No Greater Love
Page 37
Charlie had come a long way. He used to be afraid himself, whether he knew it or not, so he picked casual acquaintances – sleeping partners – to ease the sting of having to really connect with anybody, even with Jessie ‘back in the day’. He once avoided the Downtown Eastside as if the people there were harbingers of the black plague. Now he often went there alone, without a bodyguard. He was friends with people there now.
She reminded him of that. “You avoided people too – once. Meaningful relationships.”
He smiled. “That I did. To my everlasting regret.”
“Jane is amazing.”
“Yes. She keeps me in line.” He had never been unfaithful to Jane, and couldn’t imagine ever cheating on her. His heart hurt for what he did to Jessie when they were together, for the part he played in her need for alienation.
There were other things Jessie wanted to say. “In a way, I’m glad all this Deuce shit is out in the open. Except maybe for…ahhh.” She sighed. Jessie didn’t really want to mention the sex part. But she was the recipient of unwanted sex by men from the time she was twelve years old. She had a different way of looking at it than most people. Not that she ever shared that with anyone…before…
“Jessie,” Charlie murmured. “You don’t have to talk about this. Hopefully it’s behind you now, anyway.” He paused, picked at a broken fingernail. “There seems to be a consensus that you should accept Dee’s offer of counseling. From that friend of hers.” He knew - as he, Matt and the Keatings had discussed – that the Jessie who came back from Scotland was still the tense anxious woman from that awful summer in Vancouver. There were triggers, tremors, the smoking, the weed…and Jacob admitted nightmares constantly haunted her, dark dreams she awoke from in tears. These had occurred even in Charlie’s time with her, but less and less through the years. Now it seemed the haunting symptoms of post-traumatic stress were her constant unwelcome companions.
Nodding, Jessie responded, “Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.” She peered out over the vast ocean, its infinite waves crashing to shore, rolling one after the other, seemingly unaware of the drama unfolding on nearby land, insistent, incessant. “Charlie…can I share something else with you? One last secret? Or…well, to be honest, at one time I thought if you ever found out you would hate me forever. But now, maybe…”
He reached out and brushed back a piece of her stray auburn tinted hair. “I could never hate you, Jessie. The same way I hope you could never hate me for…for cheating on you the way I did. I was such an ass. Hey. Did you cheat on me?” He closed his eyes, forgetting for a second. “Besides Josh, I mean. And maybe he wasn’t even really cheating, when you think about it. He was more of a…re-awakening, wasn’t he?”
“Yeah, about that,” she said. “You and I were pretty much goners by then, Charlie. Not that it was any excuse. And I expect for you it was the same thing. We weren’t connecting in those days. At all.”
“I know,” he said honestly. “We sucked at being boyfriend and girlfriend. But I’m glad you’re still in my life. Really glad. Jessie?”
“What?”
“Please don’t go away again.”
Jessie looked over at him and read the grief in his eyes.
“Okay,” she said, and she meant it. “I won’t.”
At Charlie’s obvious relief, she added, “Now can I tell you something?”
By her tone he could tell what she wanted to say would have a large impact. He straightened. “Yeah. Shoot.”
“Promise you won’t think less of me?”
He paused. “Promise.” He waited.
“I left home in P.E.I. because…well, because after my dad died my mom kind of forgot about me. And then she married someone else, someone…not so nice. He came to my bed at least three times a week, mostly for intercourse, sometimes for…other things.” She studied him, to see how he would react. Charlie was saddened, she could tell, but… “you’re not surprised.”
“No.” He said the word carefully. Softly. Leaned there against the hood of her car with one knee bent, the foot resting on the bumper, his arms wrapped around the knee, studying her, this girl the world adored, whom one man was obsessed with…well, maybe more than one, depending on how you looked at it.
Heavy sigh. Jessie was staring at her toes again, the dust on the brown boots echoing her mussed up state of mind. “When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I left. I think that’s why I can handle Deuce. Because I learned a long time ago to shut myself off. Mostly.”
He started to speak but she interrupted. “That’s the thing about Dee today. I know it hurt her, finding out what happened last night. But to me it’s just a necessary evil. It’s part of Deuce’s game. It has to be endured in order for this thing to play out.”
“Not anymore, Jessie,” Charlie said with a firmness, a parent’s finality. “It doesn’t anymore. It’s not right. It’s not something you should have to do. No woman should have to. No child, either.”
He touched her face with his fingertips, and she lifted a hand and placed it over his.
“I wish I could have told you that years ago,” she whispered. Smiled, just a little. It was such a relief. He didn’t hate her. No more secrets, she thought.
Another thought crossed her mind. “I traded sex a few times in my lifetime, Charlie. Before…before I met you. I suppose that’s one reason why I didn’t go crazy when you had all your little flings. Most times,” she added, “at least. I mean – it hurt, but I kind of understood that it didn’t mean a lot. I think it only really sucked when I started to – well, after I met Josh, I guess. Cause then I could see that what you and I had wasn’t the way it should be. That if you love someone you ought to only want to be with them.” She added, “Mostly, in the early days, I was able to get by with my guitar. I didn’t have to…do so much of the sex thing…on the Downtown Eastside. But many women do, still,” she said. “Because they don’t have the guitar. They have no recourse.”
“Don’t forget, Jess, that many of those women also have issues with drugs.”
“Yeah, but I guess what I am trying to say, Charlie, is that I am not so far removed from them. From the ones Robert Pickton stole, and killed, for instance. All those women who were just trying to get by…however they could…” She shook her head. “I am not so far removed from them. I just happened to meet your dad, and then you…in other words, I got lucky. Otherwise you see, don’t you, that I would still be one of the forgotten ones. One of the women society forgot about. A throwaway.”
It hit Charlie like a rock, then, a big fat heavy rock or maybe one of the red Arbutus tree cadavers that lined the shore below them, also forgotten, also a victim of a merciless storm. She still felt that way. About herself. Jessie still thought she was worthless. She was one of the world’s biggest stars, but she thought of herself as a throwaway.
“Dear God, Jessie,” he said, pulling her to him so he could hold her for a bit and try to eradicate such appalling thoughts. “Don’t you see? You were never a throwaway. None of those women were, or are. And you know why, right?” He held her face between his hands so he could force her to look deeply into his eyes. She was pleading for him to say the right thing, and he was afraid he would fail her. But he would try.
“Because,” he said, “of people like you and me, and Jane. And all the rest of the people out there who are slowly waking up to the realization that nobody on this planet is a throwaway. Everybody matters, regardless of where they live or who they have to fuck to get by, or despite whatever drugs hold them hostage. Or even if they are rich stupid playboys like me who just feel like what they are doing doesn’t matter to anybody. Do you see? Look at me!”
She was sobbing now, just a little, but yeah, that was how she felt. Like the whole circus around her celebrity life was all a farce. Part of the game. Maybe that was why she let Deuce do to her what he did, too – because she still didn’t think she mattered. At all. But Jessie knew someone who felt the same way about himself, and she wanted him back. She cur
led up into Charlie’s arms and swiped angrily at tears as she watched the ocean continue its relentless assault on the shore below.
Finally, she let slip her one final secret.
Jessie turned her face up to Charlie and, when she was certain he was paying attention - because he too, seemed suddenly awash in the hypnotic power of the waves - she slid the words out from between her lips as if they had the ability to harm just by token of being said aloud. They came out snakelike and wicked, venomous and dangerous, because they were the thoughts of Deuce McCall, and Jessie was just parroting what she read in her aggressor’s twisted heart.
“Charlie,” she uttered, her heart pounding with terror at the warped sound of the bitter thought, “Deuce the fuck McCall is going after Josh.”
Charlie’s heart started to race. He had to stifle an attempt to grab his cell phone and call Matt – no Josh, directly – to warn him. “How do you know?” Because Charlie had heard the recording from the night before, and there was no mention of Josh, no spoken threat.
“Because,” she said, and her eyes were icy and grey now, like the ocean back in winter, or like the peeling paint on the Benny’s sign. “No way is Matt going to let me out of his sight now. No way can I go back to Deuce. And Deuce said – he said that if I didn’t meet him he would kill the man I love.”
“I assumed that meant Jacob,” Charlie whispered stonily although, in his heart, he knew on some level that of course she still loved Josh, and always would. He was just surprised she would think Deuce knew that, too.
“You said it yourself,” she murmured. “You shut yourself off from people and you miss out. Jacob and I connect with the music, we do, and we were both lonely, you know, but,” she swallowed. “In other ways we don’t connect so much. With Josh…you see…” and this time Charlie really had to lean in to hear her, “…in his heart he thinks he’s a throwaway too. Unlovable. Disposable. You see? I guess Jacob feels a bit that way too, but not so much…not so much as Josh.”
“How would Deuce know what Josh thinks? Jessie, you have to stop thinking of yourself that way. Please. It’s not true.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s what I do think, that I’m not really worth much, and I guess on some level I always will. And…Charlie…the reason I know Deuce knows what Josh thinks is because us people who feel that way recognize it in each other. And so he knows Josh and I are connected. Rather deeply, in fact. He knows, Charlie, how I feel about Josh. And so that’s exactly where he’s going to go if – when – I don’t show up next time he snaps his awful fingers.”
It took Charlie a second to register what she was saying. Then he closed his eyes. So Deuce was a throwaway too. Someone who figured nobody else gave a shit about. That explained a few things. “All right,” Charlie said, taking control with a deep breath as he opened his eyes and considered the next steps on this strange journey. “Well, girl, I say we get you home. I’ll call Charles. We’ll step up security on Josh again right away. Okay?”
Softly, shoulders slumping from relief, she answered, “Thanks Charlie.”
As they rose from their ocean view and prepared to drive back to Jessie’s place, Charlie signaled to Susanne, who put the sedan in gear and drew to a stop near her charge. The bodyguard knew Charlie and Jessie had settled into a heart to heart, so Susanne felt optimistic Jessie would be a little easier to handle now. There were no other cars in the vicinity, and a call from Matt earlier stated Dan still had a lock on McCall’s whereabouts, so the tall blonde stepped out of her car and faced Charlie and Jessie.
Jessie slowly covered the half dozen paces towards Susanne and apologized for her earlier behavior. “I’m really sorry,” she breathed nervously. “I’ve been more childish than usual today.” She was shivering – it was cooling off out there by the water.
“No worries,” Susanne said, smiling. It was easy to see why everyone was so loyal to the singer. She was not the sultry princess type at all. Instead she was just a mixed up human being trying to find her way, like mostly everyone else on the planet.
“I’ll drive Jessie home,” Charlie cut in. “Would you mind following us?” His eyes also said and please call Matt so he can tell Charles and Dee. “I’m going to have dinner with her and my wife, but tell Charles I’ll be calling him from Jessie’s place, okay?”
And that’s what they did – Charlie drove the Mustang while Jessie called Jacob and rather humbly asked him to order them some Thai, if he and Jane hadn’t already. When they were safely parked in the underground lot, Susanne switched off with Ulysses, who rode the elevator up with Jessie and Charlie and then stayed in the foyer watching over the little group while they solemnly picked at their food. Charlie had kept his word and called Charles immediately after arriving, to tell him Jessie still had serious concerns over Josh’s security.
Later, everyone tried to sleep, but the Canucks lost that night’s game to San Jose and so all Vancouverites were cranky. Jessie snuggled in next to Jacob and held him close after they made love so she could run her hands over the Celtic cross on his back. But as his breathing evened, she could feel him slipping away. It was like one of those childish games of tug of war. As one side pulled, the other crossed a line in the dirt. Jessie was slipping over the line towards Josh, who had anchored his team firmly in place.
Then, it wasn’t much, but it was accompanied by a tiny wink - the next day at ROAM Stephen leaned close, away from Jacob, and whispered in Jessie’s ear that earlier that morning Michelle had packed her bags and left for L.A. Sophie had a little glint in her eye and, with raised eyebrows, Jessie made a mental note to ask her later what in the name of God had transpired the evening before.
While Jessie, Jacob, Stephen and Sophie were enjoying their lattes and mochas, soon to be joined by Kayla and Paul, Matt dropped in to see Josh. It wasn’t the best day to show up unannounced. Michelle’s departure was not preceded by an argument, but it had still been unpleasant, and Josh was not in the mood to have workmen puttering around his house.
“Not today, okay?” he demanded obstinately, embarrassed for feeling the need to explain Michelle’s absence as shopping. As relieved as he felt at her departure, Josh still needed some time to adjust. “I’m already pretty well set up, anyway.”
Matt explained that this was just a precaution. That as a result of the recent McCall incident the decision was made to step up security on everyone close to Jessie. From Matt’s point of view there didn’t seem to be a need to panic Josh, but then there was also Michelle to consider.
“We should talk to Michelle and you together,” Matt said as he walked around peering at the hidden cameras. Some were obviously in need of adjustment. He grabbed a ladder from the garage and puttered while Josh sputtered behind him.
“Matt…another day, okay? Please? Today is really not a good day.”
“All right,” Matt finally acceded, feeling confident that at least the looped cameras were, for the most part, functioning okay. “But I’m sending some guys out here this week to double check everything. And tell Michelle to get her ass inside the house at all times. That goes for you, too. No lollygagging about. Not until we finally nail this twisted lunatic.”
“Lollygagging? Really, Matt?”
“You actors are all the same,” Matt said, grinning, his face blushing a deep red. “No creative vocabulary of your own. Just scripted dialogue.”
Josh laughed as Matt finally sauntered towards his car with a backwards wave.
As he backed out of the driveway Matt was confident that he at least had some security in place, although he wondered why Jessie was so concerned about Josh after all this time.
***
Chapter Thirty-One
Deuce started calling Jessie two days later. Every few hours he hit speed dial on his iPhone.
No response.
Like a stubborn child at the grocery store whose mother said no to candy, Deuce stomped his feet. He was going crazy.
Why won’t she answer? She always answers.
Jessie was jumpy. Every time the phone rang she called Matt immediately afterwards from a secure phone. By the third day Deuce started calling every hour on the hour. Finally, tormented, ready to seriously lose it, Jessie let Matt have it.
“What the hell, Matt? I have to take his call!”
The desperate panic in her voice almost unnerved Matt completely. He answered carefully. “I just talked to the Charleston Police. They’ve promised to expedite the forensics and the paperwork. Just a little while longer, okay Jessie? Take his call and stall him if you want – tell him you’ve got rehearsal or something – then as soon as we know we can grab him and keep him you can set up the visit.”
She was calling from the Robson Street studio where Jacob was nervously watching Jessie painfully unravel. He knew she had yet to make peace with Dee, and she was clinging to Charlie or Steve, whoever was around, and usually one of the boys wasn’t far away. The tension and the ever-present entourage were seriously annoying Jacob. Jessie was pulling away from him, and it didn’t help to have those guys around driving the wedge in further. Plus today he heard from one of the studio musicians, the skinny drummer with the Buddy Holly eyeglasses, that Michelle had dumped Josh and split. And that downright freaked Jacob out.
As she disconnected from her call with Matt, Jessie could feel Jacob’s eyes boring a hole into her back. She swung around and stamped over to where he was perched on a stool with his guitar in hand, a microphone strategically placed in front.