by JJ Ellis
“No, Aidan. Please. I’m sorry.”
“Go.”
Riley dressed and walked to the bedroom door. “Can I text you later?”
“I just don’t know. I guess you can try but I don’t know if I’ll answer.”
Riley slipped out the door and out of the house. His new motorcycle stood waiting for him. Some speed might dull the ache in his heart.
ONE FULL DAY WENT BY before Riley had the guts to text Aidan. For that twenty-four hours, he’d stayed in bed pretending to be sick. “Hey, can you talk?”
It was a full ten minutes before Aidan responded. “About what?”
“Us,” Riley quickly responded, adding a heart emoji at the end.
“There is no us anymore. You betrayed me and Samantha. I swear you’re taking lessons from your dad on how to play people.”
Riley had tears in his eyes when he replied. “I didn’t mean to do it. Please A, I love you. I just wanted Sammi to be happy.”
“You love me? Funny way of showing it.”
Riley knew that every word on his phone was true but he also knew that he truly did love Aidan. He’d just never said it until now. “Please, can we meet and talk.”
“No. Not right now. Bye, Riley.”
Sleep escaped Riley a lot these days and this day was no different as he replayed the text conversation over and over in his head. Maybe he should give up. Or maybe he should fight for what he wanted.
Over the next week, things were not easy for Riley as he existed on little sleep and raging emotions. The smallest little thing set him off. But at least he was now the bully he knew his dad wanted him to be. He thought maybe the old man was proud of him for once.
His mood was actually buoyed until nine days after he and Aidan broke up. He received a text that broke his heart and made him angry all at once.
“Hey, Riley. I’m going on the road to help a BMX friend. Not sure when or if I’ll be back. I just want to wish you luck and say goodbye.”
Riley sat stunned, staring at the phone for a good five minutes. His reply was weak. “What about school?”
“Tutor. Got to go.”
Riley crawled into bed and cried himself to sleep for the first time since he was a small child.
The rancher kids were more than happy to welcome the partially lost soul back into the fold. The time that Riley used to spend with Aidan was now spent running wild with the pack. Instead of Friday nights being spent in Aidan’s bed, he now spent the time creating mischief that was just this side of illegal.
“What do you have planned?” Terry slurred as Riley got ready to leave.
“Not sure. Maybe drag racing out on Old Robertson Road.”
“With your real friends?”
“Yeah, Dad. I gave up imaginary friends when my best friends moved away.”
“Smart ass,” Terry grumbled. “It’s good to see you being more like me these days. There’s a lot more fun to be had as a rancher kid than a bunch of townies.”
Riley almost reminded his dad that he himself was not acting like a drunk but instead he walked out to his motorcycle. Truth be told, he was glad his dad wasn’t making him feel like shit but he still didn’t like the comparison. He would never let himself become exactly like Terry Johnson.
WEEKS PASSED AND RILEY missed Aidan more and more. He’d been able to refrain from calling him but knew, that day after school, he would do it.
Riley sat in his empty living room and dialed his ex-boyfriend’s number. His heart seemed to stop beating when a recording came on the line. “The number you have reached is temporarily out of order. If you believe you received this message in error, please hang up and try again.”
“Get off your lazy ass and start packing,” Terry yelled as he walked into the room.
Riley startled and dropped his phone. “What...what the hell did I do? You can’t kick me out. I’m only sixteen.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around you, dumb shit. Your uncle kicked us out. We have to go live in town for a while.”
“But he can’t do that,” Riley asserted. “This ranch is part yours.”
“Not anymore,” Terry murmured as he started throwing stuff in a box. “The asshole got the executors of my dear father’s estate to revoke my stake.”
Riley felt like he was drowning. This was not what he needed. “Why?”
“Just get busy packing,” Terry snarled tossing a box and a roll of tape at his son’s feet.
Riley new exactly why though. His uncle was a greedy asshole who would do anything to get complete control of the ranch, including using his own brother’s alcoholism against him. Whatever happened to brother helping brother?
An hour later, they had all their personal belongings packed and loaded into Terry’s truck. It wasn’t a surprise when the Hanover County Sheriff’s deputy showed up to escort them off the property.
“Where do we go now, Dad?” Would they end up homeless?
“My new boss owns a condo complex and has leased me a unit.”
“You got a new job already?”
“Yeah. It helps to be friendly with the bar owner where you hang out. I’m the new bartender out at the bar on County Road.”
Well, if that wasn’t a disaster waiting to happen. “Cool!”
Riley got himself settled into his room while his dad unpacked the rest of the house. The first thing he wanted to do was get on his computer and see if he and Aidan were still friends on LifeSHARE. He could get a message to him that way.
“Yes! You forgot to unfriend me,” he whispered. Now he just needed to send a message. “Hey. How are you? Enjoying the circuit again? Things are so boring here without you. And to top it all off my dad and I got kicked off the ranch. Would love to hear from you. Miss you. Love, Ri.” He read it over one time then hit send.
It was later that night when he heard the notification of a message received coming from his computer. Climbing out of bed, he grabbed his laptop and woke it up.
“Are you guys okay? I’m sorry you got kicked out. The circuit is exhausting as usual but it’s nice to keep busy. I think I miss you too.”
Riley replied. “We’re okay. Living in a rental condo in town. I tried calling but your number was out of order. Would love to talk to you some time.”
Riley closed the laptop and went to bed. The next morning when he checked his computer there were no return messages. It wasn’t until two weeks later that his phone buzzed at midnight and woke him from a dream
“Hey, it’s Aidan. I turned my phone off while I’m gone. The circuit provides me with one to use. Text or call this number anytime you want. I’ll answer or return your call when I can.”
“I’m beat tonight. Will call you tomorrow.”
“Talk to you then.”
Riley sent a heart emoji, put his phone up and fell asleep with a smile on his face for the first time in a long time.
RILEY PACED HIS SMALL bedroom waiting for his dad to leave for work. He was nervous as hell about making the phone call to his ex-boyfriend. He needs to have more space than this room afforded him.
“Make sure you clean the living room!” Terry hollered just seconds before the door slammed behind him.
“Riley hurried out to the main living space while hitting speed dial. Hopefully, Aidan could talk.”
“Hey, Ri.”
“Hi. Do you have time to talk?”
“Yeah. Today is an off day. I’m just hanging out on the bus.”
“Oh...uh...okay.” God, he was actually speechless.
“Are you really okay? How is your dad handling things?”
“Surprisingly, we’re doing okay. The condo isn’t too bad and I think Terry is happy to be away from my Uncle Joseph.”
Aidan laughed. “So, you might get a few months of peace from your old man.”
“I’m hoping.”
There was silence between the two until Aidan finally broke it. “Look Ri, I’m mad, I’m hurt, but it’s starting to fade because I miss you. I don�
�t know if I can trust you but I want you in my life somehow.”
“Friends?”
“Yes. For now.”
“So, are you coming home anytime soon?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe for a few days in June.”
“Okay, I’d like to see you.”
“Same here. Post a current pic on LifeSHARE and I’ll do the same. I think that’s the closest we’ll get for now.”
“Yeah, unfortunately,” Riley sighed. “But it will do.”
“I heard a bit of a chuckle in that sigh,” Aidan pointed out. “What was that about?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Yeah you are, but you don’t have to tell me now. Save it for next time so I know you’ll call me back.”
“Deal. I miss you, A.”
“I miss you to. Talk to you soon.”
“Bye.” Riley had a smile on his face the whole time he cleaned the condo for his father. Usually, he wouldn’t have done it but he had the energy to burn.
AS FEBRUARY FADED INTO March and some days switched from freezing to almost warm, Riley found plenty of things to keep him busy. When he wasn’t riding his motorcycle along the many back roads near Harper’s Rock, he was doing his duty alongside his ranching buddies. No one knew about the almost nightly calls to or from Aidan.
“Hello,” Riley answered with a smile that he wished Aidan could see.
“Hey, what did you do today?”
“I rode my bike for a few hours then hung out at the arcade.”
“Your fascination with that motorcycle scares me,” Aidan said softly. “You always go too fast.”
“Hey,” Riley soothed. “I’m always careful and I always wear a helmet. You should ride with me sometime. You might like it.”
Aidan laughed. “I think I’ll leave that up to you. Speed and danger are not my things.”
It was Riley’s turn to laugh. “You can’t tell me that racing bikes aren’t dangerous.”
Aidan was quiet for a moment. “Okay, maybe this isn’t a good subject for us.”
“We could talk about how much you miss me.”
“I really do,” Aidan whispered. “I ran into my ex the other day when he asked me out it was the easiest thing in the world to say no. I could only think about us, about how we were.”
“I’m glad.” Riley’s emotions were running wild. “I can’t believe he asked you out.”
“I can,” Aidan chuckled. “He was always a big douche who thought my world revolved around him.”
“I’m glad you said no. So, I guess that means you aren’t dating anyone?”
“No, not since you.”
“Me either,” Riley murmured.
“What about Samantha?” Aidan was quick to point out.
“We only talk once in a while now. She’s been so sick because they are trying to keep the cancer from spreading. But yeah, we’re still ‘together’.”
“I’m sorry, she’s so sick. It must be hard to watch your best friend go through that.”
Riley laughed bitterly. “She won’t even video chat with me anymore. She doesn’t want me to see her so sick.”
“She’s that bad?” Aidan asked softly.
“I guess so. They thought the cancer was gone but it came back. She’s lost a lot of weight and her hair fell out. I’m scared she won’t be here much longer.”
“Jesus, Ri. I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks. Hey, I’ve got to go. My dad has decided we need to go to Casper to spend some father son time together.”
“Oh, fun. Make sure he drives sober.”
“I will. I’ll talk to you in a couple of days.” Riley wasn’t looking forward to the trip with his father but at least he had Aidan’s call, the sound of his voice, to keep him from going totally insane.
MARCH QUICKLY TURNED into a rainy April and Riley was once again forced to shelter his motorcycle. He still had his ever increasingly annoying group of friends to keep him busy. But he found solace in his calls to Aidan. Even Samantha, who was now finally feeling a bit better and hoping for an official remission, didn’t bring him the joy his ex-boyfriend did.
Their calls now had a pattern. Riley told Aidan how his days were going and Aidan told him all about the races he helped with. Some of the stories were not only entertaining but downright hilarious. All that changed one day in mid-April.
“Hello,” Riley answered his phone at six in the morning. It was unusual for Aidan to call that early.
“Ri.”
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“No. My mentor, Keith, died last night.”
“Oh, A. I’m so sorry. What happened?”
The line was quiet except for sniffling as Aidan tried to gain control. “He was hit by a support truck. I’ve known him since I was six.”
“I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could be there.”
“Me too.” It was a whisper. “He was my guardian on the road. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish out the tour.”
“Oh man, I’m sorry, A.” What he really wanted to do was ask if that would be such a bad thing. He really wanted him home.
“I’ve got to go. I have to call my parents. I’ll call again later, okay?”
“Sure. I’ll be here. I still care about you, Aidan. So much.”
“Same here, Ri. Same here.”
Riley didn’t get much done that day. He decided to stick close to home and wait for his ex-boyfriend’s call. But it never came. It was three days later when he was finally able to get ahold of him.
“Hello.”
“Aidan! Where have you been? You never called me back.”
“I know, Ri. I’m sorry. It’s been four days of hell. We headed back to Keith’s home town in Ohio and we didn’t have a signal for most of the time. And yesterday, after the funeral, I just tuned out.”
Riley figuratively breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s okay, A. I was just a little worried.”
“I’m sorry. I just...I’ve never had someone this close to me die before. It has completely sapped me.”
“It sucks. I understand. If you need space, just let me know.”
“No!” Aidan hurried to say. “I need you. I want to come home and see you but I made a commitment so I’m going to see it through.”
“Okay. We can talk or video chat still. I don’t mind.”
“Do you still miss me?” Aidan whispered over the line.
“Of course, I do.”
“I miss you too. I think I might still love you, Ri.”
“I...”
“You don’t feel the same I take it.”
“It’s not that. It’s just that I...I don’t want to say it until we see each other again.”
“Hopefully, June.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
Aidan chuckled. “Talk to you soon.”
Riley hung up the phone and laid down on his bed to think. He knew he loved Aidan in some way but was it enough to outweigh his physical addiction to him? The closer their phone calls brought them, the more Riley couldn’t wait to take him to bed. Yeah, the sweetness and chats were there but his physical need sometimes over powered everything else. He couldn’t even count the number of times he’d jerked off thinking about him. Was his ‘love’ mostly physical? Sometimes he thought so but other times he just wanted to hear his voice.
All he could do was pray that June would get there soon and he would know what to do when they were face to face again. Until then he would pretend that everything was okay and live his life like he had been.
A few of the rancher kids were trying to distance themselves because he now lived in town but since his family still owned and ran the ranch, he couldn’t be kicked out of the group. For now, that was a good thing.
By May, Riley was more than happy that school was almost over for the year. He would be a senior with no real competition for the starting quarterback position. Maybe it would be his year to shine. His plan was to talk the coach into letting him use
the facilities to practice for the month of June before official practice started in July. But first, he had to bring up his Chem grade so he’d be eligible. It was a little hard to concentrate when he was watching the clock and waiting for the phone to ring. Luckily, it would be any moment. “Hello.”
“Hey, Ri. What’s up?”
“Trying to study Chem so I can pass the final. It’s 75 percent of our grade and I suck at it.”
“I could help. Chemistry is my best subject.”
“Oh yeah, you’re Aidan St. George the science guy, huh?” he teased.
“Something like that,” Aidan chuckled. “Just let me know when and we’ll video chat a couple of study sessions.”
“Thank you, man. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem. So, other than science, what’s going on?”
“Nothing much. All I want is for school to be over. I need a break. Speaking of which, do you know if you’ll be visiting in June?”
“I might be coming home actually. Jeff is thinking about giving it up. Since Keith died, it’s just not the same.”
Riley’s hopes soared. “So...when will you know?”
“Hopefully soon. He wants to see how he does in next week’s race.”
“Well let me know as soon as you find out. I’ll plan you a surprise welcome home party.”
“Oh God,” Aidan groaned. “Please don’t.”
“Alright, alright, I won’t. But we’ll definitely have to get together when you get back.”
“Of course. Hey, I’d better go, I’ll talk to you soon. Text me dates and times for studying.”
“Okay. Bye, A.”
Riley planned two times to study and texted Aidan the info. Two more weeks of hell and he’d be free to ride his motorcycle all summer, except for football practice of course. And if Aidan came home for good, he’d have plenty of time to win him back.
5
BACK TO REALITY
RILEY HEARD BEEPING and muffled voices. Where was he? He didn’t feel like he was on the couch in the coach’s office anymore but he didn’t remember leaving. And why was he so weak? He hadn’t practiced that hard.
