by MJ Carnal
Ryan curled his legs into his chest and sobbed. The gym had gone still. People huddled together and prayed. Lily was inconsolable. Liz made phone calls on Ryan’s phone. Mark was the first to arrive and seeing Ryan on the floor, he sat down and curled his arms around him. Kevin had saved his life. He gave Ryan his world. Without him, he would have lost his battle with cancer and there would not have been a happily ever after for him.
“Let me help you up big guy.” Mark pulled Ryan to his feet. “Come on. Let’s get to the hospital.”
Ryan had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. He was exhausted and his heart had been ripped from his chest. “I don’t know if I can go through this life without him, Moretti.”
“I know.” Mark put his arm around him and helped him to the car. “I know.”
Caleb stood outside his sister’s room. The phone call from Mark had been one of the hardest he had ever received. He had to tell her. He needed to be the one to do it but dread filled his body.
Her music blared and he could hear her singing while she was getting ready. His stomach dropped. His hands shook as he raised them to knock. He wiped his cheeks once more and took a deep breath.
“Come in.” Andi didn’t look up. “Make it quick. I have a date and I’m late.”
Caleb froze, staring at her in the mirror. She was his world and he was so proud of every second of her life. When he didn’t say anything, Andi looked up and locked eyes with him in the reflection. Seeing his face, she bolted up.
“What happened?” Andi ran to him. “Is it Jena?”
He shook his head and took her hands. “Let’s sit down.”
She started to panic. Her heart raced. “Is it mom? Please, Caleb. Tell me.”
He sat her down on the bed and knelt in front of her. He grabbed her arms to keep her upright. “Andi.” Tears flooded his face. “They were at the gym. Kevin was laughing and having fun and he just collapsed. It was his heart.”
“What?” Andi screamed. “Is he alive?”
“Andi.” Caleb tried to calm her down.
“Is he dead? Is he dead?” Andi pounded Caleb’s chest.
“He’s on a ventilator in the ICU. I don’t know any more than that. I want to take you up to see him. Ryan was there when it happened. He did CPR until the paramedics got there. We need to go now.”
She nodded and struggled to breathe. She walked into the hall in shock. Caleb grabbed her purse and opened the car door for her. She slumped into the seat and sobbed. Her whole body shook in agony.
“Please don’t take him from me. I just found him. I need him.” She whispered as they passed the same scenery that she had seen the night before. Her life had been so clear then.
Andi cried as they made their way to the ICU. Caleb supported her body as they took the never ending hall that led to their fate. After all the time they had spent here, it still looked foreign.
“Don’t let me fall. Whatever you do.” Andi wiped her eyes when she saw all her friends lined up outside the door.
“I’ve got you, kiddo. And when you can’t make it any further, I’ll carry you. Take a deep breath. We all love you.” Caleb locked eyes with Jena. Her eyes told him everything.
“Jena?” Andi’s voice was barely a whisper.
“They aren’t telling me much. He’s stable. He’s on the vent and unconscious. I talked to Dr. Hartley and you can go in.”
Andi shook her head and took a step away from Caleb. Nothing seemed real. She wanted to wake up from this nightmare. This couldn’t be happening. They only had last night. It wasn’t enough. One sob left her before pushing the ICU doors open.
It was like a dream. Machines beeped, nurses ran by, pages sounded overhead. Nothing registered. It was as if her feet were glued to the ground and she couldn’t move. The overhead lights seemed blinding. She stopped outside his room and put her hands against the glass. She needed to steady herself before she pulled the curtain aside. She had spent hours here taking care of her patients. She had seen so many families make this walk, never to be the same again.
“Deep breath Andi.” She counted to ten and pushed the curtain aside.
Kevin was too still. The monitor showed his weak heart beat and the vent was doing all the breathing. His skin was ashen. She shivered. They had placed a crash cart at the side of the bed. From her hours making rounds in the ICU, she knew that was code for the nurses to know things looked grim. She placed her hand over his chest. She would lay down her life for him. She would give up any part of her body to save him, even if that meant she wouldn’t survive. Tears ran silently down her face and she struggled to breathe.
“Kevin.” She whispered before kissing his cheek. “I love you so much. Please fight. For me. My life means nothing if you aren’t here. Please, baby. Please.”
“Andi.” She jumped at Dr. Hartley’s voice. “I’m right out here if you have any questions. Stay as long as you’d like.”
She pulled the chair up to the side of the bed and held his hand. “I’m not leaving until you open those amazing eyes. Sleep as long as you need to, baby. Just please wake up sometime and don’t leave me alone.”
Chapter 17
“I cancelled the hotel reservations for this weekend.” Caleb sat down at Jena’s desk. “I don’t know what else to do, J. Tell me what I can do.”
Jena sat down in his lap and pulled his head into her chest. Her arms were the only place he felt truly safe. He’d been the rock of the group as they all fell apart in the hallway of the hospital. He couldn’t hold it back another second. He broke. His shoulders shook as he cried and begged for a way to fix it. She ran her hands through his hair over and over again. She whispered how much she loved him and how proud she was of his selflessness. It was a lifetime before he pulled away from her and kissed her. He couldn’t breathe without her.
“Have you checked on him today?”
Jena touched his cheek. “It doesn’t look good. He’s declined and there’s nothing we can do. They had to revive him in the middle of the night. I’m afraid they are going to ask for next of kin to make him a do not resuscitate.”
“We are his next of kin. He doesn’t have anyone else. No way. We aren’t signing that.” Caleb stood up so abruptly that Jena stumbled to keep from falling.
“Caleb, we need to be prepared in case there isn’t anything else they can do. Would you want me to be hooked up to machines the rest of my life?”
“If there was a chance you would wake up? Yes.” Caleb paced the room.
“That isn’t what I would want. I don’t want a machine breathing for me. Caleb, please look at me.”
He stopped at the door. “I have to see Andi. I’ll see you at home.”
Steve parked his car in the hospital parking garage and checked his watch. Four AM. The hospital would be quiet and he could slip in and out with little difficulty. Hospitals were his nightmare. He had lost his brother in a car accident when he was three. It hadn’t been long after that his dad had been caught with his secretary and left to start a new life with her. Several years later, he had fought a losing battle with cancer. His cousin had been like a brother to him but after getting involved with the wrong crowd in high school, he had pretty much disappeared. As an adult, he had lost both his grandparents, had the scare with Moretti and West and now Kevin was fighting for his life.
He didn’t know Kevin that well. Their relationship had been in passing over the last few years. But when he gave up his bone marrow to save Ryan, he had become a permanent fixture in their lives. They had their pissing matches over the past few months, most of them stemming from his desire to torture Kevin with his friendship with Andi. He was an easy target and he couldn’t help but take his shot whenever possible.
Bottom line, Steve was jealous. Kevin lived his life like there was no tomorrow and now, there might not be. He traveled, he had a huge support system, women dropped at his feet, and he had somehow stolen Andi’s heart.
Steve had spent so many years dedicated t
o Amber that he had missed out on the fun part of life. When he imagined his life at thirty, he pictured a house full of kids in a crazy neighborhood where they spent their weekends with neighbors having cookouts and pushing baby strollers. But today, he turned thirty. No wife, no children, a house on the market and a group of friends that was broken because one of their own was fighting to live through the night.
Steve was relieved to see the halls were deserted. He steadied his breathing. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go into the ICU to see Kevin unless Jena or Andi were on duty. Somehow just stopping by made him feel a little better.
When he rounded the corner, he saw her. She was sitting on the floor across from the ICU doors. Her legs were curled into her chest and her blond hair was falling in waves around her face. Her blue eyes met his and she attempted to smile.
“Lily? It’s four in the morning. Is everything ok?” He slid down the wall to take a seat next to her.
She shook her head. “I just needed to be here. Andi has been in there all night so I haven’t bothered to let her know I’m here. I just wanted to be here if something happened. Last night was a bad night.”
“I heard.”
Lily put her head on his shoulder. The contact was surprisingly intimate and Steve pulled away. “I’m sorry.”
“No. I’m sorry. You just caught me off guard.” He patted his shoulder, inviting her to try again, and she smiled.
He had spent very little time with Lily. Mark and Sofie’s wedding weekend had been their first contact. He had been instantly struck by her beauty. Her laugh was big and her heart seemed even bigger. Since that time, they had very few run ins. She had stirred an emotion in him that was confusing and he had pulled away because of Amber. Now the thought of pursing any woman seemed disastrous.
“Do you think he’ll be ok? He and Soph are my best friends here. I don’t know what I would do.” Tears formed in her eyes but she pushed them away.
“I think we just need to have faith. He’s the strongest mother fucker I’ve ever met. If anyone can kick this thing in the ass, it’s Merck.”
Lily smiled and laced her fingers through his. This man, with his mysterious eyes that were full of sex and mischief, had been her fantasy since the first time she saw him. Tonight, she was just happy someone was sitting with her that understood her broken heart.
It had been seventy-two hours without a glimmer of hope. Kevin had been unresponsive to everything they had tried. Although his heart was still beating, his pulse was weak and he had been revived more than once. His hands were so cold. Andi had hardly left his side. Her brain told her that they needed to make some decisions but her heart wouldn’t let her give up hope.
She had called Ryan and asked him to meet her this morning so they could talk. Kevin didn’t have a next of kin and she felt Ryan was probably the closest to that. She curled into his body to wait. She was so angry that she couldn’t sleep. Life was completely unfair.
“Hey.” Ryan sat in the chair next to the bed and touched Kevin’s hand. He pulled back instantly. “Any change?”
Andi pushed herself off the bed and curled into Ryan’s lap. “We need to have this talk, Ryan. I know you don’t want to but I think it’s time.”
Ryan looked away. “I can’t. I’m not ready. It’s too soon.”
“Ryan, I love him more than anything on this earth. As his girlfriend, I will regret this for the rest of my life. I want him to wake up. I want him to insult me just one more time. I would do anything for that.” Andi wiped her eyes. “As a doctor, I know this situation is grim. He’s not responding. The vent is breathing for him. He’s got a feeding tube for Christ sakes. I don’t want to remember him like this. I’m not strong enough to make the choice.”
“And you want me to make it?” Ryan’s voice was a whisper as he stared at his best friend lying lifeless in the hospital bed. “What about a transplant? What about a pace maker? Is there anything we can do?”
“He’s in a coma because his brain was deprived of oxygen. They aren’t going to give him a transplant.” Andi ran her hand down his face. “We don’t have to decide anything now. I just want to do it together if it comes to that.”
Ryan shook his head. “You’re asking me to give up on the one person that never gave up on me.”
“No I’m not. I’m asking you not to give up on me. I can’t do this alone.” Andi broke. She sobbed into his chest with the familiar sound of his cardiac monitor in the background. With each slow beat, a part of her died along with him.
Chapter 18
“It’s been a week today.” Caleb tossed his manuscript at the coffee table and sat down. “Jena hasn’t said much but I don’t think we’re any closer to answers.”
Steve nodded. “I’ve stopped by every morning on the way to the station. Andi came out yesterday and I got to go in and see him. I’m not sure what I was expecting him to look like but it wasn’t that.”
“You guys need to know.” Mark took a deep breath. “Andi and Ryan are meeting tonight to discuss his care. He doesn’t have any family so I think the decision is ultimately up to the hospital. I know their opinion is going to be weighed heavily on what they do from here.”
“Meaning what? His care how?” Steve had a flashback to his brother lying hooked up to machines in the hospital. “Are they talking about stopping treatment?”
“Marco, they can’t. This will kill Andi. There has to be hope. I refuse to believe there isn’t.” Caleb pleaded with Mark.
“I made a promise to Ryan that I would finance whatever they decided. If they want to keep him on the machines indefinitely, I will find a way to do it. I’ll do whatever is best for Kevin. He saved Ryan and if I have it in my power to save him back, I will do anything. I just want both of you prepared for the fact that something has to happen, good or bad, and we need to support whatever they decide.” When Caleb began to protest, Mark continued. “Allen, I know that he’s Andi’s world. If it were Soph, I would die along with her. Just don’t forget he’s Ryan’s life, too. Hell, he named his kid after him. Kevin’s the godfather. We have to be there for both of them.”
Steve and Caleb nodded in unison. As the three men looked at each other, there was a huge feeling of loss. If the unthinkable happened to Kevin Merck, they would lose two friends. Kevin’s loss would rock them to the core. Watching Ryan retreat into his grief would be their breaking point.
Andi stepped into the ICU room that was quickly becoming her second home. She hadn’t slept more than two hours a night and eating had been almost completely forgotten. Her clothes hung on her. Dark circles had become a permanent part of her face. Life had turned into a nightmare she couldn’t wake from.
She set her purse down and climbed onto the bed. She had become a pro snuggling up around the tubes and machines that covered his body. A few stares from doctors or nurses hadn’t deterred her. If these were their last days, she would spend them exactly how she wanted to. Being in his arms, even if he was sleeping, was the only place she felt ok. It was her safety.
Ryan would be by on his way home from work and she needed this quiet time with Kevin. She knew decisions needed to be made. Her training had taught her so much that she was too close to the situation. She wanted to scream at him to wake up. She wanted to shake him and hear him tell her she was a pain in his ass. She wanted to hear his voice call her doll in an argument just one more time. She would never get over this. The hole in her heart had gotten bigger everyday he spent with his eyes closed. The day he took his last breath would be the last time she felt like breathing.
“Hi Deuce. I believe you can hear me or at least sense that I’m here. I wish I knew what you wanted. I wish I knew if you were suffering. Ryan is coming by tonight to talk about what we should do. If there is any way you can give me a sign, I sure could use it.” Andi wiped her eyes and ran her hands over his face. “I think I fell in love with you the very first time I saw you. You were such an asshole and drove me crazy. I wanted to kick your ass so bad. But I
thought about you constantly. I was going crazy. Then you climbed on my back in Hawaii and rubbed suntan lotion into my shoulders and I had such a strong urge to give in. I wanted to. You came to see me that night and I tried to act so cool. You saw right through that and took that damn shower. I was yours that night. Even if you didn’t know it. But it was the day in the delivery room, when I saw you reach over Layla to hold Ryan’s hand. I knew I wanted to spend my life with you. You had spent months torturing me and I fell in love with you.”
Andi chuckled but the tears continued. “I had a dream last night. We were getting married. I can tell you this because there’s nothing you can do about it right now. Torture is a two way street, Slick. You looked gorgeous, all smug and hot with those stupid lips that draw me in every time you talk. Ryan and Caleb were standing with you. Steve and Mark were seating people. It was beautiful. I couldn’t wait to get to the end of the aisle. My dad was there and he was blubbering like a baby. It was so…”
Andi stayed quiet for a few minutes while she watched his heart beat on the monitor. She laid her head on his chest and breathed him in. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath.
“It felt so real. I wanted it to be real so badly. I didn’t want to wake up and I tried so hard to stay asleep. When I opened my eyes, I felt like dying. I felt like I was losing you all over again. I couldn’t catch my breath and I cried so hard I wasn’t sure I’d ever stop. I’m waiting for something to happen. Every time my phone rings, I prepare myself for the worst. I can’t see you like this. I need you to wake up. I need you to be OK. And if you can’t, I’m begging you, please don’t make us make the choice for you. We love you more than anybody on earth and we can’t picture our lives without you in them. Please, Kevin. Please.”
