Counting Goodbyes

by Whitney Cannavina

  Where will I go after this? Who will I live with? I have no other family. I’ve never met my grandparents as they told my mother I was a mistake she should have taken care of. I don’t know who my father is or his family. My mother was an only child so there are no aunts or uncles who I can live with. I am utterly alone and have no home because I know the state will never let me live here without a guardian. All my worries, fears, and heartbreak take their toll on me and I eventually fall into a fitful sleep.

  When I wake the next morning covered under my mom’s favorite throw blanket with the scent of her clinging to the thread, for a moment I forget that she’s not really here. That’s when I feel the wave of pain as it takes over my entire body from the inside out, making me tremble with grief. I look up, staring at the bright white of the ceiling screaming at God in my head for taking the most precious person to me from this world. Needing to get my anger and pain out, I say the words out loud.

  “Why did you have to take away the one and only family I had? What did I do to deserve this? No. What did my mother do to deserve this? Nothing, that’s what. I hate you, God. I hate you. You couldn’t have just taken me? My mom didn’t deserve this, and you took her. You took her.” I sob.

  Chapter 2

  It all goes away.

  Eventually, everything

  goes away

  -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

  My mother always told me that no matter how far you fall, how hard the struggle, or how much you lose; always remember that eventually things will start to look up. It may not seem like it at first, but eventually you will find a way to crawl out of that hole, the struggle will start to wane, and the loss will be another lesson in life.

  My mother fell hard in love and in heartbreak. She grappled with the decision to leave my father while pregnant with me and struggled to make ends meet in the beginning and the loss was her family, friends, education, and relationships. With the fall she learned that things are not as bad as they may seem. She had the chance to fall in love, she had the chance to feel true heartbreak, the struggle made her stronger as a woman and mother, and the loss of her entire life before me was gained in being able to start fresh. New friends, a daughter she loved fiercely, she received her GED, and became a successful insurance agent.

  As hard as it has been losing my mother at least I knew she was happy with her life. She accomplished everything she ever set out for even if it wasn’t her original plan. I hope that what she said was true about things becoming easier with time and that I will learn something from all of this. I can’t imagine though, that things will be easier without my mom and my best friend in my life anymore. Maybe I’ll learn to move on. Maybe I’ll learn to live life more and maybe I will learn how to make it easier to cope with my loss as time goes on. But right now, it feels like those things will never happen. Things will never be easier.

  It took me a week to finally leave my mother’s bed after finding out about the accident. I couldn’t move, hoping it was all just a really bad dream; one that I prayed I could wake up from, but each time I would wake from my fitful sleep, reality would come crashing down and I would ache and cry just as hard as that first moment the police told me about the accident. My best friend, Lacy stayed by my side the entire time only leaving to bring me food. I barely ate, barely slept, and barely had a moment’s thought that didn’t revolve around my mom and everything I missed about her. Lacy’s mom took care of everything for the funeral because I couldn’t manage to get a word out that could be understood through my sobbing. By the end of the week I was so weak, exhausted, and tired that I looked like a zombie.

  I woke up the morning of the funeral, headed to the bathroom, and stopped to look at myself in the mirror. I looked for anything that would remind me of my mother. Pulling at my cheeks, and studying my eyes, I searched for something, anything that gave me a piece of her. My mom had long, wavy blonde hair and green eyes that sparkled with joy. She was perfect to me. Staring at myself, I think the only thing I think I got from my mother is my smile and the waves in my hair. I remember how people always thought that she was my sister and not my mom because we were the complete opposite and she looked so young, but that was far from the truth.

  The funeral was beautiful, if you could imagine losing someone you love and laying them to rest as beautiful. Lacy’s mom did a great job with the arrangements. The casket was black with chrome accents looking ominous as we waited for it to be lowered into the six-foot hole below. The flowers that cascaded around the grave were my mother’s favorites; daisies. The minister spoke a few verses out of the bible most likely about life, love, and loss. Who knows what words he spoke of because I couldn’t listen as I just stared at where my mother lay motionless, pale, and cold inside her casket. Lacy and her mother stood on either side of me weeping openly as we held each other mourning the loss of such a beautiful and caring woman. The loss wasn’t just mine, but everyone who was at the funeral. Many friends and surprisingly family that I’ve never met came to give their condolences and mourn the loss of my mother before the service began. It wasn’t just me who felt the loss, but I felt as if I am the one who has lost the most.

  After the minister spoke he left the podium open for those who wanted to come up and pay their respects. Lacy’s mom was first. My mother and Julia, Lacy’s mom, were close, almost as close as Lacy and I. We usually did everything together and we considered Lacy and Julia family.

  “I just want to say a few words about my dear friend. Alexis and I have been best friends since our girls first started school together eleven years ago. With our girls becoming inseparable in kindergarten it didn’t take long for us to follow in their footsteps. She was there through the many miscarriages I had when trying for another baby. She was there through my divorce when I felt as if the world was crumbling all around me and she’s been there every day since as I learned to navigate being a single mother.

  Alexis has touched many of you I’m sure, in one way or another. Whether that is with kind words of encouragement and wisdom or a shoulder to lean on when times were tough. She had the heart of gold and her happiness radiated from her. We mourn the loss of a beautiful mother and friend today due to such a tragic accident. Learn from this. Learn that life can be short and to always be kind and caring because there is no room for hate and cruelty.

  Alexis is in heaven looking over us now smiling at how much she’s loved. I’m sure she would want us to celebrate her life instead of mourning her death, so from this day forward we celebrate. It’s what she would have wanted.”

  Throughout Julia’s speech tears trailed freely down her splotchy red cheeks. She tried to smile but like everyone else, it’s just too hard. Her speech was beautiful though, and it was exactly what my mother would have wanted to hear.

  Many of my mother’s friends spoke that day about how much they loved and will miss her. Each and every one of them had a story of how she was there for them in some way. It was beautiful and showed just how beautiful of a woman my mother was. I knew this already but it’s amazing to hear how she helped others. I was last to speak and even though I spent hours on this speech, I wasn’t sure it was good enough.

  “My name is Makayla, and my mother was nothing short of amazing.” I sniffled and wiped my nose for the billionth time that day on a tissue I held in my fist. I had to take a moment to breathe before I can continue. “My mother was my best friend. She was everything to me, and more. There are no words to explain the sort of mother she was to me. We had the closest relationship than I even had with Lacy who has been my best friend since kindergarten. Everything I am and everything I strive to be is because of my mom pushing me to do my best and loving me fiercely.”

  I deviate off script trying to find the right words for everyone to understand just how incredible she was.

  “I don’t know if you ever knew this but her choice to be a single mother was to make sure my father had the life she thought he deserved. She loved my father and told me so ofte
n, but she never regretted leaving while pregnant with me, so he could finish school and have the life he always dreamed of. I admired my mother for making such a sacrifice for him and for herself. She could have stayed, and they could have given up their dreams to raise me together. Maybe we could have still had a great life, or we could have struggled. Who knows, but what I do know is that no matter what, she always put others before herself.

  When she moved here she begged every office she came across to hire her and eventually a lady took pity on her and gave her a job. It was low pay and long hours, but it was money coming in. She worked hard; saved every penny she could and had everything she needed for her and I. It didn’t take her long to finally work her way up to a better pay and more prestigious job title, but she did it without complaint. She never once dated or went out to have her own time. Instead she stayed in and cared for me.

  I always thought my mother never got out enough on her own, but she always promised me she never wanted to do anything unless it was something she could do with me. I hope that one day you have someone who feels the same for you. It was a privilege to have my mother for as long as I have. It will be hard to move forward without her. I will no longer have my best friend and mother in my life giving me advice and listening to me ramble on about teenage things. She will miss all my greatest achievements such as graduation, first day of college, my wedding, and she will never meet her grandchildren. But I know she’s watching from above never missing a single minute. She will always be in my heart...”

  I stopped, unable to go on. Just thinking about all that my mother is going to miss was breaking me from the inside out. I glanced at the guests and not a single person had a dry eye as they wept right along with me.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t…” My voice cracked as Lacy and Julia come rushing to me, holding me in their arms. We stayed at the podium for a few minutes trying to get a hold of ourselves long enough, so I can say my peace.

  “Today the world will lose an angel, but heaven will gain one. I love you mom.” I kissed the necklace my mom always wore that I have now hanging around my neck before blowing a kiss to the sky.

  My mother’s favorite flowers were white and yellow daisies, so Julia had made sure to bring enough for everyone to grab and lay on the casket as it is lowered. People stood around the casket saying their farewells and tossing a flower as she descended into the earth. I didn’t recognize everyone as they made their way to me and apologized for my loss. Each person that stopped let me know how he or she knew my mother and I barely paid attention as I was in a daze of disbelief that this is it. My mother is gone. Some of the guests have said they are family; distant cousins from all over so I introduce myself before they move on. When my grandparents stop by, I’m pulled into a tight embrace as they apologized for never meeting me. I nodded, but inside I wanted to shout at them for making my mom feel as if she had nobody to support her when she became pregnant with me. I never knew my grandparents and after that day, I don’t plan to change that. If in all my seventeen years my mother never once took me to meet them, then I won’t change that now.

  One man remains standing at the casket wearing dark sunglasses over his eyes. He looked familiar, but I have no idea where from. I doubt my mother was seeing him knowing she never went out without me and not once had she introduced us. He was probably someone from her work or one of her clients she’d had for years. He’s a good-looking older man. He looks somewhere in his mid to late thirties; he is close to my mom’s age. His hair is dark brown, and his skin is golden tan. Not the kind of tan you get from spray or from sitting out sunbathing but more like a work tan, more natural. He’s lean and buff under his button up black shirt and black slacks, and tall. He’s at least over six foot.

  I grabbed eighteen daisies from the bucket placed by her mural and stand next to the man in question. I don’t know what his deal is or how he knows my mother, but he seems to be almost as broken up as me over her loss. We don’t say a word as we both gaze at the coffin that it is lowered nearly the whole way down in its grave. I know I should probably be the last person to stand by my mother’s coffin but for some reason I feel as if this man needs time alone to speak with her. I decide to throw my flowers in one at a time before I let him have his moment.

  “One, for the first year of my life when I needed you most. Two, for the time I needed you to catch me when I fell. Three, for setting the stage for me to become a kind person to everyone. Four, for showing me how to become independent.” For each flower I drop, I give thanks for every year I had with my mother in my life and what she taught me.

  “Five, for showing me how to let loose and have fun when things were too tough. Six, for helping me understand that green doesn’t go with red.” I chuckle at the fond memory of dressing myself. The man in question breaks out with a small grin. “Seven, for being my best friend when I thought I lost Lacy.” The year Lacy’s parents divorced, I thought she was going to move away. I was devastated, and my mom showed me that no matter what, I’ve always had her.

  “Eight, for showing me how to be compassionate. Nine, for teaching me that no matter what anyone says I’m special to someone. Ten, for showing me that I need to not worry so much about what other people think and to just be myself. Eleven, for my first broken heart. Twelve, for explaining the birds and the bees thanks to my curiosity after my teacher became pregnant.” The man turned his head just slightly and I knew he was staring at me as I poured my heart out. His smile remained still, even if it was small. “Thirteen, for explaining the changes in my body.” The man’s face instantly turns red and the smile slips. Maybe it was too much information with that one.

  “Fourteen, for helping me navigate high school when I thought I would never make it. Fifteen, for not believing me when I threw a tantrum and said I hated you. I didn’t hate you, mom. I loved you more than anything and if I could take those hurtful words back I would.” I pause, needing to pull myself together before moving on.

  “Sixteen, for making me believe my hair cut wasn’t as bad as it truly was. I’m just glad it grew back so fast, but I looked awkward there for a little while.” Chuckling, I remember the horror on my Mom’s face before she rescued my hair by creating layers, so it looked like it was purposely cut that way.

  “Seventeen, for supporting me when I started looking for colleges outside of California even though I knew you were probably dying inside. You didn’t have to worry though mom, because I would have stayed here no matter what. I couldn’t leave you. I needed my best friend with me. Forever and always.” No matter what college I looked at I kept coming back to the same one over and over again. Sure, I contemplated going to a college or a university across the country, but I knew I could never actually have left my mom. It was just the idea of trying a new place that had me looking so far away.

  “Lastly, eighteen.” I take a deep breath knowing this will be the hardest one to get out. “Eighteen, for everyday for the rest of my life that you won’t get to see. For everything I’ve learned from you and for everything you will miss out on by not being here with me while I navigate through life.” Tears start to escape one by one down my cheeks just as I let the last flower fall.

  This is it. This is the end of my mother’s life. Where do I go from here? What do I do now?

  “Goodbye mom.” I turn and walk slowly back to the car where Lacy and Julia are waiting for me. Just as I am about to slide in the back seat of the car, I glance back at the man who stood and listened to my goodbyes to see him on his knees bent with his head in his hands. I have no idea what he meant to my mother or what she meant to him, but I have a feeling that he won’t be going away, and he is going to change my life in more ways than one.

  Julia pulls out of the cemetery and heads back to her house where the wake is taking place. Lacy and her mom spent a lot of time printing pictures of my mom and putting them in a collage for everyone to look at. The pictures are beautiful and capture her in the best moments of her life. They show my mom ha
ppy as she smiles, laughs or just being a dork with silly faces or poses in every single photo. There are a lot of her and I, and quite a few of them with her and her friends. But my favorite picture of her was the one I took when she was staring off into space smiling. It wasn’t the picture itself but the memory of that day. My mother had just surprised me with the news of our summer trip.

  We had been planning since my freshman year and saving all the money we could, but we didn’t think we would be able to do it until after I graduated. I had just come home from school at the beginning of this year and my mom had road maps all laid out on the kitchen table with different markers following a few different routes that took us to Florida. Every route went through the same spot in Texas that she was dead set on visiting, but some went up and around while some went straight through before heading to our final destination in Florida. With each route she also marked with dots of the places we could stop and look at.

  “Kayla, guess what?” My mom couldn’t seem to sit still, and I was confused about what she was doing.

  “I have no clue but I’m getting scared.” I joked but really, I was nervous about what she was going to tell me.

  “We finally get to have our long overdue vacation that we’ve been planning for.” Gleefully smiling, my mom waited for reality to hit, as I stood there stunned for a moment.

  “What? How?” I was beyond excited, but I didn’t want to go so soon if we really couldn’t afford it.

  “I got a raise and a bonus and along with all that we’ve saved, we have more than enough to go this summer. I’ve already requested for the month off after you get out of school for summer break, so we can leave right away.”