“We used scenes from Groucho’s book for a lot of source material, including what Groucho had to say, as well. It described the period and what a lot of people never knew about the Marx Brothers: in many respects, as kids, they were exactly the same offstage as they were on.
“A lot of hard work went into it, and finally in 1970 we opened. It was moderately successful. But it wasn’t the show any of us really wanted to put on the stage. The emphasis was really on Minnie, and it shouldn’t have been. It should have been on the boys, even though Minnie was a fabulous figure. Minnie died playing pinochle, you know.
“The real success of the show is it never stops being done somewhere by all kinds of groups.
“Zeppo came to the opening of Minnie’s Boys in New York. I’ll never forget. I said to Zep, ‘At the curtain I’d love for you to get up on the stage and just make an appearance.’ And he said, ‘No, no. I leave all that to Groucho.’ And Groucho got up at the end of the show, and he said to the audience, who was then standing and applauding him, ‘I only wish Harpo and Chico could have been here tonight to witness this.’”
One night at dinner Arthur talked with us about one of Groucho’s unrealized ambitions:
“Grouch, do you remember how you wanted to play Snoopy? (To the rest of us) We had the Peanuts opening party at Arthur’s, the Arthur’s that opened in Los Angeles. It was so noisy, and Groucho said, ‘Do we have to stay here?’ and I said ‘No’ because I knew they didn’t have ice cream and saltines, which was what Groucho really liked. We wound up here at the house and Groucho said, ‘I’m serious. I’d like to play Snoopy.’ I said, ‘I wish I’d known sooner, Grouch. It would have been great. Sometime we’ll do a celebrity show, and you can do it.’”
MIKE NICHOLS, JACK NICHOLSON, AND MARVIN HAMLISCH
Shortly after the Oscar ceremonies at which Groucho received his special Oscar and from which Marvin Hamlisch took home three, Groucho, Erin, and I ate dinner with Marvin, Mike Nichols, Jack Nicholson, and Andy Marx.
GROUCHO
(To Mike, Erin, and me—Marvin and Jack had not arrived yet) I’ve gotta tell you about my son, whom I had lunch with today. You know it’s strange to see your child get middle-aged. He’s fifty years old, and he’s the youngest bootlegger in America. We were playing in Canada, and Arthur had on a dress…
MIKE NICHOLS
How did you justify this dress? I thought you said he was fifty?
GROUCHO
No! He was six months old, and we carried him. It was Prohibition then, and you couldn’t bring liquor into this country. So we got two quarts of whiskey, and we hid it in the folds of Arthur’s dress. And we brought it in.
MIKE NICHOLS
They wouldn’t have arrested him.
GROUCHO
The kid? No. They would’ve arrested me…You were talking about Greta Garbo before. I remember once I was in the Thalberg building, and this woman backed into me on the elevator. And I took her hat and lifted up the brim, and part of it almost fell in her face. She turned around, and it was Greta Garbo. I said, “I’m terribly sorry, but I thought you were a fellow I knew from Kansas City.”
MIKE NICHOLS
How did she respond?
GROUCHO
She walked out of the elevator. I met her ten years later, and she remembered. She was the biggest star of M-G-M.
MIKE NICHOLS
You didn’t know it was Garbo until afterward?
GROUCHO
Oh no. I didn’t know her until she turned around and looked at me, and I saw it was Garbo.
MIKE NICHOLS
Do you remember how you couldn’t get on the elevator with Winchell?
GROUCHO
Walter Winchell?
MIKE NICHOLS
Yeah. Anytime he got on the elevator, nobody else could get on.
GROUCHO
I don’t blame him.
MIKE NICHOLS
He’d earned that. He just preferred to be alone. The elevator guy at the Pierre or the Plaza or wherever he lived would hold people back when Winchell was in, and they wouldn’t stop for anybody else, because he preferred it that way.
GROUCHO
I was in the elevator at the Plaza, and a priest came in and said, “You’re Groucho Marx, aren’t you? My mother’s crazy about you.” And I said, “I didn’t know you guys had mothers. I thought it was done by immaculate conception.”
MIKE NICHOLS
Did he laugh?
GROUCHO
No. I quickly got out of the elevator.
MIKE NICHOLS
Did you hear about Woody Allen interviewing Billy Graham on television, and he asked him, “What’s your favorite commandment?” (Jack Nicholson enters)
ERIN
(To Jack) I was speaking to your answering service, and they were answering, “Nichols residence,” you’ll be glad to know.
JACK NICHOLSON
That’s not surprising.
GROUCHO
Well, you crook. Coming here at eight.
JACK NICHOLSON
I’m certainly sorry I’m late.
GROUCHO
An abject apology is the only thing. Where’s your girlfriend?
JACK NICHOLSON
She hasn’t come home yet.
GROUCHO
Has she got another fellow?
JACK NICHOLSON
That’s a very good possibility, judging from my behavior.
GROUCHO
Maybe she has another appointment.
JACK NICHOLSON
Don’t rub it in, Grouch. Don’t rub it in. (Marvin Hamlisch enters)
GROUCHO
(To Marvin) It’s wonderful what you got there. Three awards. I’m surprised you talk to me anymore.
MARVIN HAMLISCH
You know, Groucho, the best thing that came of those Oscars…(Turns to the other guests to explain) See, I’m really a native New Yorker. My heart’s in New York…
JACK NICHOLSON
Whoever would’ve guessed it?
MARVIN HAMLISCH
Right. Well, I was going back to New York, and a cop said to me, “Terrific!” He’d recognized me. And I thought, “Well, it’s Hollywood.” But I stepped into my town, New York City, and a cabdriver—you know how they are in New York—said, “Hey, that’s really terrific, kid.” Then it finally dawned on me what had happened. I was so nervous the day of the Academy Awards, I threw up twice. You keep getting nominated, and all these well-meaning people say to you, “I know you did a good job, so if you don’t get it, don’t let it bother you.”
GROUCHO
You threw up twice? Well, tonight you’ll have another chance.
MIKE NICHOLS
I think it’s terrific.
GROUCHO
That he threw up?
MIKE NICHOLS
That he was able to feel anything. I never feel anything when I’m in that situation.
GROUCHO
Did you know it’s twenty-five minutes of Groucho?
MARVIN HAMLISCH
(Examining Groucho’s Groucho watch) That looks to me like it’s two hours behind the times.
GROUCHO
I don’t wind it anymore. I get tired of things after a while—a watch, a wife…(They go into the dining room to eat) It’s every man for himself once you sit down.
MIKE NICHOLS
The year I lost, we were sitting there, and Haskell Wexler, the cameraman for the picture, won. And he got up and said, “Let us use our art for peace and love.” I went, “Yuck!” and the TV cameras catch me. Did you see that?
JACK NICHOLSON
It’s one of my all-time favorite moments.
MIKE NICHOLS
The next year, and I thought, at least Haskell isn’t up for anything. Hal Ashby was up for something, as a cutter. And he got up and said—and I swear to you this is true—“As my friend Haskell Wexler said, ‘Let us use our art for peace and love.’” And once again…
MARVIN HAMLISCH
I
f I ever win another one, I’ll know what to say: “As two of my best friends have said…”
MIKE NICHOLS
You had to compete against Jesus Christ Superstar…
GROUCHO
Please! I’m a Jew.
MARVIN HAMLISCH
You are?
GROUCHO
For the last eighty-three years. Do you think Fatty Arbuckle is washed up?
MIKE NICHOLS
I don’t think anyone is ever washed up, do you?
GROUCHO
They’re still talking about that. And that hotel in Frisco. He was a great fat man in his day. I saw the most wonderful picture last week. The fat man who won the Oscar brought it from France. Did you see those pictures? They’re eighty years old. Fascinating.
I
Groucho and I went to Filmex to see the turn-of-the-century French films that Henri Langlois brought over from the Cinémathèque Française in Paris.
MIKE NICHOLS
Listen to this: when I made The Graduate, my cameraman was about sixty-five at the time. When I was in high school, he went on a tour of M-G-M, and they took him to see Garbo’s first silent picture, and he met the focus puller. And that focus puller was our focus puller on The Graduate. He didn’t seem very old. He was a Sicilian, and his working life covers all movies, from the beginning to now.
GROUCHO Focus puller sounds like chicken plucker.
MARVIN HAMLISCH
(To Jack Nicholson) Do you ever get back to New Jersey?
JACK NICHOLSON
I spent the first half of my life there, and I try to get back for a few days every year.
GROUCHO
I did a play there with Norman Krasna. It was called Time for Elizabeth. It was all about Elizabeth, New Jersey. What do you hear from Trenton?
JACK NICHOLSON
Alvin Kinney’s still at the bar. “Trenton makes, the world takes.” That’s the motto of Trenton.
ERIN
What would you like for dessert—apple or strawberry pie?
GROUCHO
Apple pie for me. Because I’m an American. Strawberry is for fags.
MARVIN HAMLISCH
I’m going for both of them.
GROUCHO
Does that make you an American fag?
MARVIN HAMLISCH
(To Mike Nichols) Weren’t you in Chicago?
MIKE NICHOLS
Yes. Northwestern.
GROUCHO
I spoke there about three years ago. They gave me $7,000, and I gave it back to the school because they had a deficit.
JACK NICHOLSON
I went there too.
MARVIN HAMLISCH
A terrific school.
After dinner they all returned to the living room, where each guest had a chance to perform. Groucho sang Harry Ruby’s “Show Me a Rose.”
GROUCHO
(After singing) What’ll people think of me, standing here singing for nothing?
ERIN
You want to do “Lydia”?
GROUCHO
I don’t want to do it, but I’ll do it if I’m forced to. (He sings “Lydia”)
ERIN
Is there any chance Marvin could play my favorite song, Groucho?
GROUCHO
Perhaps later when I go to bed.
MARVIN HAMLISCH
How’s your cat?
GROUCHO
The cat is sick today. He has crabs.
JACK NICHOLSON
What’s your cat’s name?
GROUCHO
(Proudly) Blackie.
JACK NICHOLSON
That must be a white cat.
GROUCHO
No, a black cat.
ERIN
Whose turn is it now? Jack?
JACK NICHOLSON
I’m ready to do my act.
ERIN
Jack is ready, Groucho.
JACK NICHOLSON
I’m in a perfect position to do my mind-reading act.
GROUCHO
May I watch it?
JACK NICHOLSON
You can even hold my hand.
GROUCHO
What’s that supposed to mean?
JACK NICHOLSON
(To Mike Nichols) Tell me a number from one to ten.
MIKE NICHOLS
Say it out loud?
JACK NICHOLSON
Yeah.
MIKE NICHOLS
Seven.
JACK NICHOLSON
Right.
GROUCHO
That’s pretty good.
MIKE NICHOLS
I can do a magic trick.
GROUCHO
It’s a pretty hot party. Jack, sing a song.
JACK NICHOLSON
I don’t think I know an actual song. Except maybe “Happy Birthday.”
MARVIN HAMLISCH
(From the piano) I know that.
JACK NICHOLSON
Is this what goes on here every night?
ERIN
Every night!
MARVIN HAMLISCH
Well, what do you do when you have company?
GROUCHO
Then I sing. I may sing right now. Come on, tear it off, Mozart.
MARVIN HAMLISCH
I wonder if Mrs. Mozart said that to her little son?
BETTY COMDEN AND ADOLPH GREEN
Betty Comden and Adolph Green met in their teens and began their collaboration as performers and as writers of sketches, lyrics, plays, and films. In their early days together, they appeared, along with Judy Holliday, at the Vanguard in Greenwich Village. Their Broadway credits include On the Town, Bells Are Ringing, Wonderful Town, and Applause. Among their film credits are Singin’ in the Rain, The Band Wagon, On the Town, and It’s Always Fair Weather. Recently they appeared in A Party with Betty Comden and Adolph Green, a musical comedy retrospective of their work.
Whenever Groucho visited New York, one of the highlights for him was seeing Betty and Adolph. He was an appreciative audience for their talents, and if there was a piano anywhere around, Groucho expected and got a command performance ranging from “The Party’s Over” to “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” done to the tune of “La Marseillaise.” They talked with me at Betty Comden’s house about what Groucho’s friendship meant to them:
ADOLPH GREEN
We met Groucho in the very early fifties. Or it could have been the late forties.
BETTY COMDEN
We were out there writing some movie, I don’t know which one. But from then on we were delighted to be counted as friends of his. We were kind of stunned and staggered. I mean, there are some people you meet in a lifetime where the whole experience seems so unreal—someone you have literally worshiped and adored from childhood, who’s so much a part of your growing up.
ADOLPH GREEN
Over the years we’ve gotten to meet almost all of the people we worshiped as kids, and I guess two of the most important ones were Chaplin and Groucho. We got to meet both of them out there. And we’ve stayed friends over the years. Groucho became a constant friend, and he would turn up at parties where he knew we would be appearing, or we would be his guests. He would call up ahead of time and ask, “Are they there?” Then he’d drop over, watch us perform, and leave! Sometimes we were pretty embarrassed, but we loved it. We started going to his house when he was married to Kay.
BETTY COMDEN
We used to have dinner with him, and he used to come down to whatever strange rented houses we had and have dinner with us. When we came to New York, he used to call us, and we used to exchange letters from time to time. He did one marvelous thing for us the year after Judy Holliday died. Adolph and I put together a benefit evening for a hospital in Denver which had a wing dedicated to her. And Groucho came all the way there with Melinda and appeared in the show. We did Dr. Hackenbush, and he did a couple of other things, and he was enchanting, marvelous. He used to invite us to dinner when he had someone special he wanted us to meet. He was crazy about Martyn G
reen, one of the leading players of the D’Oyly Carte. He invited us to dinner when Martyn Green was out there. Groucho was so thrilled and impressed with him—he admired him so.
ADOLPH GREEN
I’m afraid he was more impressed with the idea of him than the actuality.
BETTY COMDEN
The dinner was rough going, wasn’t it? Martyn Green was personally a lovely man, but his humor was mostly stories about the vicar. Not what Groucho was expecting.
ADOLPH GREEN
I think that was a very important evening for Groucho. He had both Harpo and Chico over.
BETTY COMDEN
I remember Groucho telling me once that he always kept a Gilbert and Sullivan book in the front seat of his car. When he stopped for a light he’d open it somewhere and read a few lines.
ADOLPH GREEN
He likes the old vaudeville songs now.
BETTY COMDEN
A lot of people wonder whether comedians themselves are really fun to be with, or are funny. We’ve always found Groucho enormously quick. I mean, just as fast as he will deliver a line in one of the old Marx Brothers pictures, he’ll do the same in a public event. One we loved was at a party at “21.” There was a man there who very much wanted to meet Groucho. It was Frederic Morton, who wrote a book called The Rothschilds. So I said I would introduce him. I took Freddie Morton up to Groucho to introduce him, and I said, “Groucho, this is Frederic Morton. He wrote The Rothschilds.” And he said, “Did they answer him?”
ADOLPH GREEN
I was impressed by that one, because there was no instant of thoughts grinding. Just the answer was out, RUP!
BETTY COMDEN
Like breathing.
ADOLPH GREEN
Spontaneously and like a hatchet at the same time.
BETTY COMDEN
We used to see him all the time in New York. Lüchow’s was one of his favorite things. I remember having dinner once with him in Lüchow’s when he excused himself from the table. It was sort of their May wine celebration. The restaurant was festooned with flowers, and the German band would get up and parade around, in and out of the tables as part of the celebration. Groucho didn’t come back to the table, and we looked for him. Suddenly, there he was—following the band, walking through the restaurant doing his bent-knee walk with his cigar, the last one in the band.
Hello, I Must be Going Page 46
