by MJ Carnal
Andi sobbed into his chest. No matter what happened, today was the day her life would change forever. Today they would start the process of deciding what might be best for Kevin. Today was the day they put their fears and regret aside and stepped forward with a choice that could impact everyone in their lives.
Ryan put his hand on her shoulder and she stilled. Looking at him with tear filled eyes, Andi nodded her head.
Mark rubbed his eyes and looked at his watch. Three AM and his phone was ringing for the third time in a row. Panic jolted his body awake. “Moretti.”
“I’m sorry for waking you up.”
“Is it Merck?”
Ryan cleared his throat. His tears had dried up hours ago but his heart was broken. “He’s still hanging on. Listen, Andi and I talked tonight and then we met with his doctors. We want to talk to everyone tomorrow night. Andi’s mom said she’d keep all the kids for the night. Can we do it at your house?”
“Of course.” Mark took Sophie’s hand and squeezed. “I’ll get Soph to drop Mario off after work. Need us to come by and pick up K?”
“No. I’m taking the day off so I will get him over there. Can you call everyone?”
Mark felt tears burning his eyes. “You ok? Can I do anything?”
“Can you take me back a week so I can change everything?” Ryan’s voice cracked and he openly cried on the phone.
Mark said nothing, just listened to him fall apart. He knew it would be the first of many.
Chapter 19
Layla sat quietly on the couch looking out the back windows. Her memory took her back to the day that Kevin and Ryan were cleaning the pool and she realized she needed to tell Ryan she loved him. The two men had been so close before the cancer crisis and had become brothers before it was over. She shivered remembering it was that same day that Ryan had collapsed on the floor in the bathroom and started the journey with Kevin that would forever make him a part of their family. They had come through a dark time, side by side, and it didn’t seem real that it would end this way.
Kevin had changed so much since then. His constant bickering with Andi had turned into an amazing love story and thinking it might end in tragedy brought tears to her eyes for the millionth time since this started. She would do anything to save him, even if it meant losing herself. He had given her the greatest gift in the world. Her family. And she could never repay him.
Mark and Caleb paced the living room while Steve put out some food. Sophie stood at the front windows looking out into the driveway. She had been sick to her stomach all day. No one knew for sure what was happening, but calling a family meeting was never good. They all felt totally helpless.
“Dude, do you really think people are going to eat?” Caleb snapped.
Steve continued laying out the spread on the bar. “I don’t know but I felt like I needed to do something.”
“Well it isn’t fucking food.” Caleb fell to the couch. “You don’t know him. Why are you even here?”
“Caleb.” Mark warned.
“You know what, you’re right. I don’t know him like you all do. But I love you guys and I thought it was probably best that I be here. Whether you want me here or not, Allen. And I’m putting the fucking food out. You need to eat and I am trying to take care of everybody. We need to stand together for Andi and Ryan. If you don’t fucking like it, we can take it outside another time.”
Lily touched Steve’s arm and he instantly calmed. Something about this woman centered him. She had done it in Hawaii, she had done it at the hospital the past few mornings, and she was doing it now. Her big, blue eyes smiled at him. “It’s ok. We don’t know what the news is so until we do, maybe we should all just calm down. We could all use some food. I’m pretty sure none of us are eating.”
The front door opened and Ryan followed Andi in. They both walked through the living room without slowing down.
“Outside.” Ryan said on the way by.
The group followed them onto the back porch. The night was quiet, covered in stars, and holding promise for what was to come. Andi shivered as the wind picked up. Being surrounded by her friends made her feel more lonely. They were all happy, married, raising children, engaged, dating, flirting. Those days were gone for her. Being here, surrounded by the memories of their first time together, of their fighting in the pool and their dirty looks during game night, only reminded her of how alone she truly was now.
Ryan waited for everyone to sit down. Looking at his family, his heart broke. “Thank you guys for being at the hospital so much this week. Even though you couldn’t get into the ICU, it was comforting to know you were outside praying for Kevin and for us. We’ve spent the whole week trying to decide what to do and praying like hell we didn’t have to decide anything. Every day, we got the same questions from all the doctors and administrators about the reality of the situation. Selfishly, Andi and I didn’t give a shit. We wanted to wait forever. The last two days have been hard. We shifted our focus to Kevin and what he would want. We had a talk once about his sister after she killed herself. He kept telling me that if he had to make a choice for her, he never would have left her in pain. It dawned on us at some point that we were doing that to him because we didn’t want to let go.”
Ryan’s voice shook but he held his emotions in. Andi reached over and took his hand and gave him the best smile she could manage. Tears flowed freely down her face but she stayed strong for him. “Last night, I begged Kevin to give me some kind of sign about what he wanted. I’ve never believed in that stuff but I was so desperate. Ryan and I sat there holding his hands talking about what would be best for him or what he might want and he coded. Right there in front of us after I asked him what he wanted. I watched everyone rush into the room and shock him and torture him and the decision was so clear. I love him so much. I don’t regret one minute of anything because I know we wouldn’t have been what we were without all the crap. But I know this isn’t my choice anymore. We’re going to take him off the vent.”
“Oh my God.” Caleb’s hands shook and Sophie pulled him in for a hug. “When?”
“We want you to all to have time to say goodbye. I spoke with a few of the doctors and they’re going to allow you all in one at a time tomorrow. It would be best if you came early.” Jena rubbed Caleb’s hands. She had been working with the ICU staff for hours trying to get clearance for them all to have a chance to see him one last time. Her heart broke that she hadn’t been able to warn Caleb of the decision before hand.
“Is there any chance?” Lily whispered.
“There’s always a chance.” Jena tried to stay calm. “We need to prepare ourselves. I have been involved in so many cases like this and within a few days, the patient usually wakes up. If they don’t, there are signs of improvement or decline. Kevin’s case has been a mystery. He has coded a few times and that’s often normal in a case like this. But for the most part, he has had no change at all. When we remove the vent tomorrow, there is no way to predict what will happen. He’s held on for a week and we can’t speculate how much time may pass before his body responds. We’ll keep him hooked up to the monitors and we’ll keep him as comfortable as possible. If he continues to breathe on his own, we’ll provide nourishment and fluids. We will make every attempt to keep him from suffering at all.”
“Ryan and I will be there. The doctors said it will probably be around four. If he passes and there are any organs that can be donated, they will come in and take him to surgery. I know this is a lot to take in but if he can save anyone else, if part of him can live on, we want that for him.” Andi took a few deep breaths. “We know you’re all losing him too. We hope you can forgive us for making this choice.”
“Is there anyone else we need to call? I can do that.” Lily reached out and took Steve’s hand. “I can call Liz. She’ll want to know. They’ve been friends since they were in college. Just give me a list.”
Mark thought about his sister and Rich. Rich had gotten a promotion that had led them to
Florida several months prior. They had come home when Ryan and Layla’s baby was born but they were missed like crazy. Sophie and Molly talked daily and even though she hadn’t known Kevin that well, she would want to be here for everyone else. “I’ll call Molls. We’ll get them home when the time comes.”
“I can’t do this.” Ryan stood up. “My heart is useless without him. If I could give him mine, I would. I would do anything. Andi and I have been in agony over this and it hasn’t even started yet. I didn’t even know he was fucking sick. I feel like I killed him. He gave me his bone marrow and saved my life and he got sick because of it. He tried to save me and I fucking killed him.”
Mark followed Ryan into the house. It was déjà vu. Ryan giving a speech that ripped out his soul and the outcome so uncertain. He reached out to him, pulling him into a hug. Ryan fought him while he sobbed but Mark held tight. Losing Kevin was bad enough. Losing Ryan wasn’t an option.
“I won’t pretend to understand the bond you have with him. What he did for you, for all of us, was the most selfless thing anyone could ever do. But, I do know the bond I have with you. The same one you have with Allen and Wainwright. The bond you have with Layla. I know all about those. We would never recover if we lost you too. We are all right here. Don’t shut us out.” Mark loosened his grip and Ryan shook his head. “He saved Layla that day too. She’s going through this with you. Don’t shut her out.”
Chapter 20
Liz gave Kevin one final kiss on the cheek. “Your sister will be waiting for you. Give her a big hug from me. And if you see Daniel, please tell him I miss him. Watch over us. You’ve been my best friend for years. I will miss you so much. I love you, Kev. God speed gorgeous.”
Lily was next. Her eyes were full of tears as she hugged him. “I was ok losing my boy toy to Andi. But I’m not ok losing you like this. Thank you for being so nice to me and for making LA so much fun. I will never forget you. Jena says there’s still a chance. You aren’t a quitter. Fight for us. Open your eyes and say something really inappropriate. I’m not giving up on you. Don’t you dare give up. I expect to see you again. I love you.”
Sophie sat on the edge of the bed. Looking around the room, she felt sick. Being in the ICU brought back terrible memories for her. This was so much worse. Taking his hand, she took a deep breath. “This doesn’t seem real. I refuse to say goodbye because I know we will all be together again someday. I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare. Whatever happens, know you are loved and life just isn’t the same without you. Keep them laughing up there.”
Seeing him lying there, Mark was rendered speechless. He walked to the bed and kissed him on the forehead. “I love you, brother.”
Steve felt sick. When his brother had his accident, the decision to cease all life saving measures was an easy one. He had been suffering and there was no chance of survival. He had been so young but that emptiness had stayed with him and shaped the man he was today. As he looked down at Kevin, he was overcome with emotion. “We will all watch over Andi and make sure she’s ok. I will personally kick anyone’s ass that hurts her. I promise you she will be alright. I’m sorry we didn’t get the chance to know each other better. You were always making us laugh and I’m jealous of your legendary bedroom roster. Sorry for all the times I pissed you off about Andi. She’s a good friend but it was never more. It was always you. Don’t break too many hearts up there.”
Jena checked his vitals. There had been some eye movement for the past few days. The doctors had ruled it involuntary. She had refused to get her hopes up. But even now, as she examined him one last time, she prayed for a change. Even the smallest change. Anything. “Kevin, you add a lot to this world. You’ve added so much to my life. Thank you for always trusting me, for reaching out to me when you needed something. You’re one of my dearest friends. I thank God every day for you. Any way you have a miracle in there for us? When they remove the vent, I want you to fight like hell to breathe.” She kissed him and wiped her eyes. “I love you. I will for the rest of my life. We witness miracles everyday in this hospital. I am praying for another one. Bye honey.”
Caleb was so emotional that Jena stayed by his side during his goodbye. “I’ve been so pissed since this happened. I know if you had your way, you’d be sitting in my living room saying something completely inappropriate about my sister. Thank you for loving her so much. You manned up and came over to ask if it was ok to take her out. That showed me the kind of man you are. As much as I wanted to fight against it, you both were good together. I’m angry you’re leaving her. I’m angry you’re leaving all of us. I feel so guilty being so mad. I’m sorry, brother. I am so sorry. I wish there was something we could do. I love you, Merck.”
Layla was hesitant as she climbed into the bed with him. Her tears flowed freely down her cheeks, soaking his hospital gown. “I’m not sure how I’m going to keep breathing after this. You’re my family. You gave me Ryan back. You allowed us to go on and have baby K and have a future. I would have nothing without you. Ryan blames himself for your sickness. I don’t know if saving Ryan caused any of this or not. But I do know that you would do it all over again, even if you knew the outcome would be the same. Your godson will always know you. I promise to tell him everything.” She giggled. “Not everything. Not until he is older anyway. You have a beautiful heart and I’m blessed that you showed it to me. I don’t know how Andi is going to handle all this. Send her strength. I hope that somehow you will be able to see us and watch K grow up. I hope you can hear all of us and you feel how much we all love you. I’m still holding on to hope that you will open your eyes. I have to go. Thank you for allowing us to believe in superheroes. You saved us all.”
“Everybody is outside. I’m sure you know. You haven’t had a second of silence today. I don’t think I can say goodbye to you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You were one hell of a wing man. Gave me a run for my money.” Ryan tried to smile. “You busted my balls like hell when I fell in love with Lay. I didn’t get a chance to bust yours. Andi’s awesome. You picked a good one. If she falls in love again someday, I will make sure he’s worthy. There won’t ever be anyone as good as you. We all know that. But I’ll make sure she chooses someone that will be good for her.”
Ryan stood and paced next to the bed. Kevin’s eyes fluttered like they had so many times that week. “I’m sorry. You were fine until you helped me. I feel so helpless. If I could rip my own heart out and give it to you, I would. Right here. I’m tempted to find some hot nurses and make them parade around in here naked to see if we can get your heart pounding again.”
Andi poked her head in and tapped her watch. Ryan nodded and returned his focus to Kevin. “I love you, brother. I hope you can forgive me. I’m so sorry for making you sick, for making the choice to take you off this fucking machine, for not being able to save you. I have a picture of you with K the day he was born. I will cherish that forever. I’m so sorry.”
Ryan stepped out into the hall where his friends were all waiting. He waited until the door closed behind him. He couldn’t catch his breath. He hit his knees and sobbed. His life would never be the same.
Back in the ICU, Andi curled into Kevin’s bed. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his chest. She had slept here every night since the heart attack and she would stay until his heart finally gave up. She held him as tightly as she could. She would miss every single thing about him. He was the reason she got up every morning and the reason she laughed and smiled all day. Tears filled her eyes but she willed them away.
“They will be here soon. I promise that you won’t feel pain. I want you to know that it’s ok to let go when you’re ready. I will miss you so much Deuce. Thank you for loving me. Thanks for pushing me to open my eyes. Thanks for making me realize the sappy stuff really doesn’t suck. You weren’t mine for long but I had the time of my life. Someday I’ll understand the reason all this happened. I can’t say goodbye. What a stupid word. There’s nothing good about it. I love you s
o much. You will always mean everything to me. I don’t regret anything. You were my log ride and roller coaster all wrapped into one.”
Jena stepped into the room with tears in her eyes. Ryan was right behind her. “They’re ready.”
Ryan and Andi nodded their heads as the doctors entered the room. They injected some pain medication into his IV and recorded his vitals. As they pulled the tape securing the tubing to his mouth, Andi closed her eyes and pulled Ryan down next to her. The tube was pulled and the machine disconnected. Andi watched his chest rise and fall slowly, she memorized the feel of his body next to hers, she breathed him in to memorize his scent, she listened to his heart beating in his chest. Ryan’s arms tightened around her as she memorized everything about this moment. She knew he would soon be at peace. Agony crushed her knowing she had said her goodbye.
Jena kissed Kevin’s forehead one last time and left the room. She took several steadying breaths before stepping into the main hallway. All eyes snapped her way. “They’ve disconnected the ventilator. Ryan and Andi are with him. I’ve asked the doctors to keep me posted.” She sat down in Caleb’s lap and held him while he cried. “I just needed to be out here with all of you.”
Andi rubbed her eyes. It was midnight and she was exhausted. She struggled to stay awake but her eyes grew heavier and heavier. Eight hours. She had stared at the monitors, watching his heart rate, for the first few hours. The next hours were spent watching his chest rise and fall. The ICU was quiet. Ryan had left a few hours ago to pick up the baby and head home with Layla. He had rubbed Andi’s back and whispered encouragement. He let her fall apart in his arms. She had wanted to do the same for him but she was frozen in her grief. She had been relieved when he left. It meant more time alone with Kevin and she wanted every second he had left.
They had removed the crash cart and the rest of the equipment was quiet. Several nurses had come in to record vitals and give him medication to keep him comfortable. A bag of fluid still hung, providing his body with nutrients while he continued to breathe. She smiled. He had hung on longer than anyone expected.
