Counting Goodbyes

by Whitney Cannavina

  “I’m going to kiss you, Kayla. Will you give yourself to me?”

  My breath catches as I stare at the man whom my heart beats for. “Yes. I’m yours.”

  Austin’s lips crash down on mine with a fierce intensity, claiming my lips, my heart, my soul as his and I gave it willingly. His tongue slips between the seam of my lips, and I open for him. Our tongues touch tentatively at first before we become consumed by each other, only to be broken apart by the clearing of my father’s throat. Austin places one last lingering kiss on my lips before moving back to his seat at the opposite side of the couch.

  “Glad to see you two love birds are back together, but this is a PG house.” Dads serious tone contradicts the grin on his face, and I can’t help but blush in embarrassment.

  “Sorry, sir.” Austin says sheepishly.

  “Sarah has lunch ready for everyone. Come to the kitchen and eat.”

  Austin and I nod our heads as dad exits. “Ready?” Austin lends a hand to me to help me up.

  “Does this mean we’re together?” I question.

  “That depends. Do you want to be together?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then we’re together. And I am never letting you go.” Leaning over, Austin steals a soft kiss before helping me off the couch and pulling me along to the kitchen.

  The love I have for this man is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I never realized how lost I was without him until I had him here with me again. I plan to never let him go, and I will follow him to the ends of the earth to be with him.

  I just hope he feels the same way as me. Then again, he’s proven to me that he would risk his life to save mine.

  Austin is utterly perfect.

  “Oh yea.” Austin pulls me up short. “About college…”

  Chapter 23

  People don’t forget girls like you.

  They try. But they wont

  ever forget what your

  Love felt like

  -Unknown-

  That evening after everyone had gone home Lacy and I sit on my bed relaxing talking about everything under the sun and avoiding the one thing I know she wants to ask. I knew it was coming. I wish I had the answers she was looking for, but I am not so sure I do. I am still coming to terms with all that happened. The lives of those lost because of Timothy and the many lives that are forever changed because of his act of revenge will haunt this tiny town forever.

  “So….” Lacy drags out.

  “Just ask. I know you want to.” Pausing, Lacy searches my face for any signs of distress.

  “How are you doing since the incident?” Lacy leans her head on my shoulder waiting for my answer.

  “I’m ok. Just trying to remember everything that happened. I still am missing pieces of that day. But I can feel an overwhelming fear that I can’t place. I know what happened, but without the memories of the incident I can’t understand the fear completely.”

  “What’s the last thing you remember?”

  “It’s a little foggy, but I can remember the morning when I first arrived. I saw Austin by the locker with Evangeline. Then there’s nothing. It’s weird. I hate that I can’t remember anything else. Then again, maybe it’s a blessing?” I question. I honestly don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I can’t remember that day and the events, so I will take it as a sign that it’s better to not have the images forever seared into my mind.

  “Are you ready to get back to school?”

  “No. Yes. I don’t know. In some ways I’m afraid that when I walk those halls it will trigger my memory. I don’t think I want to remember what happened.” Lacy remains silent for so long I think she may have fallen asleep.

  “I thought we lost you and I was so scared. You’re my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Lacy’s whimpers cause me to tear up. Pulling her close, we both silently cry as the impact of the shooting catches up to us. After some time, our whimpers slowly fade, and the tears dry up, Lacy breaks the silence.

  “What are we doing for New Years?” Coughing out a laugh, I feel grateful for the subject change.

  “I don’t know. I think my dad just wants everyone to stay in and be together.”

  “Sounds good. Do you think Andrew will be here?” The hope in Lacy’s voice breaks my heart. I don’t want to tell her that yes, he will be here, with his new girlfriend. As much as she’s talked to him and about him to me, he never mentioned his girlfriend to Lacy. I know they hit it off, but he wasn’t looking for more and now Lacy’s heart is going to be broken because of it.

  “About that, Austin told me Andrew will be here…with his girlfriend.” Lacy instantly shoots up into a sitting position.

  “He never mentioned a girlfriend.” The hurt in her voice is unmistakable.

  “I’m sorry. I just found out.” Lacy chews her lip in contemplation. I know she wants to ask more. The slight quiver when she takes a deep and calming breath tells me she’s more than a little hurt.

  “It’s fine. We weren’t exclusive. I just thought he’d at least tell me. He has been texting me since the day we met.”

  “I know. I think you should talk to him. Clear the air.”

  “Nah. I’ll be fine. I think I’ll just forget about him.” Even though she sounds fine, I know my best friend. She is hurting inside, and I think she needs my comfort and support.

  “How am I going to go back to school looking like this?” Laughing, Lacy squeezes me in a comforting hug.

  “I have an idea.”

  ****

  My parents, Lacy, Julia, Bobby, Beau, Austin and his family all gather around the living room on New Years one minute before the ball drops laughing and having a good time feeling ready for a new year, a new start, and a new look on life.

  “You look beautiful tonight. You have no idea how grateful I am that you’re safe, alive, and in my arms right now.” Austin wraps his strong arms around me as he whispers in my ear causing shivers to race down my spine.

  “I’m so happy you’re here with me, too.” Turning to face Austin, I need to look in his eyes as I tell him how I feel. The smile he elicits just for me is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. To think that the most popular guy in school loves me and has me wrapped in his embrace is almost unbelievable, but here I am living the dream. The only thing is, I don’t love Austin for his good looks and popularity. I love him for who he is inside. He is the most caring man I could ever hope to know, and he loves me.

  “Are you ready?” Austin asks with a sparkle in his eyes. Everyone I love and care about surround us being loud and joyous as they shout the countdown do the New Year.

  “I love you, Austin James.”

  “I love you, too Makayla Fitzgerald.

  Cheers erupt all around us while Austin leans in and kisses me deeply, making the world around us fade away. I never want to lose this moment for the rest of my life.

  Austin slowly pulls away breaking the kiss, causing me to pout. “Do you want to tell them?” Austin’s excitement is palpable as I contemplate if this is the right time to tell my family the news.

  “Let’s tell them.”

  Austin yells to the crowd for everyone to listen as we have an announcement.

  “We wanted to let everyone know where I decided to go after we graduate.” Even though Austin told his family of our plans, I hadn’t told mine and I believe they should know now that things have calmed down.

  “I’m going to be a Longhorn with Austin!” The pride in my father’s gaze just before he pulls me into a tight hug tells me I’ve made the right decision. Austin played a tiny part; however, I had already planned to stay in Texas. It was just a matter of picking a school.

  “I’m so proud of you Makayla.” Dad says quietly, only for me to hear.

  “Thank you.” Cheers erupt once more around us as everyone congratulates me on my decision. Even though I have yet to be accepted, I know that no matter what, I will be staying here in Texas. Bobby and Beau are next
to congratulate me, followed by Austin’s family, Julia, and Lacy.

  “How are you doing?” I question her as she steps back with tears in her eyes. Seeing Andrew with his girlfriend must hurt but Lacy is staying strong.

  “I’m ok. I’m so proud of you, though. I knew you would stay here in Texas. It’s the right thing for you. You need to stay close to your family.”

  “You’re my family, too.”

  “Which is why I am going to apply to all the universities in Texas because I need to be with my bestie.” Laughing, I pull her back into another tight embrace. I miss my best friend and now I know she will always be close.

  “Good. But what about your mom?”

  “Mom wants me to be happy and she thinks it will be good for me to try someplace new. She wants me to explore the world like she’s always dreamed of. When I graduate, I can decide if I want to stay or move back.” Nodding my head, Julia’s support of Lacy has me missing my mom once again. I wish she were here to see us all moving on and growing up. I think she would be proud of us.

  “Let’s eat some more and go look at the stars. You don’t see their sparkle in California like you can here.” Grabbing a plate full of snacks, I lead my friends outside with arms full of blankets and snacks while we all pile into Austin’s truck. He drives us to a remote field to relax and look at the beautiful, twinkling night sky.

  “This is beautiful. It sucks we have to leave tomorrow. I’m going to miss this and miss you.” Lacy links her arm through mine as we sit on the tail of Austin’s truck with Bobby doing the same on my other arm. The guys have all been walking around talking guy stuff while us girls get our last moments together before Lacy has to leave.

  “I think Beau and I are going to go to Tennessee for school.” Bobby says quietly.

  “Is that what you want?” Even though I love that my new best friends are together, I want them to be happy and if Bobby is following Beau or vice versa, I don’t want them to be unhappy with that choice later on.

  “Yeah. I need to get out of this town and away from my step dad.” I know that there are issues in Bobby’s home and her step dad is a real jerk. I am grateful that Sarah has been like a mother to me since I’ve come into their lives. I couldn’t imagine living in a home with someone who doesn’t want me around.

  “As long as you and Beau are happy, I’m happy for you.”

  “Thank you. I am happy. Really happy.”

  We stay parked in the field, eventually the boys join us, and wait for the sun to rise the next morning. The colors that light up the sky of orange, pink, and blues are the most gorgeous sight I have ever seen making the start to our new year even more wonderful.

  Chapter 24

  Learn from yesterday.

  Live for today.

  Hope for tomorrow.

  -Albert Einstein-

  “Are you ready to go in?” Austin, Bobby, and Beau all huddle around me as we stand next to Austin’s truck. We decided to all ride to school together for moral support. With Beau and I being shot, Bobby almost losing both of us, and Austin being the one to take Timothy down, we need each other to begin the walk into the school that has scarred us for life.

  “I think I’m ready. Do I look ok?” With the bullet grazing my head, the doctors had to shave the one side of it to relieve some of the pressure on my swelling brain. I feel ugly and embarrassed without my long hair anymore. I still feel as if I should run and hide from the pitiful stares that I know will be aimed at me.

  “You look beautiful.” Austin whispers for in my ear for only me to hear.

  Being around family and friends, it was easier to forget about the loss of my hair, but now I feel the panic setting in, even as my friends and boyfriend try to reassure me. Before Lacy left, she showed me how to do my hair, so it looks as if nothing was amiss. Bobby was there to see what Lacy did, so she helped me this morning when she came over early to replicate the look Lacy gave me. Even though it is almost unnoticeable, I know that regardless people would stare.

  Taking a deep breath, I shut my eyes tight as I spoke with fake confidence. “Ok. I guess lets get this over with.”

  My friends and I slowly make our way to the front doors of the school with a shuffle of our feet, hearing the crunch of dirt every time Beau made a step. We kept our heads held high, while fear silently gripped us. It’s not so much that we are worried about another shooting, but more of the fact that we are heading into a place filled with memories. Memories we would all like to forget. We haven’t been back since that painful day and now here we are, heading back into the place where all our dreams were almost taken from us by a boy that couldn’t deal with life and those who hurt him, so he hurt us instead.

  Reaching the doors, Austin holds them open for everyone to step through before following in behind me. The chattering of students stopped instantly as they all began to take notice of our presence. My cheeks heated in embarrassment as I burrowed myself into Austin’s arms to avoid their stares. However, they were not just looking at me. They were staring at my whole group before, slowly one by one, they began to clap.

  The students had tears in their eyes and smiles on their faces as they began to shuffle forward and embrace us and telling us how grateful that we were alive before thanking Austin for stopping Timothy from harming or killing anyone else. The tears I tried so hard to hold back poured from my eyes in relief and pride. Austin could have hidden in the classroom like everyone else. I wouldn’t have blamed him, but he came looking for me when I didn’t answer my phone. He saved me. He saves all of us without thought of his own life. Austin could have been killed that day with the other three students who lost their lives, but he miraculously made it out unscathed with only chilling memories of that horrid day.

  After what seemed like forever but was only a mere half hour, the bell that signals class is about to begin interrupts the congratulatory hugs and hand shakes causing all the students to hurry to their first period. As for my friends and I, we take our time needing a few minutes to get our emotions under control.

  Austin holds me close, as does Beau with Bobby while we cry tears of joy and sorrow. We are lucky to be alive and we have Austin to thank for that. Pulling away, I use my sleeve to wipe under my eyes before looking around the halls for any recognition of that day. Instead of memories bombarding me, I remember nothing of that day. However, there are posters all over the walls of the students who lost their lives telling me that it did happen, and that people who didn’t deserve to die had lost their lives unfairly. Some of the pictures are of them by themselves smiling, while others are of them and family and friends on vacation or just being happy.

  “It’s beautiful what the school and students did by hanging all the pictures of those who died that day.” Bobby says quietly.

  “Yeah. Many of the students gathered the pictures that they had of them and had the photo lab blow them up, so we could remember them during happier times.” Beau quietly gazes at the pictures with sadness evident in his tone and facial expression.

  “I hate to say it, but I am grateful I lived.” The anger and hate for himself is evident, as we all huddle around Beau and squeeze him tight.

  “It doesn’t make you a bad person thinking that, Beau. It makes you human. I hate that anyone had to die that day, but you’re our best friend. We love you and are more than grateful that you made it out with your life. That doesn’t mean we wish that they had died.” He nods his head at my words, but I know it will take time for him to come to terms with what happened. “You helped save me that day, Beau. I will forever be grateful. If you hadn’t found that room and hid me in the cupboard, I would have probably been killed in the halls.” Beau tries to hide his tears but we all saw them.

  “I would save you again, Makayla. I would save any one of you even if it meant I died so you could live. I just hate that I couldn’t save them.”

  “You couldn’t save them no matter if you had tried to or not. Timothy was a man on a mission. Regardless of what we wa
nted, someone was going to die that day.” Austin tries to reason but no matter what, it was still hard to think about the tragedy.

  “You’re right. How about we just go to class and try to get through this one day at a time?” Beau’s need for a change is obvious as we all nod our heads and walk to first class.

  The entire day was spent being hugged and tears being shed. During the first period, the announcements let students know that if they needed to speak to someone about the events that had happened, to come to the counselor’s office and they would have a therapist on hand to listen and give advice.

  The first week back was spent with tears, sadness, and pain as we all tried to get back into a steady schedule again.

  ****

  Friday has arrived all to quickly. The school, parents, and fellow students have come together in support of one another and has decided to hold a candle light vigil in honor of the students whom died.

  That afternoon, when the final bell rang to end the school day, all the students, staff, and even family members joined together on the football field paying their respects. Many students stood up that day and spoke words of hope, love, and memories of the students whom will be missed. It was beautiful.

  It was a daily struggle for many students to move on and feel safe in our school and hometown, but we pulled together and leaned on one another for support. We were kinder to one another. We tried to build each other up instead of putting one another down. Even Evangeline apologized to Bobby and me for how she treated us.

  In a single moment, we realized just how short life is and how our words and actions could hurt others. The boys who were hardest on Timothy came to realize that their bullying helped unravel the sanity of a boy who was already lost and alone. I know I have personally regretted not trying to befriend Timothy. Maybe if he had someone to confide in, someone who would listen, as he talked about his pain, this whole incident may have been prevented.

  I feel sorry for the boy that was hurting so bad that he thought the answer was to hurt and kill others in revenge.