Shadows and Lies

by Karen Reis

  Did that mean he loved me?

  Either way, I just wanted to go home and fall into bed.

  Chapter 9

  We arrived at the complex, I parked, and we both walked upstairs. I unlocked my apartment and Sean followed me in without an invitation. I sat down on a chair in my sitting area, my purse on the floor, and he just stood there before me, staring at me.

  Then he began to pace.

  Well, something heavy was obviously weighing on his mind. Feeling the need to break the silence, which was becoming uncomfortable, I asked, “Do you want some water?”

  “What?” he asked, startled out of his thoughts. He frowned at me. “You ran after those two boys without a thought to your own safety, didn’t you?”

  His question wasn’t accusatory. He sounded more curious than mad, in fact. Curious myself as to what was going on inside that shiny, bald dome of his, I answered, “No. Are you mad?”

  Sean shook his head. “Yes. And no. You really weren’t afraid to go after them?”

  I shrugged. “No. Besides, they ran away after I called out for them to stop. They were cowards. There wasn’t any reason to be afraid. Maybe I was too angry to be afraid.”

  Sean studied me, and I looked down at my hands, nervous suddenly. “I’m usually a huge coward,” I added quickly. “I generally hate confrontations, and instead of standing up for myself, I normally end up crying.”

  “You stood up for yourself and me to Nancy very well tonight,” Sean pointed out.

  “An exception to the rule, believe me,” I said bitterly.

  Sean came and sat down in the chair next to me. “And you always argue with me,” he continued.

  “You don’t treat me like I’m a worthless nobody who can’t ever do anything right,” I answered quietly.

  “I think you’re very brave. Sometimes a little reckless, but always brave. You may not see it, Carrie, but you are.”

  I looked up at him, made brave by his kind words.

  He reached out and gently touched my cheek. “You’re also very tough, I think.”

  “Yeah, right,” I said in a voice that had become choked. “Then why am I starting to tear up now?”

  Sean grinned. “Because you’re a girl and that’s what girls do. It doesn’t mean you’re not brave. It doesn’t mean that you don’t stare down fear and go charging into the thick of things.”

  I wiped my eyes. “So maybe I’m brave. So what?”

  “So…” he hesitated and rubbed a hand nervously over his head. “So, I need to tell you something. Something really important.”

  I sat up straight, on the alert now. “What is it?”

  “I’ve been…slowly – steadily…for a long time…” He grimaced, knowing that he wasn’t doing a good job of expressing himself. “I’ve liked you for a long time Carrie. Even before you would talk to me, I liked you. I thought you were pretty, but you were sad. Then I got my chance at the shower, and I’ve told you all about me, and you’ve accepted that. Accepted me for who I am. That means the world to me.”

  I nodded, unsure where he was taking this, though I did hope and wish for him to say certain words to me. Three words, in fact.

  “I’m crazy about you, Carrie. You drive me crazy.”

  Sean stopped talking, and I just waited. I could feel that he was not done speaking; he was gathering his courage. My stomach was tied in knots, yet I waited patiently.

  “I – I love you.” Sean let out a breath, as if relieved to finally have it out. “I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  I couldn’t help it. My eyes swam with tears that I wiped away with the back of my hand. “That’s very coincidental,” I said in a wobbly voice. “Because I have too.”

  I expected Sean to grab me up and kiss the stuffing out of me, but he just sat still, not even touching me.

  “Do you really?” he asked me. “Are you sure?”

  I nodded. “Yes. I love you.”

  He grabbed my hands up in his. He was very tense. “If I asked you to run away with me tomorrow, if I asked you to marry me tomorrow, could you do that? Could you maybe envision living the next 50 years with me?”

  Again, he was asking the most oddly probing questions. There had to be a reason behind it. “Don’t you think it’s kind of soon to be talking about running away together?” I asked.

  Sean shook his head. “I want a family. I want a wife and I want a couple of kids. I want to buy a house with a white fence and bay windows with a big back yard and a tree house. I want to be a father, a good one. I need to be with someone who wants those things too.”

  “Oh,” I said. I took a deep breath and studied his face. I knew that he made me happy. I knew that with him I was safe. I knew that one day I wanted a husband and maybe some kids too. If I couldn’t picture myself with Sean, whom I knew that I loved, than there had to be something wrong with me.

  “I can picture it,” I finally said. It wasn’t like he was asking for a commitment today anyways.

  Sean took a deep breath as if to steady himself. He leaned forward and put his forehead to mine. “That’s real good. In that case, I need to tell you something, one last thing about me. If you decide you can’t handle it, I’ll understand, but I think you’re brave enough and strong enough to handle it. No one knows what I’m going to tell you, Carrie. Not Isaac, not Genny, not my boss, not anyone. If I tell you this, you have to swear first that you won’t, on pain of death, ever tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.”

  Whoa. Sean was dead serious. I trusted him though, and I nodded my consent. That wasn’t good enough for him though. “Do you swear, Carrie?” he asked earnestly.

  I swallowed the tension that created a lump in my throat and I said the words. “Yes. I swear I won’t tell a soul.”

  He nodded and took a better grip on my hands, only them lightly but firmly. He was so tense, and that made me nervous. Sean closed his eyes for a moment as if praying, then opened them and looked me straight in the eye.

  “I didn’t start out life as Sean Whalen. Sean is a name I was given about three years ago.”

  I blinked, not understanding. “Given?”

  Sean rubbed my anxiously. “By the Feds after I swapped information on my old boss’s operation in exchange for my life.”

  I frowned at him. “The Feds gave you the name Sean. Is this for real?”

  He nodded. “This is the part you have to swear to never tell.” He leaned forward and put his lips to my ear, as if he were afraid there was someone else in my apartment who could overhear him. “I’m in the Witness Protection Program.”

  I jerked my hands out his so fast. “What?” I exclaimed. “What did you say?”

  “You heard me,” he said uncomfortably. “I’m not going to repeat it.”

  I stood up. I couldn’t help myself. It was impossible to sit for me to sit down. I started pacing up and down the room, trying to wrap my mind around what he had just told me. I found that I couldn’t do it, so I sat back down. “Explain,” I demanded.

  “My boss is in jail, for now. He would like nothing more than to find me and kill me; in fact he did try. That’s why I’m in the program. If he ever gets out, he’ll want to come after me. If the goons that are still loyal to him on the outside ever find me, they’ll try to kill me. I’ve been in the program for five years now. I’ve been here in Vegas as Sean for three. I’ve been safe here. No one has found me here.”

  “Well, this certainly explains the weird questions you’ve been asking me today,” I snapped. “Do you really expect me to just…walk away from everything I’ve ever known and go into – into exile with you?”

  “I’m not a bad man, Carrie,” Sean told me earnestly. “I’ve changed, and I want the things any normal man wants: a wife, kids. I want a life. I want companionship.”

  “Is there ever going to be a time when you won’t have to look over your shoulder? Are you ever going to be able to go back to living under your real name?”

  Sean shook his head. “Probably
not.”

  “Then how can you even think of bringing a child into your situation?” I asked him. “Do you expect me to live in fear for the rest of my life, knowing that at any day or time, some creep could leap out from around the corner and kill you or me or our kids?”

  Sean’s shoulders slumped. “I want a family, Carrie.”

  “I don’t know if I can give that to you, Sean,” I said. “You’re asking a lot.”

  Sean stood up. “I guess I’ll just say goodnight then.” He couldn’t look me in the eye.

  “Sean!” I called as he was about to leave, his hand on my door knob. He looked back at me, hope flickering in his eyes. It killed me to see that hope. “I won’t tell,” I told him. “And I do love you,” I had to admit. “Just let me think about it.”

  He nodded, accepting what I could give him, though it was not much, and then left.

  So much for going to sleep. I lay on my back in my bed, my eyes refusing to shut. I kept going over everything Sean had said to me, everything he’d ever told me about himself. I was upset with him, but I couldn’t understand why. He had never lied to me, I knew that. He doled out information about himself slowly, carefully. He had not wanted me to run away from him in fear, I knew. He had wanted me to get used to him and to his past.

  He wanted me.

  The question was did I want him? Did I want him badly enough that I’d be willing to give up my family, my friends, and even Judy, because that’s what it would mean to get serious with him, and he wanted something serious. He wanted a family.

  So did I.

  But I was only 21. I had plenty of time to find someone normal to settle down with. I believed the saying that there’s only one person in the world meant for you is a myth. But did I want to take that chance? Sean was a gentleman. He was kind and looked out for me. He set me on fire when he kissed me, but in all the nights that I had stayed at his place, he had never once pushed me to sleep with him. And I knew that he did want to sleep with me.

  He was a good man. How many good men were left in this world? How many rotten ones would I have to sift through before I found another guy like him? Was there any man like Sean? He had courage, and he had changed his life over into something better. How many men – how many people – had the courage to do that? And how many of them would give me a second look?

  I trusted Sean too. I trusted him enough to cry in front of him. I trusted him enough to let him comfort me, to put his arms around me. I wanted to be loved. I wanted something stable, I wanted something permanent.

  Sean was stable, I knew. But his life was not.

  Would being with him, would marrying him, mean that I would have to enter the Witness Protection Program too? Without a doubt. I wouldn’t be called Carrie anymore. I wouldn’t be able to contact my sisters, or Judy or Genny. I would be erased.

  My hands grew clammy at that thought.

  It came down to Sean vs. my life. That’s what he’d been asking me earlier in the day. Could I give up everything for him? Could I sacrifice everything and go into hiding with him?

  At about 2 am, I pounded on Sean’s door with my fist. It took him a long time to answer; he was likely asleep, as I should have been. But I couldn’t sleep. I had to let him know my decision. Waiting several more hours to tell him was simply unbearable. Sean flung his door open, obviously thinking there was some sort of emergency. He was wearing only a white undershirt and blue boxer shorts.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked me as he rubbed sleep from his eyes.

  I shook my head. “Nothing is wrong.”

  He frowned at me and rubbed a hand over his face. “Do you know what time it is?”

  I nodded. “Two in the morning.”

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  “I’ve been thinking about what you told me,” I said in a rush. “And I’ve come to a decision about us.”

  Still not looking quite awake, or happy for that matter, Sean braced his hands on the frame of his door. “Oh yeah? What have you decided?”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but my courage failed me at that moment. I couldn’t say the words that I needed to say.

  So I reached up, pulled Sean’s head down to mine, and kissed him on the mouth.

  To say that Sean was surprised would be an understatement. It took him a second to recognize what I was telling him, but when he did he began to return my kiss, wrapping his arms around me. Pulling me close, his mouth moved over mine and my arms snaked around his neck. I don’t know how it happened, but soon I was inside his apartment and he had closed his door. He backed me up against the wall, cradling my head in his hands. I felt so good, so happy, that when he pulled his mouth from mine I wanted to cry.

  “I need you say the words, Carrie,” Sean whispered. He kissed me gently on my mouth, my cheeks, my neck. “Please, say the words.”

  “I – I want to be with you,” I said, my voice cracking. “I could give up everything for you. I don’t know about kids – that’s something we’ll have to discuss, but as for me…I can give you me.”

  Sean sighed, resting his forehead against mine. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

  The relief in his voice, the way his hands caressed my skin, made my eyes tear up and I knew that I had made the right choice.

  “I know that it might not always be easy,” I said quietly. “Living the life you do. But all you need is love, right?”

  Sean smiled and kissed me. “That’s what they say.”

  Dear Dad,

  This will be a short one. Barbara cheated on you yes, but have you ever stopped to wonder what role you might have had in her cheating? After observing you for so many years, I think that there might be good reason for you to perhaps ask yourself this question.

  Because you drive the people around you crazy.

  With Much Confusion

  Your Daughter

  Chapter 10

  Sean had to leave for work at 7:30 am. He was tired because he had not gotten much sleep, but he was also happy because I was his. His smile also might have had something to do with the fact that I had stayed the night in his home, but not on his couch.

  Anyhow, I beat a hasty retreat back to my apartment when he left. I had a busy day ahead of me. I had to call in sick at work so that I could help my sisters get the rest of their things cleared out of our parent’s house and into a storage shed, a task which would likely take most of the day. Clarissa recruited Michael, one of her two sons – her other son Pete having moved to Texas a few months before – to help us girls move. He helpfully brought with him his truck and his man muscles, and so with the four of us working, we got all of my sisters’ stuff loaded and out in no less than four trips. Thank the lord that the majority of their stuff was already in boxes out back or we wouldn’t have gotten them out in four months let alone four trips.

  Neither Nancy nor my dad was around the entire time we were packing up. I poked around in their bedroom, curious to see if Nancy had left my dad like I suggested. Their closets and dressers were full though and nothing had been taken from their bathroom. They were both apparently still in the state, though it was anyone’s guess as to where they could be.

  Michael poked his head into the master bedroom. “Mom came by here last night, Carrie. Nancy was gone, but your dad was here.”

  I thanked him for the heads up. “Did Clarissa chew him out like she said she would?”

  Michael shook his head. “She told me that he just looked so pathetic that she didn’t have the heart. You’re going to hate this, but she fixed him dinner instead and then left.”

  I shook my head in disgust. “You’re right. She shouldn’t have done that.”

  Even though it was not hot out, moving all my sister’s things was hard work. When we were done and back at Clarissa’s house for a late lunch, I think I was the only one still smiling and full of energy. Vanessa repeatedly asked me what I was so happy about, but I didn’t tell her. I didn’t think it was an appropriate moment to tell eve
ryone that I was in serious relationship with a good man who had made love with just last night.

  My conscience panged me at that moment. What would they say when they found out? Nancy wouldn’t be surprised, that was for sure. She already thought I was a whore.

  My smile faded.

  I guess right there was the answer to why I would accept Sean and the kind of life he offered me. My relationship with Sean was healthy. It was not based on guilt, jealousy, lies or dissatisfaction, and he certainly did not abuse me.

  On my way back to home, I called Sean’s cellphone just because I wanted to hear his voice. That morning he had left me with a warm kiss and a wish that he could be there to help me move my sisters. “Let me know when you’re done,” he’d told me. “I want to make sure you’re okay.”

  Yep. I made the right choice.

  Sean picked up. “Hey, baby, what’s up?”

  My face turned red when he called me baby, and I was glad there was no one in my car to see me flush despite the fact that him calling me that made me deliriously happy. “I’m just calling to tell you that we’re done with the move. It went smoothly. When do you get off work?”

  “At five,” Sean replied. There was a pause and it sounded like Sean was moving away from where he was, which sounded like the front desk area by the background noises I heard. I heard a door close, and from the way it echoed it sounded like he was in a bathroom or something.

  “I’m not going to be home for a while though. I – I have to meet with my handler. I have to tell him about you.”

  “You sound nervous,” I said worriedly.

  “I am,” Sean said. “A little. He’s going to blow a gasket when he finds out I told you about me. I couldn’t tell him anything when I told him I needed to see him – my line wasn’t secure. He might put me protective custody while he checks you out. You need prepare to be visited by some people in suits in the next day or two. They’ll be asking you some very personal questions.”

  “Okay, I’m ready for that,” I replied confidently, though the idea scared me. “When am I going to see you though?”