“You’re a fool Shay.” She choked out. “Guess I’m a fool too. Well you’ve made my decision much easier I guess. I don’t need you anyway.” She turned away, walking from my bedroom.
I trailed after her, watching her movements as she gathered up the last of her things. My heart felt like it was splintering in my chest, seeing her pain and knowing I was responsible. Still, it was better this way. She might claim to love me but if the truth ever came out, she would end up hating me. All my life my father had reminded me what would happen if my secrets were ever revealed. I was bad, unlovable and if anyone ever realised what I’d done, the love they claimed to feel for me, would die. If Lyla ever knew the whole truth, she wouldn’t be declaring her love anymore. That was one of the reasons I had to let her go. If that day came where she looked at me with disgust and pity, I knew it would be the day I would give up on living.
Finally she seemed to have all she’d been looking for and I watched her, keeping myself upright, rigid, waiting, needing her to leave. She stormed across to the front door, wrenching it open and stepping outside. I thought she was just going to close it without looking back but she turned, her eyes meeting mine. Seeing the total devastation ravaging her face made me clench my teeth hard together so I wouldn’t crack and go to her.
“Get help Shay. You don’t want to die a lonely old man. Whoever raped you – it wasn’t your fault.” She gutted me with those words before turning and slamming the door behind her, leaving me alone.
I heard the sound of her footsteps along the path to her car but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move, paralysed by her parting comment. She knew. A part of me already knew that she’d worked out some of my secret. She’d figured out part of my past. What she thought she knew, was only a small piece of the whole fucked up puzzle though. It was the remaining pieces I couldn’t risk her finding out. Giving her up was preferable to her ever learning the truth. Even if that meant I’d never see her again.
I heard her car engine start up and rev as it pulled away and when the crushing sound of silence closed around me, I dropped to the floor and curled up in a ball, tears rolling down my face. I’d turned her away. I’d pushed away the only person who had shown any real concern for me. The only person who had put themselves out to take care of me. The only person who had ever claimed to love me other than my mother.
Lyla
Two months later
“Are you ever going to give me a name sis so I know whose head to beat in?” Leo shot me a frustrated look as his eyes roamed from my face to the gentle curve of my stomach.
“There’s nothing to tell.” I told him.
He rolled his eyes dramatically at me. “Don’t try and convince me you’re not up the duff Lyla. I can see you are. It’s not that obvious yet but you have always had a dead flat stomach and now you don’t. You’re weepy all the time. You sit and stare off into space a lot and you look so sad. The bastard hurt you didn’t he? Just give me a name. Does he know he’s going to be a father?”
I shook my head. “No and I have no intention of telling him. It was just one of those things. A moment of madness. A failed condom. It’s my business. It was a one night stand Leo.” I tried to smile as I lied through my teeth to him.
“Geez Lyla. Did you get yourself tested? If this is the result of a condom malfunction you might have picked up something besides a baby.”
I laughed, a dry, emotionless sound. “I’m good. Stop worrying. I’m clean.” I assured him. I was too. I’d had myself tested when I got my pregnancy officially confirmed by the doctor. Not that I really expected to be at risk of picking up anything from Shay given how he was about using condoms.
“Why not get an abortion? You don’t need to keep it. You said yourself it’s the result of a one night stand gone wrong. You don’t know anything about this man who knocked you up. I don’t understand why you would have it.”
“No.” I shot at him fiercely. “I’m not having this baby aborted. I want it whether you approve or not. I can raise it alone. I don’t need a man to help me with that. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know anything about the father. I want this baby.”
I turned away from Leo, letting my mind drift back to the last time I’d seen Shay. Even though it was two months since I’d seen him, it still hurt to think of him, to remember what he’d said to me and how he’d looked at me before I’d fled from his home. He’d been so cruel, so cold for a man who clung to me sometimes during his illness, not wanting to be left alone.
The thoughts of him. Of being with him. His looks. The sound of his voice. That look in his eyes. Even after two months it still hurt like hell to think of him. It hurt because despite the way he treated me. Despite him throwing my declaration of love back in my face, I still loved him. That was one of the reasons why I couldn’t abort his child. It was my way to have that little stolen piece of him. It might be wrong, but I couldn’t give up that part of him unless for some reason, nature intended it to be that way. I couldn’t abort because stupidly I was still in love with Shay.
I hadn’t seen him at all. Never out and about. Not that I really expected to I guess. There wasn’t any reason for us to cross paths. Leo didn’t mention him but I don’t think they were close anymore. That was my fault. I’d come between them. I wouldn’t let my friends coerce me into going to the club either. I couldn’t drink because of the baby and I knew I’d never handle possibly running into Shay while he was on the hunt for his next lay.
Keeping up the pretence of appearing fine to my brother and friends was exhausting. I couldn’t let anyone see how heartbroken I was. With every day that passed and every tiny increase in the size of my stomach, I struggled to contain my sorrow over the fact my child would never know its father.
So far I’d managed to hide my pregnancy from my parents. Having them live on the mainland helped. We didn’t see a lot of them anyway and calls were limited to once every couple of weeks. Lately though, it was like my mother sensed something was going on. She was calling more frequently and asking a lot more questions about how I was. What I was doing. If I was seeing anyone.
When I was a little over four months along I realised I was going to need a whole new wardrobe. With my ever expanding waistline my old clothes, even the ones that were more flowing and less clingy were getting a bit too tight.
I dragged Ava and Karen along to suffer through the hundred and one changes of clothes and to help me narrow things down a bit. With my friends giving everything either the thumbs up or down I ended up with some loose fitting dresses and tops, plus maternity jeans and leggings. Things that would hopefully see me through the rest of the pregnancy.
“So when are you going to tell us who daddy is?” Karen eyed off my stomach as we sat at a small café in the mall about a week later. While they were drinking decadent looking ice coffees’ smothered in a layer of whipped cream, I was having an ice cream soda. It was my chance to have my calorie and sugar fix but without the caffeine since I was watching my intake while pregnant.
I sighed. “I can’t. Please don’t keep asking me. Why is everyone so concerned with who the father is? I’m having a baby. That’s all you need to know.” I shot her an irritated look. “You’re like a bloodhound when it comes to gathering information.”
She narrowed her eyes at me, her scrutiny so intense I was sure she’d turned into a female version of Superman and was using her x-ray vision to see who the baby looked like. I had to consciously stop myself from pressing my hands to my stomach as if that might shield her from seeing inside.
“It’s Shay’s isn’t it? That’s why you won’t reveal who it is. You know he has a commitment phobia and if your brother knew it was him he’d go over and string the man’s balls up as a decorative item for his rear view mirror.”
Karen’s words stunned me and my mouth fell open as I gaped at her before I blushed. A bright, incriminating, revealing red. If she wasn’t sure before. I’d just given her the answer with my body’s reaction. “It’s
not his.” I tried to lie my way out of it but she narrowed her eyes at me, a look on her face that clearly showed she wasn’t falling for my crap.
“Holy shit Lyla. You’re having the Sex God’s baby?” Ava’s eyes were like saucers in her face. “Shit, no wonder you’re keeping mum on this one. Pardon the pun. Leo will go ballistic.”
I turned on her. “You can’t tell him Ava. I don’t want him going to Shay. You don’t understand. Things are complicated. Shay is all sorts of messed up and I can’t have someone like that around me or our baby one day.”
“What do you mean he’s messed up?” Karen’s eyes narrowed as they locked on mine. “Messed up how? He’s not dangerous is he?”
“No, god no.” I said as reassuringly as possible. “Look if I tell you, you have to keep it to yourselves. I don’t want Shay’s life being turned into the local gossip.”
Karen looked annoyed at my words while Ava shook her head so hard I thought she might shake it right off her shoulders.
“I wouldn’t say anything.” They both said in tandem and then burst out laughing. “We promise whatever you tell us will stay with us.” First Karen then Ava did the whole crossing their hearts thing at me and I rolled my eyes.
“Good. I need you both to take what I tell you to your graves. Shay might be an asshole but he doesn’t deserve to have his life splashed about and a source of gossip.” I shot a stern look at both of them.
After yet more reassurances that their lips were sealed, I started telling them about our first night together and how he’d flipped out and nearly choked me. I waited while they had their moment of outrage at what happened, before going on to tell them all about my time with him while he was sick. How he’d suffered through nightmares and had moments of wanting me to lie with him so he could hold me. I told them about the sex and his panic over no condom.
My voice cracked when I told them about the time in his bathroom. How he’d been so vulnerable and then desperate for me and how he’d ended up a tearful mess on his floor. The hardest was telling them how cold he’d been the next morning and he’d thrown me out of his home. I didn’t tell them I’d told Shay I loved him. They didn’t need to hear about my ultimate humiliation.
When I finally fell silent, I waited for their reactions to what I’d told them. Karen was the first to respond.
“Jesus Lyla. He does sound all sorts of fucked up. He won’t tell you why he is the way he is?”
I shook my head. “He’s like an emotional rollercoaster. He blows hot and cold and he ends up in tears. The only thing I’m fairly certain about is that he’s been raped. He flipped out when we woke one time with my hand near his ass. I’ve heard him call out in his sleep and it’s heartbreaking to hear him. He’s in so much pain and he needs help. He needs to talk to someone. It was a shock to see him like that but I think the virus weakened him and made him vulnerable. The problem is, he won’t talk about it. He just flips out or shuts himself off.” I sighed heavily. “How am I supposed to help someone who won’t let anyone help him? He won’t let anyone close.”
“If he’s not prepared to open up and accept help hon, you’re better off without him then. A man like that isn’t father material.” Ava’s eyes were like those of a sad puppy as she stared back at me. She was always the most emotional one out of the three of us and I knew she’d be wishing she could do something to take away my pain.
“I know.” I agreed but it didn’t stop my heart hurting and my mind from dwelling on what might have been.
Shay
One Month Later
Breathing heavily I slowed the treadmill to walking speed so I could begin cooling down. Sweat rolled off my body and I used the towel around my neck to wipe my face and arms.
I glanced over to my left and met the eyes of a blonde woman who was giving me a coy look. When she realised she had my attention she smiled, her eyes moving down my body and back again. She was beautiful but I was about as interested in her as I was in cutting off my right nut.
I was in my own private hell. Every woman who tried to come onto me did nothing for me. No matter where I went or where I looked all I saw was Lyla.
My days were plagued with memories and reliving every agonising moment when she was in my home. Her face, her body, her unbelievable beauty. Her smile, her voice and the sounds she made when she was coming. But most of all I was tormented by the look in her eyes when I’d thrown her from the house.
I did that to her. I caused her that much pain. I made her cry when she lost the battle to hold back her tears and I had to relive it every damn day like a reel of film that played over and over again in my head. It damn near cut me down thinking about it. It was like being hit with never ending invisible blows and not being able to escape it. It hurt me that much to know I’d done that to her. To a woman who didn’t deserve it. She was right. I really was an asshole.
Of course between being half out of it from the fever and going all crazy town on her before throwing her out, I never did find out why she’d been at my house in the first place. Something must have brought her all the way out to Primrose Sands. Still it was too late now. I wasn’t going to try to find out. I hadn’t seen her since the day I treated her like crap and tossed her from my home.
Rubbing the towel over my face again I turned away from the blonde who was still giving me the eye. Stepping off the treadmill I made my way across the room filled with weights, benches and other equipment.
Now that I didn’t go out chasing women every other night I worked every chance I got and when I wasn’t working, I worked out. Anything to provide a distraction from my thoughts. I was doing more weights these days and it was showing in my body. Not enough to be really bulky as I never wanted that look for me but pushing muscles until I was a quivering mass of aches and pains helped burn off the energy I no longer burned off fucking women.
When I was done with my workout, I headed towards the doors leading out to where the showers were so I could wash away the sweat that had soaked my clothes and that ran like rivers down my body.
I’d only made it about halfway across the room when I spotted Leo heading towards me at a brisk pace. I shot him a smile. We didn’t see that much of each other these days. In fact we hardly saw each other. We used to go to the club together sometimes when we were trolling for women but after what had happened with Lyla when I attacked her in my sleep, our friendship had become strained and lately, pretty well non-existent.
If the truth be told, it suited me to not have anything to do with him anymore. It would have been a disaster to have to go anywhere near the apartment he shared with Lyla and it would have killed me to hear her mentioned. Especially if she’d found someone else and was happy.
“Hey Leo.” I barely managed to get the two words out, right before his fist came at me faster than I could react and connected hard with my jaw, sending me flying backwards.
I stumbled, regaining my feet and stepped forward. “What the fu-“ I didn’t even finish before Leo’s fist connected with my face again and this time, I went down on my ass.
He walked up to me, bending down until his face was close to mine. His eyes flashed angrily and I don’t think I’d ever seen him looking so pissed off. Probably more so than the time he’d hit me for hurting his sister while I was asleep.
“You fucking asshole. My sister. My fucking sister. How could you?”
“What?” I spluttered, not making any attempt to get up off the floor. What was the point? Leo looked that mad he’d probably just knock me back down before I could get on my feet anyway. “What about her? What’s wrong? Is this because I fucked her? You were all for it, remember?”
“It’s not that you fucked her asshole. She said she wanted it. It’s that you let her take care of you while you were sick and then treated her like crap, throwing her out of your house. Not to mention the first time when you nearly choked her, hit her and went half fucking psycho on her. It pisses me off because she’s been protecting your worthless ass for the l
ast few months. I had to fucking extract every shitty detail from her when I confronted her this morning. I didn’t know she’d gone to your home and ended up looking after you. She didn’t tell me about that. If she had, I would have been here knocking you on your ass a couple of months ago.”
“Look I’m sorry. I’m all fucked up, ok?” I hoped that would be enough to get him off my back. I should have known better of course.
Leo’s hand came down, his fingers closing around my neck. “I just can’t believe after what you did to her the first time that you would take her help when you were sick and then throw her out the way you did, especially in her condition. How could you knock her up and then walk away without a damn care in the world about it? How could you Shay? She’s my sister. You don’t shit where you eat. Why the fuck didn’t you cover up? You were the one always crapping on about the importance of condoms but you don’t think that rule applies to Lyla?”
“I was sick.” I said weakly, my mind reeling from Leo’s revelation. Lyla was pregnant?
“Hey, you two, take your shit outside.” One of the trainers from the gym shot a warning look at the two of us. In the middle of having my face pommelled I hadn’t seen him approach.
I used the time Leo was distracted to get to my feet, eyeing him off warily in case he attempted to hit me again but he settled for glaring at me instead. My jaw throbbed like a mother fucker and when I wiped fingers over my lip, they came away covered in blood. Damn bastard knew how to hit and going by the sting, he’d split my lip.
Sex God Page 25
