nails clean.

  I

  Could you imagine yourself going to one?

  GROUCHO

  Yeah. I went to a psychologist a couple of times. Because I was troubled. I think they’re very important. When you’re in trouble, mentally, they can straighten you out.

  I

  Why do you sleep with your bedroom door locked?

  GROUCHO

  Well, if I think I’m all alone in the house, and there’s nobody in, I’ll do it.

  I

  I thought it might be because of all those years in vaudeville when you were staying in cheap hotels.

  GROUCHO

  Could be. I used to put the bureau up against the door. That was a phase during my vaudeville days. By this time we were living in good hotels. Big hotels, like the Statler in Cleveland or Detroit. I was always afraid of jumping out the window. So I used to put a big trunk up against the window. We had those big theatrical trunks. At that time I was living in hotels that were fifteen and eighteen floors high, and I was afraid that some night I might go to the window and open it and jump out. We didn’t have the best rooms in the hotel, but each would have his own room, and I used to get scared at night. That’s why I put the trunk up against the window.