Forbidden Awakenings (Awakenings #1)

by Lisa Bilbrey

  “I’m sorry,” Helina whimpered. “I didn’t realize I came at you like that. I swear, I didn’t.”

  “But you did,” Elle cried. “Yet, with Ivy it’s hugs and kisses, and how beautiful she is. But not with me. Never with me.”

  “Of course you’re beautiful,” James insisted, reaching across the table for her hand, but she pulled back. “Elle!”

  “You’ve never told me. Not ever. You call her your ‘beautiful Ivy’ but you’ve never, not once, called me your ‘beautiful Elle.’ And I’ve accepted it because it wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight, but it hurt every time.”

  “I never meant to make you feel that I don’t think you’re beautiful, sweetheart, because you are. You’re just so confident. I guess I never thought you needed to hear it from me,” he admitted.

  “Why wouldn’t I?” she asked. “I’m human. I get insecure about myself. Don’t you?”

  Pressing his lips together, James nodded. “All the time.”

  “Just because I hide it well doesn’t mean I’m not screaming inside.” Elle brought her hand up to her chest, toying with the necklace Ivy had brought her from Hawaii. “Why are you here?”

  James shifted his attention over to Helina, clearing her throat. “This is the only chance you’re gonna get, Helina.”

  Her mother nodded and lifted her eyes to Elle. “After the wedding, when we got home, I found myself sitting in your bedroom, looking at all the things you left when you moved, and I saw it.”

  “What?” Sadie asked, drawing attention to the face that she, Claudia, and Bruce were still in the room, biding their time until they could have their own conversation. “What did you see?”

  “You,” she replied. “You were everywhere, in every part of her room. I realized that I had refused to see what was right in front of me all along. You and Elle, the …” Helina gestured between them.

  “The what?” Elle pressed. “Hmm? Say it, Mom. Fucking say it!”

  “The relationship between you two,” she whispered. “Every picture showed how close you were, or are I guess.”

  “Is that why you sent them to me?” Elle asked.

  Helina nodded. “Didn’t help, though. I still saw you everywhere. Laying on the couch watching movies together, or whispering on the front porch. Everywhere. The more I saw it, the more I … the more I realized I didn’t care.”

  Elle inhaled a deep breath. “Didn’t care about what exactly?”

  “I didn’t … No, I don’t care if you two are together. If you’re … if you’re lesbians, or whatever,” she mumbled.

  Elle hummed and shifted her eyes to James. “And do you care?”

  “No,” he admitted. “I’m hurt that you didn’t tell us sooner, that we had to find out like we did, but all I’ve ever wanted was you to be happy, Elle.”

  She scoffed. “Happy, huh? That’s why you told me I could never be an artist, right?”

  “We never said that,” he argued.

  “Bullshit,” she spat. “You wouldn’t pay for my education if I studied art, remember? Get a practical degree, you said. Painting wasn’t a career. That’s what you said, Dad!”

  James shook his head. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’re a dreamer, Elle. You always have been.”

  “And that’s wrong?” she pressed.

  “No,” he said. “But I didn’t want you to get hurt when you failed.”

  “Why do you assume she would fail?” Sadie asked, drawing his attention to her. “She’s an amazing artist. A true visionary, yet you don’t see that. How can you not see that?”

  “I do, Sadie, I do, but …” James trailed off. “I know what rejection feels like, and I didn’t want that for her.” A look of shame filled his features. “You put your heart and soul into something, take a chance only for someone to rip it apart. It’s not a feeling I wanted either of my daughters to ever feel, but especially Elle, because you’re right. She’s amazing.”

  “Like with you’re writing?” Elle inquired.

  He lifted his eyes to hers as he nodded. “You were three when I first sent my book to a publisher. For weeks I waited for their reply, waited for the letter that would change my life. Our life. But the one I got wasn’t it. They called my writing simple and boring, amateur and sloppy. I’d poured everything I had into that book, but in the end, it didn’t matter.”

  “So you gave up,” Elle said, softly. “One rejection letter, and you just quit.”

  “No,” he told her. “I knew I would get a few rejections, so I sent my book to another publisher, and then another and another. All of them said no, all of them told me I wasn’t good enough, that I had no business pursuing such a path. So I gave up.”

  “And you thought I would suffer the same fate?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I just didn’t want you to feel the same hurt that I did,” he replied. “But that didn’t matter, did it? Because we were the ones who hurt you.”

  “You were,” Elle admitted. “I just wanted you to accept me as I am.”

  “And we’re trying, Elle,” Helina pleaded, placing her hands on the table and leaning toward her. “I don’t understand the way you are, the affection you have for Sadie, or those boys.”

  “Men,” Sadie chided. “They aren’t boys; they’re men, and it doesn’t matter if you understand. Can you accept that Elle is mine, that Derek and Callum are ours? Because if you can’t, if none of you can, then you might as well leave. We won’t give them up, and we won’t let go of each other, either. Not four months ago when you threw us away like we were nothing, and certainly not now. So can you? Can you love us the way we are?”

  “Yes,” James said, immediately.

  Elle looked over at Helina. “Mom?”

  Helina frowned. “I can try. That’s all I can offer right now. I’m sorry it’s not more.”

  “Me, too,” Elle murmured.

  “Mom? Dad?” Sadie asked, directing her attention to Claudia and Bruce, who’d sat patiently and listened as they’d exposed their family secrets. “Can you?”

  “Yes,” they said together.

  Claudia leaned over and placed her hand on top of Sadie’s. “All we want is for you to be happy, and if that means you’re with them, then we’re okay with that.”

  “Mom’s right, honey,” Bruce added. “You’re my little girl, Sadie. And that will never change.”

  “Yeah?” She cocked an eyebrow. “I wasn’t your little girl four months ago when you told me, over the phone by the way, that my soul was in danger, and that Elle and I were going against God’s law. Has that suddenly changed?”

  When neither Claudia nor Bruce said anything, Sadie turned to Helina and James. “Hmm? Do you still think God doesn’t love us because we’re sinners?”

  “Of course he loves you,” Helina said. “He … . He doesn’t like the sin.”

  “And if we said that we don’t believe in God?” Elle asked, causing all four of them to look over at her. “Will you still sit at our table if we never believe in your God?”

  “Yes,” the four of them said together, though it sounded forced and hollow.

  “We just want another chance to be in your lives,” Helina said, reaching across the table and covering Elle’s hand. “I want a chance to be the mother you deserve. Please let me.”

  Elle wanted nothing more than to believe her, to throw herself in her mother’s arms and scream “Yes, please yes!”

  But she didn’t.

  She couldn’t.

  The pain, the ache that had filled her chest from the moment her mother stood inside a church and declared that Elle was no longer her daughter was too fresh for her to ignore. So instead of giving into the urge to say yes, she pushed her chair away from the table and stood up.

  “I need …” She trailed off and shook her head. “I need to think. I’m sorry.”

  Leaving them sitting there, Elle walked out of the kitchen, through the living room, where Callum, Derek, Carlos, Felicia, and Lucia were sitti
ng and pretending that they weren’t anxiously waiting for something to happen, and out the front door. Stumbling down the front walk, she wrapped her arms around her torso and walked to the edge of the yard, and peered out over the bay.

  “Elle,” Callum called out, but she knew he wasn’t alone. She knew that when she turned and looked back at the house, he would be standing with Derek and Sadie, which was exactly what she saw.

  “They sat there and begged for another chance, and I want to say yes.” She laughed, though nothing was funny. “I want to scream yes!”

  “So do it,” Derek said.

  Elle shook her head. “I can’t.”

  “You can,” he countered. “You’re choosing not to.”

  “You don’t understand, Derek. Your parents accept you without question,” she mumbled. “What if … what if they decide in a month that it’s too much? What if they turn away again? I can’t go through all of this again. I just can’t. I won’t survive the looks on their faces when they tell me I’m not their daughter anymore!”

  “I think we should,” Sadie whispered, and when Elle gaped at her, she put her hands up in front of her. “Please, just hear me out before you say no.”

  “Okay,” she murmured.

  Sadie took a deep breath as she walked down the pathway, stopping in front of Elle. Reaching out, she tangled their fingers together, bringing them up to her chest. “Seeing them standing there in the doorway hurt; it hurt a lot. I know that because my heart started to ache, but they’re here, sweetie. We can let our anger and pain get the better of us, or we can give them one last chance, one last opportunity to … I don’t know … get their heads out of their asses and stop being assholes.”

  “But after everything they’ve done to me, to us, Sadie, how can you even think of saying yes? The way they’ve always made us feel less than perfect, why would you want anything to with them?”

  Sadie frowned and kissed their knuckles. “Because they’re our parents, and we’re never going to get another set.”

  “Lover,” Elle whispered.

  “I know you miss them,” she murmured.

  “I do,” she admitted. “But I’m still angry.”

  “I am, too.” Sadie slipped one of her hands free and brought it up to Elle’s face. “They have a lot of forgiveness to earn, but I still want to give them a chance.”

  “And when they hurt us again?” Elle asked. “Hmm? Are you going to be able to let them go when they turn their backs on us again?”

  “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But what if they don’t? What if they’re here for good?”

  “What if pigs fly out of my ass?” Elle scoffed, causing Sadie, Derek, and Callum to laugh. “Fine. I’ll give them a chance, but this is it. The last time I put myself out there for them to hurt.”

  “That’s all I ask.” Sadie leaned up on her toes and pressed her lips against Elle’s. Unable to stop herself, she deepened the kiss, slipping her tongue inside her lover’s mouth. Their hands clutched at each other’s faces, the need to reaffirm their love for the one another was overwhelming.

  “Oy,” Derek called out, causing them to end their kiss and look over at him and Callum. “I want some of that.”

  “Oh, I don’t think so, mister,” Sadie grumbled, facing him and folding her arms in front of her chest. “You two have some groveling to do.”

  “But —” Callum clamped his lips together as Sadie moved her hands to her hips, which was never a good sign.

  “She might have forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean I have. You had no right to go to them. None at all,” she raged.

  “We know, but —” Once more Derek was silenced by the glare Sadie threw in his direction.

  “You were only trying to help. I know, but — and this is a huge but — you don’t get to lie to us and go behind our backs like that and not have to face our wrath. That ain’t cool.” Sadie smirked and slipped her arm around Elle’s waist. “Now, I think some time spent on your knees will do you both some good. What you do you think, baby?”

  Elle grinned, bringing her hand up and stroking Sadie’s cheek. “I think that’s a fabulous idea.”

  Before she could say anything else, the front door opened and when she looked over Derek and Callum’s shoulders, she saw Helina, James, Claudia, and Bruce walk out. The apprehension on their faces had Elle reeling. She’d never seen them so nervous, so terrified and unsure.

  “But I guess that little punishment will have to wait,” Elle mumbled just loud enough for Sadie to hear her. Clearing her throat, she dropped her hand from her lover’s face, and placed it on the one that was wrapped around her hip before she addressed their parents. “I’ll give you one more chance, but that’s it. You throw us away again, and we’re done for good.”

  “We can accept those terms,” James was quick to say with Bruce adding, “That’s more than fair. Thank you.”

  “Mom?” Sadie asked, lifting an eyebrow. “Do you understand?”

  “I do,” Claudia murmured with a nod. “I won’t mess this up. Not again.”

  However, while James, Bruce, and Claudia were all eagerly to agree to their terms, Helina was standing with her arms wrapped around her chest and tears falling down her face.

  Elle’s lips trembled and the words were shaky as they poured from her mouth. “I love them, Mom. They’re everything to me, everything I never thought I deserved. And if you can’t — or won’t — accept that they’re a part of me, then you might as well leave now.”

  Helina walked over to Elle, slowly reaching out and grabbing her hands. “If you’re happy, then I will try.”

  And before Elle could say anything else, Helina Reid hugged her.

  Twenty-seven

  “Are you actually going to paint today?” Callum asked, causing Elle to smile and look over her shoulder.

  He was standing in the doorway of her studio, his arms folded across his chest. The gray UCLA T-shirt he’d worn to bed last night was pulled tight, leaving very little to her imagination, and his black and blue plaid pajama pants hung loosely on his hips. He and Derek had spent hours worshipping Sadie and Elle’s bodies, whispering in their ears how sorry they were for crossing the line, begging for their forgiveness. The passion and adoration that poured from her lovers was earth-shattering and marvelous.

  “Are you?” he asked again.

  “I don’t know,” she admitted and turned back to the canvas in front of her.

  It was blank, as it had been every time she’d found herself sitting inside her studio over the last four months. Though she wanted nothing more than to pick up her brush and start creating something, she couldn’t. Every time she tried, she could hear Leo’s voice inside her head, telling her that her art was a waste of time, or her parents telling her that she wasn’t good enough. But did they really think that? Or was her father telling the truth when he told her that he just didn’t want her to get hurt?

  With a shake of her head, Elle pushed those thoughts out of her head. “I thought you were asleep.”

  “I was, but then I woke up without you, and you know I don’t like that,” he said. A moment later, she felt his arms sliding around her waist. The feel of his fingers grazing her skin caused a deep, throaty moan to slip from between her lips. “Jesus Christ, I love when you moan like that, just for me.”

  “Too much,” she murmured. “You make me moan all the time. Just like making me blush.”

  “I do.” Callum chuckled against the side of her neck. “Are you okay? You’ve been kind of quiet.”

  Elle sighed. “No, I’m not okay. I’m far from being okay. For four months, all I wanted was them to be here, to say exactly what they did yesterday, but sitting there across from them and hearing those words come out of their mouths, I just … I don’t know. I feel confused and nervous and today is not going to help.”

  Callum hummed as he moved so that he was standing in front of her. “Guess inviting them to spend Christmas with us at my parents’ house was too much, huh?”


  Elle bit her lip and nodded. “Yesterday was awkward and weird. I don’t want today to be like that, too.”

  Of course that had been an understatement. Helina, James, Bruce, and Claudia hadn’t been happy to learn that Elle and Sadie had moved in with Derek or Callum, though none of them said anything. It was the looks on their faces, the grimace that they were unable to hide when they realized the four young lovers shared a bed.

  There was a sense of apprehension around all of them as they enjoyed Christmas Eve dinner, and made plans for Christmas Day, which was when Callum asked them to come with them to his parents’ house. Elle wasn’t sure it was a good idea, though she’d kept those thoughts to herself until now.

  Callum pressed his lips together and placed his hands on her hips. “I can call them. Tell them not to come.”

  “No,” she blurted out. “I want them there, but I don’t want them there. It doesn’t make sense, I know, but …” Elle trailed off. “Do you really think they’re okay with us now?”

  “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I mean, they’re here. That has to mean something, right?”

  “I guess.”

  “But I don’t know them, not really. They don’t know us, the way we are together, the love that the four of us feel for each other. And that scares me because if they decide it’s too much, I don’t want … I don’t want you and Sadie to hurt again.”

  “Me, either,” Elle murmured, leaning her head on his chest. “Why can’t we live in a world where it doesn’t matter if we’re gay or straight, or sideways?”

  Callum kissed the top of her head. “I don’t know, honey.”

  —FA—

  “Five minutes,” Sadie said, looking down at her watch. “I’m giving them five more minutes or we’re leaving without them.”

  “They’ll be here,” Derek told her, though Elle could hear the doubt in his voice.

  Helina, James, Bruce, and Claudia were supposed to be at the house at ten, yet it was almost half past and they still hadn’t arrived.

  “It’s still early, sweetheart,” Felicia cooed, patting Sadie on the cheek before settling on the sofa next to Carlos, who simply nodded and turned his attention back to the television.