Joy and Tiers

by Mary Crawford

  “Come on, Allan, man—you don’t want to do this. Think of your family. You start messing with an officer and your charges go way up.”

  “I got nothing else to lose. They’re gonna take my boy. I’m not going to let them do that. You’ll have to kill me first.”

  Faster than I can blink, a 6 inch switchblade appears in the hand I wasn’t focused on and he has it pressed to my side.

  “Allan, look over there. Your boy is watching everything you’re doing. He thinks you’re Superman. Do you really want him to see this?” I ask trying to keep my voice even. Mentally, I’m trying to calculate how long it might take for backup to get here. I didn’t really escalate the call when I asked for backup because I foolishly thought it was going to be routine. I forgot the basic rule of policing. There is no such thing as routine.

  “It don’t really matter. He’s too little to remember anyway. He’ll be better off without me. My old lady is right. I’m only good to him dead.”

  “Allan, I’s’s just not true. My best friend lost his dad when he was not much older than your son and he blamed himself most of his life for his death. Do you want Nathaniel to go through his life with on his shoulders? It would be so much worse for your son, because my friend wasn’t even present for his dad’s death. Don’t make me shoot you in front of your son.”

  “How am I supposed to live without him? He’s gonna know his dad is a total loser. The judge said I can’t even visit him without somebody being there with me.”

  “So, if you’re honest with yourself, did the judge have a reason to rule way? Was he keeping your boy safe?”

  “Hell, yeah. You’ve seen me. Spend more time in a bottle than I do sober and I got no job. My stupid old lady won’t shut up about it. She’s always yappin’ in my face I gotta take more responsibility. Well, I showed her who was boss and then she called the cops over a couple little bruises. I don’t get it. My dad used to beat the shit out of my mom and she never said a word. I barely laid a hand on Debbie and she goes and turns me in. It’s all her fault little Natey got taken away. Now, I don’t know what to do!” Abruptly, he puts his hand down by his side and starts to pace. “You got a light? I need to smoke.”

  I shake my head as I step behind him to cuff him, “Sorry Allan, I don’t smoke. I gave it up when I was a teenager. Couldn’t be a jock and smoke at the same time. But, what if I could get you some help with the other stuff? You know best friend I was telling you about? Well, he married himself a phenomenal woman who happens to be a brilliant social worker. She knows tons of people in the field. She could probably help you find a really great treatment program to help you pull your life together. It’s not too late to turn your life around. Isn’t your son worth it?”

  Allan looks up at me from the back seat of the SUV with skepticism clearly written on his face. “Why are you being so nice to me? I just tried to kill you.”

  “Let’s just say I’ve seen stress make people do a lot of crazy things. There is enough death and destruction in this world. If I can prevent one more family from being torn apart, I’d like to do it . So, consider this a second chance. Use it wisely. Not everyone gets one.”

  “Dude, you are the weirdest cop I’ve ever seen.”

  “Thank you, I’m going to take as a compliment.”

  After hours and hours of paperwork and endless phone calls to get Allan situated in a detox program with treatment to follow, Nathaniel processed through Child Protective Services and reunited with his mom, I finally pull up in my driveway. As I watch Heather’s silhouette dance in the kitchen window as she’s backlit by the bright lights of my kitchen island, the adrenaline dump hits. My God! That was a close call. I just never know what I’m going to roll up on. What the hell am I going to tell Heather? Do I tell her I was a fraction of an inch from not coming home today? What purpose would serve? Am I lying to her if I don’t tell her?

  Fatigue overwhelms me and I rest my head on the steering wheel as I try to gather my thoughts. I don’t know how long I sat there with my eyes closed, listening to the rain, when I hear the vehicle door open and feel Heather’s cool hand on my forehead.

  “Come on, Cowboy. Let’s get you inside. You look exhausted. It’s a little late for pancakes, but I made you chili and cornbread.”

  At the mere mention of food, my stomach emits a loud growl. I smile weakly as I remark, “As you can hear, I’ve got no complaints about .” I unfold my long frame from the utility vehicle, scoop Heather up in my arms and make a run for the front porch. When I set her down, I gather her up into a tight embrace and just wordlessly hold her for several minutes.

  “I love you too,” she murmurs in my ear. Heather pulls away from me and slides her arm around my waist as she walks me into the house. “I understand you had a really tough day,” Heather comments as she pours me a cup of coffee in my favorite mug.

  I try to school my features to cover my surprise. “I’ve had better days. Why? What have you heard?”

  Heather looks a little defensive. “Relax Cowboy, I’m not going to ask you to divulge any state secrets. I just know something big happened because Kiera went into super-secret confidential work mode not too long after you went on your call. I just put two and two together. I know you guys can’t talk about this stuff. I wouldn’t ask you to reveal anything would jeopardize your job.”

  Sighing heavily, I kiss the top of her head. This is really hard. I’ve never had anybody I’ve been responsible to and before now, I’ve never wanted to. Now I want to share the whole story, I’m not sure how appropriate it is. “Sometimes, I forget you’re entirely too smart for your own good. I’m not sure how much of this I can share. But, I had a closer call than I was comfortable with today and it scared the living crap out of me. Part of me doesn’t want to tell you anything because I don’t want you to be scared and the other part of me wants to tell you everything because I want you to know what you’re signing up for when you marry me. I don’t know if makes me certifiably insane or what?”

  The throbbing ache at the base of my skull becomes a full-blown headache and I rub my eyes in an effort to erase it. Heather pushes a huge bowl of chili in my direction and places a basket of steaming cornbread beside it. “Did you even eat any lunch today?” she demands.

  I shrug. “Does a pack of M&Ms count?”

  Heather rolls her eyes. “Have I taught you nothing? Of course not! No wonder you have a headache. Eat.”

  I take a big bite. My tension melts away as the warm food hits my stomach. I used to think I had the worst luck in the world, but now I’m considering myself pretty blessed. I not only walked away from a dicey call this afternoon, but so did everyone else. Better yet, a guy’s been messed up for years may actually finally get the help he needs. I’m going to call a win. The best thing of all, is at the end of the day, I have someone to come home to now. Not just anyone, my perfect balance. Someone who sees my cracks and became my glue, saw my weaknesses and became my strength, saw my sorrow and became my joy.

  Heather is watching me like a hawk as I demolish every bite of food on the table and drink my coffee with absolute relish. “How are you, really?” she asks, concern creasing her brow. “Tell me how you really are, not what you think is the prettied up answer for public consumption. This is a conversation between us— the one safe place on the planet for you to be yourself. If you’re not safe here, you’re not safe anywhere.”

  I rake my hand over my face in a gesture of frustration. “Shaky. Okay? There. Are you happy? I admit it. I feel as weak as a kitten. As that lowlife was holding a knife on me, all I could think about was everything we have built together could be gone in an instant and I didn’t even have a chance to tell you goodbye. You would’ve been just like so many others except you would’ve been so much worse off because I haven’t even set you up to be taken care of after I’m gone. It was the worst feeling in the world. I kept playing our relationship over in my head wondering why I had waited so long to make my move. We wasted so much precious time
together. All I knew was that I had to get out of there alive so I could tell you I love you every day for the rest of our lives.”

  Heather blinks back tears at my unexpectedly emotional confession. “I can’t believe you even had a minute to think about me with all was going on in moment. Honestly, I don’t know how to process what you said. Am I supposed to know how? Is there some innate knowledge the other spouses or partners know I don’t know yet helps them cope? I’m so relieved you’re safe but I’m glad I didn’t know about the knife. Even with what little bit I did know—I was completely freaking out. It was so hard not knowing. I can’t pretend otherwise.”

  I watch as a tear slides slowly down her cheek. The salty trail it leaves behind mirrors the cracks of pain in my heart. As unprepared as I was for the sheer joy, contentment and sometimes outright silliness of being in a relationship with Heather, I was equally unprepared for the pain and abject fear as my wall crumbled. Before she came into my life, I was perfectly comfortable being the good-time guy floating along in life pretending like I didn’t give a damn. attitude cost me a shot at college and my athletic career. It was only by the grace of God and through the quick thinking of an Army recruiter that I ended up turning my life around instead of becoming a lost soul like Allan. I had the attitude, risk factors and the recklessness. Thank God for people like my parents and Jeff who never gave up on me even when I tried to push them out of my life. Now, I’ve got one more anchor keeping me grounded if I can manage not to scare her away. If only…

  I stand up and pull her into my arms. “I’m sorry, Gidg. I wish I had a magic wand to make all the evil in the world go away, but I don’t. Before I met you, I had a healthy respect for the dangers involved in my job, but to be honest, I really didn’t give it much thought. It never really mattered to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I had a death wish or anything; it’s just no one on the planet—outside of my parents—really cared whether I won the Nobel Peace Prize or turned into caterpillar poop.”

  Heather scoffs at me and clicks her tongue at me like a schoolmarm as she argues, “That’s a lie right there. Your friends would care a great deal. I bet the men in your unit would too. You always sell yourself short. A lot of people would be devastated if something happened to you.”

  “I don’t know about that . I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. But what I do know is for the first time in a really long time I feel like I would be missing out on something if I weren’t around. It’s a great feeling to be checked back into my life, but it’s also terrifying. Because as I was so rudely reminded today things can go sideways in a hurry. My mind kept thinking about all of the times I could’ve told you I love you and I didn’t. I’m so sorry I wasted so much time living in my own head.”

  “Tyler, quit being so hard on yourself. A relationship takes two people. I wasn’t exactly making it easy. I had my own fears and insecurities to overcome. I learned a valuable lesson today too. I learned if you get deployed, it’s going to be exponentially harder than I ever expected it to be. Based on the time we spent apart during your class, I figured it was going to royally suck; but when you add the danger factor, it takes it to a level beyond what I could possibly understand. I thought I understood what it will be like because I have been hanging out on the military support boards and hanging out down at the station. But, I realize now, I really have no idea what those families are really enduring on a daily basis until now. I guess all I can do is cherish every moment we have together until you’re gone and treasure those moments until you come back.”

  “What if I don’t come back? I almost didn’t today. Is it fair of me ask that of you?” I ask in an anguished voice, as I crush her to me in a tight embrace.

  “I can’t un-love you. It doesn’t work way. You didn’t ask me to love you. I just did. So, you can’t ask me to fall out of love with you. Besides, love never deals in the realm of fair or not fair. If it did, parents would never have to bury their kids, pets would never die and spouses would never have to say goodbye. If the unthinkable happens and you die, I pray I would remember the amazing joy you brought to my life and somehow gather the strength to move on because I know that’s what you would want me to do,” She murmurs against the side of my face.

  “I would want you to move on,” I answer in a harsh whisper, against her temple.

  “Of course you would, because that’s the kind of person you are. You’re the one who taught me how to fall in love with myself. Because of that, I was able to freely love you. I know you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall. After all you’ve been through, I don’t know how you couldn’t live that way. But, you have to know that for my own sanity, I can’t live that way. There’s still a really big part of me that believes in happily ever after, Disney Princess fairytale endings. I want the kind of love story my grandparents had. When I envision a future with you, I want to think about whatever version of Skype-ing with the grandkids will be happening in fifty years as we’re managing a sprawling ranch somewhere. I don’t know, maybe we may even own some famous bed and breakfast by then— who knows? But the point is, whenever I think about the future, I never, ever see facing it without you in it.”

  I kiss her tenderly as I whisper, “Oh Gidget. If only it was that easy, from your lips to God’s ears—”

  “I wish it was that easy too. But, is it really going to help anything to focus on all the scenarios that could go wrong? Let’s just dream about how wonderful our life is going to be when we finally can get married, okay?”

  “I sorta figured we’d have red dresses since Aunt Tara’s wedding is on Valentine’s Day,” Mindy says twirling around in her peach taffeta dress.

  “Red would have been a good choice too. But, I like these. They are understated and elegant like Tara. Besides, they match the flowers on her cake.”

  “Does Aunt Tara know that I helped make the leaves on her cake?”

  “I don’t know, but I will be sure to tell her that you are the master of gum paste leaves, okay? Can you wash your hands and help me set out chocolate dipped strawberries?”

  As I turn to pick up a tray of fruit and place it on the counter of the exclusive country club that Justice Gardner has managed to procure, my purse starts playing the Army fight song. My heart plummets to my stomach as I recognize the special ring tone that Tyler has assigned to his commanding officer. Ty must have left his phone in my purse when he, Aidan and Jeff went to go shoot some hoops in the gym facility this morning. I rush past Mindy as I grab my purse. “Which direction did the guys go?”

  When she points to the back patio area, I take off at a dead sprint. Fortunately, I’m still wearing my bunny slippers as I round the corner of the building and almost run straight into Tyler’s chest. He steadies me as I almost topple over, “Whoa Gidget! You didn’t set the kitchen on fire, did you?” he teasingly asks. His expression instantly sobers as he hears the strident cadence of his ringtone. His complexion pales and he sways slightly. “You have to be eff’n kidding me! Today of all days, really? I swear, they do this just to mess with my head.” As I fish the phone out of my purse, he grabs it from my hand and answers tersely, “Colton.”

  He turns away from me so that I can’t hear the other side of the conversation. Reading his tense body language, I catch Aidan’s eye and make a request in sign language, “Take care of him please. I’ll be in the kitchen when he’s ready to talk. He probably needs you guys more than me right now.”

  Walking away is excruciatingly difficult. But I can tell from the expression on Tyler’s face that he is having a difficult time keeping it together and the last thing he needs from me is for me to be a clingy-uncertain emotional parasite. It’s not the most flattering description, but that’s what I’m feeling right now. My first instinct is to get into his face and shout, “You’ve done your duty. You’ve gone far above whatever is expected of you. Let someone else go in your place because you’ve already made enough sacrifices for your country.” I know that that’s not what he needs to he
ar from me right now. So, I need to get some distance and perspective so that I can collect myself and find the right words to say to be the supportive fiancé that I need to be.

  I wipe the tears from my face as I walk back into the kitchen to face Mindy and finish putting the dessert plates together for my best friend’s wedding. I hope Donda used waterproof makeup. I think randomly.

  Mindy looks at me with empathy in her eyes. “It’s bad isn’t it? I just knew it.”

  “Honestly, Mindy Mouse, I just don’t know yet. If I had to guess, I suspect you’re probably right. But, I won’t really know what’s up until Tyler tells me.”

  “But, Uncle Tyler knows you love him, right?” Mindy pushes.

  I chuckle lightly as I respond, “Yes, Little Miss Romance, he knows I love him. I’m wearing an engagement ring.” I flash my shiny ring in front of her so that she can study the beautifully designed diamond surrounded by sapphires and aquamarine stones.

  “Ooh your new ring is very pretty. But I heard Dad tell Mom that he got his other girlfriend a ring too and she still didn’t marry him. Are you sure a ring is enough?”

  I gasp softly. I always forget how insightful and mature Mindy can be. “I hope so. What else am I supposed to do? It’s Tara and Aidan’s wedding day. This isn’t Vegas or anything.”

  Mindy just shakes her head and rolls her eyes at me. “I wish that people would listen to me. I tried to tell you about this earlier. It’s kinda important.”

  “As a matter of fact, you did. So, I’m listening now. What do you suggest?” I ask, wishing that I was still in my casual clothes because I suddenly feel like tearing my hair out by the roots. I walk around the kitchen island and peek out the window. Tyler is still on the phone. This cannot be a good sign.

  As I turn around to face Mindy, she is regarding me thoughtfully and doodling on a piece of paper. “You know that he has to concentrate to make the bad guys go away?”