Tainted Bastard

by Terri Anne Browning

  Me.

  He wanted me the most.

  Chapter 11

  Roanna

  I wasn’t kidding about wanting to sing with Sin. I loved his voice, could pick it out of any of the others when they were singing backup. It reminded me a lot of Andy Biersack, and I knew we would sound amazing together.

  He seemed reluctant about it, however, but I wasn’t going to let him back out of our deal. I wanted this more than anything, ever, and he’d already promised he would. No way was I letting him back out.

  Determined to make him keep his promise, I showed up at his apartment the next evening, the song I picked for us already in hand.

  After Tainted Knights got their huge-ass contract, one Rolling Stone claimed was the biggest contract they had seen since Demon’s Wings had been signed twenty-plus years before, Sin moved. I knew that because he had a huge party once he was settled in and invited my soul sisters and me.

  I hadn’t been back since then, but if I wanted to ensure he followed through, I was willing to go the extra step of stopping in unannounced and forcing him to rehearse the song with me.

  Pounding on his apartment door, I waited for him to answer, trying to hide just how nervous I was to be alone with him in his apartment for however long it took to convince him this song was perfect for us and get him to go through it a few times with me.

  That was all this was, I told myself as I wiped my damp palms on my jeans. I wanted him to sing with me. It had nothing to do with the fact that I wanted to be alone with him. Nothing whatsoever.

  A minute passed before the door opened, and a bleary-eyed Sin stood in the doorway, dressed in a pair of black pajama bottoms and a tight white T-shirt. “What?” he grumbled, not even looking up.

  “You know it’s like three in the afternoon, right?”

  His lids lifted at the sound of my voice, and I saw surprised pleasure in their depths. “Considering I didn’t fall asleep until like nine this morning, no, I had no idea what time it was, sweet girl.”

  He stepped back, and I walked in. “What kept you up so late?” I asked casually as I moved into the living room and dropped down onto the couch like I did this all the time and was completely comfortable with it.

  Sin shut the door and followed me, crossing his arms over his thick chest. “This beautiful Blonde was on my mind and made it impossible for me to sleep. All I could think about was how much I wished she hadn’t sent me home, or how much I wanted to taste her lips, or how fucking bad I wished she would show up at my door.” He stopped in front of me and bent until his face was only inches from mine. “And look here, dreams do come true.”

  My heart was pounding ferociously in my chest, and all I could see were Sin’s eyes. There was a hunger in them that made something tighten low in my tummy, and I had to press my thighs together tightly to ease the pain.

  His breath brushed over my cheek, and I nearly whimpered. “What are you doing here, Ro?”

  I swallowed roughly. “I… Uh… I brought the song so we could rehearse it.”

  He sighed heavily and straightened, putting some much-needed distance between us. “You really want me to sing with you?”

  “You have a great voice, Sin. I know we will sound perfect together.”

  Scrubbing his hands over his face, he groaned. “All right, fine. Since you want it so much, I’ll do it. Let me grab a quick shower first, though. And some coffee. Then we can work on it.”

  Happy, I settled back against the couch cushions more comfortably. “Take your time. I have nowhere else to be.”

  “Make yourself at home,” he tossed over his shoulder as he headed for his bedroom. “I won’t be long.”

  Once he was gone, I decided to make him some coffee so I would have something to do. The kitchen was on the small side, but it had everything a single guy needed. Fridge, which I found was stocked full of beer and not much else. There was also a microwave, coffeemaker, and stove.

  Other than the coffeemaker, everything else looked unused. I doubted he ate at home much, and for some reason, I was glad. The thought of Sin eating alone every day made my heart hurt.

  After putting the coffee on, I looked for the sugar. He had a small box of sugar packets which I made use of for my own coffee, and then I pulled out the creamer. I’d seen him drink coffee enough times to know how he took his, and once the coffee finished brewing, I made us each a cup.

  Carrying them into the living room, I sat waiting for him to rejoin me. The living room was spotless of dust and disarray, so I figured he had someone clean the place for him regularly. There was a huge flat screen television mounted on the wall, but when I looked at the universal remote for the thing, I decided not to turn it on. I was technologically challenged and knew I would only screw something up embarrassingly that he would have to fix later.

  A few minutes later, he came out of his bedroom. His hair was still damp from the shower, but he was dressed in jeans and a faded Metallica T-shirt. Barefoot, he crossed to the couch and lifted his mug of coffee with a thankful groan. “Fuck, this is good coffee.”

  Suddenly nervous again, I unfolded the music I’d brought with me. “You’re not allowed to say no to this song. When I first heard your voice, I got this idea in my head, and it has been eating away at me ever since.”

  Glancing at the sheet music, he bit off a curse. “You want to do a cover of Lita Ford and Ozzy?”

  “Shut up. I love this song. Lzzy Hale and David Draiman did a cover of this song too. It was pretty kick-ass, in my opinion. And when we sing it next Thursday night, the crowd is going to lose their shit.”

  “I think I want to renegotiate the terms of this deal of ours,” he announced, grasping my wrist.

  “You’re not backing out,” I told him with a glare. “You said I could have anything I wanted, and this is what I want.”

  He tugged, pulling me toward him, and I went without protest. “I’m not backing out. But I’m thinking you eating a single piece of meat isn’t nearly enough reward for this particular song.”

  I gulped, my eyes suddenly glued to his lips, and I was unable to lift them. “Wh-What kind of reward?” I whispered.

  His head lowered until his nose skimmed over my cheek. “A kiss,” he breathed.

  It was a wonder the room didn’t suddenly fill with fog the way my body immediately went both hot and cold. Kiss Sin. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about doing just that a hundred times since meeting him. Sometimes, before the nightmares invaded my sleep, I would dream of him pressing me up against the wall in the green room and devouring my mouth.

  It was bliss in the most innocent form of my imagination, because even though Sicko Stan took away every other innocence I had, he’d never once kissed me. I had no experience in that department other than seeing other people do it.

  But I wasn’t sure I could actually kiss Sin in reality. What if I didn’t do it right and he laughed?

  While I was struggling internally, Sin touched his lips to the corner of my mouth. That gentle contact was as powerful as if he’d electrocuted me. My heart skipped a beat and need burned through me, only to settle low in my gut, making my panties damp. I gasped in surprise.

  Taking advantage of my slightly open mouth, he skimmed the tip of his tongue over my bottom lip, giving me just a tease of his taste, creamy sweet coffee with a hint of something much more addictive than caffeine. One of his hands cupped my jaw, his thumb brushing over the corner of my mouth, silently urging me to open wider for him.

  Too lost in his taste, in the simple yet enticing feel of his lips and tongue tempting me to kiss him back, I let him have whatever he wanted. When his tongue brushed over my own, I moaned in surprised pleasure.

  I forgot to feel embarrassed, forgot about being scared, and enjoyed every second of his kiss.

  The hand cupping my jaw moved into my hair, his fingers knotting the strands at the root and tilting my head back so he could deepen his invasion. />
  It wasn’t until I felt his other hand skimming up my side, his fingers brushing over my breasts, that I jerked back, my heart pounding. Sin lifted his head, and I watched in fascination as he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, as if savoring the taste of me. His eyes were bright with a hunger that startled me, but he smiled and touched his lips to my forehead before pulling away.

  “You taste so fucking good, sweet girl,” he groaned.

  Heat filled my cheeks, but I couldn’t look away from him. “Was that…okay?”

  He jerked, surprised by my shyly asked question. “Don’t you know?” I lifted one shoulder in an embarrassed half shrug. “Ro, was that your first kiss?”

  My lack of answer was all the confirmation he needed.

  One second, I was sitting on the couch; the next, I was on his lap and his hands were tangled in my hair, his lips back on mine. This kiss wasn’t nearly as gentle as the first, but I was just as into it. I liked how he groaned against my lips before he crushed them with his own.

  The way he was in complete control should have scared the hell out of me, but for some reason, it didn’t. I leaned into him, my hands pressing against his chest, and let him teach me to kiss.

  When he lifted his head sometime later, my lips felt sore and swollen, and we were both breathing hard. His jaw clenched and unclenched, and under my hip, I felt just how much he was into our little make-out session.

  “You never should have let me kiss you,” he breathed, pressing his forehead against mine.

  “Wh-Why not?” I asked shakily.

  “Because now I’m not going to be able to stop. Knowing I’m the only fucker to ever taste your lips is driving me fucking insane, Ro.” His hands fell to my hips, readjusting me on his lap, pressing me down into his hardness. “I want you so goddamn bad right now.”

  “Sin… I…”

  He lifted his head until our gazes locked. As he saw the panic in my eyes, some of the lust faded from his gaze, and he pulled my head down onto his chest. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m not going to touch you like that. Not yet. Not ever, if that’s what you want. I would never force you, sweet girl.”

  I sagged with relief and embarrassment, pressing my face into his shoulder. “I-I know,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

  I felt his lips touch the top of my head. “Don’t be. We can go as slow as you want. But could you please stop pushing me away and calling me your damn friend?”

  “You don’t want to be my friend?” I couldn’t hide the quiver in my voice and pressed my face harder against his shoulder, breathing in deep the scent of his body wash and deodorant.

  “Ro, look at me,” he commanded.

  I shook my head, hurt that he didn’t want me to consider him my friend. I didn’t have many. My soul sisters and he were my closest, and I didn’t want to lose that. Coming to see him was a bad idea. That kiss was amazing, but it seemed to have ruined everything.

  “Ah, sweet girl,” he muttered. Wrapping my long hair around his wrist, he pulled my head back, making me look at him. “I want to be more than your friend, Roanna. So damn much more. I’ve always wanted more, but you wouldn’t let me close enough to show you that.”

  “I have my reasons,” I mumbled. Like needing the extra protection of keeping him firmly in the friend zone, so whenever I happened to see him with someone else, it wouldn’t hurt. Which, in all honesty, hadn’t worked at all. That shit stung every single time I saw him at the gym talking to other women. And the few times I’d seen him leave with them had been like someone poured acid directly onto my heart. It was agony, but at least I could remind myself that we were just friends. Nothing more.

  “Like?”

  No way was I telling him about my jealousy. Instead, I gave him my second reason. “Because I’m broken. Sex is terrifying to me, Sin. The things Sicko Stan did… I don’t know if I could ever find sex enjoyable because I would always be thinking about him.”

  “What did Sicko Stan do to you?” he demanded.

  It was the first time I had ever brought up what happened to me, the first time he’d asked after having told me about his own abuse. I wasn’t sure if I could tell him everything that happened yet, but he deserved to know a little.

  “He would come into my room almost every night and rape me. I was thirteen, and he… He broke me.” Now I was defective. A shell of the person I could have been not just on stage, but off it as well.

  “How long did it go on?” he asked, his tone low and soothing, tempting me to tell him everything. But just under the surface, I saw his rage beginning to boil. Yet, for whatever reason, it didn’t scare me.

  “Six months,” I admitted.

  “What happened to make him stop?”

  “London, Genesis, and Aubree saved me. They heard me crying out for help one night when I couldn’t handle it any longer. Aubree had only arrived at the foster home the week before. She kept a knife with her everywhere she went, and when she heard me screaming, she and the others came running to my rescue. London and Genesis jumped on his back, and Aubree…” I shuddered at the memory before finishing. “She swung the knife, and it cut his penis. Deep. He nearly died.”

  “Good,” he growled. “I knew there was a reason I liked her the most.”

  “Me too,” I whispered, lowering my eyes to my lap.

  We were both quiet for several minutes before he touched my cheek with gentle fingers. “You’re not broken, Ro. I won’t rush you. It’s been like a year and a half, babe. I think I’ve proven by now that I would never hurt you.”

  I leaned into his touch. “I know you wouldn’t.”

  “Give me a chance.”

  A hundred different reasons why I shouldn’t flashed through my head, yet I found myself giving in with one simple world. “Okay.”

  Chapter 12

  Sin

  One word and I was happier than I could ever remember feeling in my entire life. My fingers contracted on her hips. “Really?”

  Roanna’s smile was shy and sweet, and all I wanted to do was taste those lips again. “Yeah. Okay. Sin, I really like you. I care about you. There are so many reasons why we shouldn’t be together, but I want to be more than just your friend.”

  I grazed my lips over the tip of her nose. “You’re perfect, do you know that?” Unable to stop myself, I kissed her again.

  My cock flexed against her ass, but that fucker was in for a painful surprise. Kissing her was all that was going to happen until I knew she was ready for more. I wasn’t going to screw this up by letting my cock dick me over.

  Her nails bit into my biceps, and her sweet little whimpers of pleasure were killing me. For someone who’d never kissed anyone before now, she seemed to enjoy it a hell of a lot. I needed to remind myself she was a newbie to all of this.

  Lifting my head, I rubbed my thumb over her damp bottom lip. It was swollen and red. I wanted to kiss it until it was bruised and pulsing, but the thought of her hurting because of something I did to her was like claws shredding my sanity.

  Needing a distraction, I lifted her off my lap so I didn’t cripple my poor cock. “Are you hungry?”

  “A little.”

  I grabbed my phone. “I’ll order us food, and then we can rehearse this song while we wait.”

  Her entire face lit up. “So you’re going to sing it with me, after all?”

  I lifted a brow. “You thought I wouldn’t?”

  “You seemed reluctant. I know I’m pressuring you into it.”

  “Do you honestly think you could make me do anything I don’t really want to do, Ro?” As much as I wanted her, as much as I cared about her—something that continued to fuck with my head—I was still a selfish asshole. No one could make me do shit if I didn’t really want to. Not even her.

  She laughed softly. “No, I guess not. You would never let anyone manipulate you into doing anything you didn’t actually want to do.”

  I’d stopped letting anyone try to contro
l me when Brandi destroyed everything. No one, especially not a woman, was going to twist me upside down and force me to do anything against my will. Ever.

  Once the food was ordered, I grabbed my acoustic guitar out of the spare bedroom. Singing wasn’t my passion, but I knew my voice was decent. Maybe not on Jace’s level, but if singing with Roanna made her happy, I didn’t mind doing it.

  For the next hour, we went over the song, with Roanna making notes and offering ideas on how to draw out certain lyrics to make the song different from previous covers. We wouldn’t be winning a Grammy for it, but it would definitely get people’s attention when we performed it at the next Thursday night show.

  “I love your voice,” she said, her eyes on my mouth instead of taking her cue for the next verse. “You should sing more.”

  My fingers stopped strumming the guitar, and I leaned in for a kiss. “I’m good with just this.”

  When I lifted my head, she looked up at me through her thick lashes. “You’re so stubborn, you know that?”

  “You’re just realizing that, sweet girl?” She rolled her eyes, and I laughed. Before I met her, laughing was a rare occurrence for me. Now, I found myself doing it often whenever she was with me. She just made shit better, made me better.

  I couldn’t fuck this up.

  Once the food arrived and we were sitting on the living room floor, I found us something to watch. I didn’t have company often, other than Kale or Gray when they dropped by. Mostly we hung out at Gray’s because it was bigger and Kassa was there. I didn’t know how to keep guest entertained, but with Roanna, I didn’t feel like I had to.

  She was content just to sit there and watch mindless television with me. There was no need for small talk, no need to ask if she needed anything. She made herself at home, going to the fridge to get us both beers before I could even ask if she wanted something to drink. It was like she belonged there, and I liked that.

  While she was in the kitchen, her phone rang. It sat on the coffee table in front of where she’d been sitting, and I leaned forward to see who it was.