by KE Payne
I didn’t want her to start crying again, so I tried to explain about how I liked her, but not like that, and that I had a girlfriend already, and that having another one would be toooooo confusing, and she giggled and said she didn’t want to be a scarlet woman. I was mightily relieved that she was smiling again, and it made me relax. I said I thought she was great, and that she was my best friend in all the world, always had been, always would be, but that I just didn’t fancy her. It felt weird talking to Alice about girlfriends and fancying girls—all these thoughts I’d kept to myself for ages—and here I was talking to Alice about them. Too strange!
She asked me how long me and Han had been going out with each other so I told her about how I’d liked Han for ages and how I’d been dead confused about my feelings, just like Alice was confused now. I told her about the day Han asked me out, down by the reservoir, and how happy I was. Alice looked a bit sad, but just said, ‘Han seems lovely. You’ll make a nice couple,’ which I thought was sweet of her.
I decided not to tell Alice about J, ’cos it all seems so insignificant now. That, plus the fact I don’t want it getting back to J that I used to fancy her like rotten (and cry myself to sleep over her some nights). I asked Alice not to tell the others about me and Han, so I hope she doesn’t.
Anyway, I was glad that we’d sort of cleared the air, and I went home feeling happier than when I’d left it. I walked home looking at Han’s skull ring, which I kept for while she’s in Portugal, and got an aching feeling inside, wishing she was with me.
Saturday 25 August
A note! From Alice! It was pushed through our letterbox last night and it said:
Clem
I found it way too difficult to say half the stuff I wanted to say yesterday so thought I’d be better writing them down instead. I’m sorry I fucked up what we had left of our holiday. I just hope that u enjoyed the time that we had before Friday as much as I did.
I’m also sorry I told u what I told u. I think it would of been better just to keep stuff to myself and hope that it went away, but when u told me about u and Hannah it just hit me like a thunderbolt. I suppose I kinda hoped that one day u’d see me the same way as I see u so when u told me u were going out with Hannah it ruined any hopes I might have had.
I’m really confused at the moment, I don’t even know if the feelings I have for u r more than just the normal feelings friends have between each other, or whether they’re something more. All I know is that I miss u when ur not around, I think about u all the time, and right now I’m as jealous as hell of Hannah. Sounds like I’m pretty confused doesn’t it?
I think it’s best I don’t see u for the rest of the summer, so I can figure out what’s going on in my head. I can’t figure out what’s what when ur around, but that’s not ur fault, it’s mine.
See you soon
Alice
xxx
I have to say, I agree with her about not seeing each other for a while.
Sunday 26 August
Our new sofa was delivered today! The colour is called ‘Café Society’, which could mean anything, really. It’s kinda coffee coloured and it’s very squishy and comfortable. The delivery drivers plonked it in the lounge and Mum immediately put a dark-brown throw on it! All those months of agonising over the colour and she throws a blanket on it! I saw Dad look at her in exasperation but he knew better than to question her.
Monday 27 August
Thought my tan was fading a bit so stayed out in the garden all day today, topping it up. Lay on the sun bed thinking about Han in Portugal and pictured her wearing her bikini, then got all horny, so went inside and helped Mum chop up some lettuces for tea to take my mind off it.
Tuesday 28 August
Got a postcard from Han today! She had the sense to put it in an envelope so our nosy postman wouldn’t read it. It said:
My lovely,
Weather flipping hot! Spending most days down at the beach, swimming and lying in the sun thinking of you. Mum keeps telling me not to wear black ’cos it attracts the heat but I’d rather boil than wear white. It’s against my beliefs.
Miss you like crazy and can’t wait to see you again. Love you loads. Han xxx
Now I’m worried in case she overheats in all her Goth gear. I hope she didn’t take her fuck-off biker boots with her as well.
She loves me! How cool is that?!!
Wednesday 29 August
Maybe she just said she loved me for something to write at the end of her postcard? People say it to each other all the time, don’t they? Without really meaning it? Probably best not to go declaring my love for her in case she runs a mile!
Thursday 30 August
The fair is in town! Well, it’s been here a week but today was the first day I had a chance to get over there and see it for myself! I went over with Matty, Ems, and Caroline and we had a blast!
We went on the Dodgems, Freak Out, Roller Ghosta, Afterburner, and then the Wall of Death. I was okay until I looked down and saw the spotty youth with the shaved head and no teeth who was in charge of the on/off button, and who looked like he shouldn’t be in charge of a pair of scissors, let alone a 30-foot ride with 20 people on it. Felt a bit sick from being thrown around on all the rides, but had a blob of candyfloss and the sugar seemed to perk me up again.
Ems asked if me and Alice had a good time in France, then asked me if I’d seen her since I’d been back, ’cos she’d seen her on Sunday and she’d seemed a bit down. I got a bit flustered and said that I hadn’t seen her, and that she’d probably been down ’cos we’re going back to school soon. Then I felt bad ’cos I knew Alice was feeling down and it’s all because of me. Thought about ringing her, but couldn’t bring myself to do it, then felt even worse!
Friday 31 August
Got dragged into town by Mum today who remembered in a panic that I’m back at school on Monday. How could she forget this? She’s a teacher, for God’s sake!
She’s got it into her head that the clothes I wore perfectly well all last term aren’t good enough for this term, so hauled me off to the shops to buy new shirts and jumpers. Managed to persuade her to buy me some more shoes AND I managed to make her buy me Doc Martens shoes on the basis that the soles are thicker and will therefore last longer. Ha ha ha!
They rub like buggery, mind, but it’ll be worth it in the long run!
Han’s home tomorrow!
Saturday 1 September
Woke up at nine to a text, which read: ‘I’m back in Blighty! Got up with the sparrow’s fart ’cos flight was at 5:30 a.m. Just landed at Heathrow. Home soooooooon xxx’.
How marvellous! I wonder if she’ll be too tired for sex?
11 p.m.: Just got back from Han’s house. Didn’t get a chance to see her all-over tan ’cos her mum and dad were hanging round the house all day. Han brought me back this wicked wristband that’s kinda like tapestry material and has lots of Mediterranean-type designs on it. Am still pretty tanned from France so it looks well cool on my wrist!
Sunday 2 September
Realised with a jolt that I’ve made no effort to contact Alice since she pushed her note through our door over a week ago. She did say she thought it best we didn’t contact each other, so I suppose I’m doing the right thing, but I still feel guilty not texting, e-mailing, or calling her.
Mum and Dad went out for the day to go walk round some boring, dusty old stately home somewhere, HRBH went to town to meet up with some friends, so I seized the moment and ushered Han over for what could be our last chance to do it before school starts!
While we were doing it, Han told me she loved me but I kinda wondered if that was just the sex talking and she didn’t really mean it, so I didn’t reply. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t want to scare her off so I just stayed shtum and concentrated on what I was doing.
Monday 3 September
Teacher training today so at least I had one more day of lie-ins! Heard Mum grumbling out on the landing about having to go ‘back to the wo
rkhouse’, but her persistent grizzling was soon muffled when I turned over and pulled the duvet up over my head…
Tuesday 4 September
School! Ugh! Whoever invented school was a sadist.
It was really good to see everyone again, though. I’d barely seen anyone except Han and Alice, ’cos we’d all been busy, away, or working. I was dead nervous about seeing Alice after what had happened in France, and I was fretting about how she would react to seeing Han, but I needn’t have worried ’cos I hardly saw her all day. Don’t know if that was something planned by Alice ’cos she just didn’t want to see me, or whether it was because, despite it being our first day back, the school took it upon itself to bombard us with orders and useless bloody information about the year ahead. Sheesh!
To top a pretty crap day all round, our new form tutor Mr. Harman has been banging on all day about how important this year’s going to be, ’cos it’s our GCSE year, and how we have to work hard and concentrate and hand all our work in on time and blah, blah, blah. By the end of the day, my head was thumping, and I’ve only been back a day. How am I gonna last until June??
Wednesday 5 September
We got our new timetable today. I was shocked and dismayed to see I have double Maths first thing on Mondays this year. Who decides these things? The Gestapo?
We had a whole school assembly this morning so the new Head could address us all. Her name’s Mrs. Unwin and she looks like Judge Judy, but I’m not holding that against her. She seems okay actually; she was wearing an argyle cardigan and a string of pearls and looked dead nervous but I think she’ll fit in well. I think she must have a sweet tooth, though, because every time you pass her, there’s a terrible whiff of Mint Imperials.
Nabbed Alice during afternoon break and asked her if she was okay. She looked at me like she didn’t want me to talk to her but I didn’t care. I’m fed up with her avoiding me and making me feel like I’ve done something wrong when I haven’t. She wouldn’t look at me and kept biting her bottom lip but she did at least tell me that she was all right, and that she was ‘working on some personal issues’, whatever the fuck that means. She said, ‘I kinda need to stay away from you for a bit, Clem, ’cos when I’m around you I can’t think properly. I’m hoping that if I don’t see you or talk to you, then I’ll be able to forget you and move on. You can understand that, surely?’
I nodded meekly but still tried to have a conversation with her about school, just so I could talk to her, but she just told me she was busy and walked off down the corridor, leaving me standing there feeling like a right prat.
I’m not sure if I feel better for having spoken to her or not. On reflection, I think I feel worse!
Thursday 6 September
We’ve got some student teacher person teaching us French until Christmas. He’s called Henri and he’s proper, genuine French with an accent and everything! He’s very excitable and prone to talking louder than what I consider acceptable. He’s also got shocking halitosis, so we all try and avoid doing anything that requires him to stand any closer than a foot away from us.
Friday 7 September
Was thinking about my all-too-brief conversation with Alice on Wednesday, and now I’m wondering if I should try and talk to her again or do as she asked and just leave her alone. I want to talk to Han about it but the realist in me tells me it ain’t such a good idea, bearing in mind what a hothead Han can be. If she gets so much as a whiff of someone else fancying me, she’s just as likely to rip their head off, and as much as I secretly like the idea of someone being jealous over me, my conscience won’t let me allow Han loose on Alice. Besides, Mrs. Unwin would have us drawn and quartered in the school yard if even so much as a drop of blood got spilt in her shiny corridors!
Saturday 8 September
Mum and Dad had their friend Celina over for dinner tonight. I can’t stand Celina. Her biggest claim to fame is that she once hiked across the Andes wearing nothing but a bikini to highlight the plight of cashmere farmers in Peru or something, and she never fails to manage to drop it into the conversation. Big, fat, hairy deal! I could slip a leotard on and tap dance through the Grand Canyon in my flip-flops if I wanted to, but I’ve got far better things to do with my time.
Couldn’t face listening to her telling Mum about how the local press were amazed she was 47, and how everyone in Primrose Avenue bought a paper the week she was in it, even the ones who normally hated the local rag and only considered the national papers worth spending their money on. So I invited myself over to Han’s for tea. We went down to the chip shop ’cos her mum was at her tae kwon do class until seven. That’s the second bad meal I’ve had in as many days (I had baked beans for tea last night), so have vowed to eat just greens until next weekend!
Sunday 9 September
Tried to find something green in the fridge but the only green thing I could find was a piece of Gorgonzola with mould on. Was buggered if I was going to eat that so had fish and chips, apple crumble and ice cream for lunch, and baked beans on toast and three Oreos for tea.
Well, you can’t say I didn’t try!
Monday 10 September
A new girl has started today and I have to sit next to her in English ’cos my name’s the nearest to hers on the register. Her name’s Susan Divine. If there was a prize for the most inappropriate surname, it would go to her ’cos she’s anything but divine! She’s about six foot tall in her socks and nearly as wide, and she looks like she’s been chasing parked cars. Even Mr. Pritchard looked scared of her.
Caroline found out at lunchtime that she used to go to All Saints School but was expelled for ‘misdemeanours’. I’m not sure what classifies as ‘misdemeanours’ but you can bet your life it had something to do with violence. Great! Not only does she look like a psycho, she is one!!
Tuesday 11 September
Went up to the library with Han during our so-called private study time with the intention of doing some research for our coursework, but ended up holding hands at the back of the linguistics section instead.
Refused to feel guilty for not doing any studying. I’m in love, and that feels way too brilliant to be wasting precious time on bloody reading!
Wednesday 12 September
Han says it’s really hard to get booted out of school these days, so she reckons this Susan Divine girl must be as hard as nails. This isn’t really what I want to hear, bearing in mind she sits within touching distance of me in class. I made a mental note to steer clear of her, and to avoid eye contact with her at all times, in case I antagonise her and get stabbed with a pen or something.
Han caught up with me in the corridor this afternoon and told me how much she loved being up in the library with me yesterday. She said, ‘It was dead clandestine, don’t you think? I liked that, made me feel real hot.’
I wasn’t sure what ‘clandestine’ meant, so I just nodded and linked my fingers in hers when no one was looking. Made a note to make an effort to see what clandestine means later, to kind of educate myself, so that it doesn’t feel like our secret liaison at the library was all for nothing.
Thursday 13 September
Really hot day again, so me and Han ate lunch outside on our own. We found a quiet corner over by the tennis courts and if it wasn’t for the fact we were at school, we could just as well have been on a date! There was no one else near us, and Han leant over to me and told me she loved me!! How cool is that? I mean, she’s said it in passing, like in texts, and when we’re doing it and things, but never actually face-to-face with me. She said, ‘I love you, Clemmykins—you do know that, don’t you? You make my life complete,’ and my legs went funny, even though I was sitting down. I didn’t really know what to say so I just kinda smiled and grunted something back at her and she looked down and started to tug at the grass. She asked, ‘Do you love me?’ which gobsmacked me! Of course I love her! I adore her! Why would she think otherwise? So I told her that—that I adored her and that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and
she seemed to cheer up a bit. She said, ‘I’ve told you, like, three or four times that I love you, but you never say it back. Just makes a girl wonder.’ So I told her that I’d been scared to tell her in case she ran a mile from me, and she laughed and said, ‘Quite the opposite, you silly sausage.’ I felt a bit daft.
Women! I think this gay dating lark could be more complicated than I imagined!
Friday 14 September
Another really hot day. Sat outside the Art block at lunchtime and saw that Susan Divine girl sunbathing over by the toilets. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Caroline leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, ‘I didn’t know they did teenagers in that size,’ and I got a fit of the giggles. She looked like she was on a slow cook in the sunshine; every time she moved, I half expected to get a whiff of roasting pork crackling…
