Joy and Tiers

by Mary Crawford

  “Oh Gidget, you don’t fight fair.” Ty grits through his teeth as his hips buck wildly.

  “Who says we’re at war? I’m on your side remember? This is your reward. Just let go. I’ll keep you safe.”

  I draw him in as deeply as I can and continue to stoke him in long hard strokes. I watch as the muscle in Ty’s jaw tightens and his eyes squeeze shut. “If you don’t want to become really well acquainted with me, you best move,” he warns in a low growl.

  I smile shyly and shrug as I continue to suck.

  Tyler’s body turns rigid and a shudder overtakes his whole body as warm salty fluid fills my mouth. I’m so focused on the expression on Ty’s face, I barely notice that he has reached over my head and is holding the ice tea he placed on the nightstand earlier.

  Sipping it, I try to untangle some of my hair which is caught in Tyler’s wristwatch. I realize that I must look like some deranged cartoon character. Nervously, I start to yank and tear at the hair so I can flee from the bed. Tyler grabs my hands to still them and patiently untangles the trapped curl from the link in his watchband. As I start to rise from the bed, he grabs my hand. “Where are you goin’ Gidg?”

  “Umm, I’m kind of a disaster area here,” I reply self-consciously as I try to comb my fingers through my hair. “I’m just gonna go straighten myself out a little.”

  “You can if you want to, but you look perfect to me. Come lay with me for a bit. I know its cliché, but I want to sleep with you in my feather bed.”

  Well, what’s a girl to say to a heartfelt plea from a handsome cowboy like Tyler Colton except, “Yes, sir.”

  The incessant beeping of my annoyingly high-tech watch wakes me from the best sleep I’ve had in forever. As I struggle to turn the damn thing off, a whiff of lemon scent catches my nose as a lock of Heather’s hair falls across my face. When I finally succeed in silencing the offensive gadget, I stroke her hair back from her face. She smiles in her sleep and snuggles close to my chest. It’s probably a good thing I set the alarm, because given a choice, I would rather stay right here. However, I know Heather has been looking forward to giving Velvet to Mindy for months and I don’t want to step on that joy.

  As the light reflects off of my military surplus watch, the weight of the decisions I’ve just made start to spin around in my head at a dizzying pace. In the blink of an eye, I see that watch-face covered in blood as I tried to use it to keep track of a teammate’s fading heart rate. How can I ask her to make that kind of sacrifice for me when I don’t know how many days like today we’re going to have? I curse at myself under my breath. For a sliver of time I was blissfully happy. Why can’t I leave my brain in that headspace? Why do my thoughts have to fall back into all the dark crevices of despair and anger at the most random times? I try to use some of the breathing and visualization techniques I was taught in the VA hospital to bring back some balance.

  Heather must sense my distress in her sleep because she slides her arm up my body and cups the side of my face with her hand before she settles into my chest with a soft sigh. I watch her sleep for a couple of minutes as I acknowledge that she’s the best thing that’s happened in my life in years. I don’t know how I’m going to make this choice. But, today we have other things on the agenda and little girls waiting for Christmas presents don’t like to wait.

  I kiss the top of her head to wake her up. Gradually, she stirs and looks up at me with a puzzled expression, “What are you doing with my hair now? Your fascination with it borders on the downright odd.”

  “Although I admit I love your hair, this time I plead innocent. Nothing terribly kinky this go around. I’m just trying to wake you up. Jeff and Kiera are going to be here in about a half an hour and we probably shouldn’t answer the door naked.”

  “Tyler Joseph Colton! I’m feeling a little bit less warm and fuzzy about you right now. I know we’ve had this discussion before. I cannot turn this mess into a hint of fabulousness in an instant. It takes me a little bit of time. Kiera is going to know exactly what happened here just by looking at me. This is beyond embarrassing!”

  I try really hard to keep my expression neutral but she’s just too cute when she is all wound up. I suppose I should feel bad; she does have a point. I did push the timeline a little close. I raise my hands in surrender as I sit up and apologize, as I help her out of the deep featherbed, “I’m sorry Darlin’ I was havin’ way too much fun with you one-on-one and wasn’t thinking about how it might look to everyone else. But, I would venture to guess they probably wonder why this hasn’t happened a long time ago and they’ll love you regardless of how you look. So, it’s up to you. The jeans and sweatshirt you wore the other week are out in the laundry room. I washed them up for you. Or, you can get all ‘spiffified’. You know me, I think you’re gorgeous regardless of what you wear.”

  Heather rolls her eyes at me. “You’re such a guy!” She sticks her tongue out at me as she turns and runs toward the bathroom.

  “Well, I’m not going to argue with that. That would be extremely counter-productive, don’t you think?”

  Holy smokes, I did cut it a little close. I barely got myself showered and dressed and the bedroom back into some semblance of order before the doorbell rang. Mindy is an exceptionally curious child and considers my mini ranch her personal Fisher-Price Little Red Barn come to life. I don’t want her stumbling across anything which would embarrass Heather.

  When I open the door, Mindy launches herself into my arms and opens her mouth as wide as she can. At first she tries to talk with her mouth open, but then thinks better of it. “Look, Uncle Ty! See! I’m going to get braces just like Gabriel did. He says all the cool kids get braces. Did you get braces? Uncle Aidan had braces when he was a kid.”

  As I gently set her down, I shake my head. “Nope, I didn’t have braces, but I was jealous of everyone else who did. Everybody got to change their rubber bands to cool colors and I didn’t. Why don’t we move out of the doorway and let your mom and dad in the house? Where’s Becca?”

  “Dad’s carrying her. She runs really fast now. She’s getting so big it’s hard for me to carry her. It’s a good thing I don’t have to save her from my Nana now; I don’t think I could run very far.”

  Her casual mention of what was a horrific time in her past is a startling reminder of how much has changed for all of us in two years. I don’t think I will live long enough to forget seeing the graphic crime photos of Mindy’s hand after her grandmother held it in a pot of boiling water because Mindy interrupted her soap operas. Nor will I ever forget the horrific infected pressure sores and diaper rash Becca had as an infant because the adults in her life were too consumed with drugs and alcohol to pay attention to their children. Finally, Becca’s condition had gotten so dire that as a six-year-old, Mindy, attempted to take the bus to run away with Becca. When the bus driver refused to allow them to get on the bus, Mindy got into a stranger’s car and was almost abducted but managed to run away with Becca. It was a miraculous escape. Kiera was the social worker on the case and fell instantly in love with both girls. Since Jeff was already head over heels in love with Kiera, the girls were just a bonus.

  I’m a little stunned when I see Becca. She’s often down for a nap or already in bed when I go over to see Jeff, so it’s been a while since I’ve seen her. She has lost her baby-like appearance and is very much an independent toddler as she fishes out goldfish crackers from a baggie in Jeff’s hand and silently stuffs them in her mouth. While it’s clear that she and Mindy are sisters, her hair has begun to take on a more amber tone like Kiera’s and her eyes have turned more green than blue. She is also much more reserved than Mindy. However, it’s not a big surprise. Most people on the planet are more reserved than Mindy. I’m not sure Mindy has ever met someone that she doesn’t instantly consider a friend as long as they pass whatever internal radar Mindy possesses. Mindy and Tara seem to share some spooky ability to take the measure of somebody’s character just by watching them. Their skills would be
handy in my line of work.

  “Where’s Heather? I thought I saw her car outside,” Kiera asks, looking around.

  “Oh, you know her she’s probably whipping us up something to eat,” I answer vaguely. “Do you guys have presents you need me to bring in?”

  Much to my surprise, Becca nods vigorously and takes her fingers out of her mouth before exclaiming, “Uh-huh lotsa Santa pwesnts.”

  I hold my arms out to her and ask, “Do you want to show me where they are, Princess Peanut?”

  She looks a little dubious at first, but I guess the lure of presents was enough to overcome her shyness with me. I guess she doesn’t remember all the days I spent rocking her in a rocking chair when she had colic.

  From behind me I hear snickering. I see Heather has come downstairs wearing her jeans and one of my T-shirts with the sleeves rolled up. It’s all I can do not to puff out my chest with approval. At the moment, Heather and Mindy have their heads together and they are dissolved in a private moment of whispers and laughter. “All right you two … what’s so funny?” I ask, clueless about what I’ve done.

  “We think it’s funny that you called Becca, Princess Peanut. Because she’s not little anymore. Did you forget?” Mindy responds with a giggle.

  “No, I noticed that she is growing like a tumbleweed. But, if I can’t call her by her nickname, does it mean I can’t call you Mindy Mouse?”

  Mindy’s eyebrows draw together in concentration as she considers my point. “But— I like my nickname. I suppose you can still call her Peanut since she’s still smaller than me. But, someday we’re going to have to come up with a different name.”

  Heather pulls Mindy up and walks to the front door. “Did somebody say something about presents? That’s my favorite part of Christmas.”

  At that point, Mindy, Kiera, Jeff and I respond in unison, “No, it’s not!”

  Heather spins around and places her hands on her hips and asks, “What do I like better?”

  “Baking Christmas cookies!” Mindy exclaims. “I can’t wait! Did you save the ones I helped you make?”

  “I sure did. Maybe Tyler can help us carry them in from my car.”

  I shoot her my grumpiest look. “You had those in your car all day and didn’t tell me about them? How mean are you?”

  “Tyler, I know you a little too well and you’re not big on sharing dessert. These are my friends and I cherish them. If you had gotten to the cookies first, there probably wouldn’t be any left and my friends would be sad. I didn’t want sad friends on Christmas. That’s why the cookies got left in the car. Never fear though, I made an extra-large cookie just for you.”

  I walk over and give her a kiss on the forehead since I’m still holding Becca. “You’re so sweet, Gidget. Can I eat it now?” I plead with big puppy dog eyes.

  Mindy eyes me suspiciously, “Have you had dinner, Uncle Ty? Everyone knows you can only have cookies after dinner.”

  Heather stands on her tip toes and kisses me softly as she says, “Oops, the Voice of Authority has spoken. I guess you have to wait.”

  By the looks of astonishment on the faces of Kiera and Jeff, I’m not the only one taken off guard by Heather’s openly affectionate gesture. In the past, she’s always teased me about being a handsome cowboy, but she’s never been physically demonstrative with me in public.

  Heather looks around self-consciously at the curious expressions and my look of total befuddlement. “Really people? After the song and dance this lovable oaf and I have been through for literally years, is anybody going to pretend to be surprised I finally caved?” she asks shaking her head. She takes her finger and gently closes my slack jaw. “You should be the least surprised of anybody. Was I supposed to keep it a secret?”

  I struggle to find the right words. I’m not even sure what I want to say. I guess in my head, I’ve been a couple with her for much longer than we’ve actually been dating. I really haven’t been pursuing anyone else since I met her. I kept up the friendship ruse for months just for an opportunity to be close to her. After I met her family, it became clear our relationship had deepened a great deal but I’ve never been entirely sure until today where I stand with her. I have two warring factions in my head. There’s a large part of me that wants to brag to the world about this wonderful treasure I’ve found and tell everyone how special she is to me. But, an opposing force wants to keep what we found private, secret and untouched by the world around us. Intellectually, I know it’s going to be impossible to do and is probably completely unnecessary. But, the last time I thought I had a great relationship, the real world intruded and smashed it to smithereens.

  Heather still has her finger on my chin and she’s looking at me expectantly. I lift her hand and kiss her fingertip. “Of course I don’t want you to keep us a secret from your friends, I just thought we would break the news with a little bit of subtle handholding, a Facebook status update or something.”

  Jeff lets out a hoot of laughter. “In case it has escaped your notice, Ty, your girlfriend rarely does subtle. In fact, get used to it. None of the Girlfriend Posse does quiet and unassuming well.”

  “Hey, it’s not exactly like Mr. Cowboy/Soldier/Cop does subtle very well either. Have you seen that monster truck he drives? What about those jeans he wears?” Heather argues, rolling her eyes.

  “I think you’re pretty well matched. Although I am surprised it took this long for you guys to get your timing right,” remarks Kiera.

  “It’s so cool that Aunt Heather has a boyfriend now. Heather and Ty K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a tree,” Mindy sing-songs.

  Heather blushes to an impressive shade of red. She tweaks Mindy’s ponytail as she playfully threatens, “I’d be careful if I were you. Your teenage years are right around the corner.”

  Jeff dramatically clutches his chest as he asks, “Did you really have to go there?”

  I take a little pity on my best friend. “Breathe buddy. You have years. It’s not tomorrow. She just turned nine.” I turn to Heather and whisper in her ear, “The sooner you finish causing a ruckus here, the sooner we can all eat Christmas cookies and send everyone home.”

  Kiera catches a glimpse of Heather’s reaction to my comment and just shakes her head as she mutters, “You know what? There are just some things I’m better off not knowing—”

  I wink at her as I reply, “Probably. But, now you know what it was like the whole time you and Prince Charming over here were dating. It was impressive and nauseating all at the same time.” I can’t hide my smile as Kiera starts to blush as much as Heather.

  As Jeff and I are unloading the car, Jeff’s father-in-law Denny pulls up. I shoot Jeff a questioning glance, he shrugs in response. When he sees his mom climb out of the passenger’s side of Denny’s old truck he just about drops the tray of cookies in his hands. “Oh man, we’re going to be busted for sure. Mindy’s too smart for this,” Jeff mutters under his breath. When Gwendolyn approaches he says, “Mom, I thought we talked about this. You’re going to blow the surprise.”

  Denny looks chagrined as he responds, “Sorry, son. I tried to talk her out of it. She insists that Mindy needs a new saddle made just for her.”

  Jeff looks slightly pained but pats his mom on the shoulder and responds, “Okay, new game plan. You and I will go distract them with all your fancy food and Ty and Denny will take care of what needs to be done out here.”

  As we’re putting the new saddle on Velvet, Denny takes note of the festive state of her mane. “That’s not something I usually expect from you,” he observes as he slides a slipping bow back into place.

  “Yeah, it’s definitely a little fancy for my blood. But, let’s just say my horizons have been expanded lately. Heather has been like a stylist to the stars for that mare. In fact, none of my horses have ever looked better.”

  “You need to be careful with that one. She acts tough and brash, but her heart is really tender. She’s been surrounded by a lot of assholes in her life. Don’t be another one, okay? Look, I k
now she’s not really my daughter, but I think of her as my own. I haven’t known you for as long as some of Kiera’s friends but you strike me as a good guy. Don’t prove me wrong on this one.”

  “I appreciate your endorsement sir. It’s been difficult being stationed so far from my parents. It’s been a privilege to share Jeff’s friends and family. I can tell you without hesitation that Heather is the most important person in my life in a really long time and I will do everything in my power to make sure she feels loved, cared for and safe. Jeff knows better than anybody the one thing I can’t promise her is that I’ll be here forever. I had to hold a team member in my arms until he drew his last breath. The last thing he asked me to do was to beg his wife’s forgiveness that he didn’t make it home for the birth of his child.”

  I haven’t shared that part of the story with anyone except my commanding officer before. It’s still makes me weak in the knees. I fumble around for a place to sit down. Denny pulls a bale of hay down from the loft and pushes me down until I’m sitting. He takes off the backpack he’s wearing and fishes out a couple of cans of root beer. He kicks over a nearby stool and removes the tackle that’s sitting on the top. He sits down and nods for me to continue. I’m grateful he doesn’t say anything because if he would have, I might not have the courage to continue.

  I try to concentrate on gathering my thoughts and I continue in frustrated bursts of speech. “I’ll be honest with you. That’s the part of this equation I haven’t yet figured out. I don’t know how I can live my life without Heather in it, yet I don’t know how I can ask her to look at the kind of future she might be facing if she marries me. Either way, it isn’t fair to either of us. I can’t ask her to face the possibility of that black car pulling into our driveway with the uniforms coming out. You’ve met her family. They would destroy her.”

  Denny leans forward and puts his hands on my shoulders causing me to look up at him. “Tyler, you need to listen to me here. Life isn’t fair to anyone, soldier or not. I’m not sure how much of my back story you know, but I lost my first love to a cancerous brain tumor that almost cost my daughter’s life too. My wife was accused of intentionally trying to kill my daughter. It was incredibly hard to stand by both and not be angry at the world. I can’t say that I was successful every single day, but dammit if I didn’t try. My wife did not deserve to die and Kiera did not deserve to be paralyzed because of brain cancer— still that’s what life did to them. So, you can’t wait for life to be fair before you find love because it just isn’t ever going to be. If you find love, you have to capture the moments and treasure them while you can. You can’t worry about what might be, because you can’t change the might-be’s. The only day you can live is today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow— just today.”