Entangled in Darkness

by Lindsey Webster

  Chapter 4

  I tossed and turned, twisting myself in the blankets further. I felt like I was being strangled in them. Frustrated, I kicked my way out of the covers and sat up in bed. I wanted to rip everything off my bed, tear it all up and throw it out. I wanted to scream. But more than anything, I wanted to sleep and I wasn’t sleeping. It was 5:47am according to my clock that glowed with its red radiating numbers. I really hadn’t slept for more than a couple hours and not in a row.

  I went to bed at 10:30pm because I really couldn’t stand being up any longer. My head hurt with the thoughts that rambled through it. I thought about my father and his beastly stare. I imagined him stalking through a forest, tearing through the trees and ripping apart a poor defenseless deer. He was a monster, he was capable of anything. Or maybe I just thought he was. Maybe I was just so afraid of him that my overactive imagination took control. Honestly, I didn’t know what he was capable of sometimes.

  I figured going to bed would make all those thoughts of him go away, but it didn’t. I was exhausted but I could only lay there with my eyes wide open. Every time I shut my eyes I could see his own eyes staring forward at me, portraying the madness inside of them. I needed to hit my head against the wall just to numb the thoughts. But I didn’t. I just lay there wincing at the pain I felt inside as my heart beat fast and loud.

  I wasn’t just upset about my father even if he dominated my thoughts. I laid there for five hours ruminating about school, men, Lexie, my sisters, Mom, Dad. Every negative thing I could possibly think of had gone through my mind several times that night. My mind has spun out of control. I can’t believe I actually thought about hitting my head on the wall. That was a new low. That was how desperate I was that night. Though, at least I still had some restraint.

  The next morning I had to get up at 8am for an eight hour shift at the bookstore. I didn’t even want to think about how awful it would be to listen to customers all day when I only had a few hours sleep. It was thinking of that which made me get out of bed then and search the medicine cabinet in the kitchen for anything that might make me sleep.

  There was a large container of Tylenol in there, probably more than one person would need. Next to it were bottles of aspirin and ibuprofen. I searched behind them and found some cold and flu pills. They might work. I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t read the label because it was dark in the kitchen and all I had was the beginning of daylight coming in from the window. Turning on the light and having someone wake up and ask me what the heck I was doing searching through the medicine cabinet at 6am didn’t seem like a good idea.

  I sighed and brought the box of cold and flu pills over to the window to read them under the faint morning light. It was a generic brand. I looked over the package until I found exactly what I was looking for. "Caution: May cause drowsiness." I figured that would work. I took one with a glass of water and put the rest back in the cupboard. I crawled back in bed and bundled myself up in the covers. Staring at the clock, I watched the numbers slowly turn. 6:04... 6:10... 6:19...

  Suddenly the alarm clock screamed and I jumped out of bed, looking around. I turned it off with a shudder. It felt louder than usual, more piercing. I took in a deep breath and let it out, rubbing my eyes gently. I stretched out my arms and took in a deep yawn that filled my entire chest with precious air. I looked at my clock, my vision a little blurry from rubbing my eyes, and noticed that it was 8:01. I felt the drug-induced drowsiness pervade my body as I sat there slightly woozy.

  My head throbbed as I got up and searched for my clothes. My closet used to be a lot tidier, but in the last week it had become a disarray of clothing just tossed in it instead of being hung up. I dug through the closet and finally found my black work shirt that had Thrifton Place Books embroidered on the breast pocket and a pair of nice black pants. I threw them on the bed and sat down next to them. I really wasn’t ready to get up. I let myself crash backwards onto the bed. A few more minutes couldn’t hurt. Soon I had was completely in bed and covered up under my comforter.

  As I lay there face up, my eyelids felt heavy. I could feel them closing over and over again as I strained to keep them open. My breaths got slower and deeper as I felt the calm of drowsiness sink over me.

  My thoughts turned to showering. It didn’t matter if I showered did it? I could get away with it, couldn’t I? Then I could sleep for a little while longer. I had showered the day before when I got home from school. It was a really relaxing shower. The water bathing over me. Warm. Soothing.

  Soon I had fallen back asleep. Instantly I found myself wandering through the hallways at school as fellow students pushed past me in a rush. I didn’t know where they were heading. I felt confused though. The hallways were a blur and everything was moving in fast motion around me. I was spinning around quickly and then I started hearing a loud tapping sound.

  The knocking at the door pried me out of my sleep. I opened my eyes and looked towards the door. "What?" I groaned.

  "It’s 8:30am, Annalyn. We gotta get to work," Lexie insisted from outside the door. "Aren’t you up yet? We are gonna be late."

  "Crap. Hold on. I’m getting up right now." I felt an intense grumpiness as I forced myself to sit up.

  I felt a little dizzy this time. I stood up and nearly fell over as I tripped past the textbooks strewn all over the floor. I made my way over to my clothes on the other side of the double bed and put them on. I stumbled a little on my feet as I tried to put my pants on. After a few minutes, I was ready to go. I emerged from my bedroom to see a not so happy best friend staring at the clock on the microwave as she sat at the kitchen table.

  "Sorry, I overslept," I said in a whiney but apologetic voice.

  "Aren’t you gonna brush your hair?" Lexie asked me with baffled eyes and a raised eyebrow.

  "Damn it," I mumbled.

  "We’re gonna be late," she called out as I disappeared into my bedroom in search of a hairbrush.

  "I know. I’m sorry. What, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" I said in an edgy tone.

  "Annalyn, that’s not fair. You are the one making us late!" Lexie yelled from the front room.

  "Okay, okay. I’m coming. Let’s go," I said as I grabbed my purse and rushed past her towards the door, my eyes filled with resentment.

  Once we got into the parking garage and arrived at my car, I dove into my large black purse for my keys. I could see the irritation as her brows tensed together and her lips pinched closed. I dug through my purse, my breath feeling stifled by my nerves, and finally felt keys at the very bottom of my purse. Taking a deep breath in, I felt relief at the dangling sound they made as I pulled them out.

  "Okay, let’s go sunshine," I said sarcastically through my yawn as we got into the car. Lexie said nothing until we got a few blocks away. "What are you doing?" She yelled at me, breaking the silence. "What?" I asked as my eyes narrowed.

  "You just ran a yellow." Her voice was sharp.

  "So what? I know what I am doing," I said.

  "It turned red before you made it past the intersection." The sharpness of her voice shot through my ears.

  "I know how to drive!" I snapped.

  "Why are you so tired anyways?" She asked, lightening up her tone.

  "I couldn’t sleep last night so I took some Cold & Flu pills. Obviously it backfired," I replied yawning.

  "What time did you take them?" she said concerned.

  "At 6am."

  "Seriously? Should you even be driving!" she screeched.

  "I’m fine," I snapped.

  "Stop!" She screamed. Suddenly I saw a blonde little boy walking across the crosswalk with his mom in hand. He looked at me fearfully as his mom started to pull on him to keep going. She flashed me a dirty look. I felt miserable about it as the guilt pervaded me.

  "Pull over. I’m driving," she insisted.

  "Okay," I said, stunned, as I stared at the mother and child as they made it to the other end of the st
reet. My heart was pounding as I watched them. I couldn’t believe I almost hit them. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid as to actually allow myself to drive two and a half hours after taking some cold pills. I started thinking that my dad must have been right about what a disappointment I was. If only he could see me now. I felt like a mess. I hadn’t even showered. I got out of the car slowly, my body stiff with shock, and passed the keys to Lexie. My heart ached as I sat in the passenger seat and watched the world go by as she drove us.

  Six hours into my shift that same day, my mind was swollen with thoughts about the little boy as I put books on the shelves. Suddenly I saw a short stocky woman in a pink polka dot dress making a dash for me.

  "I can’t find what I am looking for! It’s so frustrating. Where are Little Emma’s Adventure books? My kid wants one of those books so bad," she asked me in a frazzled tone as her eyes darted around the store.

  I forced a smile, "I’m sorry for your troubles, I will look on the computer right now to see if they are in stock." She pinched her lips together as she hovered over me while I looked for it. I couldn’t find it and I knew that wasn’t going to be an acceptable answer to her. I felt a twinge of nerves and swallowed. "Ma’am, we don’t have any of those books in stock. I can order some in for you." I tried to feign confidence as if I was an expert employee.

  "That is not acceptable. How can you not have them? There are five kids in her class with those books. Obviously they are popular. I don’t know why I came here. I should have gone to The Reader’s Emporium." She narrowed her eyes and stomped off.

  The Reader’s Emporium was a big chain of bookstores, our main competition. Thrifton Place Books was a medium-sized independent bookstore. It was fairly well stocked and had a good deal of customers. People often came to read and have a latte at the coffee bar inside our store. We had become quite a trendy place over the years, especially with the 20 year olds. It was probably because we were right next to the university.

  I really didn’t hate my job but dealing with dissatisfied customers all day was draining. I much preferred stocking the shelves with new arrivals and keeping things orderly and in place rather than listening to them. Lexie usually did cashiering. I don’t know how she could stand it.

  "Miss, where is the bathroom?" a man came up behind me. He was so tall that he startled me. It was like turning around and walking into a tall evergreen tree. A little girl holding his hand was squirming uncomfortably. I quickly pointed towards the washrooms which were right next to the coffee bar. The little girl ran off towards them and he sighed and followed.

  I looked at my watch and it felt like the seconds were ticking away slower than normal. It didn’t help that every time I saw a little boy with blond hair come in the store, I could see the boy I almost hit that morning in my mind. His fear radiated throughout my head. His eyes were terror-stricken and confused. They continued to stare at me as he was dragged off by his mother. Her glare wouldn’t leave my head either. It felt like every third customer had a little blond boy following them in.

  "Annalyn, There’s a group of kids coming in for story time. I need you to help out with that. There’s a woman coming in to read some stories," Dan, one of the managers told me. He was a middle-aged man who was quite attractive (especially in Lexie’s opinion). He wasn’t unpleasant but was rather spacey most of the time. He was quiet and would come and go without saying much or really noticing things. He had his own rhythm and routine and didn’t keep in pace with the rest of the store. He kept busy though and the head manager never seemed to have a problem with him.

  "Okay." I nodded.

  Suddenly a group of eight to ten children that looked like they were in kindergarten came dashing through the store. A few adults came in with them, though hardly bothering to control the little guys as they flooded the store and walked around talking and giggling. Here we go, I thought as I let out a sigh.

  During story time, I stood off to the side of the children’s section as a woman read aloud a book about some gooey monster going ice skating with other monsters — a rather odd notion to me, but the kids seemed to love it.

  As I stood there, I felt like I was being watched. I looked out into the crowd of children sitting cross-legged on the floor but I couldn’t see any of them looking at me. None of the parents were either. But I could feel someone’s eyes on me. I scanned the room and felt a creepy chill hush over me. Someone had to be there but I couldn’t spot them. My heart rushed and I writhed uncomfortably. My palms were sweaty. And then I saw him. It was the little boy from that morning. He was sitting in the crowd staring at me. I don’t know why I never saw him before. I don’t think he even came in with them, but there he was staring at me. His eyes were glassy looking as if he were a deer caught in the headlights. I looked away in terror.

  Turning around, I slowly made my way past a bookshelf and hid behind it. I peered out at him from around the corner. But as I looked, I couldn’t see him anymore. I rushed out of the book stacks and looked around for him. I spotted a blond haired boy leaving the store alone. Letting out a breath, I turned around and made my way back to the children’s section. The reader paused for a second as she saw me return and then continued reading. I suddenly felt very stupid. She had seen me all panicked and hiding from a little boy, hadn’t she? The bridge of my nose felt like sweat was glistening on it. I wiped away the moisture from my face. My stomach felt like it had gone in loopy loops.

  "Hey," a voice said from behind me, rattling me away from my thoughts. As I looked up, I noticed all the kids were leaving and the storyteller was packing up the books. I turned around and saw Lexie.

  "Was it boring?" she asked.

  "What?" I replied, feeling dazed.

  "Story time?"

  "Oh. Yeah. I guess. I really wasn’t paying much attention," I said in a low tone as I stared past her towards the storyteller as she waved goodbye to me. I didn’t trust that smile on her face. She had seen me leave story time and now she was pretending she didn’t. I didn’t know why. Maybe she was gonna tell Dan. I watched her leave with suspicion. "What’s up with you? Are those cold and flu pills still doping you up?" Lexie asked.

  "Um, yeah. Probably." My eyes dashed around the store. I couldn’t see the woman anymore. I didn’t know if she had ducked into the back to talk to Dan or if she had left. I walked towards the back and listened for her voice. It was an unmistakable low husky voice.

  "Where are you going?" I could hear the faint voice of my best friend from a few metres behind me. I peaked around the corner of the hallway into the manager’s office. Dan was talking to someone. I could hear his voice but I couldn’t see the person without being seen.

  "Thanks so much for coming," he said.

  "No problem. I always like helping out," the low husky voice said.

  It was her. What was she talking about? Was she telling on me? Was my job in jeopardy? I quivered inside.

  "Who are you spying on?" Lexie whispered as she came up behind me, pulling on my arm to go back into the main part of the store. "Shh…" I said and stared into the office. Suddenly the woman was getting up. My eyes opened wide and I froze.

  "Come on," Lexie said as she pulled me down the hallway. "I don’t know what you are doing, but people are coming." With that, I snapped out of my haze and rushed out of the back hallway into the store and in behind a stack of books. The woman emerged, her red hair glowing like fire under the florescent lights. She headed towards the doors and I could see her disappear through them. My heart was beating wildly. I turned to Lexie, wide eyed in misery, and shook my head.

  "What were you doing back there!"

  "I think she was talking to Dan about me. I don’t trust that woman," I replied.

  "Who are you talking about?" she asked me, her voice boiling. "The red-head, the one that was doing story time. I don’t know her name."

  "Oh, Shelby Curtis. What would she possibly have to tell about you?"

  "It’s not important.
Just stuff," I said, brushing it off.

  "You have been so..." she sighed, "I don’t know... odd lately. I don’t know what’s gotten into you. But you can’t be acting like this at work and you know it."

  "You’re still mad about this morning aren’t you? We weren’t even late."

  "I’m not mad about anything. I just don’t get what’s gotten into you. I mean we are at work and you are gonna get us both in trouble for going around and spying on our guest reader and the manager."

  "Just drop it, okay. Let’s get back to work."

  I walked away briskly not bothering to wait for her to say anything. I was seething with anger. No one seemed to get it. Things were falling apart beneath me as if the floor was cracking open and I was slipping into a black hole. It didn’t help that I had my best friend all mad at me now.

  Suddenly I saw Dan emerging from the back. He saw me and headed towards me. My stomach was tied up in knots.

  "Annalyn. There’s some new arrivals. I need you to go unpack them," Dan said, expressionless, before turning around and walking to the back of the store. I couldn’t tell if he was mad at me or not. I couldn’t read him at all.

  "Dan, wait. Did Shelby say anything about story time?" "She said it went well. She’ll be back next Saturday for another story time," he said as he continued to walk away.

  "Okay," I said as he disappeared into the back. I didn’t know what to think so I just went and unpacked books for the rest of my shift. My head was still preoccupied with thoughts of the little boy, Shelby and my job. I could think of nothing else all afternoon.

  It was Thursday morning and I had pressed snooze on my alarm three times already. I resolved that I wasn’t getting up and finally turned the damn thing off. It was another night of hardly sleeping. I tossed and turned with violent frustration for hours upon hours. I remember seeing the clock at 5am and knowing that I still hadn’t slept at all. I was afraid to touch the cold and flu pills after what had happened last time, so I just didn’t sleep until about 6am. It had been like that all week.

  The alarm clock glowed 9:27am. School started at 10am and I didn’t care. I was supposed to be going to English but I couldn’t bear to sit there and listen to the teacher’s interpretation of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, which I was supposed to read and didn’t. Instead, I had spent the week watching mindless television after going to class and sitting there barely paying attention. Lexie had been ragging on me all week about getting up and doing something, but I didn’t care. I was mad at her for being such a hag to me on Saturday at work. I didn’t tell her this though. I sat with my anger, bottling it up instead. Maybe I should have been over it by then. It had been several days, but I couldn’t seem to get things out of my head. I was ruminating about everything.

  I stared at my alarm clock and let myself drift back to sleep. The next time I opened my eyes, it was 1pm. I sat up wide-eyed with surprise that I had slept that long. I felt groggier than ever and had a throbbing headache.

  I got up and perused the fridge for something to eat, but nothing appealed to me. My stomach felt repulsed at everything I saw. The fridge was half full, stocked with eggs, milk, cheese, and everything else I needed to make a decent meal. I turned to the pantry and looked inside. Crackers, soup, loaves of whole wheat bread, cereal. My stomach churned. I couldn’t bear to eat any of it. In fact, I wasn’t even hungry, so I closed the pantry doors and plunked myself down on the couch to watch some TV.

  I flipped through the channels, finding nothing worth watching. I settled on a Soap Opera. I wasn’t one to watch them, and I hadn’t even seen this one, but there was nothing else on. I lay down, burying my head in the couch pillow and covered myself up with a blanket.

  The next thing I remember was the phone ringing. I looked at my watch. It was just after 3pm. I picked up the phone and Janey was on the other end.

  "Guess what? There was this geek at school today and he asked me out in front of everyone! I was so embarrassed," she went on.

  "That’s exciting," I said as I rubbed my eyes with my free hand to wake up a little more.

  "What? Exciting. Are you even listening? I was mortified at school today!"

  "Sorry. I just woke up from a nap," I said, turning the TV off.

  "A nap. Why the heck would you nap at this time? Was school too tiring for you?" she said with a laugh.

  "I didn’t go," I said in a dead tone.

  "What? I thought you had school on Thursdays."

  "I didn’t bother going."

  "What’s wrong? You sound upset," Janey changing her tone.

  "I’m not upset and I wish everyone would stop asking me that," I replied dead-voiced.

  "Well if you are upset, obviously people are gonna ask you that. Now tell me what’s wrong. I can help," Janey pried.

  "It’s just... everything." I sighed and looked at the ground, a lump forming in my throat.

  "Tell me. I can help."

  "I’m just so tired all the time. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating really either. Everything is repulsive to me. I can’t bear it. I just feel like... I don’t know. Everything feels crappy. Nothing is turning out the way it was supposed to."

  "How were things supposed to turn out?" she asked innocently.

  "I was supposed to love school, be a straight A+ student. I was supposed to be making friends and having fun and enjoying life as an adult with no parents around."

  "And that hasn’t happened?"

  "No. I hate school. I hate life. I have all of this crap. I just need to escape. I feel so—" I choked on my words as tears began to stream down my face, "I feel so unhappy. I just hate life so much. I might as well be dead."

  "Don’t say that," Janey exclaimed.

  "But it’s true. I mean what is really worth living for? Nothing. I have nothing."

  "You have me. Isn’t that enough?" she said. I think she was getting angry, but I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t decipher anything anymore.

  "If I didn’t have you, I don’t know what I would do. I wish you could live with me."

  "I do too. Why don’t you come over and hang out with me?" Janey asked.

  "And let Dad see me like this? I don’t think so."

  "You can pick me up somewhere and we can go hang out," she pushed.

  "No, no. I don’t want to bring you down. I’m such a mess. I wouldn’t be any fun to hang out with."

  "That’s not true. I can make you have fun," she said with an upbeat tone.

  "No one can make me have fun, Janey. It’s pointless even trying," I whined.

  "Stop saying that. I don’t understand why you are so upset. I’m just trying to make you feel better and you aren’t even trying. You have to try in order to feel better. And you’re not. So there you go. Feel like crap then." I heard the phone slam down and a dial tone quickly followed.

  I swallowed my tears and hung up the phone. I lay down and turned the TV back on. There was some talk show on. It was something about paternity tests. It didn’t appeal to me, but the remote was on the coffee table and I didn’t want to lift my arm up and reach for it. Instead, I closed my eyes, listening to people crying and ranting on the TV.

  Suddenly, I started to cry. I don’t know what it was. I just cried. I wailed and sobbed violently. I slammed my fist down on the coffee table, and immediately yelled "ouch!" and sobbed some more. Honestly, I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just wanted to die. I pulled the blanket over my head and buried myself in it. I didn’t want the world to see me, even if no one was in the apartment. I was so ashamed of myself.

  I lay there like that for hours, eventually falling into a numbed state where I felt nothing. I didn’t even bother pulling the blankets off my head until I heard the door being unlocked. I realized I was a mess. I quickly ran to the bathroom before the door opened and locked myself in there. The sight in the mirror was shocking. I realized I hadn’t even brushed my hair that day. The fact that I had buri
ed myself in the couch cushions and a blanket didn’t help the look. My eyes were still a little red and puffy from crying.

  "Annalyn?" I heard from the other side of the door.

  "I’m busy!" I yelled, more harsh than I had meant to.

  "Okay, but I need to use the bathroom," the voice said innocently.

  "Shauna, you’re gonna have to wait!" I screamed, shocking myself even. My heart pounded into my chest, my breaths fast and shallow.

  "What is your problem!" she yelled back. I put my ear up to the door and heard her walk away. I turned back to the mirror.

  "What am I gonna do with myself?" I mouthed breathily to my reflection.

  I got out my hairbrush and started to brush out the tangles in my dark blonde hair. I noticed it was a little greasy at the roots and then remembered I never bothered to have a shower when I got home from school yesterday. I looked towards the shower. It never looked as unappealing as it did right now. I couldn’t bear the thought of water rushing over me, of getting wet and having to be cold once I turned the shower off. I stared into the mirror for a few minutes, a sorrow-filled expression on my face.

  After a moment, my haze was broken by the sound of talking in the apartment. I held my ear up to the door.

  "She won’t let me in. There is something wrong with that girl, Lexie," Shauna remarked with disgust in her voice. I felt rancid about myself in that moment.

  "There’s nothing wrong with Annalyn. She’s just adjusting to things. I’ll talk to her," Lexie said. I heard her coming towards the door. I backed away from it.

  "Annalyn, what’s going on? She needs to use the bathroom. She’s got work in an hour and she needs to get ready," Lexie told me. I could see the doorknob twisting. "Can you unlock the door and come out."

  I did what she said and walked straight past her, not even looking at anyone, and went into my bedroom. She followed me in and closed the door behind her.

  "What’s wrong?" she said in a sympathetic tone.

  I sighed. "Nothing... everything... I’m not sure." I said in a whiney meek voice as I felt like my whole body was drooping to the ground. I stood there and stared out the window.

  "Obviously something is going on with you. I just want to help. Let me in." She walked up to me and put her hand gently on my shoulder.

  "I just feel crappy lately. I don’t know why. It just feels like everything is going wrong and no one understands. They all think I should be happy and enjoying things. But I’m not. I’m incapable of enjoying anything. And what’s worse, I made Janey angry at me today. She yelled at me and then hung up on me," I said in a low tone.

  "Oh, Annalyn. I’m so sorry, sweetie. But she’s just a kid. Of course she isn’t gonna get it. How can I help you? You gotta let me know." She looked at me sincerely, her chocolate eyes melting in warmth.

  "I don’t know."

  "Are you mad at me?" she asked, frowning.

  I looked away. "I was. I’m not now."

  "I’m sorry. I should have been nicer to you at work this weekend. But you know how I am when I am working. I get so flustered about trying to do a good job and make all the bosses and customers happy that I lose sight of the people that really matter."

  "I know you’re sorry. It’s okay. I’m not really mad anyways."

  "Then what is it?" she asked gently.

  "I really don’t know, okay. Please stop asking me that because I don’t know the answer and it only makes me feel worse when I have to think about it," I replied, my eyes filled deeply with sorrow.

  "I’m sorry. Maybe if we go out tonight, you can get your mind off things."

  "Where would we go?"

  "The pub, I guess. I know you have school in the morning, but we don’t have to drink a lot or stay out late. We’ll just have some dinner."

  "Okay," I said, my voice lacking in any enthusiasm.

  "Good. Now let’s get you ready," she said as she took a strand of my hair and put it behind my ear. "When Shauna is done in the shower, you can go take one."

  "I don’t know what to wear. I hate thinking of what to wear," I whined.

  "I’ll pick out something while you have a shower okay," she smiled at me.

  "Okay," I said, still not very enthused by her plans.

  "Are you sure you wanna have another drink?" Lexie asked me as we sat at the pub by campus.

  I started feeling naked against her judgments as she stared at me. I had been drowning my sorrows in booze all evening and I could tell she had her opinions about it. I knew she was thinking that I was some messed up friend she needed to fix, that I was falling apart, that I was an embarrassment to her for sitting there depressed and drinking while everyone else around me was having fun. Worse, Shauna was starting to think things about me. She thought I was crazy and screwed up. I just knew she was telling everyone. Soon they would start to talk. There would be gossip. I definitely felt naked.

  "Lexie, stop being my mom. If I want another drink, I should be able to have one," I said as I ordered another vodka cooler.

  "I’m just saying you have school tomorrow morning," she chided.

  "And I’m saying I don’t care!" I exclaimed. She looked around. "No one is staring. There’s nothing to stare at. I’m sorry I embarrass you," I said, my voice low and harsh.

  "Maybe we should leave. You’re obviously not having a good time."

  "I already ordered my next drink. We can go once I finish it."

  "Okay." She looked down at the table and fiddled with one of the beer coasters.

  There was dead silence. I think she was getting nervous. She wasn’t afraid of me, she was afraid for me. My behaviour was getting worse and more uncharacteristic as the days went on.

  "Here you go. Can I get you anything else?" the waiter said as he put the cooler on my table and a glass of ice. I shook my head, no smile on my face, and began pouring the cooler into my glass.

  "Would you like anything else," he said, turning to Lexie.

  "Can you just get our bill," she said.

  I glared at her, my eyes piercing into her. As soon as he left, I spoke up. "That was rude. You don’t know that I was done."

  "As your friend, I am telling you we are done. Obviously drinking this much has a negative effect on you. You’ve just gotten more irritable with each drink. I wish I hadn’t suggested we come here."

  "Don’t judge me. Why don’t you just go if you don’t want to be around me," I said, my eyes feeling as if they were on fire.

  "Then you’ll have no ride home. I’ll wait." She had a lot more patience than I had.

  "Fine." I turned to my cooler and began sipping it, the chilled peach coloured liquid feeling soothing against my tongue. It didn’t take long before I had finished it.

  "Okay, let’s go." Lexie said as she left her share of the bill on the table.

  I pulled out two purple tens out of my wallet and left it for the waiter. I could hear Lexie sighing as she grabbed her purse and briskly headed out the door. I followed her, my face sour and looking down. I kicked a few rocks as I walked towards her car. Then I came across a larger rock. I stopped and like an angry child, I took a big swing of the leg and sent it hurling several meters ahead. It hit Lexie in the calf. She turned around and just stared at me. I had never felt such a piercing stare from her before.

  "Never again!" she yelled.

  "What?" I asked innocently.

  "We are never going drinking again!"

  She turned back around and got into the car, slamming the door shut. Suddenly, I felt an intense guilt burning a hole in me. I sat in the car feeling as if it would burn through my whole body. I glanced at her a few times, feeling the shame in my behaviour. I looked down at the ground and spoke meekly. "I’m sorry." She looked at me, her face turning soft. She could never stay angry at me. Instead, I knew she was scared.

  "I know."

  The rest of the car ride was silent. I could tell she didn’t want to say it anymore than I did.
She didn’t want to say that I was heading for trouble, that things weren’t okay. Like me, I think she was afraid I wasn’t going to be the same after that.