Counting Goodbyes

by Whitney Cannavina

  “What are we doing here?” I question. Even though it’s beautiful, I’m curious about what the boy’s plans are for the day.

  “Just over that small hill,” Austin points on the other side of the lake, “a concert is going on. It’s nobody big but the venue is small, and I wanted to be able to leave the parking lot without any issues. It’s only a five-minute walk.” The guys lead the way as Bobby, Lacy and I follow behind and watch as the men’s backside gives us a nice view. It doesn’t take us long to arrive to the small venue and we find a seat at a bench table.

  “We’ll head over and get you ladies a drink and some food.” Beau says while us girls take a seat and watch as the crowd begins to grow while the stage hands continue to finish setting up for the band.

  The guys return shortly with soda, nachos, and napkins for us all to share as we wait for the concert to begin.

  Lacy turns to the Andrew as he mimics her stance, taking a swig of her soda before asking her question. “Why is there a concert in such a remote area and how did you guys find out about it?”

  Andrew answers with a smirk. “The band is an up and coming group from around here. They’ve been on a road tour with another country band and since this week is their break, they invited only a select few of their friends and followers to this place to watch an impromptu concert. I’m friends with the drummer so he texted me to let me know where to see them.”

  “This place used to be where a church would gather for their weekly sermons, but eventually they abandoned it. Not too many people know about this place and it is now just used for parties and small concerts like this. It’s all in who you know.” Beau continues.

  After another twenty minutes the band finally jumps on the small stage and introduces themselves. They thank everyone who has come to watch and informed everyone they only have a small set for the night.

  We spend the next two hours listening to the band play while dancing in each other’s arms on the slow songs and singing the lyrics of the few covers the band sings. The smiles on all our faces never wavers and the night becomes one filled with memories that we soon won’t forget.

  When we reach the truck, the light has faded, and we are awash in darkness. Lacy clings to Andrew as they whisper quietly to each other while Beau and Bobby sing one of the songs the entire way. Austin and I remain quiet as we hold hands and enjoy the comfort our friends bring us, even if they are quirky.

  Lacy gasps as she now notices the blinking lights from the lightning bugs flying around the field making the night feel more romantic than it was.

  “It’s beautiful. Can I catch them? Or will they burn me?” When I first noticed the bugs, I thought the same thing and I’m glad I wasn’t the only one.

  “I’ll show you how to catch them.” Andrew guides Lacy over to where the bugs seem to gather most, standing behind her with her back to his chest and her hands in his, stretched out in front of them. Austin and I watch in silence. I feel relieved that Lacy has Andrew even if it’s only for the week, and I know when they go their separate ways she will miss him, but for now I love seeing her happy and smiling.

  “I’ve never seen my brother like this with a girl before.” Austin holds me in his arms similar to how Andrew holds Lacy. His arms are wrapped around my chest keeping me close and warm as he whispers in my ear. I turn my head slightly to look up and see him smiling.

  “How do you mean?”

  “I mean, he normally doesn’t make such an effort for a girl. Usually he will flirt and joke but never take it further. He’s more of the player only wanting a girl for one night.” Hearing Austin say this worries me, because I would hate for Lacy to be hurt by Andrew. I worry my bottom lip, wondering if I should stop this before it goes to far.

  “Don’t worry, beautiful. I’ll talk to him.” Beau has Bobby leaning against the tree as they kiss like the world is ending. It’s gross and yet, I love that she has Beau. I guess in a way, I’m happy because we are all moving on and taking chances. I love my friends and I want them all to be happy.

  ****

  The rest of the week has flown by while my friends and I all spent our days watching movies, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Julia, Sarah, my dad, and my brothers spent the afternoons with us too, telling stories of Lacy and I growing up, stories of my mom, and telling us what has been happening since I left. I love hearing about their lives even though I haven’t been apart of it for the last few months and I love that it’s getting easier for us to talk about my mom. Even though at times it gets hard, Austin always is there to hold me close in comfort if hearing and talking about my mom gets to be too much.

  Julia and Lacy mentioned that even though I’m no longer there, they make sure to visit my mothers grave every week with a new set of flowers and tell her about my life and theirs.

  “Your mom would be so proud of you, Kayla. I just know it. We’re all proud of you. You’re so strong and beautiful and your mom wouldn’t want you to be sad. She’s want you to make a life for yourself like you are doing now.”

  Swiping at the tears falling from my eyes, I move to Julia and Lacy pulling them both into a tight embrace. I love them so much and am so grateful they are here now.

  “Thank you.” It’s all could utter without completely breaking apart and balling like a baby.

  By the time Thanksgiving comes around, the house is full of chaos and anxious activity by eight in the morning. Sarah, Julia, Lacy, and I run around the kitchen getting all the food ready for a feast to feed almost fifteen people. The turkey is already in the oven baking while we start on the sides such as the potatoes, green beans, yams, and more. Once everything has been prepped, we begin the desserts, which consist of pies, cookies and other delicious treats. It’s not until noon that we start pulling out the snacks for the guests who arrive soon after. I never realized how much work cooking on Thanksgiving would be until now, but the great thing about it is it has taken my mind off of the fact that my mother isn’t here for this holiday.

  “Mmm. The food smells delicious.” Dad steps behind Sarah and kisses the side of her head affectionately. At first it used to bother me. Not because I wished it were my mom he was doing that too, however that was a small part of it, but because I wasn’t used to seeing that sort of affection in a marriage. Lacy’s parents were never like that when we first met, and my mom never had that, so it was new to me and I felt like an outsider. Now however, I think it’s sweet and sometimes a little embarrassing when he gets really affectionate.

  “Shoo. Go watch the game with the boys.” Sarah swats my dad with the towel she has in her hand while my dad raises his hands in defense.

  “Ok. I’ll go, but just so you know, you look beautiful.” I could definitely see how my dad’s charm worked on my mom and Sarah. In some ways I feel as if my dad and Austin are similar in that way.

  Austin, Beau, and Andrew have been here since early this morning helping bring in the larger table to accommodate everyone and set up the Christmas tree that Sarah was adamant about having up. I’m not quite sure why the tree was so important seeing as we aren’t even in December yet, but Sarah said it was a family tradition. So now the fake tree sits where the couch used to be. The lights brighten up the room bringing in the holiday spirit. The couch has been moved over a few feet, same as the coffee table and lamp to make room for the tree. Once everything was moved and the tree was set up, the guys turned on the game and haven’t moved since. I guess I still don’t quite get the hype of a football game.

  I saw Austin for only a moment when the boys first arrived, where he promptly swooped in for a kiss before being ushered out of the kitchen to hang out with the rest of the boys. Now I’m exhausted and really needing some cuddle time with him so I head into the living room and take a seat on the floor between his legs while he sits on the couch cheering on his team.

  “Hey baby.” Austin whispers in my ear before kissing the side of my head.

  “Hi,” I whisper back. Austin’s hands slide to my sh
oulders where he proceeds to rub them to help me relax. Before long I have fallen asleep with my head resting on his leg. By the time Austin rouses me awake, everyone has arrived and it’s nearly time for dinner.

  “Hey baby. We’re going to be eating soon.” Blinking my eyes open, I take notice that everyone, but Austin and I have left the room.

  “How long was I out for?” Slowly sitting up, I yawn and stretch my tight muscles before Austin helps me to stand.

  “About an hour. Come on. I want to go for a walk.” Linking his hand with mine, I follow Austin outside.

  “Where is everyone?”

  “All the women are in the kitchen and the guys went to grab some wood at my dad’s house for a bonfire later.” Nodding my head, I follow behind Austin as he walks to the tire swing. I slip my legs through the hole and hang on while Austin lightly pushes me too and fro.

  We stay like this, Austin pushing me easily on the tire swing as I contemplate what he had to tell me. His face looked somber, so I know whatever it is he has to tell me will probably break my heart. I worry my lip, hoping he doesn’t choose this moment to crush me. I don’t know if I could sit down at the table with him across from me if that were the case.

  “So, you remember how we were talking about colleges and where we wanted to go?” I nod my head and wait as my heart begins to beat a million miles a second. “My coach had a few of the recruiters from several colleges come watch the games.” I knew this. I was so proud of Austin and his achievements and the fact his coach could see his potential, too. “After seeing me play and doing a few phone interviews and personal interviews after the games, I was offered a full ride. It took me a while to narrow down where I wanted to go.” My heart stops, waiting in anticipation. I know he picked a college, now I wonder if he is going to move far away or not and if his college choice is something that will break us apart.

  “Before you say anything else, I want to tell you I’m proud of you.” Austin stops me before coming around to stand in front of me, so we can talk face to face.

  “Thank you.” Austin leans his head back a moment, looking up to the sky for strength or for the words to tell me it’s over. Who knows but already my heart is breaking knowing this is the end. Although I am heartbroken, I can’t help but feel grateful for the time I did have with him.

  Sighing, Austin looks into my eyes before finding the words he needs to end our relationship. “I decided on a college. I’m going to be a Longhorn.” Austin stares at me for what seems like forever when in reality were only maybe a minute or two. I smile as brightly as I can, congratulating him on his choice of college.

  “You don’t seem so excited for me.” The devastation on his face instantly makes my heart drop. I hate to be the one that caused it, so I try to placate him as my heart breaks in the process.

  “I’m excited for you. It’s a great school. I’m so proud of you for going for your dream and getting a full ride.”

  “But…”

  “But nothing. I really am excited for you. You’re going to begin a new life, and you have so many great things to accomplish…”

  “Are you breaking up with me?” He asks incredulously.

  “Well…” I pause not knowing what to do. I don’t want to continue being with him knowing he’s just going to break my heart when the year ends. It will be worse the longer we stay together. If I do this now, then he won’t have to break my heart because I’ll be breaking it myself. “Yeah, I guess I am. We can’t exactly be together, knowing we have an expiration date. I love you…” My breath hitches, not meaning to utter those three little words that hold so much meaning. But now that it’s out there I can’t say that I regret them. “I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe it’s better that we end things now before we get into this too deep.”

  Austin opens his mouth to say something, but Sarah calls out to us letting us know that dinner is ready.

  “For now, let’s keep this quiet. I don’t want to ruin dinner with everyone around.” Slipping out of the tire, I quickly make my way into the house with Austin at my heels. Just before we make it to the dining room, Austin grabs my wrist and pulls me back.

  “Kayla, you’re not understanding what I was telling you.” He says gruffly. His eyes pull down in a deep frown while he gazes at me with intensity I’m not sure I am ready for.

  “Austin, can we just forget about this for now? Please?”

  “I’m not…”

  “Everyone’s waiting on you two lovebirds. Come and take a seat so we can start.” Sarah interrupts.

  “Sorry, Sarah. We’re coming.” Hurrying to my seat, Austin takes his place across from me never taking his eyes off me. After my dad says grace, we all dig in, passing the food clockwise and begin eating. Throughout the entire night, Austin doesn’t bring up our break up, but continues to watch me as I do my best keeping up the happy façade and not break. It’s not until everyone leaves and Austin’s parents ask for the boys to head home with them that I finally get a break.

  Heading to my room, I quickly change into my pajamas and let everyone know I am exhausted and want to just crash. Only Lacy and Bobby can see that something is amiss as they barge into my room and start demanding answers.

  By the time I am done telling them what happened, I am a mess of tears as they both try to console me. That night and for the rest of the weekend, the girls stay with me watching horror movies, eating junk food, and keeping my mind off of my break up before Lacy and Julia have to leave Sunday morning.

  Chapter 20

  The tragedy of life

  is not death…

  but what we let die

  inside of us while we live

  -Norman Cousins-

  “Have you talked to him since you broke up?” Bobby sits next to me in my truck Monday morning before school. I appreciate her concern, and ever since Thanksgiving when I ended things between us, Bobby and Lacy have held me together with their love and support when all I wanted to do was fall apart. They didn’t understand why Austin would want to end things and they believe I jumped the gun by ending things first. However, they didn’t see his face and how he seemed to be trying to find the words to break up with me without hurting me more than necessary. I had to be the one to end it because if I let him, I knew I would beg him not to and I just couldn’t face myself if I let that happen.

  “No and I don’t plan to. I have high hopes that I can go the rest of the year without uttering another word to Austin because I know if I do, I may just beg him to take me back and make an absolute fool of myself.”

  “I think you should talk to him and explain to him why you ended things.”

  “He knows why I ended things.” Pouting, I cross my arms acting like a spoiled brat not getting their way. Attractive? Not in the least. Do I care? At this moment I don’t, but I know I’ll regret it later for acting so childish.

  “Has Austin tried calling you?” Bobby inquires. Shrugging my shoulders, I give a non-committal answer. “Did you even turn on your phone to see if he called you?” Staring at my fingers, it takes me a moment before shaking my head no. Bobby sighs before climbing out of the passenger side of my truck. When she reaches my side and opens my door, Bobby grabs my arm and yanks me out before stomping her way to the entrance of the school. We have about ten minutes before the first bell rings and Bobby seems hell bent on making me confront Austin.

  “Can I just go home and never leave my bed? I can do all my schoolwork from there. You can bring me what I have to do and turn it in for me when I’m done. We can come up with a convincing lie about some disease that keeps me from going into public.” Bobby rolls her eyes at me as she continues to drag me to my locker.

  “No, we are not going to do anything of the sort, Kayla. You’re going to talk to Austin, and then we are going to move on.”

  “Hello gorgeous ladies.” Beau leans in giving Bobby a chaste kiss before turning to me and pulling me into his embrace. “Hello Kayla.” He squeezes me before pushing me at arms len
gth to get a look at me. “You broke my mans heart, Kayla. So how do you plan to fix it?”

  “He was going to break my heart first.” I whine.

  Sighing, Beau pulls me close, whispering in my ear. “You really need to talk to my boy. Clear the air.” Why does everyone keep saying that? Can’t they see I am heartbroken, too? Why is everyone pushing this?

  “No.” Grabbing my book for my first class, my anger and hurt get the best of me as I slam the locker closed and stomp off leaving Bobby and Beau gaping at me.

  I spend the rest of the day keeping to myself, trying to avoid everyone so I don’t snap. I would feel bad if I took my pain and anger out on my friends, but if they keep pushing me, I’ll break. I just need space and for everyone to quit trying to push Austin and I together.

  When lunch arrives, anxiety creeps up knowing I’m about to see Austin. I just hope that Evangeline isn’t there hanging all over him. I may just throw up and die if I were to see that. Making my way through the lunch line, I grab a small salad with minimal fixings before making a beeline to my usual lunch table. I avoid looking at anyone in particular while picking at my food, not feeling hungry as my stomach is in knots. Bobby and Beau slide in next to me but don’t say a word, making me feel like a complete jerk for how I acted this morning. I know they care about both Austin and me. It must be hard having two of your best friends not speaking and feeling like you have to pick sides.

  When lunch hour is over, I’m surprised by the fact that Austin hadn’t been there. To say I was hurt that he didn’t show was an understatement. As much as I’m hurting that we broke up, I hate that he felt he needed to avoid me because of it. Evangeline steps in front of me blocking my path just as I leave the table trailing behind Bobby and Beau who have yet to say a word to me after my outburst this morning.

  “Well, well, well. I knew it wouldn’t last long between you and Austin. It was inevitable that you guys would break up. Did you know Austin asked me to go to university with him?” Just as I make my way around her, she says this causing me to stop in my tracks as my heart plummets. Her mocking laugh makes me wince, knowing that he chose her over me. It should have been me who he asked to follow him. Not Evangeline.