Balls for Breakfast

by Louise Collins

  “And you said?”

  “He’s just gone for a shower. He looked like he wanted to push me aside and go up there after you, then he shoved the cereal box to my chest, almost knocking me off my feet. He’s shit scary.”

  “This is stupid, he’s just a man.” Travis exhaled. “We’re not kids.”

  “That guy makes me feel like I am,” Luke mumbled. “I’m not answering the door.”

  “Neither am I,” Amy agreed.

  Luke nodded. “That settles it then. Travis, you go answer the door.”

  Travis sighed, pushed off from his knees, then dropped back down when Patrick struck the glass again. He couldn’t face him after the daddy incident.

  “Can’t do it.”

  “Exactly. He really must’ve loved those pots if he’s after us.”

  “He’s not after us.” Travis snapped.

  “Then what does he want?”

  “I—I don’t know.”

  They waited a few minutes, then Amy popped her head up, and announced the mobster was gone.

  “He’s not a mobster.” Travis mumbled.

  “Then what is he?” Amy asked, “You speak to him more than us.”

  “I give him his post, that’s it.”

  “Any unusually shaped packages?”

  “Yeah, swords, guns, drugs. Something suspiciously like a dildo.”

  Amy lifted her eyebrows and gawped. “Really? A kinky mobster.”

  “Of course not. Everything comes in boxes anyway.”

  “Look,” Luke said raising his hands. “Whether he’s a spy, a mafia boss, or a sewage cleaner, he scares the shit out of me.”

  Amy grinned. “Then a sewage cleaner would be a fitting job.”

  Luke laughed, and tugged her closer into a hug. “Right, I need a shower. You coming?”

  Amy nodded, then rushed past Luke and up the stairs. He followed eagerly, and Travis heard them giggling all the way to the bathroom. The door slammed, and Travis knew it would be some time before they appeared again.

  He stepped across the living room and craned his neck to see the front yard. Patrick wasn’t outside, and Travis sighed and scratched his head.

  He had called Patrick, the potential mafia boss, daddy. There was no coming back from it. Travis patted his blushing cheeks, and inwardly counted to ten. He needed to focus on the night ahead, not the mortifying morning gone by.

  ****

  Amy gave Travis an enthusiastic thumbs up. He looked down at his green shirt and black trousers and sighed.

  “Really, can’t I just put the white shirt on?”

  Amy shook her head. “Trust me, brings out your eyes. You should ruffle your hair.”

  “I don’t wanna look like I’ve just dragged myself outta bed.”

  “The bed head look is hot.”

  Travis gave in and ran his hands through his hair, flicking out the strands. “Happy?”

  “Not quite,” Amy said, stepping forward.

  She plucked strands into position, then bobbed her head. “There, sexy, but casually sexy. Now close your eyes.”

  “What? Why?”

  Amy grabbed her can of hair spray, and vigorously doused Travis’s head. “Don’t go near any open flames.”

  Travis opened his eyes to glare at her, but vapors in the air made him blink in quick succession.

  “Told you to keep your eyes shut.”

  “Jesus, that stuff burns.”

  “That’s why you can’t go near fires.”

  Travis rolled his eyes, then gestured to himself. “Do I fit your criteria?”

  Amy made a popping sound with her lips, then smiled. “Yeah, you’ll get some action for sure.”

  Luke strolled into the room, running his fingers against his newly shaved jaw. He wore a white shirt, black trousers, and an un-done tie around his neck. Amy squealed with delight and clapped her hands.

  “You’re looking fine.”

  “Wish I could say the same about you.”

  Amy huffed, and looked down at the towel wrapped around her body. Another one was wrapped around her head, so tight it yanked at her eyes. “You can’t rush perfection.”

  Luke checked his watch. “Well, you’ll have to rush it a bit, or we’ll be late.”

  “Fine,” Amy mumbled, brushing by Luke. “I’m gonna be doing my hair, no interruptions.”

  Luke made a cross-my-heart gesture, then she disappeared through the door.

  “How you holding up?” Luke asked.

  “Amy’s been teaching me how to flirt.”

  “Oh. Dear. God.”

  “I know. Apparently, I’ve got to laugh even if I don’t think stuff funny, play with my hair, lean close, lick my lips, blink slowly—”

  “Wait, she better not do all that to me.”

  “Apparently that’s how she got you.”

  Luke shook his head. “Nah. What you need to do is act confident.”

  “I’m not confident.”

  “Then pretend you’re someone else.”

  Travis pressed his lips in a grim smile. “That’s lovely advice from my best mate, “pretend I’m someone else.””

  Luke snorted, and his snort morphed into a laugh. Travis couldn’t help but laugh, too, and shoved Luke’s shoulder playfully.

  “I didn’t mean it like that. Just pretend you’re a confident guy. Make the first move, go over, introduce yourself, make a pun, then offer to buy a drink.”

  “Hi, I’m Travis, I’m a postman, I might even deliver to your house.”

  Luke laughed. “Bit stalkerish—don’t mention the Postman Pat part.”

  Travis narrowed his eyes, then pinched Luke’s arm.

  “Ow! It makes you sound old that’s all … wait, is that why you’re into the dadd—D-porn? It’s only retirement aged people that answer the door and you’ve developed a thing for them?”

  Travis flared his nostrils. “Not funny.”

  “It’s hilarious. If Amy was here, she would’ve laughed.”

  “Yeah, and then she would’ve played with her hair, leaned in close, licked her lips and blinked slowly and you’d turn to putty in her hands.”

  “Screw you.”

  “Besides, Amy doesn’t even know what daddy porn is.”

  Luke shrugged. “She does now, I told her.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Wrinkly old dudes do it for you.”

  Travis groaned, and dropped his head into his hands. “That’s not it—”

  Luke held up his hands. “Wahey, I don’t wanna know what you like about it, but that’s what it looks like to me. I bet you heard the club was called Golden Oldies and got well excited.”

  “I hate you.”

  “Well, just so you’re not disappointed, it’s called Golden Oldies because it plays club classics … there’s no grandads whipping their clothes off.”

  “Are you done humiliating me?”

  “Not by a long shot. Now come on, beers downstairs.”

  Travis sighed, then followed Luke downstairs into the kitchen. He grabbed the uncapped beer thrust towards him and listened to the barely audible pop of bubbles. His stomach fizzled louder with unease.

  “Wh—what if no one’s interested in me?”

  Luke lowered his bottle and glared. “Of course they will be. I’m not gay, but even I can tell you’re hot.”

  “Every time we’ve gone out, you’ve got more attention from guys than me.”

  “Those ‘guys’ aren’t interested in me. They ask about you. You give off don’t seduce me vibes like it’s an aftershave, and it makes ‘em nervous.”

  “I don’t mean to.”

  “Well, tonight, you’ll be wearing come get me aftershave, with a side spray of take me now.”

  Travis smirked, then took a mouthful of beer. Luke was watching him intently, and he lifted an eyebrow.

  “What is it?”

  “You’re my best mate, and I just want you to be happy. I know you say you’re not into the whole romance thing,
the dates, the gifts, but I know secretly you are.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Every rom-com we’ve watched, your eyes well up.”

  “That was one time, one time, and I was tired, there was dust in the air, and I had a cold.”

  “Excuses, excuses.” Luke mumbled. “Have an open mind tonight, that’s all I’m saying. Give guys a chance, and you might find someone right for you.”

  “Okay, open mind. Got it.”

  “And after a few months of dating, you can casually drop into conversation you like d-porn and they might buy an old-man mask to wear in bed.”

  Travis lifted his beer ready to throw, but Luke ducked down behind the counter, laughing.

  Chapter Three

  The pizza did nothing to cure the slosh of nervousness in Travis’s stomach. He pressed his hand to his chest and swallowed hard.

  “Anyone else feeling sick?”

  Luke shook his head. “Nope, I’m fine, but the pizza was a month out of date.”

  “Great, that’s just great.”

  “It’s fine, I promise.”

  Amy wiggled her hips as she walked into the living room, then turned in a slow circle. Her red sequin dress dazzled in the light, and her hair was curled and pinned back.

  “How do I look?”

  “Hot,” Luke replied instantly.

  “Is that it? That’s the best you could come up with.”

  “Really smoking hot,” Luke said wincing.

  Amy grinned, and Luke relaxed his face and gave her a loud and exploratory kiss. Travis looked away, but the kiss seemed to linger, and he grew even more uncomfortable. He was saved by the beep of the taxi.

  Amy pulled back with a gasp. “Taxi’s here.” She took Luke by the hand and led him to the door. “Meet you out there.”

  Travis climbed to his feet and smoothed his shirt against his chest. He checked his reflection in the living room mirror and nodded in approval. He looked as good as he was ever going to look, and hoped he caught someone’s eye in the club.

  “I can do this.” He muttered, then moved towards the door. He paused, patted down his trousers, then cursed. He had his keys and wallet, but not his phone he left on charge.

  He yanked it free, then rushed to the front door. He froze when he saw Patrick outside, talking with Amy and Luke. Patrick still wearing his tank top with his arms folded, flashing his pronounced biceps. He glared at Luke, and Luke shrunk towards the taxi with Amy behind him.

  Travis breathed deep, then stepped out of the house. The slam of the front door had everyone turn towards him, and he scraped the key over the lock several times trying to look unaffected. He failed miserably when he dropped the key on the floor and it took him two attempts to swoop down and grab it.

  “How many have you had?” Patrick asked.

  His voice was low and gravelly, and Travis found he couldn’t speak.

  “He hasn’t had that many.” Luke insisted.

  “I wasn’t asking you, I was asking Travis.”

  “Only two beers…” Travis forced out.

  Patrick looked him up and down, then frowned at the key in Travis’s hand. “Two?”

  “Yeah.”

  Luke patted the top of the taxi. “So, we’re gonna get inside.”

  Amy flung open the door and leapt in the back. Luke quickly followed.

  Patrick’s frown left his features, and he uncrossed his arms, stepping closer. His eyes that had been narrowed at Luke mere moments ago, were open and inviting. Everything about him made Travis want to rush at his chest and be engulfed in his arms.

  “I need to talk to you.”

  Travis shook his head. “Not now.”

  Patrick’s gaze hardened. “Yes, now.”

  The authority in his tone made Travis’s cock stir. There was no cereal box to conceal himself, and he shifted and shuffled like a child desperate for a piss.

  “You only had two beers?”

  Travis nodded. “Just two.”

  Patrick had his back to the car and didn’t noticed Luke slowly widening the door. Amy and Luke were both waving their hands frantically, encouraging Travis to bolt and jump in the car.

  “What you said earlier…”

  Travis’s heart bounced against his ribs, and hot embarrassment flooded him. The hairs at the back of his neck stood to attention, and he couldn’t meet Patrick’s gaze, no matter how sincere he looked.

  “Can’t you just forget what I said.”

  “I can’t forget.”

  Travis dragged his gaze off the pavement and looked at the car. The escape. Luke and Amy’s hand movements were getting more frantic, and Travis responded and ran at the car.

  Patrick tried to grip his arm, but his momentum kept him going, and he dived onto the back seat.

  “Drive! Drive! Drive!” Luke shouted, and the taxi crawled away from the curb, with the door still open.

  Luke slammed the door shut, and the driver sped up. “Not heard of a fast getaway?”

  Amy gawped at Travis. “What the hell was that?”

  “I—I dunno.”

  When Travis righted himself, he looked out the back window, and saw Patrick standing on the path. He couldn’t see his expression, or his eyes, but his arms were folded again, bulging his massive muscles.

  “Seatbelts.” The driver demanded, and the three of them arranged themselves on the back seat. Amy in the middle, and Travis and Luke either side of her.

  “I think we should seriously consider moving.” Amy mumbled.

  Luke nodded. “No kidding, that guy is terrifying.”

  “Wh—what was he saying before I came out?” Travis asked.

  “Asked about us ‘looking out’ for each other. Having each other’s backs.”

  “Right…”

  “I said surely there’s more interesting things on the front, than the back, but he didn’t find it funny.”

  Amy elbowed Luke in the ribs. “It wasn’t funny.”

  “Then he asked where you were…” Luke mumbled.

  Travis nodded. “And you said?”

  “Inside, getting the condoms coz you were gonna pull big time tonight.”

  Amy swallowed audibly. “He didn’t find that funny either, looked like he wanted to punch you.”

  “Then you came out and did your best impression of a drunk.”

  “I dropped my keys, is that a crime?”

  “You were staggering about, scratching the lock, and looking all panicked. It looked more like you were trying to break in than go out.”

  “You were all staring at me.”

  Amy gripped his knee. “Are you absolutely sure nothing happened earlier when you went in his house? Did you see any incriminating documents?”

  “What the hell do incriminating documents look like?”

  Amy shrugged. “No idea.”

  “There must have been something,” Luke groaned.

  Travis opened his mouth, ready to tell all, but he couldn’t do it. He didn’t know why Patrick wanted to talk to him. Scenarios swirled in his head, Patrick telling him he was disgusting and should keep his fantasies to himself, Patrick laughing in his face, and shaking his head, and even worse than that, Patrick lowering his voice, and telling Travis it was fine, he was flattered, but he wasn’t interested.

  “I—I called him something I shouldn’t have.”

  Amy and Luke’s jaws dropped in unison, and their eyes looked dangerously close to falling out.

  “You … you called him something? Do you have a death wish?” Amy uttered.

  “It was an accident.”

  Luke shook his head. “You better get as much action as you can tonight, I got a feeling Patrick will have your balls for breakfast tomorrow.”

  “That’s not funny,” Amy snapped.

  Luke raised his hands. “That wasn’t a joke.”

  “Let’s just, let’s focus on tonight.” Travis mumbled.

  Amy nodded. “Good idea. I’m sure he’ll calm down by tomorrow.”


  “Hold up, hold up,” Luke said, pointing out the window.

  Travis squinted. “What?”

  “We’re passing the cemetery.”

  “Don’t say there’s a grave stone with my name on it.”

  Luke shook his head. “I wasn’t going to say that. I just meant you better restrain yourself, got some ancient daddies in there, but there’s laws against it.”

  Travis gritted his teeth and leaned across Amy to swipe Luke.

  “Not funny!”

  “Behave!” the driver huffed from the front, “or you’ll all be walking.”

  ****

  Travis stared at the neon flashing light of Golden Oldies. They waited in the queue and shuffled on the spot to keep warm.

  “So what do you think?” Amy asked.

  Every few minutes the door opened, and they were blasted by a different song, but that was Travis’s only impression of the club.

  “It seems like an okay place,” Travis muttered.

  Amy closed her eyes and laughed. She reopened them, and they crinkled with amusement. “I meant the queue. Anyone take your fancy?”

  The closest guys glanced over, and Travis hid his face in his hands. “Jesus, Amy, could you be any more embarrassing?”

  Luke patted his shoulder. “Sounds like a challenge for me. None of these handsome guys seem old enough. They aren’t grey-haired and wrinkled like a raisin.”

  Travis shoved Luke away, and turned his back on him and Amy as they giggled.

  The bouncer smiled warmly at him and unclipped the rope. “You can go in without them if you want.”

  “I’m tempted, I really am.” Travis said.

  Amy whined and stepped forward. “That’s no fair, we’re wingman and wing-woman, here to help him get laid.”

  “Actually, I will go in first.” Travis said, strolling forward.

  Luke yelled at Travis to wait, but he carried on inside the club anyway.

  Disco balls hung from the ceiling, the walls were decorated with vinyls, and the dance floor was a huge checkerboard. The place still smelled like drying paint and plaster, and Travis wriggled his nose. The music blared, and the floor shook with each thumping baseline.

  Travis walked over to the bar like he was on the deck of a boat in a rough sea and clutched the edge. The barman leaned over, and after several unidentifiable shouts, Travis paid for a brand of beer he didn’t ask for. He walked to a quieter area and perched on a stool. He had a good view of the door and watched for Amy and Luke’s arrival.