Joy and Tiers

by Mary Crawford

  Tyler groans and scrubs his hand over his face. “I don’t even want to think about goodbyes.”

  I become bolder as I continue to kiss him and remove his tuxedo shirt. “Then don’t. Tonight, we’re just a regular couple on a sexy honeymoon in a swanky hotel.”

  Tyler kisses my ear lobe and murmurs, “Sounds like a plan to me.” A white hot lick of desire travels to my center. It seems like such an innocuous kiss, but I find it unbelievably sensual. I shift my body to respond to the sensation.

  Tyler takes a harsh breath in my ear as he confesses, “Darlin’, there’s nothing I want more in the world than to continue, but for my own safety, I need to shed this monkey suit.”

  Not for the first time today, I take a moment to admire his large athletic frame highlighted by the lines of the dark tuxedo. “As much as I approve of this look for you, I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself. By all means, make yourself comfortable.”

  “I will, if you will,” he quips with an anticipatory expression on his face.

  “I’ll take you up on that offer.” I declare as I reach behind me to unzip my dress.

  “Let me,” Tyler commands softly. “This is the stuff of fantasy. Stand up Heather.”

  Deciding to go for broke and play up the moment, I walk over to the built in fire-place and turn it on. I stand in front of the mantle and slowly pull the pins from my hair, I shake my curls free.

  There is something deeply satisfying about the way Tyler watches me, transfixed with an expression of unadulterated passion on his face. It’s oddly empowering. I silently walk over to him and turn my back. He kisses the base of my neck and my knees practically buckle as a fresh bolt of heat travels through my body. He pulls the zipper of my dress down. The dress drops to my feet in a pool of rich taffeta and lace. I step out of it, using Ty’s arm for balance.

  His eyes glitter with passion as he studies me. “Are you telling me that I spent two hours dancing with you, when you were wearin’ nothing but this the whole time?”

  I give him a smoldering smirk as I reply, “Is it my fault that you were less than observant?”

  “How was I supposed to know what you were hiding when you were wrapped up so pretty?” he asks, as he nips lightly at my collarbone.

  “Well, for as much as you’ve had your hands on my butt all night, you should have figured that I was wearing a thong. A woman just should not have visible panty-lines.”

  Ty chuckles softly, “I definitely underestimated the perks of dancing all these years.”

  I raise an eyebrow at him, “If you danced with other women like we were dancing tonight, you might have gotten a drink or two thrown in your face. As your wife, I felt free to give you a few liberties.”

  “If I had known this little white scrap of lace and those ‘come-get-me’ shoes were all you were wearing, we would’ve skipped the dancing altogether.”

  “No way! Some traditions are important. You already didn’t get to have a bachelor party and I’m sure that’s one of the things you were looking forward to.”

  “I know you don’t believe this, Gidget. But, my wild, single days are behind me. They have been pretty much from the moment I met you. You are so far above anything I had before, it doesn’t even compare.”

  I fan my face with my hand as I say, “There you go with those panty-melting compliments again. What are we going to do about that?”

  Tyler moves behind me and points out our reflection in the mirror. Watching him touch me brings a whole new level of heat. The sight of my pale breasts spilling from his work-weathered hands is intoxicating. “As a safety officer, I can’t allow you to get hurt, I guess those’ll just have to come off.”

  I arch my back and give a sigh of appreciation as he grazes my nipples with his calloused thumbs. “Yes sir, Officer Colton,” I reply as I step forward to shimmy out of my thong. I look up at the mirror and quip, “I guess I have become a little more receptive to your orders since we first met. Just don’t take advantage of that, okay?”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty open to orders from you right about now. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you,” he responds.

  I tap my chin as if I’m concentrating hard. “Wow, Cowboy! I would think that you’d have learned before now not to present me such a wide open offer, I might just get creative. You’ve lost a few challenges to me before.”

  “See, that’s where you’re wrong. Even if this was some kind of competition, I can’t see any scenario under which I come out the loser. It’s the beauty of being all in. As your husband, I just get to sit back and watch you work your magic.”

  I shake my head. “Not so fast, Cowboy. If we’re going to be issuing orders, they need to be a two-way street. So, if I have to sacrifice my skivvies, so do you.”

  “You don’t have to ask me twice,” Ty says as he shucks his clothes with such speed, it makes me blink with astonishment.

  “What if I was hoping for a slow striptease?” I ask with a teasing lilt.

  “Well, I could always get re-dressed for round two, if it means that much to you,” he magnanimously offers as he pats the bed next to him.

  Suddenly, a case of nerves overtakes me. I feel ridiculous since Ty and I have long ago passed this point in our relationship. But, tonight it feels somehow different—like all my protective barriers are gone and I am left feeling vulnerable and scared. It’s just us now. For the first time since I can remember, I can let go of the fairytale. I no longer have to rely on vague promises of someday finding my Prince charming who will vanquish all my fears and make me feel safe. I don’t have to worry about whether I’ll someday find some mythological story creature. I’m married to Tyler Colton with all of his strengths and weaknesses, fears and triumphs through the good and bad.

  Letting go of someday is going to be a challenge for me. It’s a constant refrain in my life. Someday I’ll meet someone who understands the real me— the one I take great pains to hide. Someday my family will understand wanting to be an individual doesn’t make you evil, it just makes you different. Someday I’ll be brave enough to open the store my grandma and I always planned. Someday I’ll be the type of wife and mother I’ve always admired but never thought I’d actually have the opportunity to become. Today is the start of putting all those somedays behind me and living in the present. I realize how much I have grown over the last couple of years. Being secure in Tyler’s love has had a lot to do with my ability to move forward.

  Tyler catches me staring off into space and says, “Gidget, I know it’s not the same as being at home in the featherbed, but we’ll make it beautiful, I promise.”

  “It’s not it, Ty. I was just having a moment of gratitude and reflecting about how much I’ve changed over the last couple of years. You were a big part of that and I just don’t know how to say thanks.”

  He pulls me closer to him so we are laying face to face. “It’s not just you, Heather. Before you came into my life, I was an angry guy who was just pretending to be the life of the party. You have helped me put a crappy past into perspective and move on. By fighting your battles with such grace and overcoming your fears, you gave me permission to start dealing with the cluster-fuck that happened with my team. Meeting with the support group has been the healthiest thing I’ve done in years. It took having you take care of me first before I realized that I had stopped caring for myself. The guys on my team would have gone ape-shit if they had been around to see what I was doing to myself. It was a terrible way to honor their memories, so the way I figure it, in a way we rescued each other from a life of total BS. We are so much stronger together. I can’t wait to see where life takes us.”

  I lay quietly for a moment just absorbing his words. I tend to think of my contributions to our relationship as pretty benign and a whole lot traditional. I’ve always felt a little out of place among my modern peers. It’s more than just my fashion choices and my car. Sometimes, I feel like I was born at the wrong time. Although I am proud of my accomplishments
as a chef and an entrepreneur, there is a part of me that gets a bigger thrill out of making sure Ty has a nutritious lunch and a hot dinner on the table. When I dated before, I always felt like I had to choose between being a career woman and revealing my domestic side. Tyler makes it effortless for me to do both, so it’s a little stunning for me to hear how much he values what just comes naturally to me.

  Tyler pokes me in my right breast. “Hey Sleepyhead, did I bore you to sleep. I have to admit, I kinda had bigger plans for tonight.”

  “No, I’m not bored. I’m just processing the day,” I admit. I shake my head slightly in an effort to clear out my maudlin thoughts. “But, I think I’ve done enough serious thinking for the day. I can think of more exciting ways to entertain ourselves.”

  “Is that so?” he challenges with a smirk. “Care to share your nefarious plan?”

  I reach down to unbuckle my stilettos and send them flying across the room. I sigh with relief as I flex my arches.

  Tyler’s bottom lip slides out in a mock-pout. “I have to say, I’m a little sad to see those go; they would have dressed up my fantasy nicely.”

  I snicker as I reply, “First, I’m not sure if I think that’s sexy or a tad on the weird side. Secondly, it’s very clear you’ve never worn those stupid things. Because, if you had, you would never equate them with pleasure.”

  “Why do you wear them then?” Ty asks, his brows drawn together in confusion.

  “We wear them so big tough guys like you nearly swallow your tongue when we walk by. Some days it’s even worth the effort when men like you fall under our wiles,” I tease.

  Tyler snorts with laughter. “Oh is that what happened? I could have sworn you fell for my overwhelming charm.”

  “It was overwhelming something, that’s for sure,” I mutter under my breath.

  Ty grabs me from behind, rolls me over on the bed and starts to tickle my ribs. “I’ll show you a whole lotta something, if you don’t stop sassin’.”

  “Okay, Okay,” I plead with tears of laughter streaming down my face. “Will you stop if I promise to use my feminine wiles on you?”

  Immediately throwing his hands in the air, Ty declares, “Hey, I know a good deal when I hear it. Wile away.”

  Taking him by surprise, I push him onto his back and straddle him. “Are you sure you’re up to all this?” I ask as I drop a line of scorching kisses down his chest. “It’s been a long day.”

  “Gidget, no day is that long,” he half moans as his hips buck against mine.

  We were able to hide in our cocoon of lust and desire for nine hours before the real world starts bleeding into our bliss. As corny as this sounds, my wedding night was everything that I hoped it would be even though it was spontaneous. Sometimes, Tyler’s intense focus can be a really, really good thing. Quite simply, the man knows how to pay attention to small details. So, it took a great deal of restraint for me not to conveniently misplace Tyler’s phone when I heard the ringtone he associates with all the numbers tied to his military service.

  I knew from the look on his face our reprieve was over. I try not to resent the fact that I’m on the world’s shortest honeymoon as I’m throwing our belongings into suitcases.

  Tyler yells at me from the bathroom as a pair of shoes makes a decidedly loud bump when it hits the bottom of the suitcase. “Are you okay in there Gidget?”

  “Yeah, I’m just packing,” I respond. “I hope you’re not picky, I’m not as anal-retentive about this stuff as Tara is.”

  Tyler comes out of the bathroom with his toothbrush in his hand as he remarks, “You know what’s cool?”

  I shake my head as I reply sardonically, “I can’t imagine anything being cool at this time of morning.”

  “Don’t you have to get up this early to work at your shop?”

  “That’s just the point. This is my day off. If a girl can’t sleep in on the day after her wedding, I don’t know when she can. But, no, I don’t know what’s cool—” I reply with a fair amount of snark.

  “Wow, you weren’t kidding about the coffee thing, were you?” he quips. “I’m sorry you’re tired. I had planned far more creative ways to wake you up. Anyway, I was just sayin’ that it’s cool we can pack joint suitcases now.”

  I groan and cover my head with the pillow. “Don’t remind me. I still have to figure out what I’m going to do with my place.”

  “Yes, but you don’t have to do it today. That was my CO returning my call. Today, we have to get all of your ID changed to Mrs. Colton because the military has reserved its own tree worth of paperwork to sign before I go. After all, in the eyes of Uncle Sam, we’re not married until we’ve signed everything in triplicate.”

  “Does your CO know you’re on your honeymoon?” I ask, unable to keep the whiney undertone at bay.

  Tyler smiles wryly. “He’s aware, Gidget—and on a personal level he’s extremely sorry about that. But, officially, the Army doesn’t give a rat’s ass about our marital bliss.”

  “I really wish they did. It might get you home to me sooner.”

  “I’ll do my best, but I’m not really in charge of scheduling the war.”

  The look of frustration on Ty’s face makes me immediately regret my words. I feel like such a shrew. “I’m sorry. This is harder than I thought it would be. I was thinking that I would be able to think about your deployment like one big long undercover assignment. But, my mind and heart know better. So, I’m having a mini-meltdown. I understand that you have to go, I just wish you didn’t have to.”

  “As much as I’ve been waiting to even the score, it’s much harder for me to leave this time. You have become as important to me as the air I breathe and I’m not looking forward to figuring out how to function again without you by my side.”

  “Ditto, Cowboy. Ditto”

  Our last hours together flew by as if they were seconds on a stopwatch. I wanted to yell at the universe to simply stop time. It seemed like we were putting out one fire after another. Some of them were literal fires. One of the vents at the shop kitchen developed a short and started a small fire. Piper apologized profusely, but felt she needed to get me involved when the police started asking her questions about the business she simply couldn’t answer. The rest of the stuff we dealt with was much more mundane but frightening nonetheless. None of this was new to Tyler because he’s been deployed several times. But, signing the paperwork naming me as beneficiary in the event he’s not able to come home really brought things into focus. This was not the way I had hoped to spend my honeymoon, but sometimes, life happens.

  We were mentally and physically exhausted by the time we climbed into his giant featherbed. I don’t even know if I can describe last night. It was a celebration of all we’ve become but an acknowledgment of what we’ll be missing. It’s difficult to feel so cherished and completely bereft at the same time.

  As soon as I wake up, I realize something is not right as the sun hits my face. Tyler was supposed to set the alarm to some ungodly early hour. Yet, the house is completely silent except for Ethel’s snoring. I reach out to pet her and encounter something attached to her collar.

  Fighting the sinking feeling in my stomach and blinking back tears, I open the card. I have to catch my breath when I read the front of the card. It’s a Bugs Bunny card that says, “Miss you already.”

  I spring off the bed and run downstairs as I frantically look for Tyler. No! It’s simply not possible. He would not have done this to me. Could not. Should not. Yet, even as I fight the bile in the back of my throat, I cannot escape the conclusion that he did.

  White hot anger courses through my body as I try to understand what’s happening. Why did he make all those promises to me if he just planned to leave me high and dry? This is my worst nightmare. I start to sob gut-wrenching sobs. Ethel and Annie come rushing in to check on me. As I see the empty envelope hanging from Esther’s collar, I remember the card I left lying on the bed. In seeming slow motion, I creep back up the stairs and crawl in
bed.

  As I pick up the card, I’m having a huge debate with myself about whether I want to know what’s inside of the kitschy little card. I feel paralyzed with indecision. The minutes tick by as I sit in the middle of the bed waiting for my dreams to shatter.

  The sound of my cell phone pierces through my private pity party. If it was anybody else, I would’ve just ignored it. But, it’s Tara. Knowing she’s on the road with the crazy paparazzi and reporters following her every move, I know I have to answer the call.

  “Hello,” I say through tears, blowing my nose on a paper towel.

  “So, now you know,” Tara states without basic pleasantries. “You know my policy and I hope this makes sense to you, because without context, I have no idea what this means.”

  I can tell Tara is reluctant to divulge more. Finally, after a bit she continues, “I guess I wouldn’t be interfering with fate if I told you to look right in front of you before you make any big decisions.”

  “Wait! What does that even mean?” I demand.

  Tara sighs as she wearily responds, “I’m sorry Heather, I’ve done all I can. You have to determine that on your own.”

  “Can I just say, sometimes your so-called gift sucks?”

  Tara chuckles wryly. “Tell me about it. You’re preaching to the choir, but someday you’ll thank me, I promise.”

  “It’s a good thing you’re my best friend because I could really hate you right now,” I threaten.

  “I know.” Tara concedes. “But, lucky for me, I already know you won’t stay mad forever. Call me when you have this sorted out, okay?”

  “We’ll see,” I answer with a glower in my voice.

  After I hang up a new wave of tears hits. It’s going to be impossible to be around my friends now. Everyone is so flippin’ in love. Why can’t it ever work for me? I flop back on the bed and my hand brushes the card from Tyler. Could it really be that simple? It is right in front of me—