by Hannah Ellis
When she finally slipped into bed beside him, he was fast asleep.
Chapter 29
On Sunday, Elizabeth slept until mid-morning. Phil was heading into the shower when she got up.
“I thought I’d make brunch,” she said as she passed him on the landing.
“More cooking? Are you ill?”
“Ha ha,” she said dryly. “I’ll just make it for myself then, shall I?”
“I’m only teasing. I’ll take whatever’s going.”
She made a fruit salad, placing it on the table alongside the yoghurt. There was orange juice in a carafe, and part-baked rolls were browning in the oven. She was also making a ham and cheese omelette.
Her laptop was open on the kitchen island and she kept glancing over to read Emily’s novel. She couldn’t decide if Emily had written it or if it was some editing project that she was working on. Either way it was good, and Elizabeth was enjoying it immensely.
“What’s so funny?” Phil asked when he wandered in to find her bent over the computer.
“Oh, nothing,” she said, turning quickly to take the bread from the oven. “I’m just reading something, and it’s funny.” She dropped the rolls into the waiting bread basket and added it to the table.
“Work?” he asked, as she went back to the omelette. She was fairly sure it was overcooked, but never mind. He kissed her cheek. She smiled at him – a proper smile – and remembered how much she used to love him. They had been happy together, once upon a time.
“No,” she said. “A little side project. It’s nothing.”
He looked intrigued but didn’t ask any more about it.
“This is great,” he said, moving to the table.
It was all pretty simple but made for quite an impressive spread. To anybody looking in, they’d appear to be a perfect couple enjoying a delicious brunch together. Unfortunately, conversation was stilted, and Elizabeth’s lack of appetite meant she only picked at the lovely-looking breakfast. But no one could say she wasn’t trying.
Emily was wide-eyed and twitchy when Elizabeth beckoned her into her office on Monday morning. She’d never get far in the magazine business, Elizabeth realised. She lacked the edge she needed to get ahead.
“Don’t look so worried,” Elizabeth said, directing her to sit down.
“Okay,” Emily replied, swallowing hard.
“I want to talk to you about the document you left open on my computer last week. You wrote that?”
“Yes. Sorry about that. I should’ve checked it was okay to use your computer. I just thought—”
“I don’t care about you using my computer. You wrote a novel?”
“Yes,” Emily replied, seeming confused by the question.
“It’s really good.”
“Oh, no, it’s not.” She paused and her eyebrows shot upwards. “Did you read it?”
Elizabeth nodded slowly. “Yes.”
“All of it?”
“I couldn’t put it down.” She’d spent all day Sunday reading it and it had been a lovely distraction. “I thoroughly enjoyed it.”
“It’s just a soppy romance…”
“It’s not!” Elizabeth said. “It’s so much more. It’s funny and it’s clever and it made me laugh, and cry. It reminded me how much I love to read.”
It was the first novel she’d read in years, and it had felt so good to get lost in the story. She’d also been reminded of why she worked where she did. Reading had been a huge part of her life as a teenager. She always had a book on the go; wouldn’t leave the house without one. She’d decided on writing as a career and studied journalism at university.
Somewhere along the way she’d found she was good at editing, and even did an internship at a publishing house. For a while she’d imagined herself editing novels for big-name authors and pointing out the bestsellers she’d edited as her claim to fame.
Then she got the job at the magazine and forgot all about editing actual words. Now she spent her time managing people and budgets and layouts – tasks that seemed so far away from her earlier goals. She’d stopped reading for pleasure too. She never had enough time.
“No one else has read it,” Emily said, her eyes sparkling with tears. “I didn’t dare show it to anyone.”
“You should.” Elizabeth felt an odd sense of pride. “Show it to the world.” She looked earnestly at Emily. “Honestly, you should try to get it published.”
“No,” Emily said, shaking her head. “It’s not ready for that.”
“It needs a bit of a polish,” Elizabeth said. “And I wondered if you might let me do that for you…”
“I can’t afford an editor,” Emily said quickly.
“I wouldn’t charge you.”
“Really?”
“Really. I’d like to.”
Before she knew what was happening, Elizabeth had been enveloped in a bear hug and Emily sniffed into her shoulder. “Thank you,” she said.
When Emily left Elizabeth’s office she passed Karen, who was on the way in.
“What’s wrong with her?” Karen asked. “You haven’t fired her, have you?”
“No. She’s fine.”
“Okay,” Karen said, puzzled. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. Have you got a minute?”
“Of course.” Karen smiled widely and closed the door behind her.
“I owe you an apology for last week,” Elizabeth said.
“You’ve already apologised,” Karen said. “It’s fine. I’m worried about you, that’s all.”
“I feel that things are still a bit tense between us. And it’s my fault, I know. I just…” Elizabeth paused and took a deep breath. Maybe it would help to talk things through. “When you asked about the guy in Devon, I got so upset because you were right. Kind of.”
Karen gave her a sympathetic smile. “What happened?”
“Not much,” Elizabeth said with a shrug. It wasn’t true. She hadn’t slept with him, that was what she was getting at. But a lot had happened. “I spent all week with him, and somehow I convinced myself that there was no harm in it – that it was innocent.” She gave a frustrated sigh. “Now I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“Are you still in touch with him?”
“No. I told him that I was engaged, and happy, and didn’t want to risk messing that up.”
“Good,” Karen said quietly. “Did you tell Phil?”
“I don’t know what I would say. Should I tell him I kissed another guy? That I really like the other guy and can’t stop thinking about him? That I’m not sure I love him any more? That I can’t help thinking we should call off our wedding?” Tears dampened her eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I know I like to joke about Phil being a weasel, like all men! But, honestly, Phil’s a good guy. You two are great together. Don’t throw that away for a fling.”
“I know. But I’m so torn. Being with Phil feels like such hard work. I feel like we disagree about everything. I spend all my time biting my tongue around him.”
“Relationships are hard work,” Karen said. “I wish I’d worked harder at my marriage.”
“But don’t you also think that you just married the wrong person? What if Phil and I aren’t meant to be together? Wouldn’t it be better to figure that out now rather than after we’re married?”
“But you love Phil,” Karen insisted.
“I keep telling myself that, but I keep having these doubts. Like, we both said we don’t want kids. And now that’s panicking me. What if I change my mind?”
“You were always so sure you didn’t want kids.”
“I know. And I probably don’t.”
Definitely not with Phil. But what if she was with someone who wanted kids? Maybe she’d feel differently then.
“That’s something you should discuss with Phil,” Karen said. “But the fling with the guy at the beach isn’t real. It’s just exciting because it’s new and different. You don’t even know the guy properly. What w
ould you do? Run away with him and start a whole new life?”
“No,” Elizabeth said, her mouth twitching into a smile. She’d been telling herself it was crazy but it sounded even worse when you said it out loud. “Everything feels a bit flat at the moment, that’s all.”
“You and Phil have been together a long time. Things are bound to go a bit flat. You’ll get through this. Five years from now, you’ll be happily married, you’ll be sitting in my chair bossing everyone around, and you’ll absolutely love it. Everything will be great. You’ll see!”
“You’re right,” Elizabeth said, wishing she could feel as enthusiastic about her future as Karen was.
“I am,” Karen declared. “Take my advice. Forget about your holiday fling, and focus on Phil and your wedding. You’re getting married – it’s exciting!”
“Thanks.” It was what Elizabeth needed: a bit of a shoulder shake and a reality check.
With a fresh sense of determination, she fully intended to take Karen’s advice.
Chapter 30
After two weeks of determinedly following Karen’s advice, Elizabeth felt exactly the same. Perhaps that’s not true; things were arguably slightly worse. As well as the problems in her relationship with Phil, she was also finding work increasingly frustrating. Using it as a distraction wasn’t as effective as it should be.
Being at the office was preferable to being at home, but she was only going through the motions. Nothing she was doing felt worthwhile or inspiring – with one exception. She’d been editing Emily’s novel in her spare time – and she was loving the process. She wished she could devote more time to it.
She still thought of Max often, and missed him just as much, which was ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. Karen had been right about their fling; it didn’t mean anything. She wasn’t going to run happily into the sunset and start a new life with Max.
Yet something niggled at her. What if her feelings for Max weren’t the cause of the problems in her relationship with Phil? What if the problems had been there before Max? Maybe, deep down, she’d already had doubts about marrying Phil, and Max had merely highlighted those doubts.
For someone who was usually so sure of herself, she was having difficulty keeping her thoughts and feelings straight. She’d tell herself everything was fine, and then five minutes later feel like getting in her car and just driving away. Anywhere. It didn’t matter where. She just wanted to keep driving and never stop.
It was suddenly Friday again and she’d promised Phil they’d spend some time together over the weekend. Everyone else had left the office and she stared at her computer screen, dreading going home. She felt she was living a lie, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep it up.
Phil would be wondering where she was.
She’d taken to driving into work. The time it added to her commute didn’t bother her at all; it gave her time alone, which was increasingly what she craved. When she got in the car that Friday evening, her desire to avoid going home was so strong that she shot off a quick message to Phil saying she had to visit Josie, but wouldn’t be long.
Josie didn’t answer the intercom but when another resident left the building, Elizabeth slipped inside and went upstairs. She banged on Josie’s door, panicking that she wasn’t in. When Josie finally answered, she was wrapped in a towel.
“I was starting to think you weren’t home,” Elizabeth said, barging in. “I could have been anyone, by the way. You could have let a madman in. Don’t just open the door when someone bangs on it. Have you got no sense?”
“Never mind the madman,” Josie said. “I’ve let a mad woman in. Lesson learned. What’s wrong with you?”
“Everything,” Elizabeth said, stalking through to the living room. “I might seriously be a mad woman. I’m going crazy. What am I doing?” She pulled her blazer off roughly and threw it across the room as if it was trying to attack her. “I hate my stupid clothes!”
“Okay. You’re scaring me. Sit down.”
“But I hate them,” Elizabeth said, kicking off her black patent stilettos.
“Liz! You need to calm down!”
“Don’t call me Liz! I hate it. Everyone keeps calling me Elizabeth or Liz and I hate it.”
Josie’s mouth twitched into a half-smile as she dropped onto the couch. “You know that’s your name, don’t you? Because now you’re really worrying me…”
“But I hate it.” Elizabeth scowled. “And I hate my life.”
“Since when?”
“I don’t know,” she said. But she did know, of course: she knew exactly when everything had gone wrong.
“Well, what exactly do you hate?” Josie asked.
“All of it! Work…” She couldn’t bring herself to say Phil, but he was there, on the tip of her tongue. Hate was a strong word, and she was certain she wouldn’t hate him at all if she didn’t have to spend any time with him, but that wasn’t ideal since she was marrying him. “Everything,” she said sadly.
“I’m supposed to be getting ready to go out,” Josie said, sounding decidedly unmoved.
“Sorry,” Elizabeth said, wondering why she’d felt the need to visit Josie with her problems. But she didn’t feel like leaving. “Have you got wine?”
“Nothing up to your standards,” Josie said flatly.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “Please.”
With a sigh, Josie stood and went in search of wine. She returned moments later with a pair of mismatched glasses brimming with cheap white wine.
“You’re not supposed to fill it so full,” Elizabeth said as she carefully manoeuvred the glass to her lips, gulping at it to lighten the load.
“Whatever.” Josie took a long sip. “You seem like you need it. I’m going out. I need to get ready.” She glanced back as she left the room. “Your phone’s vibrating around the kitchen, by the way.”
“That’ll be Phil,” Elizabeth said, with no intention of answering it.
Halfway through her wine, she stood and wandered through the apartment, taking in the mess. She picked up a photo from a cluttered bookshelf: it was of the two of them on a beach when they were kids, wearing matching polka-dot swimsuits. Another photo on a different shelf was of them with their parents, gathered around a birthday cake with six candles, and Josie in the middle of blowing them out.
The only photos in Elizabeth’s apartment were some elegantly framed black and white ones of her and Phil, taken by a professional in a studio. It suddenly seemed an odd thing to do – posing for photos instead of taking them in a natural situation. She lingered on another photo: a selfie of Josie and Emily, presumably on a night out, all dressed up and grinning into the camera. Emily looked completely different. She always seemed so nervous in the office, but she and Josie seemed ready to take on the world. Their joy radiated out into the room.
Walking to Josie’s bedroom, she pushed gently at the door. Josie stood in front of the mirror holding up two tops. “The grey one,” Elizabeth said.
“Thanks.” Josie threw the grey top on the bed and pulled on the sequinned one instead. She grinned cheekily at Elizabeth, then admired herself in the mirror. She wore ripped jeans that somehow looked okay dressed up with a decent top. Her make-up was minimal – as always – and her brown hair fell just below her shoulders.
Her eyes darted to Elizabeth when the doorbell rang. “I feel like I should invite you along…”
Elizabeth shook her head. “I’m not in the mood for a night out.”
“Thank God for that.” Josie said mischievously. “We’re meeting some guys and I don’t really want you cramping my style!”
“Do you mind if I stay here for a bit and finish this?” Elizabeth asked, holding up her wine.
“Make yourself at home.” Josie turned back briefly. “Next time bring your own wine!”
Chapter 31
Elizabeth hadn’t intended to stay overnight at Josie’s place. But the messy flat had suddenly felt homely and warm. It was cosy. Not unlike Seaside Cottage
, she thought, somewhere towards the bottom of her second glass of wine.
There was a romantic comedy on TV which kept her entertained for a couple of hours, and when that finished, she stared at the ceiling until she fell asleep on the couch.
She stirred briefly in the early hours, when Josie stumbled home, but quickly fell back to sleep. Her head was foggy when she woke, and she dozed on and off for a while before finally venturing into the kitchen for coffee. She couldn’t face checking her phone for Phil’s missed calls and messages. After a few sips of coffee, she imagined him worrying about where she was and got her phone out, texting to tell him she was fine and had just fallen asleep at Josie’s. She couldn’t bring herself to apologise for worrying him.
It was mid-morning when she nudged Josie awake.
“Jesus, Liz!” Josie shouted, almost falling out of bed in shock. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack? How did you get in?”
“I slept on the couch.”
“Why?” Josie asked, rubbing her eyes and trying to wake up properly.
“I just fell asleep.”
“You could’ve at least made me breakfast,” Josie grumbled, snuggling back into her pillow.
“You’ve got no food in,” Elizabeth said. “But I’ll take you out for breakfast.”
“I won’t be able to move for a while.”
“Oh, come on. Jump in the shower and you’ll feel fine.”
With a groan, Josie dragged herself out of bed. “Life was easier when you didn’t want to know me,” she mumbled as she headed for the shower.
The comment wasn’t intended harshly, but it bothered Elizabeth nonetheless. Why had she always been so irritated by Josie? She found it hard to understand Josie’s flighty attitude, but Josie wasn’t a bad person. And why couldn’t Elizabeth overlook her flaws and just accept her for who she was? Maybe she was jealous of Josie. Josie had always been so carefree, while Elizabeth worried about every little thing.
