Fall to Pieces: A story about addiction and love

by Shari J. Ryan

  My heart tells me Chance and I are in this for the long haul, but baby steps are the way to go.

  “Hey, over there,” I hear.

  I look around for the voice, finding Chance’s next-door neighbor, Didi.

  “Oh, hey, Didi. It’s Didi, right?” I had only met her that one time when Chance had gotten us breakfast.

  “Yeah, it’s Didi. I just want to say it’s incredible what you did to help Chance. He’s lucky to have you. I—I um, I’ve been in love with the guy for ages now, but I’m not his type. I guess when you love someone, you end up just wanting the best for them, right?”

  I’m shocked and beside myself to be a part of this conversation. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m sorry things didn’t work out, honestly.” Not really, but it’s the cordial thing to say to an honest woman.

  “We weren't right for each other, but he’s happy. He’s got everything he wants, so—thank you for giving that to him.”

  Didi gives me a small wave and walks back into her house. The interaction kind of winds me, but I need to refocus, so I’m in the right frame of mind before stepping inside.

  Rather than letting myself into Chance’s house, I ring the doorbell. I hear voices on the other side, and as they grow closer, I can make out what they’re saying.

  “Zooey, if you ever hear the doorbell ring, make sure you wait for me to answer the door first. We don’t want to open the door for a stranger, right?” Chance tells her.

  “Nooo,” Zooey says. “Stranger danger is real.” I laugh because I taught her that.

  Chance opens the door with a beaming smile from ear to ear. “Our guest has arrived, Princess Zooey.

  Zooey is wearing n a new princess dress with a beautiful crown to match. “King Chance told me you were coming,” Zooey says.

  “Chance and I are best friends, so I think you'll be seeing me a lot. Is that okay with you?” I ask her.

  Zooey wraps her arms around my legs. “Yes, yes, yes! This is perfect, Miss Tay. It’s just like I have a mom and a dad now.”

  Her words have a way of shattering my heart. I’m used to hearing children make big statements in hopes of getting their way, but Zooey has me wrapped around her finger, and her comment hits me hard.

  I run my fingers through her curled ponytail. “Can you show me to the dinner table?” I ask.

  “I sure can. Follow me.”

  Chance closes the door behind me and catches me as Zooey is dragging me ahead. With her back to us, he places a quick kiss on my lips.

  Dinner is full of laughs and princess jokes that Zooey keeps making up on the spot.

  “It’s almost time for bed, Zooey,” Chance tells her.

  “Well then, I guess I should put on my printhess pajamas. I’ll be right back. Make sure I don’t miss anything.”

  Zooey’s bedroom door closes, and Chance closes his eyes and places his hand on his heart. “August, I already love her to pieces. She’s incredible. Today was one of the best days of my life.”

  He takes my hand and lifts it, placing a kiss on my knuckles. “Your happiness means the world to me,” I tell him. “Chance, I’ve fallen in love with you. I really really love you.”

  “No,” he says. “No, no, no, you’re not supposed to say that yet.”

  My throat turns dry, and my heart stops for a minute. It might just be a second or two, but Chance’s surprised look morphs into a smile. “What do you mean ... I’m so sorry. Is it too soon?”

  Chance nods his head. “I had this all planned out. Tonight, before you went home, I was going to say good night to you, and you were going to say good night back. Then I was going to whisper into your ear—” Chance stands from his seat and hovers over me, bringing his lips to my ear. “I love you, August.”

  My cheeks tingle from the sensation of his breath on my neck. “You do?” I ask, twisting in my chair to face him.

  “It’s more than that,” he says. “It hasn’t been long, I know that, but sometimes in life when things happen, the arrow is there, pointing you down the path you’re supposed to follow, right?”

  “I believe so,” I tell him.

  “We’ll do this slowly because I want to date you a hell of a lot more first, and I want to watch your heart heal and your urges go away. When you’re better, I’m still going to be standing here by your side because the only signs I see ... are pointing toward a future with you in it.”

  The thoughts swirl through my mind countless times. I’ve been feeling those thoughts, focusing on them, praying everything would come together the way it seemed to be going. This is what I want. “I’m going to get better for good, Chance. I’m going to heal, and I’m going to move on from my past. I’m doing it for me, and then I’m going to be a hundred percent in this for us. I’m not going anywhere. This is where I want to be.”

  “I love you,” he whispers again.

  “I love you too,” Zooey says, sneaking up behind us. Oh, dear God. “Best friends always love each other. We’re all best friends now, right?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Chance answers her, lifting her up and propping her on his hip. “Tomorrow, we’re going to Six Flags. Do you know what that is?”

  “Yes!” Zooey shrieks. “I saw it on TV. They have rides and Looney Tunes!”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Chance tells her.

  “Is Miss Tay coming too?”

  “You’ll have to ask her yourself,” Chance insists.

  “I would be delighted to join you,” I tell her. Zooey, you know what, you can just call me Auggie, okay? We’re best friends now.”

  She smiles shyly and shrugs her shoulders. “Yeah, we always have been.” Zooey takes my hand and pulls me from my seat. “Come look at my new bedroom. You can put me to bed with Chance.”

  I follow Zooey into the room I helped decorate. Once again, the blinding pink and purple walls and the vibrant bright white comforter with all the pillow fixings bring a smile to my face. We built her a princess wardrobe closet to hang all her dresses, which I see she has already replaced the one she was wearing today.

  Zooey pulls down the comforter and climbs into bed. “Auggie,” she sighs, waving me over.

  “What’s up, kiddo?”

  She pulls my head down so she can whisper into my ear. “Will you stay here tonight?”

  I kneel next to her bed. “Are you scared?”

  She shakes her head. “No, I love Chance. I just love you too. Can’t I have both of you?”

  I look up at Chance, wondering what I should say. We agreed I’d be giving them some space aside from fun outings, but we think it’s crucial for Zooey to get the time she needs to get adjusted. “Well,” Chance says. I’m not sure he has anything to follow it with, though.

  “Best friends have sleepovers all the time, right?” Zooey continues.

  “They do,” I tell her. “But, not tonight, Zooey. You need to adjust to your new home. That’s what’s important right now.”

  “I guess, but this is nice,” she says with an easy smile.

  “I’m glad you’re happy.”

  “Me too,” she sighs.

  “Goodnight, kiddo. Chance is going to say goodnight now, okay?”

  “Okay,” she says, seeming complacent.

  I press my hand against Chance’s shoulder on the way out of the room and tend to the dining room to clean up the dishes from dinner.

  This feels good. I pray it works out the way it should.

  After a few minutes, Chance meets me in the kitchen and starts drying the dishes I’ve washed. “I like this,” he says. “I love this.”

  “Me cleaning your dishes?” I joke.

  Chance hip-checks me gently. “No, goofball. All of this.”

  “It’s pretty amazing.”

  “Did I throw a monkey wrench at you with everything I said earlier?” Chance asks.

  My mouth falls open with surprise. I thought I responded to his statement with sheer happiness. I wouldn’t want him to question anything I said.

  “So,
do you think this could be the beginning of our happily ever after … because it kind of feels like all of our broken pieces are falling into place together. Is it just me feeling this way?” he asks as he needs to confirm it all. I think he’s had one too many conversations about princesses today.

  “I’d say I’m also seeing signs of a happily ever after with my—Chance—of a lifetime.”

  “Wow, that was the corniest joke I’ve ever heard.”

  “No, it’s not,” I argue.

  “It’s up there, darlin’.”

  Epilogue Part I

  Chance

  Four Years Later

  “Dad, do you have the soccer ball? I can’t find it in the closet?” Zooey asks.

  “I got it, sweetheart. I already put it in the car. Your breakfast is on the table,” I tell her.

  I watch Zooey from the kitchen, swinging her long auburn pigtails as she plops down in her seat. “You made my favorite!”

  “You need your energy for the big game this morning,” I tell her. “Eat up, kiddo.”

  August jogs into the kitchen, seeming frazzled and rushed. “What’s the matter, darlin’?”

  “I can’t find my bracelet. Have you seen it?”

  “No, but we can find it after the game. I’m sure it’s around here somewhere.”

  “No, no, I need it before the game. That team is undefeated, and I swear if they lose today, it would be because I don’t have my bracelet on—it will be all my fault.”

  “Mom,” Zooey laments. I see Zooey’s hand outstretched as she munches on her toast with the other hand. “It’s right where you left it, silly.”

  “You love watching me drive myself bonkers, don’t you?” Augusts asks Zooey as she places a kiss on the top of her head. “You need orange juice.”

  “No, I need coffee,” Zooey tells her.

  “You are raring to go this morning, aren’t you, little lady?”

  “Who do I remind you of, mom?” Zooey giggles.

  “Me, I know,” August sighs.

  August slips her bracelet on and struggles to clasp it closed. “Let me help, darlin’.” August smiles and holds her wrist out to me. I press on the word forever and connect the hinge. “You really think this is good luck?”

  “You have yours on, and Zooey has hers. Of course, it is.” I gave my girls their bracelets the day Zooey became ours. It took a year for the adoption to go through after she first moved in. August and I were married just six months later.

  We’ve got our wedding bands, but these bracelets are the inseparable bond between the three of us—soon to be four.

  Zooey begged us for a little brother or a sister. She didn’t have to beg too hard, but we wanted to wait a while. Now, in August, I will be outnumbered by the three ladies in my life.

  My hands might be full, but my heart is exploding with joy.

  “Can we have ice cream after the game?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I tell her. “When have we skipped ice cream after a game?”

  “Never,” Zooey says.

  “Exactly.”

  Epilogue Part II

  August

  Four Years Later

  There was a time when whiskey caused me tears. Then, I chose whiskey over tears. It was stupid, and it almost cost me my life, but all mistakes turn into lessons. What I learned was ... it’s okay to fall, and it’s okay to use a ladder to climb back up. It’s okay to make mistakes. That’s why we get second chances. Long ago, one teacher took a moment to tell me to be a friend to someone in need. That friend was Keegan. His life wasn’t long, but he needed someone, and I stuck with him until the end. He was an important lesson for me, one that taught me to appreciate life and whatever the future would bring my way. He taught me how to give love and help someone in need. That led me to my career, which in turn led me to Chance and Zooey. It also led me to baby Aubrey, who will be the final piece to our world soon.

  I broke after Keegan took his life. I shattered into a million pieces and couldn’t figure out how to put myself back together again. I never had a drinking problem until a drinking problem had me. It only took a week. I thought it couldn’t happen to me. I thought I could stop anytime I wanted, but I was wrong. It masked the pain until the whiskey dried up, and the tears stopped falling.

  After I hit rock bottom, I got help. I stuck with AA, not just for me, but in honor of Keegan and for all that he could have been. That was the difference between us. He needed to do it for himself, and he couldn’t. We weren’t meant to be soul mates, but if he had been able to commit to getting the help he needed, he might still be here today.

  Life isn’t always straightforward, but I’ve learned that everything happens for a reason, and if I didn't fall to pieces all those years ago, I wouldn’t be a part of this whole.

  Bonus

  Take a peek at a preview from one of my bestselling series

  LAST WORDS

  * * *

  Amelia - 1942:

  The inside of my closet held the last bit of my freedom before I was torn from my home and shoved onto a dark train.

  Our destination was even darker. “Women and children to the right. Men to the left,” they shouted at us.

  Everything was taken from me, leaving only the smoke filled air, piercing screams, and soul-burning cries.

  I was slowly starved and weakened to the bone, but there was a man—a Nazi—who brought me extra food. He called himself a prisoner too, but he scared me, and I wondered if he was the enemy I should fear the most.

  Emma - Current Day:

  My grandmother hid her past in an old diary under her bed. The tattered, brown leather book sat there for years until she asked me to find it and read her unspoken words. Now, her stories and secrets are consuming every moment of my life.

  She’s dying ... and asking for a man no one in our family has ever heard of.

  I never imagined a hand-written book could change my entire life, but it has. It opened my eyes to a new beginning, and I learned that love is not the unsaid word my grandmother has refused to speak. It’s an action—it’s longevity, taboo and sometimes forbidden. Do we fight for what’s wrong, or do we spend our lives searching for what’s right?

  Last words were never spoken because love doesn’t stop until a heart is no longer beating.

  * * *

  PROLOGUE

  AMELIA

  * * *

  Since 1945, my story has remained hidden deep within the corners of my mind and blacked out as if with a permanent marker, in hopes that no one else would ever know. I’ve been holding on to these silent memories for such a long time, but I’m becoming weak. I’ve always known that the truth might someday be stronger than my will to be silent, but I can’t imagine what my secrets would do to those I love.

  This may be cliché, but I’m going to start my story with a once upon a time...except my life hasn’t been a fairytale—far from it. In fact, for a long time, I believed a happy ending meant death.

  During my early years as a child, I had a perfect life. The sun shone golden rays across Bohemia’s breathtaking sky and bore its warmth down on the silky, green-grass-covered soil. I lived in color—rich with vivid hues, and I danced through the mustard fields, twirling my dress as my hair blew like weeping willows in the breeze. My heart was protected, my life blessed with knowledge, and I was surrounded by love. There was a lightness in my mind and a feeling of completeness in my soul that made each day feel like a gift from above.

  Then, a day came when the sun was taken away. The sky became dark with heavy clouds, and my world turned gray. Raindrops that once fell from the sky bled into the tears that burned down my cheeks.

  I thought darkness was all I had left after losing everything I’d ever known and loved, but through a cloud of dust and despair, I found a glimmer of hope—a smile amongst the sunken cheeks and rotting corpses.

  He should never have smiled at me, and I shouldn’t have acknowledged him when he did, but once it started, there was no turning
back. I never considered the possibility of how it would end until I felt the heartbreak of loneliness again. His smile was gone. The warm touches we shared through my cold shivers would never heat my body again, and the worst part was that all hope was lost.

  It was all for nothing. It would have been easier to have never felt that kind of love because once I knew how good it could feel, I didn’t think I’d ever feel that way again.

  As the world caved in on itself, I allowed the pain and misery to pour from my eyes one last time before making a silent vow to never give another ounce of power to those who wanted to dominate the weak.

  I traveled through the phases of bitter denial, revenge, hate, sorrow—and finally, the emptiness that would be a part of me forever.

  When the sun returned and the grass grew back, those who had survived slowly allowed their wounds to heal, but there was a numbness inside all of us—protection from feeling the pain of the memories that would last a lifetime.

  To forget and move on as if it never happened was the only way to survive. I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t lived through the most demoralizing and destructive five years this world has ever seen.

  I moved to America, leaving the enemy behind. I lived on, shielding myself from the memories. I lived up to society’s moral standards and expectations by getting married and having children. I cooked, cleaned, and supported those I love. Then, over time, my past became a part of the earth like the bones and ashes in that far away land.

  There is one exception, though, and it’s the part of me I have only pretended to forget—my secret. In fact, some would consider what I did to be as wrong, and equally horrendous, as what the heartless ones did to my whole race.