Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  Copyright © LL Collins 2013

  All Rights Reserved

  Cover Design by Kari Ayasha at Cover to Cover Designs

  www.covertocoverdesigns.com

  Interior Design by Angela McLaurin, Fictional Formats

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Contact Author LL Collins

  www.authorllcollins.com

  Twitter: @authorllcollins

  Facebook:

  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-LL-Collins/134877363387181?ref=hl

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Epilogue

  Living Again Playlist

  Acknowledgements

  This book is dedicated to everyone who always believed in me, from the second I picked up a pencil and began writing at a very young age to the day I hit publish on my very first book.

  I did it. I finally did it.

  Tears streamed down her face, dripping on her modest black dress. Get it together, she scolded herself. The pastor read comforting words from the Bible as everyone listened intently. The only sound in the room was sniffling. This couldn’t really be happening, she thought. He’s not gone. I’m not going to do this alone. As if on cue, the baby inside her moved, reminding her that he or she was still there. She tried to look up, to listen to what was happening, but she couldn’t. If she looked up, she saw the urn that held her husband perched delicately on the altar. That was all he was reduced to now- ashes. How can someone so vibrant and full of life be in there? And if she looked up, the enormous picture that she had picked to sit in the front to remind everyone of who he had been stared at her, mocking her. It was all too real if she looked up. So she stared at her protruding belly, watching her son or daughter move inside her, oblivious to the fact that their lives had changed forever. While this symbol of their love was growing, there would be no more of their marriage. She was a widow now.

  Three years ago, in this same church, Kayley Lynn Johnson became Mrs. Alexander Reed Carson. It had been the happiest day of both of their lives. Hundreds of people packed the beautiful church and reception, watching the love story that had been Kayley and Alex become a blissful, happy marriage. She remembered the butterflies in her stomach as the doors opened for her to walk down the aisle to marry her dream man. Not butterflies because she was nervous, but because it was finally here. The day she had always waited for, that she had anticipated since Alex proposed to her.

  She was beaming as she walked towards Alex on her dad’s arm, looking at only him. She was vaguely aware of the people watching her float down the aisle in her strapless, beaded, champagne colored satin dress with the four foot train. She felt and looked like a princess. Her blonde hair was curled up and stacked on top of her head, with her long veil trailing down the back of her dress and to the floor. Alex’s response to seeing his bride-to-be was one that would stay with Kayley forever. Tears poured out of his eyes as his gaze followed her all the way to the front of the church. He was enthralled with her. As she neared his side, he reached his hand out for hers and whispered, “I have never been more in love with you. You’re the most beautiful woman in the entire world.” Kayley’s dad beamed, never prouder to share his daughter than with this wonderful man. Kayley kissed her dad and then walked with Alex up to the altar, where they would pledge forever to one another.

  Forever. If only she had known it would only be three years. Would she have still done it, if she knew? Would she have dared to love him so completely? Kayley knew the answer was yes. She had never known anyone like Alex. He was so smitten with her, and her with him, so much that their friends often joked about it. Of course, their relationship was much the same as others- there were arguments and disagreements. But Kayley and Alex revolved their lives around each other- they were truly best friends. When they had met in their junior year of college, their friends all placed bets on how long it would be until they got married. Kayley and Alex, however, were just friends. They didn’t do anything without the other. Everyone knew it was a matter of time before they realized they were soul mates. For Kayley and Alex, they finally came to that same conclusion after they graduated college and were faced with the thought that they wouldn’t live near each other anymore.

  “Kayley?” a voice interrupted her daydream. It was her mom, sitting to her left with her hand in Kayley’s hand. She looked up at her, not containing the tears that continued to fall from her face. She had cried so much in the last three days, yet it never seemed to stop. “It’s time.”

  Kayley’s heart started pounding. She had said she could do this, but she couldn’t even sit here in the service and listen, much less get in front of everyone. “I-I can’t, Mom. I can’t even breathe.” Her baby moved and stretched, and she put her hand protectively on her stomach. Her mom looked at her stomach and put her hand on top of hers.

  “You can, honey. You can. You will regret it if you don’t. I know right now it seems like too much, but think of Alex, honey. And your baby. You can do it.”

  The pastor was finishing up, and that meant that it was Kayley’s turn. What was I thinking? I can’t get up in front of all of our family and friends and talk about him. I can’t even sit here without crying. But she knew her mom was right. Alex had been her whole life. She could never go through this entire thing without telling everyone, God included, how much this man meant to her.

  Kayley took a deep breath and stood up. She smoothed out her dress and grabbed a handful of tissues. She used one to pat her eyes and face of the remnants of her tears. Immediately the church was silent as they watched Alex’s widow walk to the front of the church. Kayley, avoiding the urn with all that she had, stopped at the picture that was taken at their recent pregnancy photo shoot. Alex and Kayley were at the beach, staring deep into each other’s eyes—they weren’t looking at the camera. The love that they shared was obvious in their eyes. Alex’s hand was balanced protectively on Kayley’s protruding stomach, and her hand was on top of his. Their wedding bands shone in the sunlight, and Kayley’s hair blew behind her. It was not a posed shot- it was just a moment that the photographer captured that at the time they had no idea how important it would become.

  Kayley remembered how much fun that they had that day, doing the shoot. Kayley had been fretting over the perfect outfit, did she look too fat, all the normal girl things. Alex had taken her in his arms, kissed her gently and said, “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world, Kayley Carson. And you’re carrying our baby- which makes this the most special gift you could’ve given me. These pictures are going to be priceless, no matter what we wear.” Kayley had grinned. He was right, of course. They were so excited about the arrival of their child. They didn’t k
now if it was a boy or a girl because they wanted a surprise. Kayley was about 7 months at the time of the photos, just about a month ago.

  Kayley forced herself to look away from the photo, and her eyes stopped on the urn behind it. She didn’t want to believe that it was possible. He was gone. Kayley stuffed down a sob at the thought of Alex being in there, no different than a dirt pile in the yard. She ran her fingers along the smooth porcelain, wondering how it was that instead of picking out baby names with Alex, she had to do this. I’m only 26 years old, she thought. We should be having a baby shower, not a funeral. I shouldn’t be burying my husband. She heard crying and sniffling from behind her, yet no one said a word. Everyone watched the widow coming to terms with her husband being gone. Gone.

  She turned to face their family and friends. Her eyes scanned the church, seeing almost all of the same faces from their wedding here at his funeral. Her stomach clenched and a sob escaped her lips. Tears fell once again and she willed herself to stop so she could talk. After a moment, she composed herself enough to be able to speak. She hadn’t prepared anything- there was no need. Everything she had to say about Alex was right inside her heart and soul.

  Kayley stepped up to the podium and rested her hands on the top to steady herself. She took a deep breath, finding her and Alex’s parents sitting in the front row. She saw her brother Kevin and his wife, Cathy and their three children. She saw Alex’s sister, Amber and brother, Adam. Everyone’s eyes were the same. Red rimmed, full of tears, and watching her.

  “Alex was my best friend,” Kayley began, her voice shaky but strong. “When we met five years ago, we instantly connected. Most of you know this story. We met in a college study group for one of our classes. We studied together from that moment on, and became so close that you rarely saw one of us without the other.” Kayley smiled, closing her eyes and remembering. “When Alex and I graduated, we knew we were moving away from each other. Alex was going back near his family in Georgia, and I had a job offer near my family here in Florida. I will never forget that night, our graduation. Our families were all around, talking and laughing with one another. Alex asked me to go out on the balcony of his apartment. When we went out there, and he looked at me, I swear I stopped breathing…” This was becoming too much for Kayley, and she couldn’t contain a sob that escaped. Holding her hand over her mouth, she willed herself to stop so she could at least finish. Sobs wafted from the audience as well, as many of their friends and family remembered this.

  “Alex and I were best friends. But, when he looked at me that night, something happened. We stood there, looking at each other, and finally Alex took hold of my hand. He told me that he couldn’t imagine his life without me, that he loved me, and that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I was never so shocked, yet so sure of something at the same time. This was my Alex, my soul mate. He was everything to me. Everyone else had seen it, but us. Well, maybe except me. I never allowed myself to dream that that could happen with us.” Small laughter escaped from the crowd as she talked, which helped Kayley not completely break down.

  “He kissed me, and I couldn’t find any words. I just stood there and looked at him, and he finally laughed and told me to say something. My mouth opened, and the most important words I’ve ever said came out of my mouth. I told him I loved him. At that moment, he went down on one knee and proposed marriage to me. This man, that five minutes ago had been my best friend, was now proposing for me to be his wife. Our families were watching from the sliding glass door as I said yes, and Alex slipped the ring on my finger. We both cried, hanging on to each other for dear life. When he kissed me, I felt like I was in a fairy tale. With Alex, life was always that way. We lived for each other. He was the most patient, loving person I have ever known. He would do anything for me.

  When we found out we were pregnant, Alex cried as much as me. He went out and bought our baby its first outfit. He sang to the baby. He read stories. He talked to the baby. He went to every single doctor’s appointment with me. He painted the nursery, helped me pick out furniture, everything. This man…” Kayley broke off, sobs overtaking her again. Her shoulders shook with the effort of trying to control what she wanted to do—drop to her knees and scream and cry. “He was everything to me. He was my entire life. All we wanted to do was raise our family together, live forever with one another until we were old and gray. Now, our son or daughter will never know…” Kayley stopped. She breathed in and out, trying to steady herself. You could audibly hear crying from the audience. “He will never know our child. We’ll never get to have that family. As much as he loved me, and our unborn child, he will never get to hold our baby. He will never get to see our son or daughter grow up. He will never get to read stories, or coach a soccer team. He will never tell me he loves me again!” Kayley shrieked the last line, unable to control the emotion that overtook her.

  Alex’s mom took the short steps to the podium. She wrapped Kayley in her arms and they both sobbed. “Alex,” Kayley whimpered into her mother in-law’s shoulder. “Why, Alex, why?” The baby in her womb kicked and stretched, further reminding her of Alex’s absence.

  “Everything looks good, Kayley. Baby is on track and ready to come whenever,” Dr. Moore smiled as he finished examining her. Kayley wanted to smile, she really did, but all she could notice was the emptiness of the room without Alex there. As if he realized what she was thinking, Dr. Moore’s face became more serious. “Kayley, how are you holding up?”

  Kayley breathed in and out, forcing herself to keep the tears at bay. It had been two weeks, yet it wasn’t getting any easier to acknowledge that she was essentially alone now. Yes of course she had her family and Alex’s, but at the end of the day- it was just her. “I’m surviving, Dr. Moore. That’s all I can say.”

  Dr. Moore put his hand on hers and his grey eyes softened. “Kayley, I know this has to be incredibly difficult for you. Please make sure you take care of yourself, and talk to someone. If I can do anything to help, please let me know.” Kayley nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Everyone wants to help, she thought, but no one can help me with what I want- Alex.

  She dressed quickly and exited the doctor’s office, wanting to get home. She knew that they baby could come any day now, and as happy as that should make her, it made her horribly depressed. It was bad enough that she had to live without Alex, but now her baby had to live without him, too. She drove home, on autopilot. Arriving at home, she sat in her car for a few minutes and just looked at their house, the house that Alex had bought for their growing family. It was a small three bedroom, 2 bathroom house in a great family friendly neighborhood. It had a fenced in yard and was right down the street from what would become their child’s elementary school.

  Kayley walked inside the house and put her purse down on the kitchen counter. She looked at the stack of mail that continued to mount on her counter and sighed. She walked out of the kitchen and into their cozy family room with the huge flat screen TV that Alex insisted they needed. The walls were covered with their pictures- engagement photos, wedding photos, snapshots with friends and family, and of course, the most recent pregnancy photos. Kayley ran her fingers along Alex’s face and allowed the tears to fall that had been threatening since the doctor’s office. How can I do this? She wondered. I cannot make it through the days. I can’t eat or sleep. All I can do is cry over him. Will I ever get better?

  She walked down the hall and stopped at the baby’s room. The door was shut. She put her hand on the doorknob and pushed it open. Soft, plush carpet padded her feet as she walked towards the crib. The crib that had arrived five days after Alex died sat against the wall. Kayley couldn’t even look at it then—her dad had to come by and put it together for her and her mom had to force her to set up the room. Now, the room looked cheerful and ready for a new baby. The crib had gender neutral bedding, a mobile, and a cozy rocking chair. The closet was full of baby clothes, from onesies to sleepers to cute little outfits. A changing table had stacks of d
iapers and wipes already inside it. Everything was ready. Except Kayley.

  Kayley ran her fingers along the soft clothes in the closet. She put her hand on her stomach and felt her baby moving slowly around. “I love you,” Kayley whispered. “I will always take care of you. Your Daddy loved you so much. I…” she broke off. There were no more words. She sat in the rocking chair and allowed the tears to fall again. Why did she have to live her life without Alex?

  She closed her eyes and allowed the only relief she got to overtake her—sleep. She dreamed the same dream she had had for two weeks now- the last day she ever saw her husband.

  “Kayley!” Alex called across the house.

  “In here!” Kayley shouted, coming out of the baby’s room.

  “What are you doing?” Alex asked, automatically putting his hand on her growing abdomen. He kissed her lips softly and she smiled through the kiss.

  “I was hanging up baby clothes that we got at the shower,” she answered, putting her hand on top of his.

  Alex kissed her once more. “I love you, Kayley Carson. You’re the most adorable pregnant woman I have ever seen.” Kayley rolled her eyes.

  “You’re slightly biased, Alex. I’m fat,” she joked, her eyes sparkling.

  Alex looked horrified. “Don’t you call my baby fat,” he smiled. “You’re breathtaking. I can’t wait to have you pregnant again.” Kayley’s eyes widened and she laughed.

  “One at a time, Alex. Please.”

  He laughed, his bright blue eyes shining with love. “I’m headed out to work, babe. You take care of my baby today, and I’ll see you tonight.” Kayley kissed Alex, getting as close to him as she could with her protruding belly. He responded by pulling her closer, and moaning in her mouth.