Hello, I Must be Going

by Charlotte Chandler

  So once in Las Vegas I take a taxi from the Sahara Hotel. It’s raining a little bit, and I want to go to the Riviera. The fare was, like, $1.10. So I gave him $3.00 and told him to keep the change. And these are his exact words. He looked at me and said, “Mr. Benny, I wish you hadn’t done that.” I said, “Why?” He said, “I wanted to be able to go home and tell my wife what a cheap son of a bitch you are,” and that’s just the way he worded it. I said, “You can still tell her. Give me back my tip! And then you can tell her. But do me a favor: I don’t want the tip back. Tell her I am cheap. It’s funnier if they think I’m cheap.”

  Some people actually got angry at me for giving big tips and being out of character. Do you know that if you played in pictures or anything, the people who actually know you, almost around the world, are taxi drivers. I can go someplace where nobody would recognize me, but for some reason or other all taxi drivers know who you are.

  ERIN

  Isn’t that interesting! Marvin Hamlisch was over at Groucho’s house the other night, and we said to him, “Was it a big thrill when you got the three awards?” And he said, “You know what was the biggest thrill? I got into New York City to record something, and I just got out of the baggage claim thing, and I was standing in line for a cab, and all of the cabbies said, ‘Hamlisch! Hey!’”

  JACK BENNY

  I never heard of him before, you know.

  ERIN

  He played for Groucho.

  GROUCHO

  He played Carnegie when I played Carnegie.

  JACK BENNY

  I’m sitting here talking to you because I don’t want to play golf.

  GROUCHO

  That’s the most flattering remark I’ve ever heard.

  JACK BENNY

  I flattered you enough this morning.

  ERIN

  I heard about that. You called Groucho this morning and said you saw his quiz show last night…

  JACK BENNY

  And Groucho looked…he didn’t look fifty years old last night.

  ERIN

  Isn’t it amazing? He was sixty-five or something.

  JACK BENNY

  But he didn’t look it.

  GROUCHO

  But I never had Boston cream pie.

  JACK BENNY

  No, but I tell you, that was a wonderful show. All those shows were great. But you see, you have it easy, Groucho, because you only have the announcer, and that’s all you have to worry about. Now, if I want to do my show in reruns, which MCA can distribute, then they gotta go through everybody who’s been on my show, all the actors. But they should be tickled to death to go on, just to be seen. That’s the only reason I wanted my show to go on. But then my show’s different. If it’s Christmas, it’s a Christmas show. But Groucho could have done his show any week.

  ERIN

  The argument that I got when I tried to sell it was that it was a quiz show, and who wants to see a quiz show? But now that it’s on, they can see that it’s funny.

  JACK BENNY

  Last night’s show was just great, and it’s on a half hour before Johnny Carson, which makes it great for the people…

  GROUCHO

  I gotta tell you about my golf game.

  JACK BENNY

  Jeez, there’s a switch if I’ve ever heard one. Go on.

  GROUCHO

  I was playing golf with Frank Crumit. You remember Frank Crumit? Used to play the guitar and sing.

  JACK BENNY Yeah.

  GROUCHO

  We were playing golf in San Francisco, and he was a very good golfer. And I had never played, maybe three or four times. We were playing at the Municipal Golf Course. We came to the seventh hole then, and it’s 155 yards. I hit the ball to the green, and it rolled to the carpet. I had a hole in one! The reporters heard about this, and the next day the Chronicle and the Examiner say, “Marx Joins the Immortals.” There was a picture of Bobby Jones and Walter Hagen, and I was in the center. So we go out and play golf again, and there’s a lot of reporters out there. I hit the green, and it rolled into the sand trap. I hit it out of the sand trap, and it rolled into another sand trap. To make it short, I shot 140 that day. And the newspapers came out the next morning and say, “Marx Leaves the Immortals.” There was a picture of Bobby Jones and Walter Hagen, and my picture wasn’t in there. But I’ve always been a lousy golfer.

  JACK BENNY

  I’ll never forget, years and years ago I played with Harpo and George Burns. And when George Burns and I were playing fairly good, I used to shoot this course in the eighties. Now, that’s good…

  GROUCHO

  Who could shoot in the eighties? You?

  JACK BENNY

  Yes. Now, I was a miserable man to play with, because then I wanted to shoot in the seventies, you see. And George Burns played not even as good as I did, but he played. One day he got so mad, he came in and he said, “Jack, you’ve seen me play my last game of golf.” Now, you know, Groucho, millions of people say that, and it never happens. But he has never touched a golf club since then, and that’s about twenty-six years ago. He just sits and plays bridge.

  GROUCHO

  I don’t play anymore either.

  ERIN

  Was Harpo a good golfer?

  GROUCHO

  Fairly good.

  JACK BENNY

  Yeah, but Harpo and George used to play all the time. And George tells the funniest stories about playing with Harpo. He was afraid to breathe when Harpo was playing, ’cause Harpo blamed him for everything. I’ll tell you one golf story, and then I’ll leave you.

  You know Norman Krasna so well, and I have to preface this, and I hate to preface it this way, but it’s the only way it’s funny. Norman Krasna’s one of the greatest fans I have in the whole world. He thinks that everything I do in show business is perfect, whether it’s a movie, whether it’s radio, whether it’s television, whether it’s the stage—he thinks I can’t make a mistake. Now, that’s the kind of fan Norman Krasna is of mine. All right.

  Now, we’re playing golf one day, and I’m getting mad all through the game—mad as a son of a bitch. Now, Norman is getting mad at me, and he throws his clubs on the ground. He says, “For Christ’s sake, Jack; everything you do in show business is perfect. You want to be that great in golf too?” Then I got mad. I says, “Listen, Norman: I would just as soon have a couple of television shows that aren’t so good, and play a little better golf.” He says, “All right, how good golf do you want to play?” I says, “Norman, that all depends. How lousy do you want my television shows to be?” And he started to laugh, and the whole thing was over. He had been mad as hell.

  GROUCHO

  I never shot an eighty. I used to shoot in the late nineties.

  JACK BENNY

  I wish that I could shoot now in the late nineties. I would be the happiest guy in the world. I shoot about 110. You know why I play golf? I either play golf or walk ’cause I want to exercise. Or a fella comes over and gives me a little exercise. Now, I had a little exercise today. If I didn’t go out to play golf, I’d want to walk from here to my office. But I got my car here.

  GROUCHO

  I like to walk on the street ’cause you can pick up dames that way.

  JACK BENNY

  When I walk on the street, I don’t just ramble along. I actually walk, and I get good exercise that way.

  GROUCHO

  I do it every day.

  JACK BENNY

  You get better exercise doing that, actually, than golf. I do what Dudley White, the doctor, used to say: walk everyplace you can walk, even if you have to climb stairs.

  GROUCHO

  I’ll give you one of my Groucho watches when I get them.

  JACK BENNY

  I gave you one of my money clips, didn’t I?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t know. You didn’t give me any money with it.

  JACK BENNY

  I know, but I gave you the clip.

  GROUCHO

&nb
sp; I’d rather have the money.

  JACK BENNY

  I know.

  GROUCHO

  It’s easier to carry money in your pocket. You don’t need a clip.

  JACK BENNY

  You know, once I sent my money clip to President John Kennedy. I had to be emcee for his birthday at Madison Square Garden, and I put his caricature on one side and my caricature on the other side. Now, I forget to bring it and give it to him, so the next day Pat Lawford was in having some drinks in the hotel with me, and I said to her, “Pat, I forgot to give the president (who is her brother) this. Now I don’t know what to do. Imagine going there and forgetting to give him this present.” She said, “I’m going to see him pretty soon, ’cause he’s going to be at the hospital visiting his father.”

  So she takes it, and I put a lousy dollar bill in the money clip, and I sent it to the president. I wrote, “Dear Mr. President…” We were very close friends, you know. If we were alone, I’d call him Jack. All right, “Dear Mr. President,” I said, “here’s a birthday gift for you. If you don’t need it send it back. Not the clip—the dollar.” So he sends me a long letter in longhand, and he said, “Dear Jack, I received your money card.” I guess that’s what they call them in Boston. “Now let me tell you what Pat Lawford did. I’ll bet you must have put in $500 or $1,000 in that clip. And by God”—this is just the way he worded it—“when she gave it to me, there was only one lousy dollar in it.” But he said, “I’m keeping the dollar because I’ll use it on the next campaign, but I won’t tell anyone where I got it.” Isn’t that wonderful?

  GROUCHO

  Do you sing at all when you go to parties?

  JACK BENNY

  No, and I don’t play my violin. I let George [Burns] sing. But do you want to hear something? I was just so delighted with my last three concerts. I had been practicing up, and by God, I played pretty well. Acoustically the halls were just wonderful, you know. And by God, in seventeen years it’s the first time that a critic said, “Jack Benny spoiled a myth. He does play pretty good violin.” Oh, I couldn’t get over that!

  Morrie Ryskind, who was having dinner with Groucho and me one night, commented on the charisma that men like Jack Benny and Groucho have for audiences:

  “I watched Jack Benny come on yesterday. He did The Dinah Shore Show and I saw it. I feel about Jack the same way I feel about Groucho. When he comes out, the audience is so grateful for his coming out. It’s the same kind of affection they have for Bob Hope and Groucho—for all the things they’ve done. If you start with that in your favor, you can’t go wrong.”

  A favorite film of Groucho’s, and one that he had grandson Andy project at home over and over again for him and friends, is The Jack Benny Show on which he appeared. It was based on Groucho’s own TV quiz program, You Bet Your Life. Curiously, Groucho had been somewhat reluctant to do this show after having been initially enthusiastic. He liked the idea but later objected to the script. Jack told me that it was one of his favorite shows, and that I should try to see it. He explained to me what happened:

  “Groucho used to really like my show. He was always telling me how much he liked my writers. So I invited Groucho to do a show with me, and I practically lost the writers—these same writers Groucho had always raved about.

  “Groucho was always a nervous perfectionist. I think he decided he didn’t like the script before he read it. My feelings were sort of hurt by the whole thing, but when I saw Groucho at Hillcrest, he seemed surprised that I felt that way. I told him I believed it was going to be a good show. Well, he finally did it, and we were both really glad.”

  It was Groucho’s tremendous respect and reverence for the written word that caused him anxiety when he read the Jack Benny Show script. Once something was printed, Groucho didn’t see it as ephemeral at all. He saw the written word as permanent. Because of this, it became extremely important to him that every word was just right; thus he exacted a high standard from himself and from those who worked with him.

  Groucho told me, “I’ve got something for you. There’s something I want you to see.” As soon as Groucho, Andy, and I had finished lunch, Andy was sent to the projector. “Wait till you see Benny,” Groucho said in the tone of restrained elation that characterized his most enthusiastic moments.

  The film of The Jack Benny Show began with four people dressed as Groucho doing a song and dance. Groucho watched with amusement. The highlight was the You Bet Your Life segment with Groucho. Jack appeared as contestant Rodney Forsythe, first violinist with the Los Angeles Symphony. He was disguised, but not very, wearing a wig, and he talked nonstop in an effort to “say the secret word.” The secret word was “telephone,” and Jack said, “You can tell a phony,” thus happening upon the secret word in an indirect fashion.

  Occasionally, when the phone would ring at Groucho’s he would say to me, referring back to that program, “It’s the telephony.”

  The segment ended with “Rodney” missing the jackpot when he answers “Thirty-nine” to Groucho’s question, “How old is Jack Benny?” At the end of the program, Groucho recognizes Jack and asks him why he did it. Jack Benny explains, “I may not be a spendthrift, but, brother, I know a bargain when I see one. Where else can you buy twenty-two years for only three thousand dollars?”

  “He’s very good,” Groucho commented as Andy finished running the film for us.

  When Andy found the film of this show buried in a closet, Groucho was enthralled by it. He had Andy run it so many times that Andy memorized all the parts. Groucho usually had him screen it for him as a “double feature” with the excerpt from You Bet Your Life of twelve-year-old Melinda dancing with Gene Nelson. I expressed interest in talking some more with Jack Benny, so Groucho said, “You call him and invite him over here for lunch.”

  Jack was pleased when I called and told him about Groucho’s enthusiasm for his show. “There’s no praise for a comedian that equals the praise of another comedian,” Jack pointed out, adding, however, that although he enjoyed doing the show immensely, it didn’t happen as smoothly as it appeared on film. Comedians work hard to achieve their casual spontaneity. Jack was very excited and pleased about doing Neil Simon’s The Sunshine Boys. He loved the idea of doing another film, and he was giving all of his time to learning his part when he died.

  Groucho told me, “He was a very funny man, and a nice man—I hope they say that about me.”

  GEORGE JESSEL AND BILLY MARX

  “That’s something to conjure with,” Groucho said on hearing that George Jessel was free to come to dinner. “That’s what Jessel always says,” he added.

  George Jessel’s career spans vaudeville, stage, films, radio, and television, going back to Gus Edwards’ days and to The Jazz Singer on Broadway, in which Jessel played the lead. A noted raconteur, he is known for having a phenomenal memory for anecdotes and show business history.

  Before dinner one night, George Jessel, Groucho, Billy Marx, and I sat in the den of Groucho’s house, surrounded by the memorabilia of Groucho’s own long show business career. The good feeling that Jessel felt for Harpo, whom he particularly liked and respected, carried over to Billy, Harpo’s adopted son. Jessel always called Groucho “Julius.”

  GROUCHO

  How old are you?

  GEORGE JESSEL

  Seventy-six, Julius.

  GROUCHO

  You’re a kid! I’m eighty-three.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  I’m trying to think when I first met you.

  GROUCHO

  Gus Edwards’ act.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  No.

  GROUCHO

  Earlier than that?

  GEORGE JESSEL

  Later. On the Mezzanine.

  GROUCHO

  With Hattie Darling. And Benny Leonard invested in the scenery.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  He was stuck on Hattie Darling.

  GROUCHO

  He was a great fighter. And there wasn’t a Jew in New Yo
rk who wouldn’t have gone to bed with him.

  BILLY

  Do you remember what the Marx Brothers did in On the Mezzanine?

  GEORGE JESSEL

  I don’t know. I’ve forgotten.

  GROUCHO

  I cracked jokes. And Chico said, “I’d like to say goodbye to your wife.” I says, “Who wouldn’t?”

  GEORGE JESSEL

  (To Billy Marx) Then your father played the harp, and Chico played the piano.

  GROUCHO

  And Harpo kept kicking Chico in the rear end.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  Was Gummo in the act then, or Zeppo?

  GROUCHO

  No, Zeppo.

  I

  About what year was that?

  GROUCHO

  About 1850.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  1921.

  GROUCHO

  And Benny Leonard was the champion of the world.

  I

  I expect to see Hattie Darling.

  GROUCHO

  I think she lives in…

  GEORGE JESSEL

  Chicago.

  GROUCHO

  She’s married to a jeweler.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  He died.

  BILLY

  How old is she now?

  GROUCHO

  She’s younger than me.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  She was only about eighteen or nineteen. She was in the Winter Garden with me in 1923.

  GROUCHO

  Did I tell you when I went to the Winter Garden one night? I wasn’t wearing a mustache, and Houdini was doing a trick onstage. He took some needles and put them in his mouth, and put some thread in there, and he would thread the needles. So he asked for a volunteer from the audience, and I went up on the stage. He didn’t know who I was. He says, “What do you see in there?” and I says, “Pyorrhea.”

  GEORGE JESSEL

  I’ll tell you the funniest story about Houdini. Do you remember Joe Cook?

  GROUCHO

  Sure, very well.

  GEORGE JESSEL

  Great comedian. We had a big benefit that Heywood Broun gave at the George Cohan Theatre. Every star was there, and Joe Cook came on very late. He said to the audience, “You’ve all heard of Houdini. And his famous trick is they lock him in a milk can and throw him in the ocean, and he gets out. But ladies and gentlemen, you’ll always notice,” he said, “that he used his own milk can. Now, if anybody in the audience has got a milk can, bring it up. I’ll be very glad to get out of it.” And he waited a second and said, “Well, if I can’t get one…!”