Hamster Gangster

by Angela Robb

  AAAHHH!! I’m spinning! I’m pinned against the plastic! … Ohhhhh, my head, it’s just like the day Gary put me in the tumble dryer …

  Wait … I think the ground’s levelled off … Yes. Yes, don’t panic, I’ve almost got it back under control … but, oh, I feel dizzy …

  ‘RIGHT!’ screams Tina.

  The inside of the shade is whirling before my eyes, but I lean to what I’m hoping is the right-hand side …

  ‘PERFECT!’

  Oh good.

  Oh no. The nasty crack the shade suffered when it fell down the steps is growing. Worse still, there’s a whole spider’s web of little cracks spreading out from it.

  This thing’s gonna break.

  ‘HOW MUCH FURTHER?!’ I pant.

  ‘NOT FAR NOW! WE’RE ON THE MAIN STREET ALREADY!’

  ‘WE’RE ON THE WHAT??!!’

  I know I heard Tina correctly, because over all the barking I can hear people screaming. I can see the shapes of their feet and legs as they dive out the way of the crazed dogs.

  I keep going … rushing straight into Tina-knows-what …

  Another BUMP … another crack! … Did I just drop off the kerb? Am I on the road? A rush of engine noise and a shadow flitting overhead tell me that yes, I am on the road and I just bowled my way between the wheels of a large vehicle.

  ‘TINA—! Oomph!’

  I think I just bumped on to the pavement at the other side. I’m going to assume that none of the dogs has been flattened.

  Suddenly, the spidery cracks are tearing in all directions around the sphere – I’m staring at an eye-watering jigsaw of tiny pieces, desperate to fall apart …

  ‘CHEF CLAUDE’S A-COMIN’ UP!’ whoops Tina.

  Not soon enough, not soon enough …

  ‘PREPARE TO SWING A RIGHT!’

  ‘I’M READY! I’M READY!’

  I can hear it cracking, I can—

  ‘NOWWWW!!!’

  I throw myself to the right. This must be it – the lane next to Claude’s. I’m bouncing over fish bones – I’m—

  SMASH.

  I’m sitting in a daze, surrounded by pieces of broken lampshade. The dogs leap over me – and keep going. Tina lets go of the shih-tzu and lands perfectly, between two razor-sharp fragments.

  ‘Kitties at twelve o’clock,’ she whispers, a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

  I look up. As the six dogs hurtle towards them, I’ve just enough time to take in those flabbergasted feline faces – and all of them are staring at me.

  ‘ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF!’ I holler. ‘MY NAME IS ROCCO! AND THESE HERE ARE MY DOGS! PLURAL!!’

  The cats hiss and spit – but they know they’re beaten. They spring from the bins and stacks of rubbish they’ve been sitting on, and flee down the lane as the dogs give chase. Mad barking echoes off the walls, making our half-dozen pets sound like a pack of wild coyotes.

  Tina and I run after them, all the way to the end of the lane. Here, behind the restaurants, we are looking down into the docks through the haze of late afternoon sun. We watch as the would-be invaders and the happy canines grow smaller and smaller. They fade into frantic dots that are finally lost against the sparkling water.

  ‘Well, Tina,’ I say, ‘I think that bit’s taken care of.’

  ‘Too right.’

  We’ve just done what we’ve both been dreaming of, and taken down the alley cats. But I know Tina’s thoughts, like mine, have already turned to unfinished business at Claude’s bistro.

  As we scurry past the lane, towards the back of the restaurant, we can see the cats’ fishy leftovers will not be going to waste. For one day at least, the seagulls have found themselves a proper source of grub.

  33

  Le Riot

  The rats and mice are gathered by the back door of Chef Claude’s restaurant, eagerly awaiting our arrival.

  ‘The feline foes have gone!’ I cry. ‘We won’t be seeing their mangy faces again anytime soon!’

  Cue lots of loud cheering. Even Vinny looks pleased. The mice run towards Tina, but are careful to keep their distance from me. After all, as far as the rats are concerned, I’m the ruthless boss who plans to punish Nev and Dwayne.

  ‘Now let’s show Monsieur Meatballs his goose is cooked – but not how he likes it!’

  Everyone sniggers as they turn towards the kitchen. It’s been a hot day, and the back door has been wedged open. ‘Thank you Claude,’ I murmur as the rats begin to pour through.

  The mice and I scurry inside just as Claude’s cooks realise what’s going on. They grab their meat cleavers and call out wildly, but seem too horrified to actually do anything. Claude hurries in from the store cupboard carrying a box of leeks. He drops it to the floor.

  ‘Sacré bleu!’ he screams. ‘Stop zem, you idiots! Before zey get into le restaurant!’

  Too late.

  As one, the whole lot of us – rats, mice and hamster – slam into the swing doors. Oomph! They swing open, and the onslaught begins.

  The restaurant is packed. The rats spread out and tear across the floor. One woman is pointing frantically, the blood drained from her face.

  ‘RATS!!’

  Now everyone is screaming, leaping out of their chairs or on to their chairs as the rats scramble up the tablecloths.

  Chef Claude bursts through the swing doors, waving a carving knife in one hand, a rolling pin in the other. As he bounces around the restaurant, stabbing tabletops and smashing wine glasses, the screaming gets louder. Desperate diners fight to get out the door, as rodent gangsters sink long yellow teeth into their ankles.

  Claude keeps yelling something untranslatable. He’s throwing over his own tables just to get the rats off them, but they aren’t taking any notice. Everyone is completely focused on gathering mouthfuls, no, armfuls of food. In fact, there’s so much of it lying around that Vinny is leading a small team of sharpshooters in gathering up some of the deadlier items – mussels, black olives, profiteroles – and hurling them at Claude’s reddening face.

  I’m suddenly aware that I’m standing with Tina and the rest of Nev’s family – but the rats are far too busy to notice. I’m also wondering where those other chefs have got to. I glance up at the kitchen doors behind us. Four terrified faces are pressed against the little round windows. I can safely say they’ve no intention of coming through; but then, there’s no harm in making sure, especially when there’s so much fun to be had. So I grab a juicy big scallop and lob it at the nearest window. The four faces duck out of sight. Tina and I give each other a high five.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ breathes Pip. ‘Look out, Rocco.’

  I spin around to find a man – tousled and food-splattered – tiptoeing towards me. He has a crazy determined look in his eyes, and his hands are outstretched.

  I flatten myself to the floor, showing him my gaping jaws and sharp teeth. So, fiend, you plan to seize hold of me, but see, your soft pink fingers will not withstand my fearsome—

  Wait a minute. Who is this, stepping out from behind him? I now see this man is working for someone! It’s a child! A boy, just like Gary … Maybe skinnier, but no less evil.

  ‘Get him, Daddy, get him!’ shouts the evil boy.

  But I’ve an assistant of my own.

  ‘Tina!’ I cry. She’s already at my side. ‘I’ll deal with the tiny terror! Now show his dad your four-footed scissor jabs!’

  ‘Right on!’

  Tina springs. The man lunges. As he feebly makes a grab at me, I simply dodge to one side.

  Tina races up his trouser leg. He’s screaming and hopping around – she’s unleashing all her martial arts moves, right behind his knee. Now he’s waving his leg around frantically. He’s trying to shake her out, but the other mice are already pounding him with low-flying chunks of cheese.

  I turn my attention to the s
maller foe: my arch-enemy. He is creeping towards me with a greedy look on his face.

  Come on then, you pint-sized halfwit. I’ve learned a few new tricks since the last time I outsmarted the likes of you.

  He makes a dive.

  I run between his grubby sneakers: piece of cake.

  He’s chasing me, of course. ‘Hamster! Hamster!’ he yells. ‘Come back!’

  Come back?! Do you think I have a tiny brain?

  He attempts a snatch! I slip easily through his bony fingers.

  But that’s enough already – it’s time to shut this criminal down. I’m looking for inspiration as I dart this way and that.

  I see chairs lying everywhere … upturned tables, tablecloths, puddles of red wine … I’m running between rats, rats carrying food, rats chasing screeching diners … weaving between the diners’ feet, but I can’t seem to lose him, I can hear him giggling right behind me …

  Splattered soup, half-eaten chicken, breadsticks …

  Breadsticks! That’s it!

  I am reminded of a magical moment: a cocktail stick, a bicycle chained to a railing, a couple of squished rats!

  I turn sharply, almost running back the way I came. Ha! He didn’t see that coming, and now he’s standing stupidly, staring after me. I’ve already got a breadstick in my hands. That’s right – I’m grasping it at one end …

  And now I’m running with it, two-legged style … straight towards the nasty boy, whose mouth is open.

  That’s right! You’d BETTER turn and run!

  At last, it is I who gives chase! And here’s just what I need, coming right up – a squashed éclair! I drop the far end of my breadstick into the cream—

  It sticks!

  Just like that day in the lane: a perfect pole vault, and here I am – hanging on to the scoundrel’s shorts! He’s swatting at me, but I’ve already climbed up his back pocket.

  ‘THIS IS FOR ALL THE POCKET-MONEY PETS!’ I cry.

  I sink my teeth deep into my enemy’s rump.

  ‘AAAAHHHH!! DADDYYYY!!’

  I drop to the floor.

  I chuck an olive at him as he runs for the door. It smacks him on his nibbled rear.

  His dad runs past me, also fleeing for the door. I’m suddenly reminded of Tina. Now I’m racing back towards the kitchen – but of course, I needn’t have feared. Tina is standing with the other mice. She salutes me.

  ‘Tina,’ I tell her, ‘you are a martial arts hero at last.’

  ‘And you’ve just started the rebellion!’ she declares. ‘Imprisoned rodents everywhere will be freed from their human captors!’

  I like that – but it sounds like a mission for another day. And so at last, we begin to eat. As I take my first mouthful of omelette, delicately sprinkled with something green, I’m suddenly aware of how hungry I am. We munch on trampled crêpes and squashed cheese, crumbs of baguette and flecks of soufflé.

  As for Chef Claude, he’s shouting and screaming, and – ah – flinging a wine bottle at Vinny and the crack shots …

  SMASH.

  There goes the front window. He seems very determined to destroy his own restaurant, but I suspect it’s the health inspector who’ll finish the job.

  34

  The New Big Cheese

  I am standing atop Minestroni’s old brick.

  ‘Let’s hear it for the new Big Cheese!’ someone hollers.

  ‘HOORAAAH!’ comes the chorus, amid loud applause.

  ‘First Big Cheese we’ve ever ’ad who got there by doin’ some good, ’stead of by murd’rin’ folks,’ says a rat at the front of the crowd.

  Everyone presses closer to my brick, arms outstretched.

  ‘C’mon boss! Jump!’

  I close my eyes and jump. Now I’m being passed around the crowd, held high while everyone chants my name. This is my moment, at long last. Everybody wants to follow me, to be just like me, to conquer the world with me.

  As my feet finally touch the floor, I turn to face my merry gang.

  ‘Thank you!’ I cry. ‘The hard part is over. We’ve found our true courage. Now it’s up to each one of us how we use it. But first, let’s party.’

  Of course, the rats need no such invitation. As I stand here, watching them laughing and stuffing themselves with gourmet goodies, picking fights over the tastiest ones, I can feel a lump in my throat. Isn’t this all I’ve ever wanted?

  Not quite. There’s something else.

  No one is paying the slightest bit of attention, so I slip from the chamber and steal along the pipe, all the way to the mouse house.

  Nev’s family are waiting.

  ‘All right,’ I tell them, ‘the party is young. I’d say the timing’s about right.’

  ‘Thanks Rocco,’ says Nev’s dad. ‘Just keep an eye out, make sure no one leaves the chamber for at least the next ten minutes. That should give us enough time to get Nev and Dwayne out of that bottle and make our way to the surface.’

  ‘The old Big Cheese’s bodyguards are on duty, guarding the bottle,’ adds Uncle Alfie. ‘We’re taking the teaspoon to knock them out.’

  ‘Have no fear,’ says Tina, boxing the air. ‘I’ll take care of those two.’

  ‘And a fine job you’d do too, Tina,’ I tell her, ‘but I can’t let you. You see, there’s a much safer way to get past them.’ Everyone looks at me, confused. ‘Someone’s got to tell them to go join the party.’

  ‘But they won’t take orders from anyone except the Big Cheese,’ says Pip. ‘And that means you.’

  ‘Exactly. I have to go down there and send them on their way. If they see Nev’s own family coming, they’ll know it’s a rescue mission – but not so if it’s just me.’

  ‘No Rocco!’ cries Tina. ‘What are you saying? If you do that everyone’ll know you’re the one who rescued Nev and Dwayne!’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘But that means you won’t get to be Big Cheese any more! They’ll be after your blood! Again!’

  ‘It’s all true.’

  Tina seems to shrink before my eyes. Her fur is matted with tears. ‘But you wanted to be a great leader,’ she whispers. ‘You can’t give that up now.’

  I shrug. I was practising my not-too-bothered face before the party – but you know, now it comes to it … even though it hurts to achieve my dream and then give it all up again, I know it’s the right thing to do. So I’m really not too bothered after all.

  ‘Nev and Dwayne are in trouble,’ I say. ‘That’s all that matters now. I know all of you would face any danger for them, but I can’t just stand by and not help. And besides … I think there’s a different kind of gang I’d rather be a member of.’

  Wow. Another new emotion is welling up inside me … No, actually it’s not so new; I felt this before, a long time ago. It feels warm, and kind of safe.

  Tina wipes her eyes. ‘Our mousy family gang?’ she asks.

  ‘Exactly.’

  The mice surround me in a group hug. And now I remember: my mother, my brothers and sisters, curled up close before we were separated forever. This is how it feels to be loved – not just adored for what you’ve done, or the reputation you’ve got, but loved for being you, no matter what. Maybe this is what I’ve been searching for, and I didn’t even know it. I wanted to belong, and now I do. Now I really do.

  ‘Oh Rocco,’ sighs Nev’s mum, ‘I’m sorry for ever saying you were a liability.’ I don’t remember her saying that, but never mind. ‘You’re an extraordinary, inspiring hamster – any sewer rat can see that – but you know what real courage is all about: doing the right thing and doing it for others. That’s what makes you so brave. I’m so proud to have you as the newest member of our family.’

  ‘Hear hear,’ says Nev’s dad.

  The lump is back in my throat, and is threatening to choke me. But we’re not ou
t of danger yet, and I just hope I’ve kept some of that extraordinary inspirational braveness in reserve …

  Just kidding – you know me by now.

  ‘Okay,’ I tell them, ‘meet me – I mean us – under the bridge in five minutes.’

  ‘You got it.’ Tina makes a fist. ‘Let’s do this thing.’

  ‘Go quick, Rocco,’ says Nev’s dad, ‘before anyone notices you’ve left the chamber.’

  I nod, and do exactly as he suggests.

  35

  Rocco the Reinvented

  (But Still Fantastic)

  I stomp along the pipe towards the two huge guards. In the light from the stump of candle in front of them, I can see they look nervous.

  ‘My friends!’ I laugh, but with a menacing edge, hopefully. ‘Why are you still standing here? The party’s up there!’ I point back up the pipe. ‘There’s fancy food and all sorts!’

  ‘But, boss, what about—’

  ‘Guarding that bottle?’ I wave a hand dismissively. ‘I’ll take a turn! I intend to be a hands-on leader, so why not start now? Besides, I haven’t had a chance to speak personally with our two mischief-makers! As in make horrible threats, hahaha!’

  The guards are clearly desperate to accept my offer. ‘Yeah, sure thing, boss. You’re the boss an’ all.’

  ‘Yes I am! And you look like you could use a snack!’

  The pair waddle up the pipe as fast as they are able. As I hurry towards the bottle I can see Nev and Dwayne lying inside. Nev is waving weakly.

  ‘Give me two seconds!’ I say.

  I unscrew the cap with both hands, and as it drops off Nev sticks out his head and gasps for breath. Quickly he slides out of the bottle. ‘Thank you Rocco!’ He looks confused. ‘But what are you doing here? The guards told us the cats are gone and you’re the new Big Cheese.’

  ‘I sure am. Which I figure is pretty much everything I set out to achieve here, so there’s no point in hanging around. Now is there room for one more in your escape party or not?’

  Nev looks at me like he wants to say something but can’t think of the words. ‘Of course there is,’ he says instead. Now he’s smiling. ‘You know Rocco, you might be just a little bit nuts, but you’re the best friend any mouse could ask for.’