Dogs of Orninica

by Unedo, Daniel

  What the hell do I care if they can walk in space? Once they've done it one time, it's done. Why do we need to keep sending more of them up there to keep walking? It's like throwing money in a hole. Think of all the useful things they could be spending that money on. I can think of tons of things, tons. Like for instance...

  Well, I won't bore you with the long-as-hell list, actually. It would take me the next hour at least, to list all the things the government could be doing right now to make our lives better, and there's a lot on the schedule to talk about this morning. There's really a whole lot of things they could do, though. Send us an email if you can think of some good ones.

  Oh, they could give the Braniso event survivors new limos. That's an idea. Really not fair how my insurance is refusing to pay out because the government won't announce what caused the explosions. I pay millions in taxes every year, I shouldn't have to replace my limo myself, it's an outrage. Do you know what a brand new Braniso executive limousine costs? It's not a bill you'll ever want to see in your mailbox, I'll tell you that much.

  Maybe I'll organize another write-in campaign. If all you listeners write to the tax office complaining, maybe they'll get me a new limo. It worked last time, when we got them to tear down that statue of that lesbian firefighter. I don't care how many pups she died saving, that was a family park, and the statue was clearly the doing of the gay lobby.

  They never give statues to normal, heterosexual dogs for doing their jobs. Where's my statue? I wake up at 5 AM every freaking morning to be here, it's agony. What, do I need to go queer before they'll let me have one? How about we start a write-in campaign to get a statue of me made, and planted outside the presidential palace? I want to be wearing a long robe and smoking a pipe. Now there's a statue worth making. Get writing, listeners. If enough dogs petition the president, they have to issue a formal response. It's the law, you know.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Astronaut

  I'm approaching the fifth satellite now. It looks relatively intact. Can see a few dents and some surface fractures. I've got high hopes for this one, ground team. My gut is telling me this is the one we've all been waiting for.

  I'm gonna reel it in, give me a second, it's at an awkward angle. It looks like there's a container on the side. Some kind of attachment maybe? Yeah, it's aboard now, it's a solid little box, let me figure out how to open...

  There's a message, it's playing it automatically, on a loop. It sounds like English. Have we got a linguist down there? You're gonna need to bring one in quick, this thing is seriously old, could fall apart at any moment. I hope you're recording this.

  “Greetings gentle traveler. This satellite beacon was left here by the last surviving humans of planet Earth, on our way to our final destination, the sun. We leave the earth behind in the hopes that, without the human pestilence crawling over it, our beautiful planet can heal itself and evolve new lifeforms to replace all that was lost during our disastrous time at the top of the food chain.”

  “There are only six of us now. Our group, the Human Extinction Movement has finally achieved the ultimate solution we've been working towards for so long. For years, we watched silently as our wealthy elite rulers pillaged the planet in the name of profit, poisoning the air, water and food supply, all the while keeping the wider population entrapped in inescapable debt-serfdom. The common people were just as much to blame, eagerly consuming every wasteful polluting thing sold to them by the sinister corporations and electing the same corrupt money-grabbing, liberty-eroding flimflams to office year after year.”

  “It became obvious to us that the planet could no longer suffer the crippling strain of the human species, so we took absolute measures to set things right.”

  “One of the most damaging weapons the sinister corporatocracy set loose on the populace was the reckless genetic engineering of the plants and animals that sustained us and all life on the planet. These genetically modified organisms allowed the corporations to further their profit-amassing agendas by fusing the cells of plant and beast alike with foreign and artificial genes. GMOs had a devastating affect on our natural environment, as they spread their genes across the world, contaminating all life indiscriminately.”

  “One of the effects of this senseless biotech conspiracy was to further sicken the populace with cancers, furthering the immense profits of the pharmaceutical, banking and insurance interests. In one of our off-campus juice-bar get-togethers, we decided that the only way to beat them would be to use their own weapons against them. We began to plan out our ultimate solution. Five of us changed our college majors the next day and enrolled in all the classes that would allow us to become experts in genetic engineering. We graduated top of our class and immediately received offers from several booming biotech firms to join their ranks.”

  “It took us another another ten years to rise up the corporate ladder, as we slowly developed our final solution. A GMO corn that would rapidly attack human cells, killing everyone exposed to it. We engineered this corn to be especially vigorous in spreading its pollen, so that in just a few short seasons, practically every cornrow in the world was contaminated with the killer gene.”

  “Corn made up a huge percentage of the modern human diet, vestiges of corn by-products were found in nearly everything we consumed. There was no escape, and everyone started to die, attacked by a foreign gene that fused with their cells and systematically collapsed their organs one by one.”

  “The poetic thing was that the government, firmly in the pocket of the biotech industry, refused to consider that a GMO could have been the cause of the outbreak when rumors surfaced on the Internet. They didn't take even one gene sample, and even as billions were in agony on their deathbeds, none of us were ever questioned.”

  “Two of our beloved members accidentally consumed a beverage containing corn and chose to be euthanized. It was very hard for us to find non-corn based food in the panic of the apocalypse, so we ate very little. It must be hard for an alien civilization to understand just how pervasive this one crop was in our culture. Even graminivorous livestock is fed a steady diet of corn, and non-food products as diverse as postage stamps, toothpaste, laundry starch and medication are corn-derived.”

  “Something we hadn't anticipated was the effect the corn would have on non-human domestic animals, that are also fed a largely corn-based diet. The toxic gene we inserted into the plant was specifically designed to only attack human cells, but we noticed it was also having some kind of measured and painful effect on domestic animals; rewriting their genes, though there wasn't time to carry out the studies that would be needed to learn what exactly was happening to them, or what the end result would be.”

  “Some strict gluten-free or remote and sequestered people managed to survive quite by accident for a while, but most of them fell sick when they came into close contact with or fed on infected domestic and wild animals.”

  “We lost another two members of our group this way, a couple that fell to their dog's loving lick. We're truly sorry if our actions have led to the suffering of any non-human species. It wasn't our intention.”

  “There were still some people left standing when the dust was cleared, and they had to be tracked down and culled manually. Those of us that hadn't become biologists and astronauts spent the decade training in military warfare to prepare for this eventuality. Three members were lost during this effort. We agreed not to depart until we had tracked down and cleansed every man, woman and child from the face of the planet. Sadly, this also meant burning a lot of the thick forest that was acting as a refuge for the last few survivors. We hope it grows back rapidly now that we're gone and we can't apologize enough for the damage we did to the fragile forest ecosystem and the innocent creatures living in it.”

  “And that's why we're on our way to the sun, or as close to it as we can get before the rocket burns up. We all sit here in a circle, holding hands, filled with love, ready to disperse our energy into the cosmos and finally free ear
th of the human cancer forever.”

  “Remember our sacrifice, and know that we die free.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Journalist III

  The cosmic discovery of the beacon left for us by our human masters has changed our world forever. The ancient message that played out live around the world yesterday, beamed to every connected device on every person, has forever changed the trajectory of our great civilization.

  The war against the Nureongi has been called off, all our troops and automated drones recalled home. As we have reported, the clergy miraculously survived the brutal attack against our leaders due to their churches not keeping regular business hours. Their regal pearl-white Braniso limousines were parked and unoccupied at the time of the catastrophe.

  As per the constitution, the Grand Bishop of Bahman and the First Vicar of Soupman are now our most senior leaders, and acting heads of state.

  Due to the crucial contents of the beacon recording, a powerful historic alliance has been made between the two pastors and their lesser contemporaries, promising to join the flocks of the disparate faiths permanently. This new 'Justness League' creates one world religion comprising of elements from all seven doctrines.

  The seven heads of Justness met yesterday for several hours in an all-night session to decide how to proceed in rebuilding society after the unprecedented breakthrough. They came out of the meeting with a conclusive resolution to the new issues facing us, and a road-map towards our future prosperity.

  Our leaders have decided that we will follow the humans to the sun. “We have carefully weighed all the options available to us. This is the only path that cultivates a lasting corn to nourish our immortal souls with”, the former First Vicar of Soupman stated earlier today.

  As there plainly aren't enough rockets to send the entire population of the Orninican alliance into orbit, giant catapults are being constructed in all our towns and cities as the next closest thing. Members of clergy, assisted by peace-keeper-bots, will oversee the 'catapult to the stars' initiative, and when all ordinary citizens have been launched, our leaders, their aids, and the few remaining prominent dogs of industry will board the five rockets we have, and set out for the sun.

  Every citizen will receive notice of their slotted time and the location of the nearest catapult to the stars. Once you arrive at your assigned catapult, you're expected to take a number, stand in line and await further instruction. The high-powered catapults are able to launch a dog of average height and weight as much as 1000 meters into the air. Though unfortunately not enough to reach the sun, you will be pointed at the sun and be able to gaze into it as you're launched.

  Any member of the great Canidae erectus species that remains on earth after the launches are completed will be executed by automated drone fire. So there's no point in hiding.

  In other news, the execution of convicted pedophile terrorist serial killer, accountant Gerald Barker went ahead yesterday without a hitch. He was given a choice of twenty different corn-based dishes for his last meal, but chose to abstain from eating. His last recorded words were “I didn't do anything.” The nation prays for his soul. Sick, sick little dog.

  The autobiography of the late, great actor, Harvey Fidelbrook is back at number one on the best seller list. A re-issue of his most successful movie, “Space Captain 2: Space Invasion Battle”, will feature an altered ending using edited-in footage of the seasoned artiste's thrilling final performance, recorded by everyone in the crowd that gathered around the wreckage of his luxury Braniso in the heart of the city's financial district. His death is trending higher on social media platforms than anything in history.

  Die-hard Harvey fan Bernadette Gar had this to say, “Harvey was the sweetest, most caring guy. It's such a tragedy what happened to him. Just think of all the great Harvey movies that'll never get made because of this huge tragedy. I'm really glad they're re-editing Space Invasion Battle, but I hope they also add his new death scene to his other great works, like 'Undercover Chef', 'Zombie Hamsters' and 'Spy With a Plan'. It would really mean a lot to his fans all over the world if we could see new versions of all these blockbuster movies before we leave in the catapults.”

  The fan is also planning a petition to have Fidelbrook's ten most popular movies sealed in a titanium vault to preserve them for all time. Embedded below is a scene from Harvey's second most successful movie, 'Space Captain 4: The Journey Home Begins', where the cosmic captain saves the sentient meteorite baby from its collision course with the moon, by singing a lullaby to guide the adorable little meteorite to safety.

  A new study commissioned by the Orninican Snack Food, Infant Food and Soft Drink Manufacturers Association has proven that the so-called Orninican 'obesity epidemic' is a lot of hot air. A scientific team has shown that carrying extra layers of fat can be life-saving in numerous pressing situations, such as in the recent case of the miners trapped underground for six weeks. "If those miners had been more obese, they could have survived the ordeal and still be here to tell us about it", a representative of the association stated in a press release yesterday.

  Rising young actress Seyge Grine looked the part of a true starlet yesterday as she attended the premiere of the much vaunted biopic of late billionaire Reub Yaute; the beloved genius Orninican entrepreneur, marketer, designer and inventor of the original iYglass 1.0 and all the other cherished designer Rubella Corp products that are such a big part of our everyday lives, dating all the way back to the Rubella Personal Computing Workstation A100, which was released more than forty years ago.

  The stunning youthful beauty sported a form-fitting sleeveless magenta frock with a plunging neckline and wide skirt, tailored perfectly for her by her favored fashion house; Oreolo. Clinging steadfastly to her petite frame, Seyge's summery dress was garnished with a low-hanging custom-made Penderitaan Itu diamond and pearl necklace that accentuated her ample chest.

  The twenty-eight year old's sparkling red Chilblain stiletto heels, bright orange lamb-skin Edguar Leduin handbag, Splurgeco Thulian-pink lipstick and exclusive horn-rimmed iYglass Sunglasses completed her brilliant ensemble as she walked the red carpet accompanied by her gorgeous heir/musician boyfriend, forty-three year old Garth Herne-Pongri; who wore a tailor-made Brey Gegregerre double-breasted damson evening suit with vintage white ivory buttons. A special exclusive pre-release of the new iYwatch Pre3 that has only been sent to a few hundred highly-influential dogs proudly adorned his wrist.

  Fashionista Seyge can next be seen in the side-splitting hilarious wedding comedy, 'Brenda's Big Day', where she plays a beautiful, independent, but cynical wedding planner that had given up on ever finding love, until the moment Mr. Teddy Right walked into her office, with his mean and controlling bride-to-be in tow.

  The Public Safety & Protection Agency has been decommissioned, and its terror-threat level system has been officially discontinued by the Justness League of Orninica. Take care, Orninicans.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Student II

  Every time I try to eat this swill, I have to clench up to make sure it doesn't come running right back out again. It's so bad. They won't even tell us what's in it exactly, but it doesn't look like any food I've ever seen. It's mostly brown sludge, with some sticky green chunks and these wiry white fibers. They just call it a 'nutri-meal', whatever that means. Honestly, I'd almost rather eat dirt than finish this plate off.

  They ship them here in these little foil packages with no labels on them, and somehow they're already heated when we open them, right out of the box. Must be some kind of new invention that keeps food steaming hot for weeks at a time. Too bad it doesn't inject some fucking flavor into them as well, that would be a much more useful invention.

  The others are better at getting used to eating this stuff, they're munching away like it's a nice big plate of vanilla pudding or something. There's even a few daring chubsters that are asking for seconds. I guess some guys will get used to anything. Maybe I can trade the rest of mine to one of
them for a pocket knife or a lighter or something. I bet both those things would be more nutritious than a nutri-meal.

  So the good news is they're ending the dental camp early. They made us all help them set up one of those catapults outside, and we're all going to get launched out of it in the morning as soon as the bots arrive to operate it. They're afraid that some of us might have too soft a landing though, since there's nothing but meadowland out here, so they're aiming the catapult at a brick wall just to make sure no one walks away from the throw.

  The wall's only a few steps away from the catapult, so we're not even going to get airborne for more than a moment really. It's such a bummer. At least I'll finally be done with this shitty fucking camp, though. It's really driving me nuts. They act like dentistry is the most important thing ever invented. It's like a creepy cult or something. Just like a cult. Yeah, I'll probably be better off splattered on that wall than staying here for another two weeks. At least I won't have to learn about fucking dentistry any more.

  All the camp activities are tooth-related. They've got these big rocks painted white and arranged like teeth, and we have to brush them with a giant toothbrush to demonstrate the correct brushing method. Even the rare fun stuff is dental-oriented, like the canoes are made to look like big toothpaste tubes and we have to answer dental trivia while we row them. There's even a water slide that works like like a giant water pick, but they hardly ever let us near it. It's so mental. Makes me want to pull out all my teeth one by one and throw them in the lake.