365 Days

by KE Payne

  Friday 23 February

  Last day at school before half term!! I’m glad—I think I need a week away from this place ’cos it means a week away from J as well. It’s getting on top of me, all this unrequited love. I’m even going off my food a bit: I turned down the chance of an extra helping of potato last night, which was sacrilege.

  Played hockey in PE class. God, I hate hockey! I mean, what’s the point of it? Hasn’t Miss Robinson figured out yet that the only reason I always asked to play left back is because all I have to do is stand in front of goal and not do anything? That plus the fact it means I can watch Emily Wilson’s arse wiggle while she runs down the left wing.

  Saturday 24 February

  Got a text off Ems first thing this morning telling me that Ben had told Ryan he was thinking of dumping me. Ems said I had to ring Ben straight away ’cos apparently he thinks I don’t like him and he thinks he’s wasting his time on me. I have to say I agree. I switched my phone off and went back to sleep.

  When I woke up again, I switched my phone back on and Alice had left me a message asking if I wanted to go for a walk with Barbara. I rang her back and made up an excuse, telling her that Ben had dumped me and I didn’t feel like going out. OMG! She started going on and on about coming over to comfort me and how she would help me get over it, but I told her I had a headache and wanted to stay in bed. The truth was I felt fine. I just didn’t want to see her. I’m such a cow!

  Moped around the house all morning, thinking about Ben and thinking that I should make the effort to contact him, make him think I didn’t want him to dump me, but I just couldn’t be arsed, which kinda tells me that I couldn’t care less whether he dumps me or not. Watched a bit of MTV but even the sight of the Pussycat Dolls jiggling their bits about on the screen got on my nerves, so I logged on and looked at some silly clips on YouTube of dogs on skateboards, which made me feel a bit better.

  Tonight watched TV with Mum and Dad. HRBH went out clubbing, so no doubt she’ll crash into the house at 3 a.m. reeking of cheap beer as usual.

  Sunday 25 February

  Was awakened at 4:45 a.m. (!!) by the sound of HRBH retching in the toilet. It’s so unladylike! How can she be so sanctimonious and tell me I’ll never be a lady just ’cos I like wearing jeans and sweatshirts, then wake up the household heaving up the (liquid) contents of her stomach at some ungodly hour?

  Was pleased to see she got NO sympathy from Mum when she eventually dragged herself out of bed at 3 p.m. Mum shoved a can of Coke in her hand and told her to take herself off for a bracing walk over the fields, ’cos she said HRBH smelt like a brewery and it was putting her off her crossword.

  Monday 26 February

  Went into town with Mum this morning to buy a birthday present for Dad. Why are men so hard to buy for? What is in the shops that’s of any interest to men? Ended up buying him a pair of socks (yawn) and a CD of some old singer called String who apparently used to be a policeman or something way back in the 80s. Let’s hope he likes it; if not, it’s being eBayed!!

  Tuesday 27 February

  Had arranged to meet Alice in town today but she called it off ’cos she had a migraine. Decided to go in anyway, ’cos there was nothing else to do all day. Was rummaging through the DVDs in HMV when I spied J wrapped round some bloke who I can only assume is her boyfriend. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan he’s ugly!!!!!!!! He looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down. Oh, J, you could have done so much better than that (me!). Funnily enough, I felt a bit better for seeing him. It’s kinda jolted me into reality and I feel…I dunno…different now.

  It’s good. No, it really is.

  Wednesday 28 February

  Met Ems, Caroline, and Hannah in town and went for a coffee in Starbucks ’cos Matty works there during the holidays. Matty sneaked us all a free muffin with our coffees—result!!

  Ems left after about half an hour to meet Ryan [/rolls eyes/] and then Caroline got a call on her mobile from another friend asking her to meet at McD’s so was left with Hannah. I’ve never really spoken to her properly before, ’cos I’ve only really seen her in lessons or with all the other gang at lunchtimes, so the conversation was a bit stilted to start with, but then we got talking and she’s really funny! She was in full Goth mode; I’ve only ever seen her at school where she’s got to be restrained so it was a bit of a shock seeing her in full ‘gear’. She had loads of black eye makeup on which really showed off her eyes (she has very nice brown eyes), and she was wearing black lippy and black nail varnish!! She had this ultra-cool skin-tight pair of trousers on with zips all over them, and a pair of fuck-off biker boots. I have to say, she looked really cool. I felt quite dowdy in my jeans and fleece but she didn’t say anything about it.

  I asked her why she wanted to be a Goth--—sorry, EMO—and she said it was ’cos she likes the look. She said she likes wearing all the black, and all the choke chains and all, and she said it was good ’cos she doesn’t have to wash her hair as much as other girls ’cos it would spoil the whole look. She told me that EMOs are supposed to be depressives and obsessed with self-harming, but she said she had really nice skin and didn’t see the point in spoiling it just to make a statement, and she said although she could do a good line in sullenness now and again, she wasn’t generally as gloomy as most EMOs ’cos she had a naturally sunny nature and she thought life was too short to go around with a long face all the time.

  I sat and listened to her and wondered if it was all worth it, this EMO lark. Her black hair and all her black makeup looks wicked, and she has some nice scarves and all, but I don’t think being an EMO would be for me. All that talk of death and dying would get me down. Anyway, we sat and chatted about EMOs and loads of other stuff until about 5ish when we both had to get off home. I walked home feeling really happy for some reason!

  Thursday 1 March

  Went bowling at the Multi-Plex with the gang and it was a blast! I was mucking about as usual (ever the clown) and even Ryan (the miserable bugger) laughed at me. I don’t like Ryan, I dunno why. He’s a posturing little twerp but he’s got no reason to posture. He’s no looker, that’s for sure. He’s short and I’m sure he’s losing his hair, even though he’s only seventeen! And he’s got funny-looking legs from all the football he plays; talk about bowed legs! Couldn’t stop a pig in a passage, that one.

  Felt a bit left out ’cos everyone turned up with their boyfriends except me (Ben couldn’t come, even though he hasn’t officially dumped me yet). I wished Alice could have come, ’cos she doesn’t have a boyfriend, but she’s still ill with her migraine. Hannah turned up with her bloke, some lad called Dan, apparently, but he seemed to spend the whole afternoon talking to a group of girls who were playing the alley next to us. Poor Hannah!

  I caught her looking at me again and I wondered if she thought I was a bit of a show-off ’cos I was larking about, but she was laughing along with all the others so maybe I was just being paranoid as usual.

  Friday 2 March

  Got my long-awaited dump text from Ben and, dear diary, I didn’t care less! He said that he really liked me but he thought I didn’t feel the same and something else along the lines of life was too short to wait around when there were other girls interested in him. What a cock! I texted him back and said that he was right, that I didn’t feel the same way about it, but thanked him for the few dates we went out on anyway. He didn’t reply.

  Everyone made the usual sympathetic noises when I texted them and told them me and Ben weren’t going out with each other anymore. They kept asking me if I was all right and I kept telling them I was, and they kept telling me there were plenty more fish in the sea and stuff like that. Then Matty texted me and asked me if I minded if she went out with him ’cos she really fancied him!! The strange thing is I really don’t mind!

  Saturday 3 March

  We all met up in town again today for our last Saturday of freedom before school starts again on Monday. I was glad that J didn’t come ’cos I�
�ve come to the conclusion that the less I see her, the more I’m going to get over her. It’s never going to happen (me and her) so it’s best all round if I try to forget her. Try telling my heart that, though!

  Dad’s birthday today. He accepted his presents with a complete lack of enthusiasm and only a glimmer of anything resembling gratitude, which means he’s probably pissed off at being old (43) and probably wanted something other than what I bought him. Next year he’s just getting the socks.

  Sunday 4 March

  Me and Alice went out for a walk with Barbara over the fields. Alice has kinda adopted Barbara, as her parents don’t like dogs. It feels sometimes like Alice’s parents don’t like a lot of things, and I feel a bit sorry for her ’cos everything she asks for, her parents tell her no. I think Alice needs to stand up to them a bit more sometimes; she’s dead nice and all but she can be a bit…wet, really. Sometimes I just want to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to toughen up. Maybe I’m just hard, I dunno.

  Alice asked me about Ben and whether I was upset that we weren’t seeing each other anymore. I told her I was fine about it, and she said she was pleased I wasn’t going out with him any more ’cos she thought he wasn’t good enough for me! That was a turn-up for the books ’cos everyone else had been banging on to me about what a catch he was! I asked Alice what she meant and she just said, ‘You deserve better than him,’ and touched my hand, which made me feel a bit embarrassed. I was a bit taken aback by a rare show of affection by her (she’s usually as quiet as a guy in a lingerie department), but it’s nice that she looks out for me, I suppose.

  Monday 5 March

  Back to school (groaaaaaaan). We got told in History today that we have to choose a topic to do with all this Cold War stuff we’ve been studying and do a presentation on it. It all contributes towards our final exam mark apparently, which means I’m actually going to have to do some proper work. We’ve got to choose someone to do the project with, and we’ve got three weeks to write an essay on it, then we’ve both got to present it to the rest of the class. I’m shitting myself. I hate doing presentations ’cos I’m shy at standing up and talking to a group of people. Anyway, Hannah chose to do her presentation with me (she must be mad!), and we had a choice of subjects from:

  The Vietnam War (don’t even know where Vietnam is, let alone what happened there!)

  The Korean War (they eat dogs in Korea, don’t they?)

  The Space Race (eh??)

  The Cuban Missile Crisis (Cuba’s famous for cigars, isn’t it? Not missiles!)

  The Collapse of the Berlin Wall (couldn’t have been very sturdy.)

  Hannah chose the Cuban Missile Crisis, ’cos she said her dad would be old enough to remember it. Apparently it was, like, way back long ago in the 1960s, so I should be able to find something on the school computer library archives on it. Wonder if there are any veterans of the Crisis still alive that we could e-mail?

  Me and Hannah are meeting up at lunchtime to start drawing up a plan. Hannah said it was better to start sooner rather than later…she’s keen!

  Tuesday 6 March

  Met Hannah at lunchtime again today to discuss the presentation but we barely talked about it. Hannah asked me to tell her about myself; she said I didn’t really ever say much when we’re all having lunch together (too busy mucking about, probably) and that she wanted to know a bit about me. So I said, ‘I’m lazy and lactose intolerant,’ which made her laugh (even if it’s not true—well, the second bit anyway.) I told her about where I lived, and about Mum and Dad, and HRBH and about our menagerie (dog/cat/rabbit) at home, then she told me that she lived with her mum and dad and her two brothers, Joe (eleven) and Dan (eighteen), who she said I met at bowling the other night. So that Dan lad was her brother!!! No wonder he wasn’t paying much attention to her!

  I’ve come to the conclusion that I like Hannah. We’ve got the same sense of humour and I can see us being good friends. She’s kinda nice-looking too, and I had a brief ‘coo, you’re cute’ moment but then felt guilty for betraying J.

  Wednesday 7 March

  We had cross-country running in PE today. I ask you! What IS the point of getting 30 big-chested girls to lumber round a freezing-cold hockey pitch, shouting at them to ‘keep it up, girls’? It was dead cold and I kept getting a wedgie from my sodding gym shorts, so me, Alice, and Marcie snuck off to our usual hiding place behind one of the hedges and stayed there while Marcie had a smoke. She says it clears her head (but not her lungs) and makes her more able to cope with Miss Robinson’s raucous hollering.

  Thursday 8 March

  Heard today from Marcie that Matty’s going out with Ben. He didn’t hang about, did he??

  Got told off in English literature today by Mr. Harman. He said he appreciated that the poem that Lucy Freeman was reading was rather dreamy, but if I could concentrate on that rather than daydreaming about whoever my latest ‘squeeze’ (eh??) might be, he’d be grateful. I was daydreaming, it’s true, but rather than dreaming about my latest ‘squeeze’ (chance would be a fine thing!) I was thinking about how marvellous it was the way J filled her bra. Shows what you know, Harman!

  Friday 9 March

  Caroline’s having a party tonight ’cos it’s her seventeenth birthday. I got her a soft dog plushie, which looks a bit like her dog, Pippin. She was very pleased with it. She’s having a party at her house later; she lives with her dad ’cos her mum left them to go and live with a forklift truck driver in Liverpool when Caroline was ten. Her dad’s going out tonight and has given her the run of the house! He’s mad! My parents would never let me have a party at home, ’cos my dad would be worried that his precious CD collection would get trashed (probably would) and that various teenagers would be sick in his garden pond (definitely would). Anyway, it’s going to be a late one, I think, so I’m doing my usual and writing this up now (5 p.m.) so that I can hide you away, dear diary, in case you fall into the hands of some evil ne’er do well (HRBH).

  Saturday 10 March

  Well, last night was a disaster! It started off okay, and I was having a laugh with all the gang and really enjoying myself. Everyone had turned up with boyfriends; Matty turned up with Ben, which was a bit awkward at first. He was all over her like a rash—all I kept thinking about was what an escape I’d made!!

  J of course turned up with the awful Garrrrrrreth. I thought I was okay seeing them together, ’cos I kept telling myself I was okay about her, that I was over her and that she’s just a friend etc., etc., etc. I was doing really well for about an hour and a half, but then I saw them kissing in the conservatory and I burst into tears!! It was soooooooo embarrassing! I couldn’t help it. So I ran out of the house crying and sat in the garden, in the freezing cold, with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop. So much for me being over her, huh? Anyway, Hannah and Alice came out to find me, and asked what was wrong, but what could I say? So I just blubbed and snuffled and snorted like some petulant toddler and said I wasn’t feeling well. Alice started to say she’d walk me back home, but then Hannah stepped in and said she’d take me instead. She put her arm around me, kinda protectively. I didn’t want to spoil Hannah’s evening, but she said in a determined tone that she’d rather make sure I was okay. I was glad, actually, ’cos I didn’t want to stay there a second longer. Alice looked a bit pissed off that Hannah said she’d walk me back after Alice had already offered, and I heard her mutter some comment about being capable of taking me herself ’cos she was my friend too. She was probably pissed off at me as well for accepting Hannah’s offer and not hers, but I felt so crap that I didn’t really give a shit.

  So Hannah walked me home, which was really sweet of her. As we were walking back, I so wanted to tell her what was wrong with me, tell her all about J and how I feel about J and how confused I am about everything, but I just couldn’t. How would anyone possibly understand what I’m going through?

  Anyway, Hannah walked me right to my house; when Dad answered the door he looked a bit worri
ed, but I just told him I was feeling ill and wanted to go to bed. He drove Hannah home, which was nice of him, while I crawled off up to my room, crept into my bed, and pulled the duvet over my head, waiting for sleep to take me.

  Sunday 11 March

  Cried myself to sleep last night, so woke up with eyes looking like two holes in a blanket. Alice texted me first thing to ask if I was okay, then other people texted me throughout the day asking the same thing. My answer was the same to all of them—I’m fine, ta. But I’m far from fine.

  I’ve fancied J for aaaages, and last night’s episode has pretty much confirmed that I’m madly in love with her now, and that’s hit me almost as hard as the realisation that I must be gay. I don’t know why it should have come as such a surprise to me when I consider everything that’s happened to me over the last six months or so, though! It all makes sense—why I wasn’t bothered about going out with Ben, why I wasn’t bothered that he dumped me, and why I’m not bothered in the slightest that he’s going out with Matty. I suppose I only went out with him because it was expected of me, like I just felt like I ought to show willing and at least try to have a relationship with a boy, even though I didn’t want to.