Plan Bea
Page 25
I honestly knew this already, but when someone has such a difficult time expressing himself, as Marc does, it is natural to wonder and have some doubts. Because of that, I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “Really?” Or maybe I just wanted to hear him say it again. Hearing his words was like grabbing onto a life preserver while drowning.
“Yes, really,” he replied, wiping another tear from my face. “And I know that you want to get married. I don’t need Jaye or Eric or anyone else to tell me that. But we have to do it when we are both ready, not when everyone else is ready for us to be.”
“But what does that mean? You never want to talk about it. And I am afraid to bring it up. I worry that I will freak you out. I don’t want to be your girlfriend forever.” I was never one of those girls who dreamt about a fairytale wedding. I didn’t want to be married for the sake of being married, unlike so many people I’ve known. I wanted to spend my life with someone I loved, while experiencing both good times and the bad ones with them. I didn’t want to be stuck in a perpetual dating situation where we only enjoyed each other’s company when it was convenient, fun and easy. I wanted a life partner…
A few months ago, Marc needed minor outpatient surgery. I brought him to the hospital, sat with him while he waited, held his hand when he came to from the anesthesia, and cared for him when he returned home and had difficulty sitting and walking. Although he’d probably disagree, because he was the one that actually had the surgery, it was a wonderful experience. It was so simple and real. We felt like a family. Every step of the way, I’d hoped it would help him realize that he couldn’t live without me…
“I know you want more,” he answered.
“Is it something you want?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I am getting less and less opposed to the idea of marriage. I just can’t rush into anything. I have to do it in my time, in my own way. You can understand that, right?” He didn’t wait for me to respond; maybe because he sensed my answer would be no. Instead, he just continued. “We have to take our time. We have to wait until we know it is right.”
“Know it is right? I already know we are right for each other,” I said tenderly. I wanted to add that he did too, but he was just too scared to admit it. But although it was difficult, I managed to hold back those words.
“I know you do. And, honestly, in my heart I do too. But I am not ready yet. We both have to be ready for this to work. Just bear with me. Okay?”
I didn’t reply. What was I going to say? No? We wouldn’t have even been having this conversation in the first place if not for Jaye.
“I promise you,” he continued. “I won’t disappoint you, and I will never hurt you. You believe me, right?”
I nodded in agreement, although I wasn’t really one hundred percent sure.
Marc grabbed me once again, held me close, and whispered, “I love you, really I do.” Then he started to sing one of his favorite Led Zeppelin songs to me, “You will be mine, by taking our time…” I wanted to believe him as we sat on the front porch, snuggled up together. Finally Marc asked, “Are you ready to head back?”
“I guess so.”
“Good, dry those tears. Give me a smile, and remember it will be okay.” Marc took my hand in his, and together we went back into the house and out onto the back deck.
When we emerged, everyone fell silent. Eric was the first one to come over and apologize. “I am so sorry, guys,” he said, hugging both me and Marc simultaneously. As he did, I spotted Lois, with both hands firmly planted on her hips, glaring at him from across the room. Eric may have been a grown man, but it was apparent that he’d been reprimanded by his mother for his actions that evening.
Jaye grabbed me as soon as Eric let go and guided me away from the group. Jaye was ten years older than Marc, and has a son from her first marriage who is only a year younger than me. So while Jaye and I were friends, she often took me under her wing as if I were her daughter. Because of this, we had a special bond. “I’m so sorry for everything. You know that I never intended to hurt you. I know that Marc was originally my friend, but you are my friend now, too. I think of you like a daughter, and I don’t want him to take you for granted. He has to understand that you can’t be expected to stick around forever.”
“I know,” I said, tearing up again. I hugged her tight. “Thank you,” I said, looking deeply in her eyes. “Tonight was horrible, and I am upset, but I am also thankful for what you did. It had to be done. We had to talk about marriage. We couldn’t continue putting it off forever, skirting around it, like we had been doing. Tonight, thanks to you, we were forced to speak. I don’t know what will happen next, but whatever does, I think that tonight was very important, and had to happen. And for that I owe you.” Despite the reassurance I offered her, I wondered if we would have been better off just letting nature run its course.
“Yeah, I feel the same way too,” she smiled. “We can’t wait for men to handle anything important. If we did, nothing ever would ever get done!”
Smiling, Jaye and I made our way back to the group. Irvin replaced our champagne flutes with wine glasses and Eric opened a nice bottle of Cabernet. Lois emerged from the kitchen with a tray of cocktail franks and stuffed mushrooms. As we nibbled, we tried our best to put the engagement, or lack thereof, behind us. It was difficult at first, but Eric, always quick with a joke, was able to break the tension and get us all laughing.
Before we knew it, the steak was on the grill and Jaye and I were in the kitchen tossing a salad under Lois’s close supervision. Slowly but surely, we began to have the New Year’s celebration that we’d expected, although my heart was still heavy.
By the time the third bottle of wine was empty, my tears had been replaced by laughter. However, the emotions of the evening took their toll on all of us. There was no way that we were going to be able to stay at Irvin and Lois’s until midnight. I don’t think Irvin, Lois, or even Marno could have handled it either. About forty-five minutes before midnight, after Jaye and I had washed and dried all the dinner dishes, we said our goodbyes and walked silently back to the condo.
When we got there, Jaye gave me another quick hug, and then we retired to our separate rooms. Marc tenderly made love to me as fireworks illuminated the sky over the ocean. “Remember, I really love you,” he assured me once more, holding me close. He soon drifted off to sleep. Although I was exhausted from the evening, no matter how hard I tried, sleep just wouldn’t come. My mind just kept racing. Sure, I knew that he was telling me the truth, but would he ever really be able to fully open himself up to me and embrace a lifetime together?
ALSO BY HILARY GROSSMAN
Dangled Carat (Contemporary Women’s Fiction) In this humorous and playful fictional memoir, Hilary Grossman shares the story of her attempt to convert the ultimate commitment-phobic man into a husband with a lot of help from his friends and family.
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