by KE Payne
Sunday 12 August
Got a text from Han this morning saying she was going to wash her hair ’cos it was driving her potty. Rang her later and she told me it took her and her mum over an hour to wash it and disentangle it. She said it took a further 20 minutes to fish all the hairs out of the sink afterwards! Poor Han!
I can’t say I’m sorry, though. It was getting a bit smelly, and her constantly scratching her head was beginning to make me itch too!
Monday 13 August
Going to France tomorrow! We’re catching the early ferry across and have to leave at some ridiculous time in the morning, so Alice came and stayed the night. I managed to get over to Han’s this afternoon for about an hour so I could say good-bye to her. She started crying! You have no idea how strange it is to see a Goth (EMO) cry; her eyeliner ran down her cheeks and made her look like Alice Cooper.
I said, ‘You’re a Goth—you’re supposed to be black to the core!’ and she said, ‘Shut your face,’ (which was charming) and then ‘I’m an EMO as well, you know! We’re emotional. We’re allowed to blub, especially when we’re not going to see our girlfriends for sodding ages,’ and forced a half-smile. I was touched.
We exchanged rings so we can have something to remind ourselves of each other, so I have her well funky skull ring, while she’s got my Bali ring that she gave me for my birthday. I promised her I’d look at the skull every night and think of her.
It’s now 10 p.m. (I’m writing this up while Alice cleans her teeth) and I miss her dreadfully already (Han, not Alice). How on earth am I going to manage for the next few weeks?
Was a bit disappointed we didn’t manage to do it, but perhaps it’s for the best, bearing in mind I’ll be going without it for bloody ages anyway!
Tuesday 14 August
In France.
Didn’t get off to sleep till gone 1 a.m., ’cos Alice was chattering away half the flipping night. You’d have thought she would have taken the hint when I stopped replying to her but noooooo! She blabbed on and on about nothing in particular until her words got few and far between and I figured she’d dropped off at long bloody last.
Dad banged on the door at 4 a.m. to tell us to get up, so I’ve had three hours of sodding sleep and my eyes look like two piss-holes in the snow!
Very grumpy, very tired, so will write up more tomorrow.
Wednesday 15 August
Well, the campsite we’re staying in is very nice! We’re staying in this mobile home thing that’s got everything we need in it. It’s got a really nice wooden veranda type thing attached to it, which Dad said would be nice to eat our meals out on. Poor Mum! I think she was hoping to be taken out every night.
Me and Alice had an explore round the site; we went into the toilet block and I was pleased to see it wasn’t just a hole in the ground (well, you read about such gross things). The only thing that’s off-putting is that the shower blocks are unisex, so I’m very glad we have a shower in our mobile home ’cos I don’t relish the idea of having to do my beauty regime (ha ha) pressed up next to some hairy man standing there tugging at his bits and pieces. I pity those poor people who are camping here.
Am dismayed to discover that texts to England cost 50p each (!!!!!) so have only been able to text Han five times today. I hope France sells top-up cards!
Thursday 16 August
Went to the site shop and bought Han a postcard this morning. Don’t actually have anything to write on it yet, so will keep it safe until I do.
We went to the beach today ’cos it was, like, 100 degrees! The sea was bloody cold, though. I thought it would be the Mediterranean, but Dad says it’s the Atlantic Ocean!! An ocean??!! I don’t want to swim in an ocean! I want to swim in a nice, calm, warm SEA. Dipped a toe and thought I’d get cramp if I went in further, so came back to my towel, lay down, closed my eyes, and thought of Han.
Later when we were back at the campsite, Alice told me how much she was enjoying her holiday in France, which was nice, I suppose. She said something about how happy she was to be with me, which I thought was kinda sweet. I was busy flicking croissant crumbs off my T-shirt at the time so I just smiled back at her and nodded. I hope she didn’t think me rude!
Bought a top-up card at the campsite shop. It cost me 30 sodding euros!
Friday 17 August
Me and Alice hired a couple of bikes today, which was a hoot! We cycled around the lanes by the campsite; I didn’t know cyclists had to cycle on the right (I thought it only applied to cars) and couldn’t understand why we kept getting honked at! We cycled for what seemed like miles and I got really outta breath, so we stopped off at a café at the side of the road. Alice ordered two Cokes while I sat there looking very English, smiling and nodding like a donkey at the man who was serving us. I was glad that Alice has been paying attention in our French lessons!
Wrote Han’s card out and sent it off. Wrote really boring stuff on it, like ‘weather hot, beach great’ when all I wanted to write was, ‘Miss you like crazy. Can’t concentrate for thinking about you.’ That and, ‘Dying for a shag.’
Tonight we had a barbeque outside the mobile home. Dad took it upon himself to cook the food, and suddenly he’s an expert at cooking! This is despite him barely ever stepping foot in the kitchen at home. Hand him a large fork and stand him in front of an open fire and suddenly he’s Gordon Ramsay [/sarcasm/]. Alice looked like she was struggling with the burnt offerings that were plonked on her plate, but I thought once all the burnt bits had been picked off the beef burgers they tasted okay.
Dad asked me later if I enjoyed the barbecued pork! Oops!!
Saturday 18 August
We went to another beach today. We walked through these lovely pine forests to get to it, climbed up and over a sand dune, and saw this beautiful expanse of beach and sea laid out below us. Shame the waves were crashing down like in a force ten gale, but you can’t have everything!
Boiling hot just sitting there, so me and Alice went for a long walk along the shore until Mum and Dad disappeared from view. We found a beach café and Alice ordered us two Cokes (I wanted a lemonade but we couldn’t remember the French for ‘lemonade,’ so I had a Coke instead). I was texting Han and I think it was annoying Alice ’cos she kept asking me who I was texting so furiously (I think she was pissed off ’cos I was ignoring her). I told her (casually, like) that I was texting Han, and she said, ‘Why’re you texting her, like, ALL the time? You were texting her all morning, and yesterday all day as well.’ She looked a bit grumpy. I shrugged and said I was just keeping in touch with friends. Then she said, ‘You’re not keeping in touch with Ems or Matty, ’cos they texted me and asked me if we were having a good time.’ Sheesh! It’s like having my bloody mother checking up on me sometimes, so I reluctantly put my phone down and decided to pay more attention to Alice. I didn’t want her to have a strop.
When we got back to Mum and Dad they hadn’t moved in the two hours we’d been gone. Mum had this angry red mark on her face and I thought she’d been stung by a jellyfish or something, but she told me she’d fallen asleep on the blowhole of her inflatable pillow, that was all.
Sunday 19 August
I’m going to tell Alice about Han, I’ve decided. I’m going to tell her just before we come home, so that if she freaks out on me, I don’t have to put up with it for very long before we go home!
Tonight Dad let me and Alice have some wine with our tea. It went straight to my legs and Alice got all giggly and started finding the smallest things hugely funny. Dad was looking at her strangely; I can’t see him letting us have it again!
Monday 20 August
Went to a market in the next town this morning, which was an education in itself! Never have I seen so many French people in one place—why do they have to shout at each other? Even when they’re only standing a foot away from each other? Are all French people deaf?
Had a bit of an argument with Alice ’cos she was grumbling at me again for texting Han. I just wanted to tell Han how mu
ch I was missing her and it pissed me off that Alice seemed to be watching my every move, so I snapped at her and she didn’t speak to me till after lunch. I texted Han and told her that Alice was peeing me off a bit; Han texted me back and said, ‘My poor baby. I think it’s time you came home to me,’ and that made me miss her even more.
I really do want to tell Alice about Han now, but I’m worried what she’ll say. I hate keeping this to myself and I resent the fact I have to sometimes. Han makes me so happy, so why don’t I feel like I can share that happiness with someone? If I was seeing a boy, I’d be able to shout it from the rooftops, but because Han’s a girl, I can’t. It seems so unfair sometimes.
Tuesday 21 August
OMG, what a straaaaaaange day! So, me and Alice went for a walk down along the beach and ended up sitting up on one of the sand dunes. I was texting Han again and Alice made yet another comment about it, so I decided to bite the bullet and say something to her (Alice, not Han). I said I missed Han and that’s why I was texting her so much. Alice said, ‘You miss her that much? So much that you’re happy to use up all your credit on her? You’ve done nothing but text her since we got here.’ I grunted some sort of reply and she went on. ‘Your phone’s always beeping! You’re either busy texting away, or reading replies—what on earth can you find to talk about all the time?’
I said, ‘We just talk about stuff. Tell each other what we’re doing, about the weather, stuff like that. Nothing much.’ My heart was beating faster than it normally does. She said, ‘You’re spending, like, 50p a text talking about the weather? You’re mad!’ and she laughed. I said, ‘We talk about other stuff too. How we’re feeling and things.’ She said, ‘How you’re feeling?’ I said, ‘Yeah, like how much we miss each other and can’t wait to see each other again.’ She raised her eyebrows and said, ‘Well, I don’t miss ANYONE from home, that’s for sure!’ Then as an afterthought, ‘Hmm, maybe Mum and Dad…but certainly no one from school!’ and she snorted.
I said, ‘No, but I REALLY miss her, and she REALLY misses me,’ and looked long and hard at her, trying to make her understand. It was a bit like pulling teeth really! She didn’t reply so I said, ‘Alice, I gotta tell you something but I don’t know what you’re going to say.’ She smiled and said, ‘Try me,’ so I said, ‘Well, it’s kinda, it’s like, um, it’s like me and Han, we’re um…’ and she said, ‘You’re what?’ so I said, ‘Ah fuck it, we’re going out with each other,’ and then looked intently down at my scuffed-up trainers. She said, ‘What, like boyfriend and girlfriend?’ and I laughed and said, ‘Well, no—like girlfriend and girlfriend,’ and, OMFG, she started crying! I asked, ‘Uhhh Alice, you okay?’ and she looked away. I thought I’d get either disgust or excitement, but I never expected tears! Alice snuffled and wiped her nose on the back of her hand and said, ‘I wanted it to be me you went out with.’ I said, ‘Eh?’ and picked at my shoelaces. She said, ‘I really like you, Clem. Been thinking about you lots and, well, I really like you.’ I didn’t know what to say, so just said, ‘Oh,’ so Alice got up and started walking back to our mobile home. I got up and followed her and walked back with her in silence.
Sweet Jesus, Alice fancies me! Has the whole world gone mad?
What am I going to say to her? The trouble is, I’ve only ever seen Alice as a friend—anything else would be just toooooo weird!! Even if I wasn’t so wrapped up in Han, I wouldn’t see Alice in that way. I mean, she’s okay looking and all, but she’s…well, she’s Alice!
What am I going to do?? [/stressed/].
Wednesday 22 August
Back home! And I’ve never been so glad in all my life to go home! Me and Alice barely said another word to each other for the rest of yesterday, or today, mainly ’cos I didn’t know what the hell to say to her. In hindsight, I should have talked to her about it but instead I just kept shtum. Mum and Dad thought we’d had a tiff, ’cos I heard Mum say something to Dad about ‘teenage angst’. If only they knew!
We got the night ferry over last night, dropped Alice off at her house around midday and came on home. Instead of ringing Han first, which is what I wanted to do, I thought I ought to text Alice so I wrote, ‘We need to talk.’ I sat on my bed waiting for her to reply but she didn’t, so I rang Han and told her I was home. After she’d finished squealing with delight, she asked if she could come over, so she came over and had Chinese takeaway with us.
I was pleased at the admiring looks Han gave me when she saw me, which must have meant she approved of my tan. When we were up in my room after tea, she ran her hands over my brown, brown legs and told me I was looking ‘as fit as fuck’, which made me go a bit giggly, but pleased me greatly. She whispered in my ear, ‘I don’t know how I kept my hands off you downstairs, Clemmykins,’ and I felt my tummy lurch.
Then she said, ‘You look so hot, I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t have half the male population of France after you. You didn’t, um, you didn’t do anything with anyone when you were away, did you? You know I’d die if you ever cheated on me, don’t you?’ She was trying to sound bright, but it’s difficult not to sense threatening undertones when a Goth—sorry, EMO—is standing in front of you dressed head to foot in black, with chains and studs and smudged lipstick talking about death and stuff, so I just stepped over to her, held her tightly in my arms, and told her I spent the whole two weeks thinking about her, which is true. (If you don’t count the sodding awful 48 hours when Alice randomly declared her lust for me.)
Anyway, as if on cue, we were busy having just the best kiss ever (I made sure my door was locked) when Alice texted me back, just saying ‘Sorry ’bout yesterday. Nothing to talk about. A xxx.’ When Han asked who’d texted, I told her no one, then immediately felt like a rat.
Why is my life so fucking complicated??
Thursday 23 August
Figured I’d make the most of my last day with Han for over a week rather than trying to sort this shit out with Alice, so didn’t contact Alice all day. Instead, I went over to Han’s where her hallway looked like the baggage reclaim at Heathrow Airport. I swear to God, four of us going to France for two weeks had a third of the luggage the Harrison family had for ten bloody days in Portugal!
Han’s mum was having a panic, ’cos she suddenly realised she hadn’t packed a first aid kit and was rifling through the bathroom talking about bandages in a loud voice until I heard Han’s dad shout from the hallway ‘For Christ’s sake, Jeanette, we’re going to Portugal, not white-water rafting up the sodding Zambezi. Just throw a roll of Elastoplasts in the wash bag and calm down, will you?’
For a man who teaches religion for a living, he’s not very tolerant!!!
Me and Han took Toffee for a walk down by the railway and had a quick kiss behind a tree which felt very naughty, but VERY exciting. We said our good-byes, and I felt awful knowing I wouldn’t see her again for a whole ten days, but she said, ‘Don’t be upset, baby boo…think of how much fun we can have when I get back. And if you’re really good while I’m away, I’ll show you my all-over tan,’ and she kissed my forehead, which made me go all silly inside. When we got back to hers, she showed me her bikini (but where’s she gonna hang her chains??) that she’d bought. I got a small pang of jealousy at the thought of Portuguese men ogling her in it, but I didn’t say anything. Even if Han’s prone to the odd bout of jealousy, I sure as hell don’t want her thinking I’m one of those nutty bunny boilers like you see on Jerry Springer.
Just got home now and am missing her like crazy! On top of all this, I still gotta sort out all this shit with Alice [/joy/]. I bet even Romeo and Juliet never had hassles like this.
Friday 24 August
Took a deep breath and rang Alice’s house today. I figured if I rang her mobile then she wouldn’t answer it, but she’d have to speak to me on the landline. I told her I wanted to come over and she said, ‘If you want,’ so I went over just before lunch.
She looked awful! She looked like she’d been crying, and I felt an absolute rat for not
trying harder to speak to her before now. I didn’t know what to say, but the embarrassing silence on the doorstep was solved by Alice’s mum calling from the kitchen, asking me if I wanted some coffee and cake. Alice snapped at her that we were going upstairs. When we got into Alice’s room, I worried for a nanosecond that she might try and kiss me but then told myself I was being ridiculous.
She sat on her bed and I said, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t ring or text you. I didn’t know what to say to you,’ and she shrugged and said, ‘S’ok.’ Then she said, ‘I’m sorry I ever told you how I felt—it was stupid of me,’ and I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. She said, ‘I’m sorry I ruined your holiday and all,’ so I said, ‘Don’t be daft. You didn’t ruin anything.’ Too many sorrys.
I asked, ‘How long?’ and she asked, ‘How long what?’ so I added, ‘How long have you felt like this?’ and she shrugged and mumbled something I didn’t catch. Then she said, ‘A while,’ and all I could do was nod, ’cos I didn’t know what to say. She said, ‘I’ve felt like I wanted you to be more than just a friend for a while, but when school ended for summer, I didn’t see you for ages and the feelings started to go away, but then being with you, on our own, in France for all that time made the feelings come back again. Now I’m as confused as hell.’ She bit her lip.
