Her eyes searched mine for so long I wondered if she was trying to see into my soul but I think she was just trying to see if I was messing with her somehow. Finally, she gave me a brief nod and before she could change her mind, I took the last few steps to close the distance between us.
Reaching out, I noticed my hand was shaking slightly and she surprised me when she took it in hers and placed it against her stomach, spreading my fingers until my palm was pressed against her.
The minute we touched, I felt the pull of her again. My heart began to leap around in my chest, my breathing increasing, and immediately every sense was captivated by her, every pore, every hair on my body tuned in to her. What was it about her? Why was I so drawn to her? I hadn’t been able to show any interest in other women. I sure as hell couldn’t fuck them. My Sex God title was gone. I didn’t go to the clubs. I didn’t go anywhere. I spent all my time either working, at the gym, or home, tormented by my demons or jerking off like the damn loser I’d become.
I’m surprised I had any skin left on my hand with all the damn wanking. I hadn’t had sex since Lyla was with me when I was ill. There was no point going out to try and get laid. I didn’t want any other woman. Lyla was the only one I wanted but I couldn’t have her. I would never be able to have her.
Desperate to escape my thoughts I focused on where my hand lay on her. I could feel the warmth of her through the thin loose fitting floral print dress she wore and there was a firmness to her stomach which surprised me. I was even more surprised when she placed a hand over mine, pressing it more firmly against her, keeping it there so I couldn’t remove it.
We stood like that. Our bodies close. My hand on her stomach and her hand on my hand, our eyes locked on one another. The longer I stood like that the more trapped by her gaze I felt, unable to break free and not wanting to either. I could smell her sweet vanilla scent and the hint of floral from the shampoo she used and helplessly my body responded to her, to her scent and her touch, and I felt my dick hardening in the black dress pants I wore.
I silently cursed it for getting hard now. This was neither the time nor place, and certainly not appropriate while waiting to see if I’d feel whatever it was that Lyla thought I might feel from the baby. I shifted from one foot to the other praying she wouldn’t look down and see the way I was tenting out the front of my slacks. With their more relaxed fit, my cock had way too much freedom. Jeans might have restricted it a bit and made it a little less obvious at least.
“Did you feel that?” Lyla’s expression was filled with excitement and I shook my head. Disappointingly, I’d felt nothing.
Just to add to my torment, torment I hope wasn’t visible on my face, she pressed my hand in harder against her, moving it around lower. As she took it down, crucifying me without realising it, I was distracted by something. The faintest movement under my fingers. It was little more than a ripple. Almost making me question whether I’d really felt it or not, but it was enough to draw my attention to Lyla’s stomach.
“Did you feel that?” She tried again and I nodded.
“Was that…was that the baby?” I asked doubtful that the fluttering, ripple I’d felt was anything really.
“Yes it was. Isn’t it amazing?” Her eyes, fuck her eyes sparkled with so much excitement and I felt like I was drowning in the brilliant blue of them.
“Yes.” I replied and before I could stop myself, my free hand came up, brushing the backs of my fingers over her cheek. Her skin was so soft and helplessly my other hand left her stomach, coming up so I could cup her cheeks in both palms, unable to tear my gaze from hers.
Something flashed in her eyes and my heart contracted in my chest when I saw the pain reflected in them. It was fleeting, gone almost immediately, replaced by the wariness of earlier.
“Why are you here Shay?” She asked and I could hear it, hear the hurt, the tension and the confusion in her voice.
I didn’t answer her straight away, I simply let my fingers drift over her face like a blind man familiarising himself with her every feature.
“I had to see you. I had to be sure it was real. I had to know why? Why you would keep a child that I fathered?”
“I told you why. I want this baby. It’s too late to get rid of it anyway. It’s my body so my right to decide what I do. I told you and I’m still telling you, I don’t expect you to help out at all. Loads of women raise children without men. I can do this. I’m well aware you want nothing to do with me. You made that perfectly clear the last time I saw you.” Her voice broke ever so slightly on her last few words and pain lanced through me, remembering what I’d said and done to her and knowing I was responsible for her pain.
“Aren’t you worried it will turn out like me?” I asked.
She frowned. “You mean if it looks like you?” She snorted. “Don’t play dumb with me Shay. You know you’re a very attractive man. Hell, you didn’t earn the title of Sex God without having that something that makes women want you. If this baby looks like you, he or she will be beautiful.”
“That’s not what I meant.” I whispered lowering my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see her expression. “You saw me when I was sick and what I did to you the morning after…after we spent our first night together. I’m fucked up. I’m your worst nightmare. I’m the shit off the sole of your shoe. I’m nothing Lyla, nothing. Don’t you see? One day you’ll regret that you ever had anything to do with me.”
Flashing her a quick look I was startled to see tears filling her eyes. “How can you think like that about yourself? Don’t you look in mirrors?”
I gave a dry sounding laugh. “How I look means nothing. It’s just the pretty window dressing that fools everyone into wanting to come inside, but anyone foolish enough to stay will eventually see it’s all nothing but smoke and mirrors. What I am; what I truly am is inside. You’ve seen flashes of the real me, of what I am. I’m nothing. I’m unworthy. I’m bad. It’s really that simple. I had to drive you away. Don’t you see?” I raised my eyes to hers, feeling the burn of tears wanting to fall. “If you had stayed. If anyone would stay then I wouldn’t be able to hide anymore. You would learn what I am and you…you would go.”
I watched Lyla’s face crumble before me and the tears that shimmered in her eyes began to spill over, tracking their way down her cheeks as she stared up at me.
“No Shay. There is nothing I’ve seen inside of you so far that is bad. I know there is a scared little boy who was hurt badly. I know that you have dreams that I suspect are memories of horrific times in your life but I don’t believe you are bad and I don’t believe there is anything you could tell me that would make me think you were a bad person. The only ‘bad’ thing is the way you treated me when you were sick. You hurt me so much throwing me out the way you did, rejecting me.”
I stayed silent, digesting her words, tortured by the memories of what I’d said to her. I knew I’d hurt her but knowing that it was still so raw for her, even a few months on and to see the pain in her eyes and see her tears damn near destroyed me.
As I used my thumbs to wipe the moisture off her cheeks, I frowned. I didn’t believe her. Well, the stuff about how much I hurt her, that I believed, but not everything else. Her conviction I wasn’t a bad person? She was wrong. I knew what I was. I’d been told all my life after all. My father never let a day go by without reminding me of exactly what I was and what people would think of me, and how they would look at me once they knew.
Lyla continued looking at me through tear drenched eyes and I’m sure she could see the pain and torment in mine as my father’s voice echoed through my head, sneering at me, reminding me that I was a worthless, dirty piece of shit.
I closed my eyes against the sight of her tears. I couldn’t stop their flow. They were coming too fast and with each one that tracked a path down her cheeks, it felt like a knife was slowly, systematically paring away at my heart, creating more and more pain, until it was a huge, physical ache in my chest.
I had to hide
my pain, I had to hide my inner turmoil from her and I needed to try and stop that voice, that horrible, cruel, hateful voice that derived so much satisfaction from hurting me every way he saw fit.
“Shay?” That one softly spoken whisper of my name dragged my heavy eyelids up and momentarily I felt like I was drowning in the pool of her brilliant blue irises. She lifted up on her toes, surprising me and I watched those eyes draw closer and closer, her lips parting and I froze when she pressed them to mine. The feel of them so soft, so unexpected, so amazing and for a moment, a few seconds in time, shock held me rigid, every muscle locked, unable to respond in any way to Lyla’s lips moving on mine.
She was kissing me - a miracle I never expected. Those lips, those sweet lips - my nirvana. I just stood there, frozen, feeling like a fucking statue as she moved them over mine, her tongue tracing my lower lip, flicking at the seam, encouraging me to open to her.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to react. I wasn’t used to a woman initiating anything, and I sure as hell wasn’t used to giving a woman control, even for a kiss. It felt different, strange, but surprisingly good.
I liked that she was the one trying to woo me, to tempt me, to encourage me. At least I think that’s what she was trying to do. As she deepened the kiss, her lips pressing harder on mine, her tongue teasing and flicking at me in an attempt to get me to open to her, I finally gave in, opening up and letting her into my mouth. It was different for me, alien, because by opening to her, letting her in, I was in fact, in my head, surrendering to her.
As the kiss deepened and my excitement began to overcome my uncertainty, our tongues duelled, tangling, one trying to dominate the other. I didn’t like to submit. It stirred up things I didn’t want to think about. Nipping at Lyla’s bottom lip, I silently demanded her capitulation and finally, with a gentle sigh into my mouth, she gave it to me.
I took it too. I took her. I took her lips. I took everything I could, my arms circling her waist so I could pull her body closer to mine.
I felt the change straight away. This was different. I couldn’t bring her body flush to mine anymore because now there was a baby bump. The swell of her stomach, the firmness of our child that was nestled inside her stopped me being able to hold her as close to me as I once could.
Still, undeterred I ran one hand down her body, reaching for the hem of her dress. As soon as my fingers slipped under the hem, I found the smooth skin of her thigh with my palm and slid it up until I came to the lace of her panties.
Tempted as I was to breach the lace and put my hand directly on her, I held back and settled for cupping her between her legs. She was wet, so wet she’d soaked the fabric of her panties and this time I couldn’t help myself. I let my wandering fingers slip between the satin and lace, feeling the humid heat of her pussy against my hand.
Lyla moaned against my lips, her body shifting restlessly in my arms. She was highly aroused and I couldn’t believe, despite everything, despite my treatment of her in my home, I still had the ability to turn her on. I wanted to get closer to her, to feel her body touching every inch of mine. Helplessly I tilted my hips, trying to find some way to alleviate the aching of my cock.
God, I wanted her. My desire for her as powerful as it had been from the moment I first met her. I was kidding myself thinking this was ever just about fucking her. I was attracted to Lyla. I wanted her. I wanted her for more than just this. For more than just a fuck or two. I wanted her for more than a night. I wanted her for more, whatever more was.
The problem was I couldn’t. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted her. I wasn’t worthy of her. I didn’t deserve someone like Lyla. If I opened myself to her, there was a risk she’d see the demon within me and I’d already given her some insight as to what I kept inside.
She didn’t know it all though. She’d figured out part of my sordid story, but fortunately she didn’t know it all. It had to stay that way because if she learnt the truth, the whole disgusting truth, she would never want to be in my arms or in my bed. She would want nothing to do with me. I knew with absolute certainty that she would leave me, like anyone who had ever cared about me had left me.
Chapter Twenty Two
Lyla
Oh god, this man. I was powerless to do anything but respond when this man kissed me and when he caressed me, his fingers flicking over my clit and turning me on like he was casually turning on the lights. He touched and I responded. It seemed no matter how long we were parted for, no matter how much he’d hurt me, that desire never waned. It was always there under the surface, waiting to bubble up.
I shouldn’t be letting him touch me. I shouldn’t be kissing him or having anything to do with him but I couldn’t help myself. It was more than the chemistry between us though and I knew it. As much as he’d hurt me, I knew why he had now. Seeing the pain in his eyes and how much he despised himself, believing he was unworthy, broke my heart. That anyone could have made Shay believe he didn’t deserve anything or anyone made me want to tear apart the person who had made him think that.
He broke away from my lips, his breathing harsh as his eyes met mine, the irises a stormy blue from his arousal. His fingers stilled inside my panties, hovering over my clit as if waiting for something from me.
“Jesus.” He whispered his tone almost reverent. “You’re wet. You want me don’t you? Do you want me anywhere near as badly as I want you?”
“Yes.” My voice was husky with arousal. “Too much. I want you too much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting you. Even when you break me and hurt me, I still want you. What does that say about the kind of person I am?” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and I knew Shay had heard them by his sharply indrawn breath.
“This is bigger than the both of us.” He finally said, his voice low as he breathed the words in my ear. “I’ve never wanted another woman more than once. I can’t stop wanting you too. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t get hard for anyone but you dammit. I haven’t been able to since I saw you last. I know I hurt you and I don’t deserve for you to even give me the time of day but…but you’re pregnant and I don’t know what to do, and…god…please don’t hate me.” The impassioned plea from his lips nearly tore me in two. Before I could respond, he continued. “You’ve ruined me and it drives me crazy. You drive me crazy because I can’t…I can’t.” His eyes lowered from mine and I saw his throat working as if trying to contain his emotions. “Eventually the truth will come out and I don’t want to see…I can’t see the pity and that look of disgust in your eyes. Not you. Never you.”
His words made my heart leap and my stomach clench all at the same time. I felt like I was being lifted up and torn apart by the rawness of his emotions. Did he realise what he’d just said? He was confessing that he wanted me. He might not want to, but he couldn’t help himself. His revelation that he couldn’t get it up for anyone else shocked me. That sounded like he hadn’t been out screwing women every night of the weak like I’d tortured myself imagining.
Helplessly my eyes lowered to his groin. Well, he certainly wasn’t having a problem getting it up right now. Not only did he feel deliciously hard when I rubbed against him, but the way his dress pants tented out in front validated he was sporting one hell of an erection. It was both a surprise and a revelation to hear that he hadn’t been in this state for anyone else since our last time together.
“You can’t get hard for anyone else?” I whispered, tilting my pelvis towards his again, as much as my baby bump would allow.
Shay groaned against my ear. “Hmmm…so you heard that bit didn’t you?” He angled his hips to meet mine and we began a sensuous undulating of our bodies. It was erotic and unbelievably sexy as we moved in time as if dancing to a beat only we could hear.
“Fuck me.” I moaned, my heart rate increasing and my voice breathless as my excitement rose.
Shay’s groan was throaty, guttural. “We’re in the middle of your shop where anyone could just walk in.�
�� He reminded me.
“There’s the kitchen and office area.” I suggested. My eyes meeting his again, waiting to see what he would do.
“When’s your assistant due back?” His voice lowered, the sexy vibration of it against my ear nearly making me combust. Was it alright for a pregnant woman to feel like she was about to burst into flames?
“Shit. I forgot about her. She’d never let me live it down if she walked in on us.”
“Fuck.” Shay spat the word out vehemently. His frustration evident in that one word but despite Sharon being a cock blocker for us, it didn’t stop his body sliding against mine, his cock grinding into me, mimicking a coupling we couldn’t satisfy.
“The toilet.” I finally suggested my body a mass of aching need. Hell, I was so turned on right now, I’d probably let him take me in the middle of the street to get some relief from the ache between my legs.
Shay seemed to hesitate and I realised it wasn’t the classiest place to go for sex but I was desperate and if he hadn’t fucked since the time he’d been sick, he was probably as crazy for it as me.
The tiny voice of reason tapped me on the shoulder and tried to make me see this probably wasn’t my best idea. Just because he was here, didn’t mean he wanted anything to do with me or the baby, but he’d revealed more about how he felt today than he’d ever revealed. I just needed him to open up and tell me what had happened to him and why he hated himself so much.
“Having second thoughts?” He obviously could see my hesitation.
“No.” I met his eyes, raising a hand to brush my palm over the stubble that was shorter than I was used to seeing it. It wasn’t really a beard anymore but it was too much for a 5 o’clock shadow. Dropping my hand again, I reached for his. “Come on. We probably don’t have much time and one thing they don’t tell you about being pregnant until you are pregnant, is it makes a woman horny as all hell.”
Sex God Page 27
