Choices

by Skyy

  “What? Do you think I should change?” Carmen dropped her backpack, but Cooley grabbed her arm before she could walk back to her bed.

  “No. Shit, you look fine. Can we go now?”

  “Look, not everyone is lucky enough to be Ms. Popularity like you, Carla. Shit. I really want people to like me this year.”

  “Carmen, why do you give a fuck what people think? Shit. I don’t give a damn about what a muthafucka thinks about me.”

  “Well, it’s different.”

  “How?” Cooley said as they walked out of the room.

  “Cooley, you have so many friends, all I have is you and Dee. How many times did girls try to be nice to me just to get close to you and Dee? Do you know how that makes me feel?”

  “Man, Carmen, you can’t expect others to like you if you don’t like you.” Cooley put her arm around Carmen. “All the bitches that didn’t treat you right. Don’t relive that, it’s their loss.”

  Carmen smiled; she realized Cooley was right. “Thanks.”

  “Anytime. Oh and for the record, you and Dee are the only friends I have as well.”

  The two made it to the front of the University Center. It was like homecoming. All of the various groups were positioned in their spots. The jocks were together on the wall; the Greeks were positioned on the center steps. The neo-soul group was under the magnolia tree, and the musicians were on the hill. Then there was the rainbow field; the field was a grassy area under a big tree where all of the openly gay people met up. They congregated around two benches painted like a rainbow to showcase that they were out and proud. It was fun to be in rainbow field.

  Occasionally a closeted or curious person looked in their direction or walked by. Cooley loved those girls. She made it her personal job to bring as many new members to rainbow field as possible.

  Cooley and Carmen made their way to the field where they were greeted mainly by oohs and ahhs about Carmen’s new look.

  Most of the gay group headed off to dance and drama rehearsals and meetings that were held early in the day. Carmen took a seat; she found it hard to deal with all of the newfound popularity, when the only person she wished was there was Tameka. She knew that she shouldn’t want her, but she did. Tameka still had a hold of her heart, and Carmen had no idea what to do about it.

  “Stop thinking about Tameka,” Cooley said as she sat down next to her. “Baby girl, you got to let her go.”

  “I’m trying, Carla, I’m trying, but did you see how good she looked? Oh and her scent . . . I just want to forgive her. It could work this time, and, I mean, I’ve been working on myself and—”

  “No! Damn, C, if I could give you a bit of my attitude, I would. I’m gon’ put it like this—If I catch that ho around you, I am going to beat her ass again!”

  “Cool!”

  “C, you deserve better. You will get better once you stop thinking about that ho! You will find someone who does deserve you.”

  “When and who, Cooley? Tell me who truly deserves me. Is it one of these bitches that are now giving me play because I’m thin? They wouldn’t even look twice if I still was fat.” A tear rolled down her face, but she caught it with her hand.

  “Look, Carmen, okay. It’s true many girls are more interested or attracted to thin women. So people who don’t find big girls attractive probably never thought to look at you. But don’t hold that against them, because it’s a personal preference. Not everyone is open-minded enough to look past certain things. I can’t even say that I am.”

  Carmen looked at Cooley who had a very serious look on her face. “If you hold that against them you might as well not be my friend either because I would have never found you attractive then, but now I actually can see you for more.”

  Carmen smiled as their eyes met. Carmen realized how special she really was; she had something better with Cooley. While other women only got to see Cooley, she was able to see Carla Wade, a true friend.

  She leaned her head on Cooley’s shoulder. “Thanks, Cool. I love you.” Cooley kissed her on her forehead, and then all hell broke loose.

  “You two-timing ho. I knew she wasn’t your damn sister!” there stood Cynthia fuming; she was holding her books, eyes blood-shot red.

  As soon as she said that, Cooley stood up, and the crowds started to form. All the jocks, and Greeks and many onlookers headed to the field, hoping to see a good first day of school fight.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Cooley knew it was going to be trouble and was glad to see Denise heading to the area. She knew her girl would help keep the peace. The last thing she wanted was drama in front of the U.C. “Girl, is you crazy or something?”

  “Why you got to lie to me, Cooley?” Tears started to form in her eyes. “After all I did to be with you, you wanna go be with that bitch? You had the best right here!”

  Carmen stood up. “Hold up. Okay, don’t go there with the names; it isn’t even what you think.”

  “Fuck you, bitch!” Cynthia threw her book at Carmen and just missed hitting her leg.

  “Ohh, hell no!” Carmen lunged at Cynthia, but was unable to reach her because Denise quickly jumped in and grabbed her.

  “Let me go, so I can kill this psycho bitch!”

  Denise had Carmen up in the air; she wasn’t letting her go for anything, no matter how hard she fought.

  “Who you calling psycho, bitch? You better keep your hands off my woman!” Cooley was blocking Cynthia, holding her back until she said those words.

  “Hold up, shawty. I ain’t and never have been your woman. I’m single as they come.” Cooley stayed calm; she made sure to throw that out to the crowd, just in case there were some eligible women watching the spectacle.

  Cynthia’s face went from angry to hurt. Tears started to roll down her cheeks. “But why you do me like this, Cooley? Why? You said you like me.”

  “I said you were cool, and I did think that, until you pulled this psycho shit. It’s a new year, and drama went out with the old, shawty. I ain’t for all this.”

  The men in the crowd were laughing. Some women were laughing, others looked at Cynthia with disgust at how she was acting. This sent Cynthia into a rage.

  “Fuck you, Cooley. You ain’t shit, and that so-called ‘killa cap’ ain’t shit either.”

  The laughing turned to ohhs from the crowd. Nothing was worse than having your business displayed, especially if the person said it wasn’t good. The men sympathized; it was like a woman telling them they had a small dick.

  Cooley laughed at the comment, always remaining cool. She made sure to lift her voice so the whole crowd could hear.

  “Well, it must not be too weak. It had your ass butt naked waiting on me in my dorm room. It must not be too weak ’cause you been beggin’ for it ever since.”

  Girls in the crowd made shocked noises. Even straight girls wondered what was so special about Cooley’s skills.

  Cooley knew she’d just opened the curiosity closet for a few girls. “And it really must not be that bad, since your ass is out here making a damn fool out of yourself. You wish you could have some more of this whack-ass cap.”

  “Don’t seem too whack to me!” some guy in the crowd said, making the whole crowd burst out into laughter.

  Cynthia turned around; for the first time she noticed just how many people were watching. She could see the men laughing, and the girls looking disgusted by her display. She was mortified.

  She turned around to leave, but then stopped. Something in her snapped. She turned around and SMACK! slapped Cooley with all of her might. “I fucking hate your sorry ass and I can’t wait till you get what you deserve!” She walked off, leaving Cooley standing there still shocked from the slap.

  The crowd started to disperse; a few men gave Cooley daps for a job well done. Some of the girls walked off, giving Cooley winks, each with the thought of her notorious skills on their brains. A few others made snotty comments about lesbians always having drama.

  Cooley turned around
and looked at Denise and Carmen and shook her head. They all started laughing; it was definitely a great first day of school.

  “Wow! that was interesting.” Lena said as she walked up to Denise.

  “Yeah, well, that’s how my buddy seems to get down.” Denise noticed Brandon heading their way. “Um, ya boy is on his way over.”

  Just then Brandon scooped Lena up from behind.

  “Baby, damn,” Lena said as he put her back on the ground. “Brandon, this is Denise.”

  Brandon and Denise shook hands.

  “Man, you’re an awesome player. I know y’all are going all the way this year.”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen you too. You got mad skills. We need to get together for some one-on-one sometime. I’d love to see the girls go all the way as well.” Brandon put his arms around Lena. “And I would love to know what my baby girl is doing when I’m not around.”

  “Whatever, man.” Lena hit Brandon as he leaned down to kiss her. Denise felt her stomach knot up.

  “Yeah, I doubt there will be anything to tell. Well, I gotta get to class. See ya later, Lena.”

  Cooley and Denise headed off.

  Cooley instantly started laughing. “You are sooo digging that girl.” Cooley continued to laugh.

  “What are you talking about?” Denise hated that Cooley could read her.

  “You know what I am talking about, bruh. You are feeling little Lena. It’s written all over your face.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Yeah, it is. You practically wanted to throw up when he kissed her.” Cooley continued to laugh.

  Denise knew the feeling would have to pass. She couldn’t fall for Lena.

  Denise thought about her situation for a few minutes and exclaimed, “Man, the girl is fine as hell. I thought about sexin’ her, but that’s about it. And ya know I don’t get down with the straight women.”

  “Well, I do. I would fuck the shit out of Lena, have her saying, ‘Brandon who?’ Shit!” Cooley exclaimed. “I couldn’t be living with that girl. Did you see how those jeans were fitting her?”

  “Yeah, I saw, man. The girl has one of the baddest bodies I’ve seen in a long-ass time.”

  “Hell yeah. So where are you headed now?”

  “Economics. Hey, do you have somewhere to go later?”

  “No. Why? What’s up?”

  “I wanted to borrow your car to go visit Mema.”

  “You know you don’t even have to ask.” Cooley handed her car keys to Denise. “Tell her that I love her, okay.”

  “I will. Thanks, man. Stay out of trouble, okay.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

  Cooley headed off, and Denise headed into her building. She hoped Cooley would listen, but in the back of her mind she knew she was off to find some new conquests.

  Carmen headed out of the University Center. She laughed when she thought about the scene that went down earlier. She looked at all the people over in the rainbow field. She decided not to go back over there, but headed toward the library instead. On her way she heard a familiar voice call her name.

  “Hey, baby girl.”

  She was instantly face to face with Tameka. “Hello.” She kept walking.

  “Come on, C. Is this how it’s going to be? Us only speaking.”

  “How else is it supposed to be, Tameka? You want me to act like I didn’t catch you with Sabrina?”

  “Damn. Okay, you’re right. A nigga made a mistake, but I just want us to be better than that. Boo, I was your first love.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, you were. The fucked up thing is that you didn’t love me back. Excuse me.” Carmen walked off, leaving Tameka behind.

  She wanted to cry. She couldn’t believe what she just did; Tameka was trying and she was being a total bitch about it. She quickly turned around, but Tameka was gone. She took a deep breath. Maybe it was fate that Tameka wasn’t still standing there. Carmen realized she was about to make a big mistake. She headed toward her room; suddenly she didn’t want to do anything but go home.

  Denise pushed the button for the fourth floor, the cancer floor at St. Francis Hospital. As the lights from each floor brightened, she felt more knots in her stomach. The door opened onto a long hallway with rooms filled with the elderly, all with cancer, all living their last days in a small hospital room. She fought back the tears as she headed to room 416.

  She opened the door to see her grandmother lying in the bed, watching Oprah. There were new tubes in her arm and new machines were hooked up to the most important person in her life.

  Her grandmother looked at her and smiled. “Girl, stop looking like that and come watch Oprah with me.” Her grandmother’s smile brightened as Denise walked toward the bed.

  “Okay, Mema.”

  Denise had always called her grandmother Mema. Her grandmother had raised her to be the woman she was today. Denise’s mother left her with her grandmother after her father left for another woman. They never had much, but she never lacked for love.

  She sat down in the chair next to her grandmother and began to watch Oprah with her.

  She would never forget the scariest day of her life. She came to visit her grandmother, only to find her unconscious in her favorite chair. They made it to the hospital in time to find out that she was in diabetic shock. They were able to get her conscious, and she overcame that obstacle, only to find out she had cancer. Her grandmother decided that, at 86 years old, she didn’t want to go through any more surgeries, and the doctors agreed it wasn’t a good idea.

  They gave Mema three months to live, but to their surprise almost a year had passed, and she was still alive. It wasn’t until two weeks before school started that she was taken back to the hospital, when Denise’s mother noticed her grandmother wasn’t breathing well. She had been in the hospital ever since. Denise knew it was only a matter of time, and the thought of losing her Mema brought tears to her eyes.

  “So, how is school, Dede?” Mema asked her.

  Denise quickly wiped the tears from her eyes.

  “It’s cool. Basketball season is starting real soon.”

  “Yeah, I know. So, how is your roommate?”

  “She’s cool.”

  “Okay with your life?”

  Denise had told Mema about her lifestyle when she was sixteen years old. Mema told her that she already knew and that it didn’t matter to her. Denise’s own mother didn’t take it that well.

  “Yeah, she’s cool with it. No beef or anything.”

  Denise was trying to hide the emotion in her voice, but Mema knew something was wrong.

  “Dede, girl, stop all that now. You got to be strong, sweetie.” Mema held her hand out for Denise to grab it.

  Denise immediately started to cry. “Mema, I can’t make it without you.”

  “Girl, you can too; you are strong, and you got that from me. What did you think? An eighty-seven year-old woman was going to live forever?” Mema smirked.

  Denise just looked at her.

  “Sweetie, you are my pride and joy, and I want you to understand that whenever the Good Lord tells me it’s my time to come, I will be up there watching over you until you come and join me.”

  Denise stood up and kissed her grandmother on her head.

  The door opened, and a tall, skinny woman in a sweat suit walked in. The woman was very frail, but distinctive features showed that Denise was the spitting image of her mother.

  Tammy had left Denise with Mema when she was born. She was addicted to the fast life, and she opted to let her mother take care of her newborn baby instead of her ruining her life.

  Denise never had any real feelings toward her mother. The only thing she could do was thank her for giving birth to her and giving her to Mema.

  “Hey, baby,” Tammy said to Denise.

  Denise wondered what her mother’s motives were when she first started to come around. Her first thought was that it was because she didn’t want to be left out of the will, but she had to give her mother cre
dit. She did help take care of Mema in the last few months, which was a big help to Denise because of school and basketball.

  “Hey, Tammy,” Denise said. She always called her mother by her first name; she couldn’t call someone something that they never were to her.

  “How is school, baby?”

  Tammy had recently started trying to reconnect with Denise, but it obviously was too late for her to form a real relationship with her daughter, so she tried the friend approach instead.

  “It’s cool.” Denise kissed Mema again. “Speaking of school, I’ve got to get back to campus. I’ll be by this weekend, okay, Mema?”

  “Sure, baby. See you later.”

  Denise walked past her mother. She could tell she was expecting a hug, but did not give her one.

  Denise could hear music coming from her room. She opened the door to find Lena dancing around in a pair of boy shorts and a wife-beater. Denise had to stop herself from staring. She knew that Lena was off limits, but she couldn’t ignore the butterflies she got when she looked at her roommate. She cleared her throat to get Lena’s attention.

  Lena turned around and smiled a smile that made Denise melt inside.

  “Hey, girl. Where have you been?” Lena said as she grabbed a bottle of water.

  “I went to see my grandmother.” Denise lay down on her bed. She was emotionally drained from her visit.

  “Oh, are you all right?” Lena turned the music down and sat in the chair next to her roommate. “Anything I can do?” Lena had never seen so much emotion in her roommate. She looked at her in a new light; she wasn’t completely hard and nonchalant, and there was one thing in the world that was breaking her down.

  “Naw, I’ll be okay. I just want to sleep for a while.”

  Lena stood up and went to her bed; she grabbed her stuffed bear and handed it to Denise.

  “Now, don’t laugh, but whenever I’m down, I use Fluffy to feel better. You can squeeze, throttle, or hit him, and he will take it. So you just use Fluffy as much as you want to.” She smiled.