“I’m coming, too.” Harlee breaks into my thoughts, grabbing her jacket from the hook next to the door. “It’s not up for discussion.” She stops Gavin before he can object.
“What about your date?” I question, stepping into my boots before sliding my own jacket on.
“Date?” I can tell by the expression on Gavin’s face he doesn’t mean to say it out loud.
It’s clear Harlee can see that as well. She looks at him for a long moment before finally turning her attention back to me.
“I’ll text him in the car, it’s fine. No way I’m gonna let you go alone.”
“She’s not alone.” Gavin waits until we are both in the hall before pulling the door closed.
Ignoring his comment, Harlee links her arm through mine, clearly seeing that I need the additional support right now. I’m already a mess from the last couple of weeks, now to have Gavin show up so out of the blue and tell me Decklan is in some kind of trouble, my poor mind is having trouble keeping up.
We reach Gavin’s truck that’s parked just outside the dorm building in no time. Harlee insists that I ride in the middle so she doesn’t have to sit next to him. The tension between these two is off the charts. Even in my fog-like state, I can see it plain as day.
I wait until Gavin has pulled out of the parking lot and is speeding down the road before finally pinning my eyes on the side of his face.
“Now are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?” I ask, feeling like I might split apart from the anticipation of not knowing what he’s going to say or how it may or may not change the way I feel about Decklan.
It’s clear that whatever it is, it’s bad. Otherwise, Gavin wouldn’t be so hesitant to tell me, and Decklan wouldn’t have chosen to keep it from me for that matter.
My stomach flutters with nerves as Gavin opens his mouth and starts to speak. He gets only five words out before I stop hearing him. A rush of emotion hits me like a tidal wave, pulling me under its crippling weight, inhibiting my ability to hear, to breathe, to process the information I’m being presented with.
I never knew heartbreak until Decklan forced me out of his life. But now...now I know heartbreak beyond my own. Because right now my heart is breaking all over again, only this time, it’s breaking for Decklan, not because of him.
****
By the time we reach the cemetery the sun has almost set, a low orange glow now filling the evening sky. Gavin tells me where I can find Conner’s grave but says he thinks it’s best if he and Harlee hang back.
My heart is beating so loudly against my rib cage as I make my way through the cemetery, I swear even the dead can hear it.
I finally spot Decklan along the back row of grave sites, my feet faltering the moment I see him. He’s sitting on the ground, his knees pulled into his chest, his head down. It takes everything I have to force my legs to work, to make my body move towards him.
“Decklan?” I stop just a couple feet behind where’s he sitting in front of his brother’s headstone; Conner Roderick Taylor January, 3 1994-November 29, 2008 scrawled across the front in the perfect font.
Today’s date... November 29.
His shoulders tense the moment my weak voice registers, but he doesn’t turn to face me. Several long silent moments pass between us; him unable to speak, me too afraid to move any closer.
“What are you doing here?” When his voice finally filters through the silence, it’s broken and riddled with emotion. It would be enough to break my heart again if it wasn’t already splintered into a million different pieces.
“Gavin.” I know he doesn’t need any additional explanation. “He’s worried about you.”
“He doesn’t need to be.” His response is cold, distant.
“I’m worried about you,” I add.
“Please don’t.” I can hear the emotion clog his throat, and it takes everything I have to remain at a distance.
“Tell me what happened. Tell me about Conner.” I take a couple steps forward, stopping just a foot behind him.
“Tell me, Decklan,” I request softly when he makes no attempt to answer me.
“He was a great kid.” His voice breaks in the middle. “He was three years younger than me, only fourteen.” He stops abruptly, his shoulders trembling slightly.
“Keep going.” I slide down next to him, my eyes focused on the stone in front of us.
“He used to follow me everywhere.” He finally continues after a long moment. “He always had to tag along no matter what I was doing. I used to hate it.” He lets out an emotion filled laugh. “I remember just wishing he would leave me the hell alone.”
“Tell me what happened to him, Decklan.” I finally chance a peek in his direction, my stomach bottoming out the moment I register his flushed tear-stained face.
It’s one thing to see a man cry, it’s something else entirely to see a man like Decklan cry. Tears immediately form at the back of my eyes, and I blink rapidly trying to will them away.
He wipes at his cheeks with the back of his hands, his gaze remaining firmly in front of him. Every fiber of my being wants to wrap him in my arms and comfort him, but I refrain, knowing right now it would likely make things worse.
“I tried to get him to stay home. I told him he was too young for the type of shit that went on at Paxton’s parties, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I could never hold my ground with that kid.” He smiles, but it’s a painfully gut-wrenching combination of happiness over the memory of his brother and devastation over what he knows comes next.
“I was fucking with the radio. I should have seen the stop sign. I’d driven that road hundreds of times before, I knew it was there, yet somehow on that night, I ran straight through it. A truck approaching from the right hit the passenger side of my car going around fifty miles an hour according to the police report. I don’t remember it. I don’t remember anything. Just the crack of my head on the driver’s side window and the sound of shattering glass and crunching metal.” He takes a deep shaky breath, clearly trying to hold himself together.
“When I woke up there were people everywhere. Voices filtered all around me, but I only recognized one: my mother’s.” A pained sob escapes his throat, a fresh onset of tears falling down his cheeks.
“She was on her way home from work and came upon the accident. She recognized my car I guess. I don’t really know. All I remember is hearing her scream. It was loud. That’s when I knew.”
“I killed him, Kimber.” He turns his tear-filled bloodshot eyes on me, the pain behind them almost more than I can bear.
I don’t realize I’m crying too until he reaches over and gently brushes my cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. The gesture only makes me cry harder. Even in this very vulnerable moment, he’s still worried about taking care of me.
“You can’t blame yourself.” My words are weak and broken.
“But don’t you see, it’s my fault. It all could have been avoided. Conner is dead because of me.” He drops his hand away from my face, turning back towards his brother’s grave. “I have nothing left, nothing but his fading memory and the fucking headaches that refuse to let me forget what I’ve done.”
“I’m so fucking sorry,” he cries, dropping his head down as sobs rack through his entire body. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he repeats, rocking slightly back and forth as despair rips through him.
Before I even realize I’ve moved, I’m on my knees, wrapping my arms around his shoulders as I pull his head into my chest, my body rocking with his as I fight to comfort him. Resting my cheek on the top of his head, I hold him tightly, the feeling of his body trembling beneath mine the most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced.
I try to hold my own emotions in, to be strong for him, but feeling this man that I once viewed as unbreakable crumble beneath me is more than I can take. It rips me apart; a pain like I’ve never felt before.
This must be what it means to truly love someone; you take their pain as your own and you s
hare the burden.
“This isn’t your fault,” I finally manage to say after several long moments. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for this. Accidents happen every day, Decklan. Conner died, but that doesn’t mean you did. He would want you to live. Live your life for the both of you.” I loosen my grip, rocking back on my knees as I turn his face upwards to meet mine.
“I understand why you pushed me away. And it’s okay. I understand. But I also need to say something, and you’re going to listen to me.” I push his messy hair away from his face. “You are worthy of love, Decklan Taylor. You deserve it, even if you can’t see that yet. And I won’t give up on you. I will just have to love you for the both of us until you can find a way to love yourself as well.”
“I can’t.” He takes a deep breath, wiping at his cheeks.
“Yes, you can. You can forgive yourself. You will forgive yourself. And I will be here with you every step of the way.” I cup his face in my hands. “Because I love you that much.”
“I don’t deserve your love.” His bloodshot gray eyes hold my gaze.
“Yes you do,” I reassure him. “You deserve to be loved; you just have to let me do it. Nothing will bring Conner back.” I drop my hands away from his face, sinking down further to sit eye level with him on the ground. “But you can honor him every day by living the life he never got.”
“I don’t know how,” he admits.
“Then I’ll help you.” I give him a weak smile.
“I’m sorry... for everything.”
“Don’t.” I shake my head. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“I’m so in love with you that it terrifies me.” He reaches out, running his thumb along my bottom lip.
“I’m so in love with you that it terrifies me,” I repeat his statement back to him before leaning down and pressing my lips gently to his.
Chapter Twenty-four
Decklan
“I’m sorry,” I finally mutter the words I came all this way to say, looking up to find my mother’s tear-filled eyes staring back at me.
“Oh my dear boy, you have nothing to apologize for.” She reaches across the table, taking my hand in hers. “You are my son, and I love you.”
“I was just so angry. I didn’t understand how you could ever forgive me.”
“There was nothing to forgive. It was an accident and accidents happen. I was devastated over losing your brother, but never once did I blame you.” The kindness in her eyes is enough to fucking gut me right here.
All the shit I put her through, how awful of a son I’ve been since Conner’s death, I just don’t understand how she can so easily dismiss that behavior.
“I loved Conner, just as I love you and Trey,” she continues. “Losing him was like losing a part of myself, and I knew from that moment on I would never be the same. But that didn’t mean that my love for you changed. If anything, it became stronger.”
“I was so awful to you.”
“You were angry, and you were in pain. I understood that. I tried to make you see that I didn’t blame you, but you were so convinced I did that you only saw what you wanted to see. It killed me to watch you punish yourself, to withdraw and push everyone away. It was almost like I lost two sons that night.” She swipes at a stray tear that trickles slowly down her cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize again, not sure what else to say.
What else can I say after eight years?
“Do not apologize to me again.” She shakes her head, squeezing my hand. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I’m working on that.” I give her a soft smile.
“What’s her name?” Her lips turn up in a knowing grin. “What? You think your old mother doesn’t recognize a woman’s touch when I see one?” She laughs at the confused look on my face.
“Kimber.” The mere mention of her name brings a smile to my lips.
“So when do I get to meet her?”
****
Driving across town to pick Kimber up from work, I feel almost weightless. The heavy burden I have carried with me for so long lifting dramatically by making peace with my past and with my mom.
Nothing happens overnight, and I know that I will have good days and bad, but for the first time since I was a teenager, I feel something other than my pain and grief. I feel hope.
Pulling my bike off to the side of the road, I kill the engine and climb off, depositing my helmet onto the seat. I spot Kimber before I even make it across the street. She’s almost completely visible through the floor to ceiling glass wall that separates the outdoor patio from the indoor restaurant.
I stop just outside and watch her for a long moment; her blonde hair tied up in a messy knot, a few loose pieces falling around her face. She has to be the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes on.
She looks up from wiping off the table in front of her and catches my eyes, a huge smile stretching across her face. Holding up her index finger, she gestures to give her a minute before disappearing from view.
Within moments she reappears, pushing up on her tip toes to lay a kiss on my mouth the instant she reaches me.
“I missed you,” she speaks against my lips. “How’d it go?” She backs away, tangling her fingers with mine.
“Really well,” I admit, pulling her back to me. “Thank you.” I drop another brief kiss to her mouth before pulling back to meet her gaze.
“For what?” She smiles sweetly up at me, the action fucking melting me on the spot.
Fuck me. I’m a goner.
“For believing that I’m worth forgiving.” I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, my hand lingering against her cheek. “I love you.”
“And I love you.” She turns her face inward, kissing the palm of my hand.
“It’s a good thing too because you’re not getting rid of me.” I lean forward and kiss her forehead.
“Oh man.” She sighs out playfully. “I guess I’ll just have to find a way to deal with it.” She laughs when I abruptly squeeze her side.
“And I hope you’re free next Saturday because we’re meeting my mother for lunch,” I add on, watching her eyes widen. “She’s dying to meet you.”
“You told her about me?” She almost seems surprised by this.
“I did,” I confirm. “So Saturday?”
“I’ll be there.” She pushes up and presses her lips to mine again. “But first, you have to go somewhere with me.” She pulls back and hits me with excited eyes.
“Now?”
“Right now.” She laughs, grabbing my hand as she drags me towards my motorcycle.
****
Kimber
“Where are we?” Decklan asks as he climbs off his motorcycle and looks up at the large brick building in front of him.
“You’ll see.” I reach out to tangle my fingers with his. “Come on,” I say, leading him towards the front entrance.
“What is this place?” he asks, pulling open the door before following me inside.
“It’s the art lab,” I explain, leading him down the main corridor to the last door at the end of the hall. “It’s where I’ve been practically living this past couple of weeks.” I give him a sweet smile before pushing my way inside the lab room I’ve been working in.
He follows silently behind me through the large bright room, various pieces of half-finished art lining multiple easels and large sections of the walls. With final projects due next week, it’s a wonder there’s no one here tonight. Most nights that I’ve been here there have been several other students here as well.
I lead Decklan to the far corner of the room, most of my supplies still spread out on my workstation from last night.
“I finally finished my project.” I turn towards him, coming to a stop next the easel that is turned inward facing the wall.
“The self-portrait?” he asks, having heard me speak of it a few times before.
I nod. After everything that’s happened over the past few weeks, I thought maybe s
howing him this would reassure just how much he means to me.
“I want you to see it.” I give him a small smile before turning the easel to face him.
I don’t look at the painting; I already know what’s there. Instead, I study his reaction, the way his eyes scan the canvas, a slow smiling pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“Wow.” The word is barely a whisper as his gaze meets mine.
“It’s us,” I say, for the first time turning to face the painting.
The scattered colors and lines came together more perfectly than I envisioned, but I guess that’s what happens when you paint with your heart instead of your head. My smile widens as I stare back at my creation; two faces blended as one. One side is my face, the other Decklan’s, the background swirled with the most brilliant reds.
“I realized the reason I couldn’t paint a portrait of how I viewed myself was because I didn’t truly know myself. At least not until I met you. You not only showed me who I am, you became a part of me.” I flick my eyes back towards him.
“It’s incredible.” He reaches for me, pulling me into his arms. “You’re incredible.” He breathes, dropping his mouth to mine. “And I’m never going to let you go again.” He pulls back, his face hovering just inches from mine.
“Good, because I never want you to.” I push up, wrapping my arms around his neck as I press my lips once again to his.
Falling in love with a man like Decklan Taylor wasn’t just crazy, it was downright stupid, but I know with complete certainty that I wouldn’t change it for anything. Because no matter how crazy or how stupid it is, at the end of the day it’s love.
It’s our love.
Crazy, stupid, incredible, life-altering love.
The End
Want more crazy love?
Make sure to check out Gavin’s story, and find out what’s next for Decklan and Kimber, in the second standalone novel in the
Crazy Love Series:
Crazy Stupid Obsession
Releasing July 12th 2016
NOW AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER
Crazy Stupid Love (Crazy Love #1) Page 19
