Ben laid back and put his arms behind his head, closing his eyes in the bright sunshine. Kayley took the opportunity to look at him again. His sandy blonde hair was blowing with the ocean breeze, the slight curls sticking out. His biceps protruded as he put his arms behind his head. His shirt raised slightly, exposing tanned, sculpted abs before his pants began and she lost visual. As she made her way to his rolled up jeans, she heard a low laugh. She turned to see him propped up on one elbow, watching her. Fire exploded in her cheeks and she turned away, mortified that he had totally just caught her checking him out.
“Tell me about what you were like growing up.” He mercifully did not bring up her being caught staring at his body. “Where are you from, what is your family like, that kind of stuff.”
Kayley breathed out slowly. She could do that. “You really want to hear all this boring stuff?” she asked. Ben nodded. “Okay then. Well, I was born here in Florida. My parents have been married for 33 years. I have an older brother, Kevin, who is 32. He is married to my sister in-law, Cathy, and they have three kids. “Kayley paused to look at him to see if she was boring him yet. He still watched her intently, so she continued. “Their kids are 7, 5, and 3. Two boys and a girl. They live here as well.” Kayley cleared her throat, trying to get back to herself. “I was always a good student, and thought when I was a kid that I wanted to be a teacher because I loved kids. When I got into college though, I had a roommate that was majoring in physical therapy. She took me with her one day when she was volunteering, and I fell in love with it. Now I can do my physical therapy with kids, so that fulfills both parts of me. When I’m not at work, I spend time with Alexis. But before her, I spent a lot of time with Emily. We’ve known each other since we were eight years old. She has a daughter, Cate, who is three, and she’s married to her high school sweetheart. You obviously know her,” Kayley paused, looking at Ben mischievously. He smiled in return and nodded his head.
“I love to go to the beach, go on bike rides through the park, run, and read, though I don’t have time for many of those things anymore, since I’m a single mom…” Kayley trailed off. She had purposely left Alex out of her history, and it gave her a pain deep in her heart.
“Tell me about her,” Ben whispered. Kayley looked at him.
“Alexis?” she asked. He nodded. “Are you sure?”
“Kayley,” he put his hand on hers again. “She’s your whole world. I love kids. Please, tell me about her.” His tender voice made her believe he was sincere. After all, he did bring Alexis a stuffed monkey, and he was a pediatric doctor.
“Alexis is the light of my life. I have no idea what I did without her. When I got pregnant with her, it was a surprise but a good one. Alex and I-”Kayley stopped talking, realizing what she said.
“It’s okay, Kayley. He’s a big part of your life, too. I can take it,” Ben reassured her.
She nodded. “Alex and I were so happy that we were going to be parents. We planned for me to take a year off with Alexis. I had a great pregnancy. A little bit of morning sickness, but overall, I was healthy and so was she. When I was twenty weeks, we opted to not find out what she was, and instead leave it for the birth to find out. Of course, Alex died a month before she was born…” Her voice caught and she tried hard to swallow past it.
“Can you talk about it?” Ben asked, sitting up now so he was looking directly in her eyes.
She had no idea why he wanted to hear about Alex, but it felt good to be talking like this, so she continued. “I had stopped working, since I was a month away from my due date and my job is pretty physical. I didn’t have any health problems but we were prepared for me to be off, so I went ahead and went on maternity leave. I was home, preparing dinner when I got a phone call that forever changed my life. They called me to tell me that Alex had been in a car accident. The next several hours of my life were a complete blur. They tried to save him, but he had been thrown from the car. A drunk driver had hit him going fifty-five miles an hour. He never stood a chance. So, one month before Alexis was born, I lost my husband.” Kayley looked out at the water, remembering the last time she had been at the beach.
“How long had you been together?” he asked, taking out some grapes from the picnic basket and putting them in between them. Kayley grabbed a handful and popped a few in her mouth.
“We became friends our junior year of college, the best of friends. We were in all of our classes together, since he was also majoring in physical therapy. When we graduated, we had never admitted our feelings to one another. That night, Alex professed his love to me and we got engaged. It was rather sudden, but everyone knew it was right. We got married a year later, and we were married for three years when- when,” she stopped, blinking tears from her eyes.
“He passed away a month before you had your daughter. God, Kayley. That is horrible. I am so sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine what you went through.”
“We let Alex go in the water, his ashes,” she whispered. “A month before Alexis’ birthday was the one year anniversary of his death,” she explained. Ben sat, watching her. “When he died, I couldn’t let his ashes go. Even though I knew that he wasn’t in there, it was like saying goodbye to the final part of him. I couldn’t do it. So I kept him on my mantle, until I finally felt like it was time to move on and say goodbye. We gathered at Pike’s Pass, our favorite part of beach, and I let him go there.” Kayley sniffled, remembering the way Alex’s ashes floated through the water and disappeared.
“You’re so brave. I can’t imagine going through that at such a young age.” Ben’s heart swelled with pride for this beautiful girl that had been through so much.
“Thanks for listening to me, Ben. I can’t imagine you really wanted to hear any of that.”
“I wanted to hear all of that and more. I knew you were an amazing person before, but now I’m absolutely convinced. So, tell me more about your little girl. Who is she like? She got your beautiful blonde hair,” he complimented, reaching out and touching a strand of her hair. Kayley smiled, knowing he was trying to help her move on to happier topics.
“She’s amazing. She’s a lot like her dad in personality- she likes things her way, but is also the sweetest, most loving child. She got my hair and her dad’s beautiful eyes, but she looks mostly like me when I was a baby. She literally saved my life. I really believe that. When Alexis was born, I was an absolute wreck. For a while, I barely functioned. My parents came over daily, as well as my brother, sister in-law, and Emily. I was never alone, except at night, and sometimes not even then. I loved Alexis fiercely and wouldn’t let her out of my sight for fear something would happen to her, too. Finally, after a few months I had to force myself to try to be something other than a shell of myself. I went back to work. I started going out with my friends again. I have a hole the size of Texas in my heart, Ben. That’s why I told you what I told you in the hospital. I’ve been down that road before, and I barely survived losing Alex. Then with the scare of Alexis being sick on her birthday, it put me right back to the year before, and I could barely deal with the thought of losing her, too. It’s been two weeks, Ben, and I can’t sleep at night. I stare at her and make sure she’s breathing. I’m a mess. Dropping her off at my mom’s today so I could go to work made me physically ill.”
Having put it all out there, Kayley mentally kicked herself. Too much information, she thought. If he was interested before, he sure won’t be now.
“You’re an amazingly strong woman, Kayley. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for what you have been through. I’m not even someone’s parent but even I would be watching Alexis sleep at night after what you’ve been through. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“So I haven’t scared you away?” Kayley laughed nervously, twirling her hair on her finger. She had told him more in the last few minutes than she had said out loud to anyone except Emily or her mom in a long time. Ben leaned forward, closing the distance between them. She didn’t dare look up at him, kno
wing that the feeling he created in her when he did that was dangerous.
“Quite the opposite,” he breathed, reaching his hand out to lift her chin. Before she knew it, she was looking into those endless cerulean eyes again. Her breath caught in her throat at the look in his eyes. It was the same look he gave her when he knelt next to Alexis’ bed at the hospital. He knew next to nothing about her then. Now, he knew most of her story and was still looking at her like that.
“Ben,” she whispered, her eyes boring into his.
“Kayley,” he whispered back. “You’re so beautiful.” His lips gently touched hers, and she inhaled sharply. Electricity shot through her body, all the way to her toes and back. She shook with the intensity of his kiss, yet it was the softest kiss she had ever received. She found herself kissing him back, and when she felt his tongue slip past her lips, the feelings that erupted in her were too much to bear. She pulled back, gasping. Thoughts of Alex flashed into her mind, and she closed her eyes.
“Ben,” she started, her heart thumping wildly in her chest and her hands shaking.
“I’m sorry, Kayley. I’m sorry,” he knelt in front of her, forcing her to look at him. “I pushed too far. I’m sorry. I just- I had to kiss you. Please, accept my apologies.”
She nodded, trying to steady her traitorous body. “I-I need to go, Ben. I want to go get Alexis.” Ben nodded, packing up the picnic items and the blanket. Kayley watched him, guilt taking over her. What did she do? Why did she let him kiss her? This was Alex’s place, the place where he could be alive forever. How could she come here and do this?
They walked in silence back to Ben’s car. He threw the stuff in the trunk and settled in the driver’s seat. He started the engine, breaking the silence between them. Kayley sighed, it muffled by the roar of the engine, and looked out the window at the patrons on the beach.
“Kayley, look at me,” Ben’s voice was low, but she heard him clearly. She counted to ten in her head and turned her face to look at him.
“I hate that I put that look on your face. I’m sorry, I really am.”
“Ben, it’s okay. I just, I’m not ready for this. It was great of you to come today and have this all set up. It was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a really long time. But, I can’t be what you want me to be. Not now, and maybe not ever.” She turned and looked out the window again, relieved when he finally put the car in gear and headed back towards her office. All she could think about was getting Alexis and going home and trying to put this out of her mind.
Ben pulled into the parking lot and Kayley stifled the urge to burst from the car to get away from him. She picked up her purse from the floorboard and turned to open the door.
“Kayley,” Ben’s velvety voice made her pause with her hand on the door.
“Thanks for everything, Ben,” she said, opening the door and stepping into the warm Florida sunshine. She quickly opened her car door and slid into the stifling interior. As she pulled from the parking lot, she noticed Ben’s car was still in the exact same spot where she had left him.
Ben watched as Kayley pulled quickly out of the parking lot. Way to go, Nichols, he chastised himself. She will never see you again, now. He smiled at the thought of her lips against his, and knew that even though he scared her, it was every bit as amazing as he knew it would be to kiss her. He had wanted nothing more than to do just that since the moment he saw her and her precious daughter in the ER. He was normally a very cautious man, but with her, all bets were off.
In all of his 32 years, he had his share of relationships, some serious, some very casual, and everything in between. He had been hounded by his mother for years about settling down. His excuse had always been that he was in medical school, or a resident, or worked too many hours. After the disaster that was his last relationship, she had finally given up and focused on his little sister Lindsay, now a mom of two adorable little girls.
His phone buzzed and he looked at the screen, hoping for it to be Kayley but realizing just as quickly that she didn’t even have his phone number. When he saw who it was, he silenced the ringer and put it back in his pocket. Dana. He didn’t want to deal with her today, not when he could still feel the softness of Kayley’s lips on his. He couldn’t give up on Kayley- there had to be a way for him to get through to her, to convince her that she could take a chance again on him. Of course, he had no idea how it would feel to lose a spouse, especially right before having a baby. But what he did know so far about Kayley was that she needed to know what a desirable, beautiful woman she was and that being a mom and a physical therapist weren’t the only things that would fulfill her life. Ben turned his car into his driveway and killed the engine. A small smile played on his lips as he pulled his phone from his pocket again and hit the number of the one person he knew would help him in what he had planned next.
Kayley thrashed herself awake, her heart pounding with the dream she was having. What had she been dreaming about? She closed her eyes, willing her heart rate to slow. Turning to her nightstand, she saw that it was just after two in the morning.
Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she reached for her glass of water to soothe her parched throat. Just like that, the dream came flooding back to her, making her tingle.
The dream had been about Ben. She regretted the way she just walked away from him after he was such a sweet gentleman to set up that entire beach date. What was wrong with her? Just because she had guilt over feeling actual feelings for him when he kissed her she had to treat him like a pariah? Well, that would be that. He’d never want to see her again now. Why would he? There were plenty of women out there that would die for a chance with Ben, why would he waste his time on someone who didn’t even appreciate what he had done?
The dream had been them at the beach again, but this time, she hadn’t freaked out and pulled away. She had let him touch her. She had liked it. Really, really liked it. And since it was a dream, she hadn’t been worried about them being watched, since the beach was theirs alone. He had kissed her softly, then urgently, pulling her tightly to him while exploring inside her mouth. She realized that he was a good guy and that it was okay to feel something for him. To explore where this could go. Just as it became even steamier, she had apparently woken up, because she couldn’t remember anything else.
She knew that she was being stupid. Ben was a nice guy. All he had done was kiss her. So why in the world was it so hard for her to accept that she could have a friendship with him? Settling back in her bed, her heart calm, she drifted back to sleep with conflicting feelings of Ben and Alex swirling through her mind, falling back into her dream.
Kayley sat at the beach, looking out at the waves. She looked around, realizing Ben was no longer there. She called his name, and she heard Alex’s voice in response. Turning around slowly, her pulse quickened. How in the world could she be hearing Alex’s voice? And where was Ben?
“Alex?” Her voice was shaky, unbelieving. There was no way that she was now seeing Alex as well. He walked towards her, his dark hair blowing in the breeze. She opened and closed her mouth, unable to ask the million questions running through her mind.
“So beautiful,” Alex crooned as he reached her. She blinked, knowing this couldn’t possibly be real. “I’m here to tell you something.”
Kayley looked around again. “I-I don’t understand, Alex. How did- how am I seeing you?”
Alex stepped closer, and she looked into the blue eyes she thought she’d never see again, the same eyes that their daughter shared with her dad. “It’s okay, Kay.”
“W-what is?” Tears filled her eyes. Alex stood close to her, but never touched her.
“Move on,” he said softly, a smile crinkling his eyes.
Kayley stared. “Move on?”
“I will always love you,” Alex murmured. “But, I can never come back. Move on, Kayley. Be happy. Give our little girl a family.”
Kayley shot up out of bed, her heart pounding. She just saw Alex. Did he really j
ust tell her to move on, or was her overactive imagination making things up? It felt surreal, having a dream where Alex came to her right after having the dream about being with Ben at the beach. It was almost like it was the same dream, continued from Ben to Alex. Was he really trying to tell her something, or was her mind just working overtime?
Giving up on sleep, she walked to the kitchen, her mind swimming with thoughts of Ben, Alex, and feelings that she didn’t understand.
“So what do you want to do for your birthday?” Emily asked, pushing Cate on the swings. Kayley pushed Alexis in the baby swing, listening to her squeal as the height tickled her tummy.
“Higher, Mommy, higher!” Cate giggled, causing Emily to push her higher.
“Can I forget it’s my birthday?” Kayley groaned. “I’m not looking forward to it.”
Emily snickered. “Why? We aren’t going to stop claiming numbers until we reach twenty-nine.”
“Why don’t we do something quiet with all of our friends?” Kayley suggested, rolling her eyes at Emily. She acted like they were so far off of that.
“Done,” Emily said. “My house- Saturday night. Bring your bathing suit. I’ll have Trev grill out and get my Mom to keep Cate. Will you be okay with Alexis staying with your parents?”
Kayley picked Alexis up out of the swing, kissing her on the head. It had been a month since she was released from the hospital, and she was doing great. “Of course. Mom will love keeping her for the night.” Alexis took a hold of her hand and pulled her towards the slide and Kayley followed.
“Have you seen Ben again?” Emily caught Cate as she came down the slide, moving over to give Kayley room to catch Alexis.
Kayley’s breath caught at the mention of him. She didn’t like it when Emily brought him up, and she did so often. “Emily,” she started. “I cannot get into a relationship with Ben. He’s hot, yes, and a doctor, and on top of all that, is a really nice guy. But just thinking about dating him makes me feel so many things…” she trailed off, concentrating on breathing so she didn’t cry.
Living Again Page 8
