Dearest Clementine

by Lex Martin

  “I’m sorry, honey. Our parents are fucked up,” Daren says, pulling me into another giant hug. Shit. Why does he keep hugging me? Then he whispers in my ear, “But I love your name.” Again, I keep my hands by my side until he lets go. “It’s great to see you.” With a smile, he walks away.

  I can’t catch my breath because Gavin immediately grabs me. “We need to talk.”

  I yank my arm away. “No shit.”

  * * *

  Before he can touch me again, I spin on my heel, walking down the stands in the opposite direction from Daren. My friends are a blur as I move past them, my heart in my throat as all the things I’ve wanted to say come rushing back to me.

  I trudge through the parking lot, stopping next to the visiting team’s bus. When I turn around, Gavin stops several feet away from me. His head is down and his hands are on his hips. He starts to say something but stops. Raking his fingers through his hair, he exhales. “I don’t know where to begin.”

  He still doesn’t make eye contact, which is so unlike him. Gavin has always been about being direct and bold. The difference in his demeanor doesn’t sit well with me. Now that the shock of seeing Daren is starting to wear off, I’m remembering all the details Gavin has been less than forthcoming about this week.

  “What’s going on with you and Daren?” he finally asks, looking almost hurt.

  My head jerks back in surprise. “Really?” I press my temple with my thumb as I try to stave off a headache. “I haven’t seen him in three years. That brief conversation is the totality of what we’ve said during all of that time. I don’t see what possibly could be confusing.”

  Gavin looks at me like I’m lying. What the fuck?

  “He calls you Emmie.”

  “Was that a question?” I want to rain down accusations about his whereabouts for the last week, and he wants to talk about Daren. “When we were little, he couldn’t say my name. He and Jax called me Chlamydia a few times if that makes you feel better.”

  I wasn’t trying to be funny, but the corner of his mouth lifts up slightly before his brows furrow again.

  He closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them, he takes a step closer. “Look, I should apologize for this week.”

  For what? For lying? For blowing me off?

  His usual easygoing manner is gone, replaced with tension and fatigue. Dark circles shadow his eyes. My stomach clenches nervously. Where did my Gavin go? The reality that his lies will hurt more than I can bear right now becomes abundantly clear.

  I inhale, bracing myself.

  “I’m going to make this easy for you. I don’t do well with lies, so I’m not going to ask you what was so important that you had to sneak around and do it behind my back.” I once broke my mother’s Tiffany crystal jewelry box. When it shattered, pieces of glass went everywhere, standing up at odd angles, and each time I reached for a piece, I cut myself. Breaking up with Gavin will leave me injured, but it’s better than a singular fatal cut. “I told you I’m not an easy girl to date, and we’re obviously in different places, so—”

  “You haven’t heard me out.” He grabs my shoulders gently. “I know this is going to sound crazy, but I need you to trust me. I need time to sort through something.”

  I must have a sign on my forehead that says sucker. My face twists in disbelief. “You want me to trust you?”

  “Yes, I promise I’ll explain everything. I just… I need a little more time.”

  He needs time? To do what, get his story straight? To come up with a believable lie? To find someone who will back up his bullshit? I think I can feel my heart breaking. You were supposed to be different.

  “So I’m supposed to believe that sometime in the near future, you’re going to give me the real reason you blew me off this week and went to Rhode Island without mentioning it to me?”

  “Yes,” he says without hesitation. In his eyes, I see a mixture of both longing and regret, but he doesn’t look away or otherwise indicate that he’s lying. My mouth is dry. His response to what I say next is crucial.

  My heart thunders in my chest.

  “Will this explanation include why you didn’t mention Angelique is your editor on the newspaper and why you were with her on Tuesday when we were supposed to be having dinner?”

  His eyes dart to the ground, his arms dropping to his sides, and with that, my heart sinks.

  “No? Okay, how about this one. Did you go to Rhode Island with Angelique?”

  Gavin finally looks at me. “Jesus, Clementine.” He lets out a cold, humorless laugh. “What’d you do? A background check on me?”

  Thank you, Gavin. That’s what I needed to let go. “Fuck you.” I brush past him, my feet crunching on the pebbles beneath me. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot.

  “Wait. Damn it. Don’t go.” He grabs my elbow, and I jerk away, whirling around to face him.

  “You’re a dick. I stopped by the newspaper office because I missed you, not to dig up all this shit.” My heart is pounding, and I want to throw up. “You told me you’d never let anyone hurt me, but guess what? You’ve hurt me. Now leave me alone.”

  Heat is welling in my eyes. I blink it back, looking away, wishing I could disappear.

  “Baby, really, it’s not like that. There’s nothing going on with Angelique.” I turn to look at him, and the plaintive expression on his face tears at me. “I do a lot of stupid shit—I work too much and get preoccupied and neglect my gorgeous girlfriend—but I am not sleeping around behind your back. I swear.”

  A lump rises in my throat. “If that’s true… tell me what’s going on.”

  He groans. “Fuck. I can’t, but I promise I’m not cheating on you.”

  “Goodbye, Gavin.” I try to walk past him, but he steps in front of me.

  “Clementine,” he says, putting both hands on my shoulders. “What… what would it take for you to wait?”

  My eyes are glued to our feet. I’m wearing a beat-up pair of blue Converse, and he’s wearing a black pair of hiking boots. At times like this, I always notice something mundane. When I broke up with Daren, his right shoelace was untied.

  “I don’t know that I—”

  “Please. What can I do to prove myself to you? That I’m not some giant asshole?”

  Any other time, that would make me laugh. But not today. His hands run down my arms, and for a second I remember our nights together, our limbs tangled in the dark, and despite everything that’s happened this week, I want to hold on to him. Somewhere in my chest, he’s left an indelible mark, a traitorous piece of me I can’t get back.

  “Tell me something that’s true.” My voice comes out barely a whisper. I’m not even sure I’ve spoken at all.

  Gavin leans down to get me to look at him and then pulls me tighter. I can smell his skin and clothes, and I can barely stand being so close to him. “I remember you freshman year, the way you came to that first class a few minutes late and sat by the window and stared outside like you had the weight of the world on your small shoulders.” His hand runs up the back of my neck, and he grips me closer. “You were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. You have always mesmerized me.” His voice is raspy but reverberates with a kind of conviction that makes me shiver.

  My heart is beating erratically, and if I weren’t so mad at him, I’m almost certain I’d be in love. I frown, shaking my head, before I lean up on my toes and kiss him softly. It’s quick, but I do it before I can stop myself. As I back away, one solitary tear escapes.

  “Gavin, I can’t be with you until this gets resolved, until I know everything. Come back to me when you’re ready.”

  That’s the best I can do.

  * * *

  My roommates don’t say anything as we get in the car and start the drive home. The afternoon keeps replaying in my mind over and over again.

  When we get to a light, Jenna, who’s driving, turns to look at me. She’s so preoccupied staring at me that she doesn’t notice the light has changed until the driver beh
ind us honks. She shoots him the finger.

  Reaching for the radio, I say, “I never realized you had such anger issues, Jenna. That’s refreshing.”

  “There you are. I was wondering who had stolen my roommate and replaced her with magnet girl.”

  “Magnet girl?”

  “Yeah, you attract the hottest guys on the planet and then do your best to blow them off or otherwise ignore them. It’s a special power. I’ve never seen it before. You need a cape and maybe some tights.” She shakes her head. “Daren Sloan.” Then she whistles.

  The desire to cry has subsided, and I’m numb. “You know my history with Daren, so it’s not like I’m going to leap for joy to see him. But he looked good. He always looks good.” I bite my lip, irritated to be talking about my ex when thoughts about Gavin and Angelique plague me.

  “He is one sexy man, Clem,” Dani says as she pops her head between our headrests. She looks like she wants to say something else but doesn’t.

  Jenna cuts off another driver and then glances at me. “Daren is hot, but Gavin is more rugged-looking, and I think that’s sexier.” When she checks her rearview mirror, she frowns. “You haven’t seen Daren since high school, right? Even though he and Jax are BFFs?” I nod, certain Jenna is paying close attention because this is her thing, being a matchmaker and getting into everyone’s business without invitation. “How did Daren act so casual? He didn’t seem fazed that he screwed around behind your back and the screwee, Veronica, was right there today, twenty feet away.”

  “That’s rich-guy syndrome. He only feels bad for about fifteen seconds before his life resumes as though his influence in my world didn’t tilt everything on the wrong axis.”

  Jenna’s eyebrows raise briefly in acceptance before her head tilts toward me.

  “Okay, so please explain why Gavin looked like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like he was ready to walk through a burning building for you.”

  Blinking back the heat in my eyes, I roll down the window, hoping the cold air will help me calm down.

  “We’re taking a break.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “We’re taking a break.”

  My head jerks so hard, for a second I think we’ve been hit by a car. It isn’t until Jenna pulls up the handbrake that I realize she’s driven over to the side of the road deliberately.

  “Back the fuck up and tell me what happened,” she says, twisting in her seat to face me. Dani, who had tumbled backwards when Jenna pulled her guerrilla driving maneuver, tugs herself back up to re-join the conversation.

  I shake my head, annoyed that I opened myself up to this. With a sigh, I recount the last week, starting with meeting Angelique at breakfast last Saturday and ending with my argument with Gavin in the parking lot. When I’m done, Jenna smacks the steering wheel with her fist.

  “You can’t take a break,” Jenna says as though she hasn’t heard what I’ve been saying.

  “She’s right.” Dani nods. “You’ll end up with a Ross and Rachel situation.”

  My eyebrows quirk up.

  “Like on Friends.” Dani says it like a question. “Rachel wanted a break, and Ross ended up sleeping with another girl because he didn’t technically have a girlfriend, but Rachel felt like he cheated on her. Breaks are always bad.”

  Jenna looks back and forth between Dani and me. “I think I love you, Dani. I couldn’t have said it any better.”

  It takes me a second to be able to talk because the last thing I want to think of is Gavin sleeping with someone else.

  “Look, if Gavin hooks up with another girl right now, there’s nothing I can do about it. I just can’t be obsessing over what he’s keeping from me. That shit makes me mental because of what happened between Daren and Veronica.” I start peeling the paint on my t-shirt. “This is going to sound crazy, but I don’t think he’d cheat on me.”

  Fuck. I sound crazy, even to myself.

  Jenna scoffs. “But isn’t that why you’re on this ridiculous break? Because you think he’s sneaking around with another girl?”

  “Yes, I mean no. Yes, I’m afraid that Angelique is making the moves on him, but this is about him not being honest with me. This is about principle.”

  “Your principled ass is going to lose your boyfriend and send him running into the arms of that bitch,” Jenna says, shaking her head again. “Unless, of course, you’re sabotaging yourself because you really want Daren back.”

  I laugh mirthlessly. “Daren and I are so over.”

  “That’s what Rachel said about Ross,” Dani says, “and then they had a baby.”

  “Dani, shut up. My life is not a sitcom.”

  Dani looks nonplussed, and Jenna is grinning proudly at her little protégée.

  “Can we go home now?” I ask, wanting to crawl into a hole, preferably a dark one with an endless supply of ice cream.

  “On one condition.” Jenna grips the steering wheel and waits for me to answer.

  I blow a strand of hair out of my face. “I’m not going to send Gavin any sexts, so you can take that off the table right now.”

  She snorts. “God, you know me well. Okay, sexting aside, you have to come to his show with me next weekend because there are going to be, like, fifty girls dying to get in that boy’s pants, and you need to be there to claim your territory, break or no break.”

  Ugh. She’s right. Gavin is only human, and I’ve seen the groupies who come to their shows, bouncing their silicon boobs all over the place. It’s why Jenna has never missed one since she started dating Ryan. It’s why she can Out-skank anyone via text. It’s why the things she shouts when they’re together make me blush. She aims to keep her guy happy. I gotta say it’s smart.

  “Fine. I’ll go. But don’t ask me to flash him on stage or wear edible underwear or dance on the bar.”

  “Omigod. Edible underwear! I might have a pair of those somewhere.”

  -

  22 -

  Diving into work for the rest of the weekend is the best distraction, but as soon as I’m back in my room Sunday evening, I’m weepy and morose. I’ve thrown out Gavin’s dying roses, but I swear the scent clings to everything—my comforter, my clothes, my robe. I can’t escape him. I miss him so much it’s hard to breathe, but I won’t let myself give in. When I can’t take it any longer, I cry into my pillow until I fall asleep.

  Monday isn’t much better. In between classes, I volunteer in the tutoring center, which I’m hoping will help me focus on someone else for a while, but it’s empty, so I end up with extra time on my hands to wallow.

  Kade stops by briefly to check his schedule, and part of me waits for him to revert to his old asshole ways, but he’s surprisingly soft-spoken.

  “I have some new flyers to put up. If you have the time.” The expression on his face breaks my heart, and I want to give him a hug, but that would be weird.

  “I’ll make the time. Is it okay if I do it over the next couple of days?”

  “Yeah. That would be great.” He hands me a stack of neon copies with a sad smile.

  The last article Gavin wrote said police found Olivia’s cell phone on the T, but authorities haven’t been able to get any useful information from it yet.

  Kade’s eyebrows pinch.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Olivia’s sister Norah wonders if she was stopping off to see some guy she just met.”

  I see the jealousy in his face.

  “Wouldn’t Olivia’s phone records have that evidence?”

  “That’s what’s so weird. Norah said her sister was talking to some guy on the phone, but her phone records don’t show any unusual numbers. Livvy had just gotten home, and they hadn’t had time to catch up yet when this happened, so she doesn’t have anything concrete.”

  I think about the dozens of calls I’ve gotten lately from an unknown number, and my skin prickles. I never answer, and the caller never leaves a message.

  “Kade, what if she had a second phone
? Maybe a disposable one? I had a friend once who bought a cheap cell while she was in Italy because she was paranoid someone would steal her iPhone.”

  “I guess that’s possible.” His eyebrows furrow.

  “Hey, you don’t know for sure that she was seeing anyone. Don’t make yourself crazy thinking about something that might not have happened.”

  Jeez. That’s good advice, Clementine.

  He gives me a tight smile and rubs his forehead. “I just don’t understand why we haven’t learned anything yet.”

  “No news might be good news. They could still find her.” I don’t know what possesses me to say this because the odds are against any kind of positive outcome, but something deep inside me wants to believe it’s possible.

  “Thanks, Clem. I needed to hear that.” On his way out, he leans down to hug me, and I wonder if being friends with Kade is a sign of a zombie apocalypse.

  When I get home a few hours later, I throw on some comfy sweats and, fighting the urge to mope in my room, wander out into the living room and collapse on the couch.

  “It’s the birth control pills,” Jenna says as she throws me a piece of chocolate. “The reason you look like you want to cry. It’s the hormones. You’ll get used to it. Eat something decadent to take the edge off.”

  Or it could be that I essentially broke up with my boyfriend. I peel off the aluminum wrapper and toss it at her.

  “I’m afraid to ask, but how do you know I started taking birth control?” This girl should work for the CIA or NSA or some agency that specializes in classified secrets.

  “Last week you said you had an appointment at the clinic, and you weren’t sick, and the only other reason girls go there is for birth control. It’s elementary, Watson.”

  “Who’s on birth control?” Harper asks as she cuts through the living room.

  “Goldilocks here,” Jenna says, pointing to me.

  “Oh, are you and Gavin doing the dirty?” Harper stops mid-step. She’s been spending a lot of time at her boyfriend’s lately, so I haven’t had a chance to fill her in on what happened this weekend.