Only Lover

by Carole Mortimer

  ‘I can’t do that,’ she shook her head. ‘It’s impossible.’

  ‘Is he such a good lover that you can’t leave him? I can’t believe you actually love the man. He’s cold and ruthless, and he’ll only ever hurt you.’

  ‘Like you’re doing?’ she choked over the words. ‘You’re too late with all this advice. I love him, you see. I think I did from the moment I first met him.’ And she knew it was irrevocably true. She loved Joel, loved him enough to wish that none of this was pretence, that he really did love her enough to drop Laura Bennett for her. But he didn’t. He found her physically attractive, and perhaps that was enough for now, but she knew that eventually she would want more than that, that she would want his love too.

  ‘Oh God!’ Her father dropped tiredly into an armchair. ‘How can you, Farrah? How can you!’

  She moved to kneel before him, taking his hands away from his downbent head and holding them tightly between her own. ‘It just happened, Daddy. Look, you know how it was with you and Mummy, how you fell in love with each other at first sight? Well, it was like that with me. I tried to fight it, I know his reputation, but it makes no difference. I love him.’

  ‘Good God!’ her father groaned. ‘He ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him so too.’

  ‘You—you told him?’ Her brow creased in puzzlement. ‘When did you see him?’

  ‘I didn’t.’ He pushed back his grey-streaked brown hair. ‘He telephoned this evening too.’

  Farrah sat back on her heels. ‘He telephoned? Tonight?

  ‘Yes. I suppose I should have told you earlier, but I was so angry about Beth’s call that I just lost my temper.’

  ‘Er—what did he want?’ She tried to sound casual, but there was an eagerness in her voice that she couldn’t disguise.

  ‘To speak to you, of course, child,’ he answered impatiently.

  ‘And did you—did you tell him that I was out with Nigel?’ She waited with bated breath for his answer.

  ‘Well, he asked, so I told him,’ her father admitted guiltily.

  ‘Oh, Daddy!’ Huge tears gathered in her eyes. Almost the last thing Joel had said to her was that she wasn’t to see Nigel again. What on earth must he think of her? More to the point, what had her father said to him?

  ‘And I gave him a piece of my mind,’ he further admitted.

  She sighed resignedly. ‘What did you say to him?’

  ‘Only that he ought to know better than to be carrying on an affair with a teenager, that I found the whole thing disgusting, and I wanted him to stop seeing you.’

  ‘And his reply?’ Her eyes were full of apprehension.

  ‘He politely but firmly told me to mind my own business. I must say, I expected something stronger from him.’

  ‘And his reaction to my being out with Nigel?’ She felt that the answer to this question would be more important.

  ‘Chilling silence,’ came the quick response. ‘He rang off straight after that, without actually stating his reason for calling you in the first place.’

  Farrah stood up. ‘I don’t think that really matters now, Joel won’t call back.’

  Her father looked at her closely. ‘Because of Nigel?’

  ‘He didn’t want me to see him again, in fact, he made a point of asking me not to.’

  ‘Then why did you, if he made such a thing about it?’

  She began to pace up and down the room. ‘I did it because I was hurt, out of spite, I suppose. But I never actually thought Joel would find out. That sounds rather silly in the circumstances, but it’s true. I met Nigel out of childish pique and regretted it immediately. I’d just learnt from you that Joel left today, and not yesterday as I thought, and I suppose I was jealous. But when I was out I realised I didn’t have any right to be, if Joel chose to say goodbye to me yesterday that’s his affair. I don’t have any right to object.’

  ‘Then you should have if he can dictate your friends. It should work both ways, Farrah.’

  She smiled wanly. ‘Not with someone like Joel.’

  ‘Then you’re well out of it. Nigel’s more your type, you should stick to him.’

  ‘Too late, Daddy, Nigel’s going to America early next week.’

  ‘And you don’t think Falcone will call you again?’

  ‘I’m sure of it.’

  Her father stood up, putting an arm about her shoulders. ‘Then I’m glad. I realise you don’t feel the same way at the moment, but you will. Just give it a little time.’

  ‘More than a little, I’m afraid,’ she said dejectedly.

  ‘I’m sorry, Farrah,’ he looked at her closely. ‘Maybe if I’d realised how much you love him …’

  ‘You would still have acted the same,’ she told him. ‘You’re trying to protect me, I realise that.’

  She lay awake a long time that night, her thoughts all of Joel. Would she see him again? Their relationship had gone past pretence now, and Joel would genuinely not like her having seen Nigel. And yet why had Joel parted from her yesterday, who had he seen yesterday evening, the eve of his departure? There were so many questions she wanted answering and no one to answer them.

  Why had Joel called her all the way from America? It must have been very important for him to go to all that trouble. Her thoughts plagued her long into the night, and she found it difficult to even think about sleep. Would she ever see Joel again? She had told her father, firmly, no. And yet couldn’t Joel be cruel enough to make her go through with their bargain, and be all the more determined because she had defied him? Oh God, she hoped so! To see him was all she asked.

  No matter how she tried she couldn’t wipe out the memory of their last meeting, of the way he had kissed and caressed her to fever pitch, until she had thought he would make love to her there and then. And she would have let him! None of her past inhibitions seemed important when she was with him, and she had no thought of denial when she was in his arms.

  Joel didn’t deserve to live his life through without love, without the warmth and passion of a woman who loved him above others. And she was that woman! Well, a girl really, but in the strength of his arms she became a woman, a woman who more than equalled his passion, if not experience.

  Joel wanted her, he admitted as much, and she could tell his desire for her at his slightest touch. Would it be enough? Could she let herself be taken, and then later discarded? Did she love him enough to let it be so, or could it be that she loved him too little to let such a thing happen? She didn’t know! Oh God, what could she do, trapped between her love for him and the desire she could not deny, or even wanted to.

  She turned over with a groan. The clock said two o’clock, and she hadn’t had any sleep at all. It could be days before Joel returned, he had been unsure of the length of his stay, and she hadn’t liked to press him. Was every night he was away to be spent in passionate longing for him, in this sleepless void that caused her only agony of mind and body?

  Seconds, minutes, or could it have been hours later, the telephone began ringing, and kept ringing until Farrah dragged herself out of the restless sleep she had fallen into, where a bell kept ringing and ringing, until it became a reality. Her movements were slow and sluggish, and it took her quite a few minutes to get her thoughts together enough to put on her wrap and go out into the hallway where the telephone was situated.

  Her father was there before her, and she looked at him through sleepy eyes as he lifted the receiver. Within seconds he was handing the receiver over to her, his expression weary. ‘Doesn’t the damn man realise it’s five o’clock in the morning!’ He walked away shaking his head, his bedroom door closing quietly behind him.

  Farrah raised the telephone to her ear with a shaking hand. ‘Yes?’ she asked breathlessly.

  ‘Farrah?’ came the terse reply.

  Joel! Oh God, it was Joel! But who else would it have been, only he was arrogant enough to telephone at this time of the morning. ‘Do you realise what the time is?’ she asked stupidly.


  ‘Of course I damn well do!’ he snapped back, his voice so clear it almost sounded as if he were in the next room. If only he were! ‘I spoke to your father earlier.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Then you also know he told me of your meeting with Nigel? God, Farrah, I only went out of the country today!’

  ‘I know, Joel, at least I do now. Why did you say goodbye to me yesterday?’ It was a question that had bothered her all evening, and she had to know the answer, no matter how angry it made him.

  ‘I didn’t call you to answer damn fool questions!’ he answered impatiently.

  ‘By why, Joel? Why! Just answer me that.’

  ‘All right. All right! I said goodbye to you yesterday because I didn’t want to see you again before I left.’

  ‘I see.’ She bit her lip at his callousness.

  ‘Do you? I doubt it. You can’t begin to understand my feelings in anything. Were you so desperate for male company that you accepted this Nigel’s invitation as soon as my back was turned? Or was it already arranged between the two of you and I conveniently left you to it?’

  There could be no doubt in her mind that Joel was furiously angry with her. And yet why should he be any more angry than she! ‘You have no right to say such things. I told you Nigel had finished with me. I didn’t lie.’

  ‘You said he had finished with you, but obviously you didn’t feel the same way. What a little fraud you are, Farrah. And I said they were unawakened eyes!’ he said in disgust.

  ‘What are you saying now? That I lied to you about that too?’

  ‘Why not? The first day I saw you I thought your innocence too good to be true. Those eyes of yours lie, Farrah, and you lied too. You couldn’t wait for me to leave before getting in touch with your past lover, could you? I should have taken you when I had the chance! And I had the chance so many times, didn’t I?’ he taunted sneeringly. ‘Your protestations were mere words of denial while your body said otherwise. You’re just like all women, Farrah, you can’t be without a man for long.’

  ‘Oh God, Joel, what are you saying to me?’ Her eyes were wide with horror.

  ‘That you’re nothing but a slut, like Laura, like all goddamned women! Nothing less than a common little—’

  ‘Do you honestly believe that?’ she cut in, her voice shaking with emotion.

  ‘Oh, I believe it. I rarely say things I don’t mean.’

  Her answer was to slowly put down the receiver and go back to her bedroom. That Joel should say such things to her, that he should believe such things. How could he! She threw herself down on the bed, her body racked by deep sobs. To say such things! That she was a slut, and to liken her to Laura whom he despised almost to hatred. Oh, how could she bear it? How could she bear it!

  Her sobs finally ceased and she fell asleep again, her cheeks tear-wet and her eyes red-rimmed from crying so much. And that was how her father found her an hour later when he came to wake her. Still dressed in her wrap, and draped across the coverlet of her bed, she lay with her cheek cradled into her hand like a baby, and Paul Halliday felt a burning anger towards Joel Falcone. What was the man doing to his little girl to make her so unhappy, the callous devil?

  He shook her shoulder gently. ‘Farrah? Come on, baby, wake up!’

  Her eyes felt sore as she opened them, and she felt cold from her lack of clothing. ‘Wh—what it is, Daddy? Is something wrong?’

  Her father sighed. ‘He’s on the telephone again, baby. He wants to talk to you.’

  Farrah was fully awake now. She pushed back the hair from her forehead, blinking rapidly. ‘I don’t want to speak to him,’ she said dully.

  ‘He was afraid of that. He says you put the telephone down on him the last time.’

  ‘I did. What else did he say?’

  ‘Only that he has to speak to you.’

  She shook her head. ‘Tell him no, Daddy. I won’t talk to him.’

  Her father stood up. ‘He isn’t going to like it.’

  ‘I couldn’t give a damn what he likes!’ she flared. ‘I don’t want any more to do with him.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll tell him.’

  Within seconds he was back again. ‘He’s very insistent, Farrah,’ he told her. ‘He won’t be put off. I think you should just talk to him.’

  Farrah shook her head again. ‘No, thanks, Daddy. Not just so that he can hurl verbal abuse at me again.’

  ‘Is that what he did? My God, he’s got a nerve!’

  She smiled wanly. ‘He thinks he has good reason. Just tell him that I won’t speak to him.’

  ‘Is that your final word?’

  ‘No, my final word is to tell him to go to hell! I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel.’

  She was back in bed, the covers pulled firmly over her, when her father came back. She looked at him enquiringly. ‘He hung up,’ he confirmed. ‘And he said to tell you he’s half way to hell already. And I guess he is, I’m sure he’s been drinking.’

  CHAPTER TEN

  ‘IT’S for you, Farrah,’ Fiona held out the telephone receiver to her. ‘Mr Falcone again.’

  Farrah shook her head. ‘Tell him I’m out of the office.’

  Fiona sighed. ‘I told him that this morning. I don’t think he’ll believe me a second time, in fact, I don’t think he believed me the first time.’

  ‘Tell him anything you like, then. I don’t want to talk to him.’ She turned away.

  ‘I gathered that,’ Fiona replied dryly. ‘Okay, if that’s the way you feel.’

  ‘It is,’ Farrah said firmly.

  ‘All right. Mr Falcone?’ she spoke into the receiver. ‘Farrah isn’t here at the moment, can I take a message?’ A slight pause while she pointedly ignored Farrah’s frantic shaking of her head. ‘Fiona Mason,’ she supplied. ‘That’s right. Yes, Mr Falcone, I quite understand. I’ll tell her.’

  ‘Well,’ she turned to Farrah once she had rung off, ‘aren’t you interested in what he had to say?’

  ‘Not particularly,’ Farrah lied.

  ‘Oh, then I won’t bother to tell you,’ Fiona said casually.

  ‘Don’t tease, Fiona.’ Her hands trembled. ‘Tell me!’

  ‘I don’t see why you couldn’t have spoken to him yourself. All right, all right, I gather you have your reasons. He told me to tell you he’s sorry, for what he didn’t say, but I think you know.’

  Farrah’s eyes widened. ‘He said he was sorry?’

  ‘Mmm. It must have been some argument for him to keep phoning you like this. That’s the fourth call in three days.’

  ‘He telephoned twice on Saturday and once on Sunday too,’ she admitted ruefully. ‘And it wasn’t exactly an argument, more a lack of trust on his part.’

  ‘Well, surely you can see for yourself that he’s regretting whatever happened. You can’t go on punishing a man of his type for ever, he’ll just find someone else.’

  ‘Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing,’ Farrah said slowly. ‘For both of us.’

  Fiona shook her head. ‘Not for you, and certainly not for him. You’ve been walking about like a ghost all week, and he must be spending a fortune on telephone calls. Oh, I know he can afford it, but that isn’t the point. It must be very humiliating for him when you won’t even speak to him.’

  ‘I can’t talk to him, Fiona. If you could have heard what he said to me!’

  ‘I can imagine that when he loses his temper he isn’t too particular what he says. You have to accept that with a man of his temperament. You should at least speak to him, hear what he has to say.’

  ‘Maybe,’ she agreed. ‘Maybe next time he calls.’

  She knew there was no maybe about it, the next time he called she would speak to him. It had been pure agony denying herself the chance to talk to him, but his last words had hurt her so much that she couldn’t bear it if he continued to insult her. She had been wrong to go out with Nigel, she knew that, but she hadn’t expected Joel to react so violently.

  * * *

 
; Her decision had been made in vain. Two days now and Joel had not called again. Every time the telephone rang she expected it to be him, but it never was. And she was missing him unbearably. For almost a week he had been gone, and every day seemed like a week. When would he be home? and would he inform her of his return when he did? She very much doubted it. As Fiona had said, a man like Joel would soon find someone else if thwarted too much. But what of their bargain? She had no doubt he would still keep her to that, no matter what his own feelings were in the matter.

  Her heart sank and her mouth went dry as she saw the woman just entering the building. The other girls had gone out for their Friday lunch-time meal, and as she wasn’t very good company at the moment she had decided not to inflict her company on them, going out to lunch on her own. And now here was Laura Bennett, the other owner of this very prosperous firm, walking into the Falcone building as Farrah was walking out. And there could be no doubt that the other woman had seen and recognised her by the sharpening of those green cat-like eyes. Farrah would have turned and walked away, but Laura Bennett seemed to be walking purposefully towards her and escape was impossible.

  As the last time she had seen her, Laura Bennett was perfectly attired, dressed in a tailored cream skirt and jacket, contrasted with a black fitted blouse. Her long black hair was brushed away down her back, shiny as a raven’s wing, and her make-up perfect to the last detail.

  Farrah, in contrast, felt perfectly drab. She had on her usual denims and matching denim waistcoat with a checked shirt beneath. Her hair was its usual riot of waves, and the only colour to her face came from her huge green eyes surrounded by thick dark lashes. Nevertheless, she faced the other woman with a steady gaze, not showing her nervousness by the flicker of an eyelash.

  ‘Miss Halliday,’ Laura Bennett’s voice came out as a purr, not at all like her harsh tone of their last meeting. ‘It is Miss Halliday, isn’t it?’

  This woman made Farrah feel extra tall, and in spite of her own slenderness, rather large. The actress was so small and dainty, and her beauty unmarred, and Farrah wondered at Joel’s indifference to such a woman. ‘Yes,’ she answered rather shyly, wishing they could move away from the Falcone building where they might be recognised. The gossip had died down a little in Joel’s absence, and all that it needed to re-ignite it was the sighting of herself and Laura Bennett talking together.