by KE Payne
Thursday 29 March
SUCH a boring day at school! My day wasn’t made much better when I got in tonight to be confronted by Mum and Dad having an argument about peas, so I took myself off to my room. I texted Matty and told her about my stupid parents arguing over a pack of frozen bloody petits pois and then we had this silly texty conversation about Lost.
Friday 30 March
Thank Goddddddddd it’s Friday! Aaaaaaand it’s the last day of term, aaaaaaand it was Jeans for Genes day today which meant we could wear whatever we wanted, so long as it involved wearing jeans, of course. Get in!!
I wore my sweatshirt and jeans and Airwalks, and I think I looked okay. Other girls wore skinny jeans and off-the-shoulder tops and their ridiculous itty-bitty pumps, but that look just ain’t for me! I can’t imagine me wearing skimpy pumps, certainly not the way I stomp around all the time.
Alice wore her amazing over-sized jumper and a pair of skinny jeans. Hannah came dressed all in black and looked h-o-t, I do have to say! All the other girls were crowding round her, oohing and ahhing over her clothes and accessories: she was wearing a huge silver bangle on one wrist and a black sweatband on the other. She had her hair all gathered up in a black band and these wicked leather things round her neck!
She also had a whopping great skull (!!!!!) ring on one hand, and a Celtic band on the other. If that wasn’t cool enough, she also had her fake lip ring in, which Mrs. Russell (boo-hiss) promptly spotted and told her to remove, even though it was bloody fake!
Wow! I was pleased to see that she was wearing a hooded top too, although hers was black and mine was purple. Ah, well…you can’t have everything.
Saturday 31 March
I think I fancy Hannah. I mean, why else would I have spent all of last night thinking about how fit she looked yesterday in all her Goth—sorry, EMO—gear? It’s like, I was looking at her at school yesterday and I suddenly noticed how nice her eyes are, and that she has dimples; then I realised that her dimples make my tummy go funny when she smiles and you can see them.
I went to bed thinking about her and woke up this morning still thinking about her, just like I do with J, and now I kinda wish it wasn’t the Easter holidays coming up ’cos I know I won’t see her very much.
And I want to see her, like, all the time.
Sunday 1 April
Dad came rushing into my room at eight this morning to tell me it was snowing. I rolled over and mumbled, ‘Good April Fool, Pa,’ from deep beneath my duvet. He looked a little deflated. I’m sixteen (nearly seventeen!!), Pa! I think I’m a little too old for April Fools now.
Caroline texted me later this morning and told me that she’d seen Brad Pitt shopping for nappies in town, ha ha ha!!
I lay in bed before breakfast thinking that because I fancy Hannah as well as J, then I definitely have to be gay, right? I mean, how can I fancy two different girls and not fancy boys in the slightest, and not be, like, totally queer? So after everyone had got all their dumb April Fool jokes out of the way this morning, I decided to look up the definition of the word ‘lesbian’ in mum’s dictionary, just to satisfy my own curiosity, and it just said, ‘a woman who is sexually attracted to other women’.
That’d be it, then.
Mum came in while I was reading it and saw that the page was open on all the L words, and she asked me what word I was looking for. Once an English teacher, always an English teacher, huh?!
I told her (quick as a flash, like) that I was looking up the word leprechaun, and she rolled her eyes and said that, at sixteen, I should know what a bloody leprechaun was. She left the room muttering something about grammar school education being wasted on me. I didn’t care. I was just pleased at my lightning-fast reactions!
So, I am a lesbian (not a leprechaun, thank God). It’s got a name. I like that. Makes it, I dunno, somehow more manageable.
Monday 2 April
Hannah texted me first thing and asked me if I wanted to go over to her house today. I’d already promised Alice that I’d meet her, but I was sure she wouldn’t mind if Hannah came too. I REALLY wanted to see Hannah so I texted her straight back and asked if she wanted to meet both me and Alice in town, but she didn’t.
Met Alice outside the Virgin Megastore in town and we went for coffee in Starbucks. I kinda wanted to talk to Alice about everything I’m going through at the moment but I chickened out. Anyway, as I was sitting sipping my latte in Starbucks, I glanced out the window and saw J, with Garrrrrrrreth. So they’re back together! I watched them and didn’t feel the awful stab of jealousy that I thought I would feel! It suddenly struck me that because I’ve recently been thinking so much about Hannah at the moment, I haven’t been giving much thought to J. It’s a relief actually. All this worry is beginning to bring me out in zits.
When I got home from town with Alice, I logged onto MSN, hoping that Hannah might be there, ’cos I fancied a chat. She wasn’t there, just Marcie, so we chatted for a bit till I got bored, then I made an excuse and logged off.
Tuesday 3 April
Me, Mum, Dad, and HRBH all went down to the coast for the day to go and visit Great Aunt Kathleen. She embraced me, then HRBH in her usual vice-like grip and marvelled at how big we’d grown. (Well, I am nearly seventeen—I’d expect to be growing fast—durrr!)
We sat and chatted, and Great Aunt Kathleen got the sherry out and tried to foist it on us all, but ended up drinking most of it herself. When it looked like she was about to nod off, Dad made his excuses and said we had to get going so that we could get home in the light. She gave me, then HRBH a whiskery kiss, pressed a pound coin into each of our hands, told us not to spend it all at once, and off we went.
Dad drove us down into the town and we sat on the seafront, eating chips and fending off the seagulls until it was dark, then we drove home. Got back around 1 a.m., knackered, so nighty-night!
Wednesday 4 April
Went into town with Mum today, so that I could look out for some new clothes for me. Everything I saw was either too old for me, or too expensive. So that leaves me with not much choice! Saw some well funky stuff that I could imagine Hannah would wear and that got me thinking about her again. I felt too shy to look at all this funky gear properly, though, ’cos I had Mum with me and I knew she’d make comments about how inappropriate it was—like bloody mothers do.
Checked my e-mails when I got home and saw that I’d had another strange one from this lovesickpuppy person! This time it said, ‘Ur driving me crazeeee.’ Should I reply to it? I’m not sure what to do; I want to reply and tell this person that whoever they think they’re e-mailing, it’s the wrong person, but for all I know it could be from some Texan called Brad who’s been on Death Row for the last 20 years for hacking his li’l momma’s head off with a blunt knife. Perhaps I’ll just leave it for now and hope whoever it is realises they’ve got the wrong e-mail address.
Thursday 5 April
Hannah texted me late last night to say good night, which I thought was really nice.
I thought about her again tonight before I went to sleep. About the way she looks, the way she dresses—and I was replaying our previous conversations in my head, remembering the bits that I said that had made her laugh. Then I thought about how cute she looks when she laughs.
I really, like, reaaaaaaaaally fancy her! Weirdly, it feels just like when I fell for J; I saw this girl walking down the corridor, laughing with her friends, she caught my eye as she passed me and…whoomph! That was it. I was hooked—and it seemed she was suddenly in my head 24/7.
I used to lie in bed thinking about J, reminding myself of every little incident that might have happened with her during the day—and feeling ever such a little bit cheated if I didn’t see her on any particular day.
Friday 6 April
I’d made arrangements to go to town with Mum today, but Hannah rang me first thing and asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee with her. I debated whether I should say no, but I found myself agreeing to meet her in tow
n at eleven, despite thinking (in my current frame of mind) that it might not be a good idea. I’m ashamed to admit, dear diary, that I found myself hideously excited at the thought of seeing her.
Anyway, we met up outside Starbucks and my tummy lurched when I saw her. I felt dead thrilled to see her. We had a really nice couple of hours just sitting and talking over coffee, and when it was time to for me to come home, I felt ridiculously happy—happier than I’ve felt for weeks, actually.
I decided I wanted to search for ‘lesbian’ on Google when I got in, just to see if it directed me to any websites that could give me some advice, help me out, that sort of thing, but Google just gave me links to a load of websites with pictures of large-breasted ladies that, like, TOTALLY freaked me out, so I logged off and went downstairs again. Had to excuse myself halfway through the news and went back upstairs to delete the browsing history on my computer in case someone (HRBH) hacked into it and discovered what I’d been looking at.
I gave it one more go while I was back online, and tried to find a definition of the word ‘gay’ instead. It gave a few, but the ones that struck me were these:
Gay (n): homosexual
Gay (n): happy.
I thought that was dead deep and would be a well good pick-me-up for whenever I’m getting stressed about it all, so I’ve written the two words down in the back of you, dear diary, and I’ll sneak a peek at them and think about stuff whenever I’m ever feeling down.
Saturday 7 April
Up at eight today ’cos we went off down to Aunty Alison and Uncle David’s house for Easter. When we got there, Aunty Alison was waiting in the doorway and she squealed with excitement at seeing us again. She hugged me rather too tightly and told me I’d grown so much since the last time she’d seen me. Why do adults always say that? I bet even when I’m 35 and 6ft tall in my socks, she’ll be telling me how much I’ve grown!
After lunch we all walked down to the beach and watched as Barbara ran in and out of the sea, barking. My dad grumbled something about mucky wet dog paws but Mum shot him one of her special looks and he soon shut up and wandered off on his own to look at some rock pools.
Hannah sent me a text and asked me if I wanted to meet up with her tonight! I texted her back and told her I was down South on holiday. She sent me one back saying ‘Oh! U never said’, which I thought was a bit strange. To be honest, it had never occurred to me to tell her I was going away. So I texted her back and said more or less that I hadn’t thought to tell her. It’s now 11:30 p.m. and she hasn’t replied yet.
Sunday 8 April
Easter Sunday! Went for a really long walk with HRBH, Barbara, and Uncle David. We went across the fields at the back of the house, along the cliff path and down to the beach. It took us two and a half hours and I was shattered by the end of it—though not as shattered as Barbara was!
Met up with Mum, Dad, and Aunty Alison in the pub afterwards and had an enormous Sunday lunch. When we got back, Aunty Alison gave me and HRBH an Easter egg each, which was nice of her. It was more than Mum and Dad gave us, anyway! They stopped giving us Easter eggs when we were about ten, saying Easter had become too commercialised. Sometimes I think my parents have no fun left in them at all.
Checked my phone on and off all day for a message from Hannah, but there was nothing.
Monday 9 April
Went over to Aunty Kate’s house for lunch. My bloody mother insisted I wear a skirt, and no amount of grumbling from me would make her change her mind. I don’t know why she does this! Whenever we go to see Aunty Kate, we have to dress up and be on our best behaviour. I’m sure this is only because Aunty Kate lives in a bungalow and votes Conservative. Aunty Kate talks like she has a plum in her mouth, and always gets her best china out when we go to visit, which always makes Mum shake.
When we got there, sure enough, Aunty Kate had laid out salmon and cucumber sandwiches, a tea tray, and a plate of shortbreads. Dad whispered to me that he wished he’d put on his suit ’cos he said he felt like he was having tea with the Queen, which made me giggle. Thankfully Aunty Kate had put out mugs for me and HRBH (she said she didn’t trust the ‘children’ with her finest bone china. Children??) and Mum looked very relieved.
We talked about school and work, and then me and HRBH got asked (as we always do) whether we had boyfriends, so I shuffled nervously in my chair while Mum told her that ‘Clem was seeing a nice boy for a while, but they’re not seeing each other anymore’. Aunty Kate looked sympathetically at me and sighed and tutted, causing her false teeth to make a funny noise. I could feel a fit of the giggles coming on, so excused myself and went to the toilet where I had another fit of the giggles at the sight of the blancmange-pink crocheted doll which Aunty Kate had used to cover up her toilet rolls. Imagine if that doll ever got together with a boy doll—he’d have such a surprise when he lifted up her skirt!
Kept checking my phone for messages from Hannah, but still nothing. HRBH asked me why I kept looking at my phone but I just glared and told her to butt out.
Why hasn’t Hannah texted me? Is there anything in this world more infuriating than a textless phone??!!
Tuesday 10 April
Didn’t do much ’cos it rained all day. Sat in and watched Mary Poppins on TV, then had fish and chips for tea. Thought Julie Andrews was fit. Does that make me kinky?
The rain stopped later in the afternoon, so HRBH dragged me and Barbara off for a walk down to the beach where we sat on some rocks until it got dark. I sat and looked up at the moon, which was shining really brightly in the sky, and found myself wondering whether Hannah was able to see the moon too, wherever she might be.
Still no text. Aaaaargghhh!!
Wednesday 11 April
Had a text off Hannah asking me if I was having a good time!! At last!! I texted her back straight away and told her about Aunty Kate’s crocheted dolly and it made her laugh. I told her we were coming home tomorrow and she said she was looking forward to seeing me again.
It’s been quite good being away from home and being busy ’cos I haven’t thought about Hannah for a few days now, but exchanging texts with her has reminded me of her so I went to bed thinking about her again.
Thursday 12 April
Really nice out today, so we went to a pub for lunch that Uncle David recommended, and which he said was about 20 minutes from his house. Maybe it’s 20 minutes the speed he drives, but Dad drives like an asthmatic cart-horse so we arrived 50 minutes after we set off, all starving hungry and a bit grumpy, to find Aunty Alison and Uncle David ensconced in the pub looking cheerful and asking Dad what had taken him so long.
Went up to the bar with Dad to buy drinks and he muttered at me that he wanted to go home. He can be so humourless sometimes!
Friday 13 April
Home again!
Left Aunty Alison and Uncle David’s at around 11 a.m. Uncle David gave me and HRBH £10 each! I’ve always liked Uncle David.
Got home around 2 p.m. after stopping off for lunch at some crappy motorway café. Mum immediately started making noises about the amount of washing she had to do, so I took myself off upstairs and thought about ringing Hannah to tell her I was home. I sat on my bed looking at my phone for ages, wondering if I should call her; I finally made the decision, rang her…and her phone was off! Felt at a bit of a loose end, so rang Alice and asked her if I could come over. She sounded pleased to hear from me and said I could come over straight away.
Anyway, we went out for a walk along the disused railway line at the back of her house. It was nice, but I found myself kinda wishing that Hannah had answered her phone, and that I was out walking with her, not Alice.
Saturday 14 April
Tried Hannah’s phone again today but it was still off. I felt really disappointed when it went straight through to voicemail, ’cos I’d psyched myself up to talk to her again and I could practically already hear her voice in my head as I was dialling her number. I like to think about the sound of her voice ’cos then I can picture her
in my head and I really like the feeling it gives me.
Okay, so why’s she not answering? I really wanna talk to her, just wanna hear her voice.
Sunday 15 April
Hannah’s phone still off. Haven’t heard a word from her since Wednesday. I hope I haven’t pissed her off or anything. I wondered whether either Ems or Caroline or maybe even Matty might have her home number, but I didn’t want them to ask me why I was so keen to get through to Hannah. Maybe they wouldn’t think anything of it, but I don’t want to take that chance!
I miss her.
Monday 16 April
Hannah rang me this morning! I tried to sound really laid-back but inside I was jumping with joy! I mentioned (casually, like) that I’d been trying to call her and she told me her phone had broken, that she’d just been out to buy a new one, and that she was testing it out on me to make sure it worked okay!! All that worry for nothing! Sometimes I think I’ll be grey by the time I’m 20 with all the worrying I do.
