Hello, I Must be Going
Page 54
GROUCHO
Of the stateroom scene from A Night at the Opera. And the projector broke down. Or maybe it was the projectionist.
WOODY ALLEN
I always get the idea in this kind of concert that if you see clips of the person first it’s better. I saw this with Gloria Swanson. First they showed film clips of her, then by the time she came out…
GROUCHO
Who’s this?
WOODY ALLEN
Gloria Swanson. And they showed these clips…
GROUCHO
She was a good actress. Is she still alive?
WOODY ALLEN
Yeah. She looks good. And they showed these clips…
GROUCHO
She must be sixty, anyway.
WOODY ALLEN
Easily. Easily. Anyway, they showed a film clip of her in a very funny movie, a silent movie. She was on a subway train acting wonderfully funny, really good. But Chaplin said that she would never be a comedian, that she wasn’t funny, and didn’t like the idea of using her. But she was very funny.
GROUCHO
When will you be coming to California?
WOODY ALLEN
Soon. I’m looking to rent a house while I film Sleeper.
GROUCHO
A small house?
WOODY ALLEN
Yeah. It’s gotta be right near Martindale’s bookstore.
I
Do you…
WOODY ALLEN
You know, right near where those stores are. I’d never move out there. (To me) I’m sorry—did I interrupt you?
GROUCHO
She doesn’t do anything. She just brings cake. I’ve never seen her without cake. Have I?
I
Well, on occasion. A few times.
GROUCHO
When?
I
Today.
WOODY ALLEN
That’s a time!
GROUCHO
Today? But I still have your cake from last night.
I
That’s true.
WOODY ALLEN
That’s good. You can’t get the same cake in California that you can in New York, you know.
GROUCHO
No.
WOODY ALLEN
In fact, I don’t know how you live in California. For a man of your piercing intellect to be able to live on the West Coast is incredible to me.
GROUCHO
Well, we have a good bakery out there. What’s the name of it?
I
Pupi’s.
GROUCHO
Could you want a greater name for a bakery?
WOODY ALLEN
Listen—I don’t know how to break this to you, but I have to go.
GROUCHO
What about the cake?
WOODY ALLEN
I’m not going to have any cake because I have to be someplace.
GROUCHO
Hadn’t you ever heard the story before about how I met Chaplin?
WOODY ALLEN
No, I’ve never heard that story before.
GROUCHO
Then why won’t you eat the cake?
WOODY ALLEN
Oh well—it’s not that good a story. I have to go, and I’ll see you in California next week, because I’m going there tomorrow.
GROUCHO
Well, we’ll save the cake for you. You’re going tomorrow, huh?
WOODY ALLEN
Yeah.
GROUCHO
I’ve got a dame on that plane that I’d like you to meet. She’s a wonderful girl. Wonderful pair of knockers this girl has. You’ve never picked up a girl on a plane, huh?
WOODY ALLEN
Not me. I just read.
GROUCHO
You know, I tell these old stories so often I’m forgetting them. I think I’ll take a nap. If I sleep, I won’t smoke, and if I don’t smoke, I won’t cough. And if I don’t cough, I might get to sleep. “It isn’t the cough that carries you off, it’s the coffin they carry you off in.”
BILL COSBY
Groucho shared with me his appraisal of friend Bill Cosby’s talent:
“Have you ever seen Cosby in a nightclub? He’s fantastic. He doesn’t tell any jokes. He does impressions of people. Like how a mother will talk to her child, and how a father will talk to the same child. Things like that. And he’ll show you people who take dope. He’s brilliant, this man.”
After dinner at Groucho’s one evening, Groucho, Bill Cosby, Erin, and I went to see Jean Anouilh’s Waltz of the Toreadors, with Anne Jackson and Eli Wallach. After the play, we went backstage to congratulate them in their dressing rooms.
Wearing the Wagnerian horned helmet from the play, Groucho told me when Bill Cosby left:
“I was watching Cosby one day with George Burns. George turned to me and said, ‘I wish he was a Jew.’”
What follows is the conversation that took place during dinner at Groucho’s house before we went to the play.
BILL COSBY
You say there was once a song called “Under the Matzo Tree”? Now, did you make that up?
GROUCHO
No. “Under the Matzo Tree” was a tribute to Israel.
BILL COSBY
Am I going to have to put up with this all night?
GROUCHO
That was a song somebody really wrote.
BILL COSBY
And it was a tribute to Israel?
GROUCHO
It was a tribute to trees.
BILL COSBY
But you just said it was a tribute to Israel. You’re pulling my leg.
GROUCHO
No I’m not. My hands are right here.
BILL COSBY
Well, then, who’s touching my leg?
GROUCHO
It must have been one of the girls.
BILL COSBY
Isn’t that awful? But last night at the Academy Awards you were really handsome. You had that tuxedo on…
ERIN
Tailcoat.
GROUCHO
Frock coat. Sounds dirty, doesn’t it? I used to wear a frock coat for the girls.
BILL COSBY
Did they enjoy it?
GROUCHO
I don’t think so. I wasn’t very good in the sack.
BILL COSBY
But how about in the coat?
GROUCHO
I was much better in the coat than in the sack.
ERIN
How about in Dallas, Groucho?
GROUCHO
I once had a girl in the Adolphus Hotel in Dallas, and I laid her eight times that night. I was eighteen years old.
BILL COSBY
Good. Good. I was beginning to get worried. I thought it was last week.
GROUCHO
No, that’s all over now.
BILL COSBY
Is it?
GROUCHO
(Singing) “I used to love you, but it’s all over now. It’s all over town.”
BILL COSBY
So what do you do now? I mean, you just…
GROUCHO
I just whip the bishop.
BILL COSBY
But getting back to my point…
GROUCHO
What is your point? Seven?
BILL COSBY
No, it was six, and we sevened out.
GROUCHO
Your baby’s all right now, isn’t she?
BILL COSBY
Yeah. We put her in the hospital, but it turned out she just had a little cold.
GROUCHO
But your wife was crying.
BILL COSBY
You know how mothers are about the children.
GROUCHO
I remember my mother had five boys. She really had six, but one died when he was three years old. She told me, “Sam can cough all night, and I’ll never hear it. But if one of the children coughs once, I’m wide awake.”
BILL COSBY
Poor Sam.
GROUCHO
(S
inging) “Sam, you made the pants too short.”
BILL COSBY
What did you think of the tribute they did to you on the Academy Awards show, with the four fellows singing and…
ERIN
We just went by the monitor on the way to the stage when they were doing it.
BILL COSBY
So you didn’t see the film clips?
GROUCHO
I had the clip once.
BILL COSBY
You did?
GROUCHO
I was fifteen years old, and I had the clip up in Canada. That’s the best place to get it.
BILL COSBY
To get the clip…
GROUCHO
We used to use Argyrol.
ERIN
Oh, my God, Groucho! We’re gonna eat now…
BILL COSBY
What’s the Argyrol for?
ERIN
It’s for the clap.
BILL COSBY
Oh, for the clap!
GROUCHO
That’s what they used to shoot in your penis to cure it.
BILL COSBY
You’re kidding!
GROUCHO
Sure. You take a syringe and shoot it in there.
BILL COSBY
And it cleans it right up?
GROUCHO
Not right up. It takes about four weeks.
BILL COSBY
Four weeks? Oh my goodness!
GROUCHO
They didn’t have penicillin when I was a kid. They didn’t have automobiles. And they didn’t have airplanes.
BILL COSBY
But they had the clap.
GROUCHO
That you could always get.
BILL COSBY
I was always interested about those days and times, even before you were born…about having VD and walking around with it.
ERIN
Winston Churchill’s father died from it.
GROUCHO
Well, I didn’t die.
BILL COSBY
I guess so.
GROUCHO
You’re not sure of it?
BILL COSBY
Where’s the Oscar?
GROUCHO
It’s in the dining room.
BILL COSBY
Well, leave it there. We’ll see it when we go in to eat. Does it have a wick on the end? Can we light it?
GROUCHO
No.
BILL COSBY
Well, what’s the fun of it, then?
GROUCHO
A guy offered me a thousand dollars for it last night.
BILL COSBY
A guy? Did you hit him in the face with it?
GROUCHO
No. It was too heavy to lift.
BILL COSBY
Oh yeah? Well, maybe they were trying to give you a hernia while they were giving you a present. But you looked good last night. You had the Legion of Honor medal hanging and everything.
GROUCHO
I don’t have anything hanging anymore.
ERIN
Did you tell Bill about your lawsuit against the book?
GROUCHO
It’s full of dirty words…
BILL COSBY
Ah-ha!
GROUCHO
…and vulgarities. We’re suing for ten million dollars.
ERIN
It was fifteen, but we’ll settle…
GROUCHO
We’ll settle for four.
BILL COSBY
I’d settle for a free lunch at Nate ’n’ Al’s.
GROUCHO
I can’t eat there anymore.
BILL COSBY
Why?
GROUCHO
Because I can’t eat salt.
BILL COSBY
Well, haven’t they got stuff there without salt in it?
GROUCHO
Yeah, a few things.
BILL COSBY
Cottage cheese?
GROUCHO
That’s a fine meal!
BILL COSBY
Well, I was just thinking of things you could eat. Let’s see…there’s cottage cheese and…and parsley…
GROUCHO
I could make a whole meal of parsley.
BILL COSBY
Yeah. Fried parsley. And you could have Jell-O and skim milk.
GROUCHO
What else?
BILL COSBY
And, uh…a matzo.
GROUCHO
I used to sit under the matzo tree.
BILL COSBY
Yes, I know. Now, that alone should fill you up.
GROUCHO
I would think so. Just the parsley.
BILL COSBY
By the way, how’s that dinner coming? Are we having cottage cheese?
GROUCHO
You ever been to Atlantic City?
BILL COSBY
I used to push people in the chairs.
GROUCHO
No kidding? You may have pushed me sometime.
BILL COSBY
I might have pushed you and not known it.
GROUCHO
Yeah.
BILL COSBY
If I’d’a known it, I’d have pushed you in the water. If I’d’a known it was you.
GROUCHO
That’s where I did the first play, Cocoanuts. Irving Berlin used to go home every night and start writing songs. (They start eating) “Groucho Marx, strong and able, get your elbows off the table.” That’s what they used to say at camp up in the Catskills when I was young.
BILL COSBY
I would think that at the time that you were a kid, it wasn’t even necessary to have a camp. Nothing had been explored…
GROUCHO
My son Arthur went to that camp too.
BILL COSBY
Oh. I went to Camp Green Lane in Pennsylvania.
GROUCHO
I played all over in Pennsylvania. Who’s hiding the gravy?
BILL COSBY
Where’s the salt substitute? And don’t ever try to keep it from me again.
GROUCHO
Are you on a low-salt diet too?
BILL COSBY
I am…after looking at you!
GROUCHO
Well, I have to be.
BILL COSBY
But I figure I better start now. Then when it comes time for me to be on one, I won’t miss it. What do you think of that?
GROUCHO
I don’t think much of that.
BILL COSBY
Then pass the salt. I guess I better have some.
GROUCHO
When I was in the Navy, I was an old salt.
BILL COSBY
Well, then, you can swim!
GROUCHO
I can swim, yeah.
BILL COSBY
Well, then, what happened when you almost drowned in the pool the other day?
GROUCHO
Well, I haven’t swum in a long time.
BILL COSBY
But you never forget how to swim.
GROUCHO
No. You go like this.
BILL COSBY
Right. Well, why didn’t you come to the top?
GROUCHO
I did. I went to one end of the pool and started back, then I got tired. Erin grabbed me and pulled me out of the pool. Otherwise I’d be dead at the bottom of the pool.
BILL COSBY
And I wouldn’t be here at dinner.
GROUCHO
That’s right.
BILL COSBY
But I could have all of your salt substitute.
GROUCHO
I’m not sure of that.
BILL COSBY
And I could have gotten all of your old cigar collection and a couple of berets.
GROUCHO
I had lunch with an English author named Richard Adams today. He’s written a whole book about bunnies. I don’t mean bunnies with big knockers, I mean real bunnies.
BILL COSBY
How
many pages is it? Five?
GROUCHO
No, it’s a big book. She (Indicating me) bought a copy of the book.
ERIN
Charlotte could have gotten a copy free if she’d only known.
BILL COSBY
Yeah, but she writes, you see. So out of respect, she buys. Therefore, the other authors must buy hers. I do the same thing when I go someplace and I want to pay for the ticket, you know.
GROUCHO
He was so excited about meeting me, this English author. He wrote me a letter and said there’s only one man in the United States that he wants to meet.
BILL COSBY
Other than Bugs Bunny.
ERIN
How about Bugs Siegel?
GROUCHO
Hey, I met another Siegel this morning.
BILL COSBY
Where? By the seashore?
GROUCHO
You remember Sol Siegel? He used to be the head of M-G-M. Well, the other day I met one of his sons, and today I met another one. He’s got three sons. I better stop walking on the street. He has no daughters.
BILL COSBY
Sometimes if you put food out on the windowsill, they come right up and eat it.
GROUCHO
That’s a different kind of seagull. These are young Jewish boys. And they don’t go on your windowsill.
BILL COSBY
Say, this is something! (He examines Groucho’s Oscar) Brilliant! It’s got the word brilliant on it.
GROUCHO
That’s a lie.
BILL COSBY
(Lifting the Oscar) Oh, God, this is heavy! Why do they make them so heavy?
GROUCHO
It must be worth at least ten dollars on the actual market.
ERIN
That’s not true, Groucho.
GROUCHO
Why do you say that, girlie?
ERIN
Because, big Julie, if we put that on the market, somebody would pay thousands for it. It’s actually priceless.
GROUCHO
This isn’t for sale.
ERIN
Of course it isn’t. My point is that it’s worth thousands.
GROUCHO
My point is on the top of my head.
BILL COSBY
(Reading from the Oscar) “Manufactured under world rights guaranteed by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences…”
GROUCHO
You ought to get an award.
ERIN
We heard your picture’s terrific.
BILL COSBY
Who told you that?
ERIN
Our press agents.
BILL COSBY
Oh, those people tell you everything’s terrific. I’ve never heard them say a bad thing about anybody yet.
ERIN
Really?
BILL COSBY
They can go to your funeral and find nice things to say.
GROUCHO