Sex God

by J. a Melville

  “I’m sorry.” I tried again.

  She made some sound in her throat as she looked at me. “I knew not to expect more than a night with you but I never expected to be hit and I never expected to be thrown from your home the way you did. You were so cold and cruel Shay. Strangely it’s the way you spoke to me that hurts the most. Sure being hit hurts and being choked frightened the hell out of me but the look in your eyes-“ she paused for a moment, pain flashing in hers, “You made me feel so cheap, so used.”

  The anger on her face combined with the tears welling in her eyes caused my heart to slam heavily in my chest. I’d hurt her so much and I deserved her wrath but I hated to see her tears. She shouldn’t be crying. She shouldn’t waste a single tear on me. I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worthy of her. She had every right to slay me with words. To crucify me with her anger. I’d hurt her. I’d attacked her at a vulnerable time. It was only fitting that she tear me to shreds for what I’d done to her.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I can handle your anger but don’t waste your te-“ The words died in my throat when she tilted her head up and for the first time I noticed her neck. “Oh my fucking god.” I leaned in closer and my fingers shifted to the delicate skin there. My eyes moved over her. They had to be playing tricks on me surely? I didn’t want to believe that what I was seeing was something I was responsible for.

  Around her neck was the impression of a hand. I could clearly see the start of bruising in the shape of fingers and I knew that they could only be my fingers. What the fuck had I done? What the hell happened? Why didn’t she tell me what I’d done to her? I could have killed her. At that moment Leo’s words came back to haunt me when he’d hit me. He’d mentioned the word ‘choke’ but in the middle of his hostility I thought he’d used the word as more of a euphemism. For Lyla to be as bruised as she was, meant I’d obviously applied a lot of pressure to her neck and prolonged pressure.

  What the fuck had I done? How could I have done this? How could I have hurt her this way? I’d gone crazy when I woke up and realised she’d spent the night. I completely flipped out and I cringed thinking about how I’d spoken to her. I’d been so focused on evicting her from my home I hadn’t noticed that she was upset and I sure as hell hadn’t noticed any reddening of her skin to indicate she’d been hurt. She’d said nothing about what I’d done to her either but it was possible with the way I’d treated her that she just wanted to get as far away from me as possible. I blanched at the thought she might have actually been fearful of me. Not that I could blame her if that was the case.

  Fighting a return of the nausea that caused my stomach to roll I knew I had to try and explain to her. Not everything. I could never reveal why I had the dreams I had. I had to try and make her understand I wasn’t normally a violent person, but in my sleep I had no control over what I did. I didn’t beat up women. I had never knowingly laid a hand on one and knowing I’d hurt someone as beautiful and giving as Lyla made this whole situation worse.

  “Lyla, fuck. Oh hell. What did I do to you? Please tell me. I…I have nightmares sometimes and…and I…sometimes I…well I do things. I don’t know what I’m doing. I act them out…in my sleep.” I tripped over the words, my heart hammering violently in my chest. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. I should have taken you home. I’m sorry.” My voice dropped away to a whisper.

  She was silent for a moment her eyes searching mine and finally I felt her body relax a little. “I woke up when your fist hit me in the face Shay. I was so shocked. I sat up and moved as far away from you as I could. I saw you were still asleep but you were so restless. You kept moving around. Your arms and legs were flailing about as if you were doing battle in your sleep. It wasn’t just that though. You started to yell and the sounds you made, the look on your face…” She trailed off, her eyes searching mine. “You looked so tormented and I couldn’t leave you like that. I had to wake you but I was scared of getting too close in case you hit me again.”

  I froze at her words. “I was talking? What did I say?”

  She stared at me wide eyed. “Does it really matter? I don’t know. Something about it hurting and wanting it to stop. You yelled ‘no, no, no’ a lot too.”

  My jaw tightened and there was a pounding in my head in time to the frantic beating of my heart. Fuck, fuck, I’d said enough in my sleep to probably have her curious. Either that or she’d think I was unstable or something.

  “When did I do that?” I pointed to the handprint around her throat and I could see my hand was shaking.

  “I tried to wake you. You seem so distressed Shay. I didn’t want you to suffer any longer but-“ she stopped, taking a shaky breath, “you were so quick. You rolled over and your hand was around my throat and I couldn’t breathe. It happened before I could react.” A sob broke free from her. “I was so scared. I couldn’t get you to let me go and you wouldn’t wake up. I had to kick you and kick you. Fortunately you lifted your hand enough that I was able to roll away from you. Then you woke up and…and…” She trailed off.

  I closed my eyes, my head tilting back. I didn’t need her to say anymore. I knew exactly what had happened after that. I’d nearly fucking choking her to death and as soon as I’d woken up I’d flipped out and laid into her verbally. Fuck, I was an asshole. No wonder she’d been as keen to get out of my house as I’d acted to get her out. I deserved the fist to the face I’d received from her brother, and anything Lyla chose to do or say to me would be justified as well.

  I couldn’t leave her though without trying to get her to forgive me for hurting her. I was an ass to women. I knew that. I might be referred to as the Sex God which gave it a classier sound but at the end of the day, I just used women for sex. They all knew the score though. I fucked them but I was never abusive to them. I’d never hit one so knowing I’d hurt Lyla even though I’d been asleep at the time didn’t sit well with me at all. I needed her to forgive me so I could leave her and not be plagued by constant guilt. Seeing what I was capable of made me realise even more how important it was that I stay the hell out of her life. I was no good to her. I was no good to anyone.

  Shifting closer to her, my hands came up to cup her cheeks. Gently, reverently, I let my fingers drift over her soft skin and I trailed the lightest touch across her reddened cheek. My stomach knotted again at the sight of the swelling around the blue eye that looked up at me. I kept going, down to her jaw, across her lower lip, and down to her neck. Keeping my touch feather light on her, I traced the bruising that marred her throat and again, I felt sick at the realisation I could have killed her.

  All the time I touched her she didn’t try to pull away. If anything, I could hear her breathing hitch and when I shifted my focus from her neck to her eyes I could see her pupils had dilated. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of her. Despite what I’d done, how much I’d hurt her and marked her in despicable ways, I could still arouse her. Somehow in the midst of the abuse she’d suffered because of me, part of her, still wanted me.

  Knowing she was becoming aroused had an instant effect on me. My jeans were suddenly too tight as I began to harden. That surprised me. I didn’t double dip when it came to women. The trouble was my dick wasn’t getting the memo on that one. We both wanted her. It didn’t matter. I really didn’t go with repeat performances with women and Lyla couldn’t be my exception.

  I could kiss her though. Just a little taste. Just one final taste of her sweet lips and then I’d go. Slowly, not wanting to startle her in anyway, I leaned forward. When she didn’t pull away, I closed the gap and my lips took possession of hers. The moment I let mine touch hers I knew I’d made a mistake. She sighed and I fought to suppress the groan that immediately worked its way up my throat.

  Her breath mingled with mine and I tasted mint and her, and everything that had tempted me the first time. I knew I should pull away but it wasn’t enough. Needing more, I deepened the kiss and her lips parted. As she let me into he
r mouth my hands came up burrowing their way into her hair. My fingers tangled in her silvery strands, dragging her closer and I forced her mouth open, my tongue thrusting its way inside. The moment our tongues met, I knew I was screwed.

  I kissed her like I was kissing her for the first time. I kissed her as if tasting her for the first time and I kissed her with a growing passion I never expected to feel again. I kissed her like I was starving. I kissed her like I couldn’t get enough and as my excitement grew, I feared I would push her too hard, too fast and frighten her, given what I’d done to her. In an effort to not overwhelm her, I forced myself to ease off, my lips going from demanding to soothing and from passionate to teasing.

  I don’t know how long we kissed. It felt like a moment but it could have been a lifetime. This woman was everything a man could want and she was everything that terrified me. She knew what I was capable of. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I shouldn’t be kissing her. I shouldn’t be desperate to be inside her again, but I was. I should be running out that damn door as fast as I could, but I wasn’t.

  She was like a siren, drawing me in and I had no idea if I would survive the experience. Finally I managed to lift my head, dragging my lips from hers. It wasn’t so much because I wanted to but because I needed to. I needed air. I needed to get my breathing back under control and as my eyes opened again and focused on her, I could see she was struggling to get her breath back too.

  Her lashes fluttered and the full impact of her baby blue eyes glazed with lust landed on me. So much emotion swirled in them. Confusion, passion and vulnerability. I knew I should pull back. I knew I should leave. She deserved so much better than me. I could never be what she wanted. I could never be that to any woman for that matter. I’d only end up hurting her.

  Lyla’s lips parted and she licked her lower lip, painting it with moisture and my dick twitched as my eyes followed the movement. This woman was going to be the death of me. Did she even know how desirable she was? How much she tempted and teased me? I don’t really think she did. I couldn’t give into temptation though. It would be wrong. It would be unfair and it would go against everything in me.

  She cleared her throat and winced slightly and instantly I felt shame over what I’d done to her. She was hurting because of me. Any pleasure I gave her last night. Any enjoyment she’d had from the sex was gone, overshadowed by the pain I’d left her with. Again she cleared her throat and this time I don’t think it hurt her.

  Her eyes met mine and she stared at me. Her gaze was intense. I felt like she was looking inside me, trying to figure me out. She was wasting her time. She would never know what was inside me. She would never understand me. No one would. Her eyes moved over me, each sweep of her eyes on my face like probes and I knew she was trying to read me.

  When she finally opened her mouth and spoke, her voice husky, I never expected the words that came out of her mouth. I hadn’t allowed for them, so I couldn’t prepare for them. They took me completely by surprise. They were six words. Six little words that sent my heart spiralling down into my stomach: “I want you to fuck me.”

  I closed my eyes as if by closing them I might somehow convince myself she’d never uttered those words. It didn’t work. Her words still echoed inside my head. She wanted me to fuck her. After damn near choking her and hurting her, she still wanted me.

  I couldn’t do what she asked though. I didn’t have sex with the same woman twice. Anything more than one night could be misinterpreted. I couldn’t have sex with Lyla. Not again. She was too good for me. I’d hurt her.

  “It’s alright. I shouldn’t have said that. Of course you won’t fuck me. You wouldn’t want to anyway. That would not be in keeping with your one night pattern. I’m sorry.” Lyla’s softly spoken words dragged my focus back to her. Hearing the uncertainty in her voice made me uncomfortable. I did this to her. A beautiful woman like her shouldn’t feel like she wasn’t desirable. I should never have asked her home with me. I should never have brought her back to my real home. I’d complicated things. She was wrong for thinking I didn’t want her though.

  She went to stand up and I knew I couldn’t let her walk away. My hand snaked out and I grabbed her hand before she could get to her feet. The action made her tumble back down onto the bed and before she could right herself, I took her hand and pulled it towards me. Spreading her fingers until her palm was exposed, I pressed it down against the zipper of my jeans.

  “Does that feel like I don’t want to fuck you Lyla?” I lowered my head again to drop feather light kisses over her cheek where I’d hit her. “God, I can’t fuck you. I’ve hurt you. I don’t deserve to be in the same room as you. It has nothing to do with not desiring you, trust me.”

  It was her turn to kiss me, her lips soft against my cheek. “I want you to make love to me Shay, right here, right now.”

  I searched her face for something, anything to give me reason to turn her down but I saw nothing other than a mix of her desire and a vulnerability that I knew I was responsible for putting there. Her words caused my stomach to twist. She wanted me to make love to her but I couldn’t. I didn’t make love. I fucked. To me, making love implied that one had to be in love and I didn’t do love. I didn’t bring emotions into sex. I wasn’t going to love anyone: ever.

  “What do you want from me Lyla? What do you expect?” I asked again, my eyes trained on hers. I needed to know what she wanted from me. What she really wanted.

  “I want you to fuck me Shay. After this morning and what happened I just…I don’t want that to be my final memory. Last night was…it was…incredible.” She raised tentative eyes to mine. “I always knew there would never be more than one night. You’ve made that perfectly clear. But this morning you hurt me. I’m not talking about hitting me and near choking me. You were asleep but you were awful to me when you woke and I felt like a whore. You made me feel like I was nothing, worthless.” I saw the glaze of tears in her eyes and my heart kicked in my chest. “You can stop panicking. I’m not expecting happily ever after. Call this one for the road. Something to cancel out this morning. Can’t you simply put your cock inside me and give me one final orgasm?” She whispered and I swear I nearly shot my load in my jeans hearing those words pass her lips. How could this beautiful woman exude such innocence and yet sexiness all at the same time?

  “Well, how can I say no to that?” I growled, bending my head to kiss her again.

  “I want to be on top. I think that’s only fair given what you did to me. Are you prepared to get under me?” There was a challenging gleam in Lyla’s eyes and I had to work hard not to smile at her attempt to ‘top’ me.

  “I don’t normally submit sexy girl.” I warned her. The truth was I never submitted. I was always the one in control. I needed that.

  “Ok Shay.” She lowered her eyes and mine narrowed as I stared at her. She was looking every bit the good little submissive right now, but I wasn’t buying it. “Thank you for coming to see me, I accept your apology and goodbye.” She said, her eyes lifting to mine again and this time I had to struggle not to burst out laughing. Yeah, scratch being submissive, she was trying to manipulate me.

  There was none of that vulnerability showing in her eyes now and she sure wasn’t as sweet as she made out. Clearly I was being challenged. She wanted me to give up some control to her or I could go home. I was tempted to call her bluff and I was sure she was bluffing. If I stood up and made a move to leave, would she let me go? The problem was despite it going against everything in me, I wanted her. I was hard for her still. Normally after sex I lost all interest in the woman but Lyla was different. A good reason to hightail it out of her room and the apartment but I found myself strangely compelled to give her what she wanted this time.

  I knew my cock would be in agreement with my decision. It was throbbing painfully in my jeans and clearly wanted to come out and play. I stared into her eyes and watched as her brow shot up and her lips straightened. She was waiting for me to respond. I would a
llow her on top this time but I wanted something in return. Something to show she wasn’t getting everything her way.

  Lyla would never understand how hard it was for me to give her this. It might seem nothing to agree to be on the bottom during sex but I was used to being the one in charge: always. I needed that control because anything other than being in control left me feeling unsettled, panicked and vulnerable. I hated to feel that way but I couldn’t explain that to her. She would never understand and she would want to know why, and I couldn’t answer her. This was a big sacrifice for me.

  “Very well. You can be on top but I want you to do something for me. I want to watch you take off your clothes. Strip for me.”

  I thought she might argue with me so I was surprised when she stood and immediately began to remove her clothes. I could only chuckle quietly when she didn’t make it a seductive move but instead ripped her dress off over her head and shed her panties, tossing them to the floor before walking to me.

  “I’m naked. Get on the bed.”

  I fought not to grin at her attempt to boss me around. She was quite endearing when she was like this. ‘Adorable,’ the word popped into my head and I squashed it back down. I couldn’t have thoughts like that about her. We’d fuck and I’d leave, and that would be it between us.

  Turning my attention back to her, I looked down at myself. “What? Fully dressed?”

  Lyla straightened, her chin rising and I bit my tongue so I wouldn’t laugh at her. “Strip for me.” She threw my words back at me and hiding my smile I did as she demanded and began to remove my clothes.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lyla

  Watching Shay removing his clothes left me breathless. With every inch of skin, bone and muscle he revealed, I felt myself growing wetter. The man was a work of art. I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone that looked like him before. He was perfection in the physical form but so messed up emotionally. It hurt my heart to wonder what had happened to him that he was plagued with such awful dreams while asleep.