Captain Bartholomew Quasar: The Bounty Hunters from Arachnxx Three

by Milo James Fowler

  She eyed him, suddenly intrigued. "Tell me, how could you do such a thing?"

  "I'll tell you. But first, I have to know: how did this conflict ever begin?"

  She nodded knowingly. "Ah, yes. You demand the exposition."

  He blinked. "Uh…"

  "Very well, I shall recount the whole sordid thing. The Ancient Ones would want me to honor a dying man's wish, after all." Her audience cheered in response, settling in on their bleachers for story time. "Although I must admit, much of the reason why our two peoples—House Ciliac and House Bromidia—are currently in such a heated state of conflict is likely due to my own actions."

  Captain Quasar was not surprised in the least by this revelation.

  Without further ado, Princess Sya told her story, and from what the captain could gather—since the translation software in his undergarments was not entirely reliable, and retrieving his uniform was out of the question—House Bromidia and House Ciliac had been at odds for centuries, ever since their two peoples had claimed separate hemispheres of their Homeworld following the death of their venerable Matriarch, Princess Sya's great-great-great grandmother. The two houses were named after her two daughters who went their separate ways after a falling out of some sort. The details on that were a little fuzzy, but there seemed to be a branch of pseudoscientific alchemy involved. After that, the Ciliac and Bromidians kept to themselves for many years until the Ciliac developed a certain form of elemental magic. When House Bromidia realized it didn't possess the necessary mineral deposits to stay abreast of such advanced powers—

  "Magic, you say." Quasar raised an eyebrow and glanced at Hank.

  "Humph," grunted the Carpethrian, folding all four of his very hairy arms.

  "We like to think of it as such. The transfer of matter into energy and back to its original state seems more supernatural than scientific, would you not agree?"

  "Indeed." Intrigued, the captain strummed his clean-shaven chin. "Tell me more."

  "I would." The princess leaned toward him conspiratorially and winked with only her third eye—a gruesome sight to behold. "But then I would have to kill you." She laughed heartily, slapping her knee like a hillbilly and facing her audience. "Wait a minute—I am going to kill him anyway!"

  Quasar raised his index finger. "Not until you finish your story."

  "Of course." She nodded and continued.

  Once it was clear that House Ciliac would advance far beyond the capabilities of the Bromidians if not restrained, war broke out between them as House Bromidia sought to expand its land holdings. The heated conflict had continued until just about six months ago when Princess Sya finally relented and gave her consent to be married to Prince Barclay of House Bromidia—not for love, but to bring peace to their world.

  "Why the sudden change of heart?" Quasar narrowed his gaze.

  The shapely shoulders on Her Highness rose and fell as she sighed, and a pained expression appeared on her royal visage. "Oh, I suppose it was because so many of my people had already died or were in the process of doing so. That tends to have a demoralizing effect on a beloved monarch such as myself."

  "They do seem to adore you." Quasar took in the crowd as they cheered in agreement.

  "I am their darling, I must confess. And I always give them such a good show." She whipped out the mace and started whirling the spiked ball about languidly. Captain Quasar was standing close enough that she could have easily caved in one side of his skull, had she chosen to do so. "But as soon as I saw him, I knew I could not possibly go through with it."

  "How's that?" Quasar tried not to focus on the spiked weapon or imagine how it would feel, buried in his head.

  "Prince Barclay. The Bromidians thought I had been afflicted with cold feet, but that was not the reason why I called off the wedding."

  Quasar nodded with understanding. "Was it because you didn't love him, or because he was your distant cousin?"

  "It was because he is so damn ugly!" she retorted, swinging the mace with a savage grace. Quasar dodged the blow, bobbing and weaving. "And so old!"

  "Doesn't sound like much of a match." Captain Quasar didn't know what else to say to a woman holding a pistol pointed at his face and a mace that continued to swing in his general direction.

  But the princess seemed to have retreated into her own thoughts for the moment. It was as if the arena, the audience, even Quasar and his team, were no longer there. All three of her eyes lost focus on her surroundings as she continued to explain how matters stood between the two ruling houses on her Homeworld.

  "Perhaps the Bromidian people would have accepted the arrangement. Perhaps they grew to desire peace as much as we did. But none of that matters anymore. Especially not now." Her sharp focus returned to the captain. "Prince Barclay thinks he can hire assassins to get rid of me, is that it? Even one as good-looking as you—" She paused. "I do not even know your name!"

  He couldn't help beaming with pride. "Bartholomew Quasar, captain of the Effervescent Magnitude, here on a voyage of discovery and acquisition, representing the interests of United World Space Command and the people of Earth."

  She snorted. "Well, that was quite a mouthful."

  "Yes." Quasar hoped that while he held her undivided attention, she would not notice Gruber and Hank sidling off and closing in, flanking her, ready to charge.

  Just as the captain prepared to give the hand signal for them to attack, the communication device bleeped in the collar of his uniform—folded neatly and sitting in the arms of one of the princess's attendants.

  Episode 13: Confounded Near-Lightspeed

  Princess Sya scowled at Captain Quasar. "Why is your uniform making those peculiar noises?"

  "Undoubtedly, it's my first officer wondering why I haven't been in contact." Quasar extended a hand toward the attendant who resembled a medieval pageboy, complete with the awful ancient haircut. Unfortunately, bangs had not been outlawed across the galaxy centuries ago. "If you'd like, I could answer her. It would only be polite."

  "Or I could have my manservant crush your communication device so I can get back to killing you." She clucked her tongue, obviously irritated by the rude interruption. "Of course, if I allow you to speak with your officer, you will order her to lock onto your signal and blast us all to pieces, after somehow managing to transport you back to your ship."

  The captain's brow wrinkled. "That would take some doing, Your Highness. First of all, my ship is not going anywhere. We can't even get her to swivel in place. Secondly, we have no clear line of sight on your planet. The Bromidians mentioned something about magic hiding it from our view. Some sort of invisibility shield encompasses your Homeworld, I take it?"

  "Close enough." She shrugged without elaborating. "Continue."

  "Thirdly, my first officer would have to send a transport pod—a shuttle—down to pick us up in order to return us to our ship. So you see, there's no way she could possibly open fire on this impressive arena and simultaneously transport us out of here safely." He shook his head. "If she sends any plasma torpedoes our way, then it's the end for all of us."

  "You are assuming those torpedoes of yours would make it past our defense perimeter."

  "Well, now we're talking. If I'd known you had such a perimeter, I wouldn't have needed to explain why an attack from orbit would be useless. You already knew such was the case, yet you allowed me to ramble on like a complete idiot." Quasar was not amused.

  Princess Sya, however, chuckled and slapped her thigh again. "Guilty as charged! I just like hearing you talk. But go ahead and answer your officer. That bleeping noise may drive me mad, otherwise. Just be sure we all can hear both sides of your conversation."

  Keeping a watchful eye on the well-armed princess, Captain Quasar jogged to the sideline of the arena floor and motioned for the pageboy to bring him his uniform. At a nod from Her Highness, the attendant slowly extended both arms toward the captain until his crisply folded tunic was within reach.

  Usually, Quasar activated t
he comm device in his collar with an awkward head jerk, but he found himself at a loss now, trying to conceive of how to possibly answer Wan's call without the collar on his person.

  "Go ahead, Captain," Princess Sya said with an amused chuckle. "We are waiting."

  He tapped the collar, then squeezed it, but the bleeping sound continued. He cursed under his breath, feeling the tickle of perspiration down his back as every eye in the arena watched him.

  "Having technical difficulties, are we?" the princess said, arching all three of her eyebrows.

  "I need to put it on," Quasar said.

  "What was that?" She cupped a hand to her ear theatrically.

  He raised his chin as he faced her. "The communication device only functions when the uniform is worn properly."

  "Uh—" Gruber began in a contradictory tone.

  A severe glance from the captain silenced him.

  "Oh, very well," the princess said with a petulant sigh. "But leave your pants off."

  Cringing at her broad wink, Quasar tugged the upper portion of his uniform on and jerked his head to activate the comm device.

  "Captain, are you all right?" It was Commander Wan, just as he'd assumed.

  "Yes of course, Commander. We're-uh...making friends with the locals." He flashed a smile at the princess who squinted in the glare from his pearly whites. "How are things up there?"

  "Systems normal, except for propulsion." She paused. "Sir, couldn't we take the cold fusion reactor offline and return engine control to our original reactor?"

  Oddly enough, the thought had never occurred to him. He knew, of course, that there were now two reactors on board with the addition of the Carpethrian near-lightspeed upgrade, but his only goal was to put as much distance as possible between the Effervescent Magnitude and those Arachnoid bounty hunters. The original reactor wasn't exactly equipped for super-speed. But if it meant getting his ship moving again—

  "Hank?" Quasar raised an eyebrow at the Carpethrian.

  "I'm sure I could show your engineers how to do it," Hank said, scratching his very hairy chin. "But the way things stand, I probably won't make it back to your ship anytime soon."

  "Hold tight, Commander. We're just about through down here." Quasar nodded at the princess, who looked on with subdued interest.

  "The sooner you return the better, sir." Wan lowered her voice, though it didn't make much difference. Something about the design of the arena and the way the audience had fallen eerily silent made her voice fill the space as if she were using a megaphone. "Proximity scanners have detected two Arachnoid vessels on an intercept course. They will arrive within the hour."

  "Already? How is that possible?" Quasar faced Hank. "I thought we were light years ahead of them!"

  "At full-lightspeed, we would be," Hank grunted.

  "Gah!" Quasar cried. "Confounded near-lightspeed!"

  It would not be the last time he uttered such sentiments.

  Episode 14: Unlikely Allies

  All three of Princess Sya's eyes had been intently watching the captain as he conversed with his first officer, and now they brightened with interest at the sight of him losing his cool, raising his clenched fist against a form of space travel she was undoubtedly unfamiliar with.

  "You have friends arriving? Or perhaps not so friendly?" Her aim with the laser pistol wavered from its target—the middle of his forehead—as she approached him. "With more powerful ships like your own?"

  Quasar nodded curtly. "But not carrying humanoids like you or me. They're Arachnoids—large spider-creatures that stand on four legs and use their other four as arms. Strong arms. They're a brutal species that will commandeer my ship in orbit and kill my crew, just to collect a bounty placed on my head by an entirely different race of creatures—the Goobalobs—for crossing through their territory without paying the requisite toll." Quasar paused to catch his breath. Exposition was not for the faint of heart.

  "He also destroyed the Goobalobs' ship," Hank added.

  The captain scowled at the very hairy Carpethrian. "Yes. That too."

  "With all hands on deck?" The princess seemed more intrigued than ever.

  "Unfortunately." Quasar sniffed and looked away.

  "Well, then I would say your ship and crew are in quite a pickle, Captain," she agreed. "But really, what does it matter who kills you? Me or those spider-things? You are most certainly dead, either way!"

  The audience roared with eager anticipation, sensing that the end of the strange spectacle before them was finally about to draw nigh.

  "Because, Your Highness," Quasar said, "those spider-things won't stop once they seize the Effervescent Magnitude and slaughter everyone on board. Next, they will turn their attention to you. They will come for the magic of your people, and nothing will stop them."

  "They are a vicious, barbarian race," Hank added. Apparently, his home world had suffered through its share of dealings with the Arachnoids in the past. "Well-armed with advanced weaponry. These ships on the way hail from Arachnxx Three, an Arachnoid colony infamous for its bloodthirsty pirates. They enjoy the thrill of the kill even more than being paid for their efforts."

  Quasar could see the Carpethrian's words having some effect on the demeanor of Her Highness. She seemed to be taking what he said seriously.

  "If you don't kill us right here, right now," the captain spoke up, striking his Confident Starfarer pose in spite of his missing pants, "we will help you defend your planet. You have my word on that."

  "Captain?" Commander Wan's voice from his collar carried obvious reservations.

  Quasar jerked his head to end the transmission. "What do you say, Your Highness? If you allow us to return to our ship, you will have a powerful ally in orbit able to defend your people against the hideous spider-things when they arrive."

  "And once you are aboard your ship..." The way she squinted all three of her eyes at him made it clear that she was not convinced. "What is to keep you from flying away using that near-lightspeed of yours?"

  Quasar smirked. "We're not going anywhere without a couple of new reactor coils. You see, our new propulsion system is just an experimental model, the first of its kind created by Carpethrian engineers and intended to shorten the travel time between Earth and its only alien ally. But when the Arachnoids surprise-attacked us, we had no choice. We threw it into high gear and got the heck out of there, and unfortunately, the reactor went kaput along the way. It could have been worse, though. Hank had us believing we were going to blow ourselves up!" He chuckled amiably.

  "Humph," said Hank.

  Quasar's communication device still couldn't translate that noise from the Carpethrian tongue. "For some reason, approaching the invisibility shield of your Homeworld had a sudden dampening effect on the reactor and caused us to come to a complete standstill. So you see, we're—"

  "At my mercy." Princess Sya smiled broadly.

  Considering his deceased security personnel, Quasar doubted she was ever one to show mercy; but he was willing to do whatever it took to buy his crew more time. Let her believe she held their lives in her hands—beyond the present situation, of course, in which she actually did. Once the Arachnoids arrived, she would need the captain's help.

  One hour, Wan had said. That's all the time they had.

  But a lot could happen in an hour.

  "I like having you right where I want you, Captain." She gave him another lascivious wink, the last—he hoped—he'd have to endure. "Very well. General Frayek will escort you back to your ship, where you will defend our Homeworld from those spider creatures when they arrive." She signaled the leader of the Ciliac soldiers, and he marched to her side like a loyal hound. His face resembled one too; gravity had not been kind to it over the years. "Take your men and summon a transport vessel. Captain Quasar has someplace he needs to be."

  Quasar put on the rest of his uniform and Chief Gruber got dressed as well, nodding his thanks to the princess. She tossed her weapons to the pageboy who needed something new to
carry. Such was his lot in life.

  Seeming to glide across the gravel, Her Highness pressed in uncomfortably close to Captain Quasar's side—so close, in fact, that he felt the firmness of her curves against him as she whispered, her breath hot in his ear, "I do not trust you, Captain. Let us be clear on that. You were hired to assassinate me, after all."

  "And now I'll fight to keep you alive, Your Highness." He met her unwavering gaze, wondering how exactly the Magnitude would be able to defend itself against the Arachnoids when they arrived, let alone protect an entire planet.

  She eyed him for a moment longer than was necessary. "We shall see about that."

  A transport shuttle arrived through an iris that flexed open in the center of the arena ceiling. Once the small vessel set down in the middle of the gravel field with a hiss of escaping gases, General Frayek and his squad of six soldiers shoved Quasar, Gruber, and Hank inside the yawning rear hatch.

  As the spectacle ended unexpectedly, the disappointed audience booed and hurled more of their trash. A peculiar custom, but then again, the universe took all kinds.

  The Ciliac soldiers found their seats in the shuttle, three to each side, and strapped in, ordering Quasar and his team to do the same. The vessel rose gracefully out of the arena before igniting its thrusters, breaking free of the planet's gravity and setting a direct course for the Effervescent Magnitude in orbit.

  Midflight, Hank leaned over to Captain Quasar. Without a word, the Carpethrian reached into a fold of his flabby midsection and withdrew the unmistakable grip of a Cody 22 stun pistol.

  "Impressive," Quasar said in a low tone, raising an eyebrow. "Where'd you find it?"

  "That crate of weapons for the Bromidians." Hank shrugged. "Figured it might come in handy."

  Episode 15: Full of Surprises

  Captain Quasar couldn't believe the Carpethrian had been armed all this time. "You didn't think it would've come in handy before now? Like when that woman had a gun to my head?"