by Cait Ashwood
“I, um, we—” she stammered, unable to get the words out. She glanced quickly at his face, which was so full of varying emotions she’d drive herself insane trying to figure them all out. She put her face in her hands again, aware that her hands were shaking.
But suddenly she wasn’t standing there alone. Hound put his arms around her shoulders, stiffly pulling her into his chest. She turned her head so her ear was pressed over his heart and let the steady beat work to calm her down.
“It’s just me, Auds.” He sighed, and she could feel him shaking his head. “I don’t bite.”
Just get it over with. “We have to be together on the solstice.”
Complete silence. He’d stiffened, but didn’t push her away. Beneath her ear, his heart raced.
“And-and afterwards, you come into the Grove. That’s where the cleansing happens. Then…you’re free.”
“Why?”
The single-word reply was like a nail hammering into the coffin of her hopes. His voice was even deeper than usual, the question short and clipped.
Audrey pushed away from his chest, not able to take it any longer. She wandered off a few steps, putting some distance between them. She’d spoken to Ellen about the process in more detail before calling Hound, hopeful that she’d be able to answer all his questions. “Ellen tried a few times, but didn’t have any success until she’d slept with him. She theorized that her body had to be familiar with his taint before she could cure him.” She kept her back to him. It was easier this way.
“It’s been done before. Successfully.”
She nodded, hand pressed against the bark of a nearby tree for support. Not that trees were great at giving moral support, but she’d take what she could get.
“Where is he now?”
Audrey shivered. “Dead. When they discovered he’d somehow defeated the taint, they killed him.”
“Figures.”
The silence stretched on. Audrey wasn’t entirely sure what to say. There wasn’t a way to reassure him that he’d be fine for the rest of his life. Except maybe… “He was Gwyn’s father. It’s why she’s not actually a half-breed. Ellen intentionally kept her mildly poisoned with the taint so that she’d fit in. To keep her alive.”
She could hear him pacing behind her, but she couldn’t make herself look at him. She was doing everything she could to keep her emotions in a box, and apparently he was doing the same as she got nothing through the mark’s connection. His feet fell in a steady rhythm, so regulated that she didn’t even notice when the pacing came closer until he was standing in front of her, eyes narrowed with his arms crossed over his chest.
“And you’re okay with this.” He said it as a statement, but one eyebrow was raised.
She flinched, getting hit with a wave of his self-loathing. He cut it off quickly.
“Hound…I would do anything to free you from this.”
He readjusted his arms over his chest, if anything squeezing them more tightly together. “Why?”
Audrey swallowed, her mind racing. He was listening, and that was good, but her next words could make or break everything. No matter how many words or phrases ran through her mind, she couldn’t come up with a damned thing that sounded right.
But there was the mark. If she couldn’t tell him, maybe she could show him. She’d have to be direct, keep it simple. She closed her eyes, remembering how relieved she’d been when he’d found her in that cell, that hell hole. She hadn’t been worried about her survival, or her wounds. All she’d cared about was that he was there. She focused on that emotion, and slowly reached her arm into the space between them, letting her fingers brush over the leather of his chest piece until her hand hovered over the mark. Then she let it go.
Her eyes flicked to his face, desperate for any sign that it was working. His eyes widened slightly, his pupils dilating. Slowly, he turned his head down to stare at where her hand rested on his chest.
Fear of rejection washed over her and she pulled her hand back before it could affect the mark. She turned away, but didn’t get to stay that way. His hand on her arm spun her back around and he advanced on her until her back was pressed against a nearby tree.
“How…how long?” His voice broke on the words, and more emotion showed in his eyes than she’d ever seen.
His grip on her bicep was strong, but she didn’t even feel the discomfort, nearly hypnotized. “I don’t know, really. It’s like,” she paused, fishing for words, “it’s like it was always there, but I never dared to hope—”
She didn’t get to finish as his lips crushed down on hers. She froze for half a second in shock, then responded, letting her eyes flutter closed. This was no romantic kiss; this was a claim staked. He pulled away and she panted to get her breath back. He let their foreheads bump together, keeping her pinned against the tree. She tried to look at him, but his eyes were still closed.
“What about Ace?” His voice was resigned, weary.
She could almost feel him pulling away from her, though he hadn’t moved. “He knows things between us aren’t…romantic.”
Hound pulled back slightly, his eyes intense as he stared into her own. “Then what are they?”
“Publicly?” She shrugged, finally starting to feel the effects of his bruising grip. He relaxed his hand somewhat, but didn’t let her go. “Publicly we’re a happy, united couple. Privately?” She sighed, breaking their eye contact. “He deserves someone that can return his feelings.”
“Because you don’t.” Again with the questions-phrased-as-statements.
She shook her head, gazing into his eyes. “No. I don’t.”
The skin around his eyes relaxed and the left side of his mouth pulled up into a half-grin. It lasted for all of a second before his eyes flashed green and his tattoos flared to a nearly blinding glow.
“Shit.”
Audrey peered over Hound’s shoulder, a white glow surrounding both of her hands. Nothing could hurt her while she was in a Grove. She was ready for whatever was coming their way.
But there was nothing there. She couldn’t see a thing. Looking back at Hound, his body language was resigned, almost defeated. Whatever he’d picked up on, there wasn’t an active threat.
“Hound?”
He sighed, backing away from her. “Ace just left.”
She blinked at him. He could not have said what she just thought he said. “Ace left when he dropped me off.”
Hound shrugged. “He did phase away, but I didn’t track where to. Could have been the other side of the Grove, for all I know.”
A hollow feeling opened in her chest like a chasm. “He heard…everything?” And the kiss. Oh shit, he saw the kiss. Her fingers pressed against her lips at the memory.
“Most likely.” Hound was back to being completely standoffish. His spine was rigid and he wouldn’t look at her.
Audrey let her eyes drop to the ground. Guilt clawed at her. She’d never intended for Ace to overhear them, but she should have known. He was much too protective to go far, she’d just assumed that he understood the meaning of ‘private conversation’. After the initial surprise, however, her thinking shifted. They’d been heading towards this for a while now, and while she’d have preferred to let him down easier, perhaps a clean blow would be better in the end.
She sighed, resigned. “I’ll talk to him.” Her voice was steady, but soft. This wasn’t the first time the two men had fought over her, though Hound had been under Gretta’s control the first time. Still, she felt like she was a wedge between the men who had once been so close.
Hound frowned. “I should be the one—”
She put her hand on his arm, shaking her head slowly. “Trust me. It’ll be better coming from me.”
He stared at her for a long moment before looking away. “You don’t have to do this at all.”
Audrey bit her lower lip, thinking. “I should have done this a while ago. I thought I was clear but…maybe I wasn’t. Regardless of my own path, he should be free to fin
d someone that loves him.” She frowned, managing a chuckle. “And not a marriage arranged by his mother, either.”
Hound raised an eyebrow. “Hallie picked him out a bride?”
Audrey rolled her eyes. “She apparently had quite the life for him planned before he joined the Seekers. Had the girl staying in his old rooms and everything.”
Hound’s half-grin returned. “I’m beginning to see why he left.”
“Mmm.”
Audrey started walking through the Grove, leisurely encouraging growth here and there, trimming some plants back so they could grow to be tall and strong. Hound shadowed her, not saying much. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets and it gave him the look of a sulking teenager. Audrey turned away to hide her smile. No doubt he’d just walk off in a huff if he caught her.
“Don’t hurt him.”
The words were so unexpected that she stopped in her tracks. He nearly ran into her, putting his hands on her shoulders to help him stop in time.
“What?” Her brow furrowed and her eyes raced over his face.
“Ace. He’s a good man.” Hound let her go and turned away from her, digging at the ground with his boot. “You can heal me without leaving him.”
Oh, you poor fool. I absolutely can’t.
“We were heading towards this cliff before I found out about the cure.”
Hound didn’t turn back to her and she sighed, blowing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “Look, Hound, whether we follow up on this…thing…between us or not, I can’t in good conscience keep Ace hurting on the sidelines.”
He didn’t reply, just stood there with his back to her.
“I know you think you’re protecting him, but wouldn’t you want to hear it straight? If the person you love—” she cut herself short. She’d been about to say, ‘if the person you love loved someone else, wouldn’t you want to know?’ She let out a frustrated sigh.
He finally turned, eyes studying her face. Too late, she remembered the mark. She stuffed her feelings into a box, feeling like there was a tight band around her chest.
“I think I should be getting home.” She held her hands clasped tightly in front of her, eyes once again downcast. I’ve really stepped in it this time.
His boots came into view once more and she turned her head away to the side. She just couldn’t handle anything else right now.
The back of his fingers brushed against her cheek, and a sense of melancholy accompanied the touch. “I’m not the man you think I am.”
She chuckled, a self-deprecating sound. “No. But I know the man you are.”
He sighed heavily and she felt a brief touch at her shoulder. Next thing she knew, she was standing in the courtyard of Hallie’s Manse. She could feel Hound’s presence behind her.
“You decide to go through with this, call for me on the solstice. I’ll come.”
She felt the energy waves radiate as he phased away, leaving her standing alone among the plants. Her eyes drifted to the balcony where she knew Ace would be standing, as Hound had likely tripped the wards upon entry. To her surprise, the balcony was empty. He wasn’t there.
The walk through the halls of the Manse was long and felt much like a walk of shame. People parted for her, often murmuring soft greetings, which she returned distractedly. It was hard to remember that she didn’t have a sign plastered to her back: “I sort of not really just cheated on your heir.” Totally legit.
The twists and turns of the halls that had once confounded her were now easily traveled while she debated over what to say to him. He was obviously upset, and she hadn’t given him too much time to cool down. She tried to shore up whatever emotional walls she had left. They were about to take another beating.
She passed through the double doors into their chambers and stopped, mouth slightly open. A large suitcase was open on the table, various items already tossed haphazardly inside. “Ace?” She scanned their living quarters, not seeing him immediately.
He appeared, exiting the bedroom with his arms stretched around a pile of clothes and other various items. He glanced at her, pausing briefly, before continuing to the suitcase. His movements were sharp, jerky, with too much energy behind them.
“Why are you leaving? Ace—” she stammered, falling silent when he turned to face her. Without the bundle of clothes in his hands, she could see his face. His eyes were rimmed with red and his expression was unusually grim.
He turned away from her, sorting items and packing them in the case. “I’ll assign a squad of weapon masters to protect you. You’ll be fine.”
Audrey frowned, walking up behind him. “I’m not worried about my protection. I’m worried about you.”
Ace snorted. “Sure seemed like it when you were locking lips with him.”
Ouch.
His back straightened. “That wasn’t entirely fair of me.”
Audrey grimaced. “You’ve earned a few cheap shots.” She came up beside him, staring at the suitcase. “It wasn’t how I wanted you to find out.”
He grabbed a belt and rolled it up, careful not to bump into her even by accident. “It’s the truth, and you’ve been trying to tell me all along, anyway. Why does it matter how I finally get it through my thick skull?”
Audrey clenched her jaw, crossing her arms over her chest. “Because you deserved to hear it from me. Straight.”
Ace shrugged a bit too nonchalantly. “I did.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Audrey sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. He kept packing. “I never meant to lead you on.” The words were awkward to say, but they were the truth. She’d never wanted to hurt him. He’d given up so much for her and the twins. He deserved his own slice of happiness, too, and when it had looked like the man she wanted was permanently out of reach, she’d been content to let things between them remain unspoken. It made him happy, so she was content.
He shoved another item into the suitcase, then turned to look at her. His gaze was unusually sharp. “You didn’t. I just let myself believe the lie we throw at the public.” The last item packed, he shut the case, throwing the latches.
She stared at the bag, then glanced over her shoulder at the nursery. “Please don’t go.” Her eyes were still on the nursery. Her actions shouldn’t deprive her children of their father. If giving up Hound was the price she had to pay, for her children, she’d do it.
Ace had the suitcase in his hand, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, eyes on the door. “I just need some time away. Nothing permanent.” His lips twisted into a frown. “Unless you want it to be.”
She blinked rapidly, trying her best not to cry. “I’d never keep you from them. Not in a million years.”
“Right.” He cleared his throat, not looking at her. “I’ll have the new squad over within the hour.” He reached in his pocket, pulling out a gold coin and handing it to her.
She took the item in her hands, aware suddenly that his leaving was all too real. She might not love him in the romantic way he wanted her to, but her heart was still breaking. He’d been her best friend for almost two years, and he was leaving.
“Just for emergencies.”
Of course. He didn’t want her contacting him with the summoning token. Just wanted to be able to get to her if she absolutely needed him.
Her throat was tight. “At least come visit them. Lily is going to be miserable without you.” She was a complete daddy’s girl, and Audrey often couldn’t even get her down for naps without Ace there to rock her to sleep.
Ace looked away, not promising anything.
“I’ll make sure the new team has my schedule, and I’ll be sure to leave some time every day away from them. If it helps.” She hated that she sounded so desperate, but it felt like her entire life was falling apart.
“Yeah.” He nodded slowly. “Okay.”
She held her fist in front of her mouth as she watched him walk to the door. He paused with his hand on the wood, as if he was going to say something else, but shook his he
ad and pushed it open without a backwards glance.
23
Audrey paced around on the balcony, the fresh air only serving to make her feel more trapped. She’d tried to reach Hound several times already, and he hadn’t responded at all. The solstice was tomorrow, and they didn’t have a plan. What if he backs out? She crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself for comfort. She hadn’t even been able to sense him; wherever he was, it was far away.
She didn’t want to stay here for the solstice. Ace had finally started talking to her again, admittedly only about the kids, but it was a start. It felt disrespectful to both him and his mother to be with Hound here. That, and if she was being honest, she was going to be self-conscious enough without worrying about her surroundings. Her body wasn’t exactly the same after carrying twins, and she had definitely earned her stripes with those two.
Did Hound have somewhere for them to go? She didn’t want to wait until she was struck and overcome with need. She wanted to have some time with him before it really hit. With the sun setting behind the hills, that time she’d hoped to have was trickling away with each passing minute.
“Are you ready for me to take over?”
Audrey turned, smiling at Falda though all she really wanted to do was cry. “That would be wonderful, if you don’t mind. I’m…not myself.”
Falda’s smile was genuine. “It’s nice to be needed.” She dipped her head and offered half a curtsy before heading to the nursery.
The poor girl. Everyone knew she was Hallie’s puppet, the girl included. She’d been chosen because she was assumed to be brainless, but the more time Audrey spent around her, the more she saw the caring soul hiding within.
Why am I thinking about any of this? She sighed, frustrated at herself. While she’d been kept in the dark recently, she still felt a responsibility toward the Order, and that meant that, until leadership was confirmed, her thoughts and decisions had to be based more on the greater good than getting tangled up in personal details.
