This Savage Heart

by Patricia Hagan

  "Stay back!" Derek yelled, hoping he could be heard.

  He stretched out his right arm, and his fingertips touched a flailing hand. He jerked her to him. Holding her neck in the crook of his left arm, hearing her desperate gulps for air, he shouted, "The river bends just below here. We'll let the current take us in. We should touch ground soon. Stretch your legs. Feel for it."

  Gasping, she struggled, choking now and then, for she had gone under once and swallowed a great deal of water.

  They were swept along, the river apparently playing with them. They were tossed and rolled like twigs. "The bottom!" Derek suddenly cried. He pushed forward with all his power. Then, when the water had subsided to chest level, he pulled Julie into his arms and carried her through the water and up the bank. Gently, he laid her down on the ground.

  Julie coughed and gasped, her body convulsed by a deep chill. Derek knelt beside her, running his hands over her to feel for broken bones. "Are you all right? Do you hurt anywhere?"

  She shook her head and gasped, "I'm just out of breath. I must have swallowed a lot of water when I went under. The wagon turned over."

  Faintly, from far away, Myles's voice reached them. Cupping his hands around his mouth, Derek hollered that they were both safe but would have to wait until daylight to return to the others. He turned back to Julie. "Stay here. I'll try to find some kind of shelter for the night."

  Trembling with fear and cold, Julie lay there as he moved away, deep into the darkness. A little later he returned and carried her to the shelter of an overhanging ledge. She watched his huge shadow as he moved about, gathering wood, building a fire, the ledge sheltering them from the howling wind. She waited for him to unleash his anger at her, but instead, once he had the fire going, he said casually, "Take off your clothes, Julie."

  She drew her knees up to her chest. "I'll do no such thing!"

  As though addressing a child in the throes of a tantrum, he said patiently, "You can't sit there all night in wet clothes. I'll put your things by the fire, and they should be dry before long."

  He stepped into the shadows and soon reappeared. In the firelight, he was naked.

  "Why are you embarrassed?" he grinned. "We were marooned on an island once, and we frolicked naked for quite some time. You didn't mind then."

  "That was then," she snapped, not really knowing what to say. "Things have changed. Or maybe they never were the way we thought they were. Maybe everything just seemed the way we wanted it to be."

  He shook his head wearily. "Don't you think you've caused enough problems for one night? Thanks to you, we're stuck here, wet and cold, and a big storm is about to break. We've got to try to get back across in the morning, come snow or rain or hell frozen over. Now take off your clothes so we can get them dry."

  "There wouldn't be this trouble if you hadn't tried to keep me from taking my wagon across," she said bitterly. "You hated my having my own wagon, and you didn't think I could handle it."

  "You couldn't," he pointed out brusquely, "so now it's gone. I just hope the horses made it across all right. We can't look for them in the dark. I tried to tell you all along that a woman isn't capable of handling a wagon and a team on such a rough journey. You've destroyed a good wagon, held everyone up, and damned near gotten yourself drowned. Now take off your clothes!"

  He was right. Julie began to work the buttons on her dress, but the cloth was soaking wet and her fingers were numb and stiff. Finally, she had peeled everything off. She handed him her clothes, covering her breasts with her arms. Then she shrank farther into the shelter of the overhang.

  Derek stretched the wet things out near the fire. She hated herself for the rush she felt at the sight of his naked magnificence. She had always thought his body a sculpture of proud, masculine flesh, and the sight of it again flooded her with memories of glory she'd known in those strong arms.

  His back to her, he murmured, "You're going to have to come close to the fire, Julie, and get warm."

  She was already quite warm from looking at him, but she was determined he would never know that.

  He sighed. "Julie, you know me well enough to do better than that. When I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it. Now get over here, or I'll drag you."

  She stepped toward the warmth of the fire. "What do we do now?" she said icily, giving her braids an angry toss. The nerve of the man!

  He held out his arms to her, his handsome face mirroring amusement. "You are going to lie next to me, so we can keep each other warm."

  He laughed softly at her astonishment. "Don't worry, I'm not going to seduce you. We're going to sleep, Julie."

  Blast him, his arms did look so inviting. There was nothing to do but walk over and lie down beside him. Arms still folded across her chest, she turned her back against him, lying spoon-fashion. He wrapped himself around her, his thighs beneath her buttocks, and held her close. When his lips touched her ear and she felt the warm tickle of his breath, she began trembling.

  He pulled her closer still and whispered, "Julie." When she went rigid, he said, "It doesn't have to be this way, misty eyes."

  She struggled in his grasp. "Please. Just leave me alone, Derek. I just want morning to be here quickly. Please."

  His voice was strangely sad as he said, "When I was a kid I'd go to bed real early on Christmas Eve, wanting to fall asleep quickly so the night would hurry and be over. I wanted to wake up and find Christmas. But you know, that was the one night of the year sleep wouldn't come, because I was so excited." He pressed his lips gently against her ear and whispered, "You always were stubborn, Julie."

  She felt the heat of his desire, and it was agony. She prayed for sleep and was furious when it did not come. When she heard Derek's even breathing, knowing that he was able to sleep, she was even angrier.

  The night wore on, and Julie lay awake. Several times she tried to move from Derek's arms, but at her slightest movement, he gripped her harder, holding her tightly against him as he slept. And all the while she was tormented by wanting him, yearning beyond endurance for the very man who held her close against him. She wanted to feel him inside her, to know once again the joy he had given her before.

  She blinked back her tears. She could not give in to her yearnings no matter how painfully they seared her. Not now, and perhaps never again. For she acknowledged that Derek Arnhardt could never love her—not in the way she needed to be loved. She needed to be loved completely. He was not capable of giving all of himself to her. Maybe he was incapable of giving everything to any woman.

  She passed what remained of the night watching the fire die out, and holding tightly to her sadness.

  Chapter 2

  They were standing up, both naked, bare flesh touching, the thick, dark down of his broad chest tickling her taut nipples. She stood on tiptoe, and he stooped to allow his erect shaft to slide teasingly between her thighs. A moan of delight bubbled from her arched throat as he touched that fire source between her legs. Hot flames ignited her loins.

  Ever so gently, he lowered her to the ground, moving his body over hers. His mouth crushed her lips, then withdrew a little to tantalize her mouth gently with his tongue. She spread her thighs, bent her knees, and yielded herself. At his first, probing thrusts, her hands groped for his firm, rounded buttocks. How she loved to feel his hips moving while he pounded into her, as waves pound against a shore. She received him, all of him, marveling at the giant roar building within. How beautifully her small body received his magnificence.

  Again and again he pummeled into her, and her buttocks rose to meet him. Her fingers dug into his flesh, urging him on. Never let it end, she cried silently. Never let this moment end....

  "Julie, wake up. Thomas is starting to cross with the horses."

  She looked around wildly, sitting bolt upright. The world was gray and cold. Everything came back in a rush. She shivered.

  Derek was standing several yards away, beyond the sheltering overhang and the embers of the fire. He was dresse
d, his back to her, straining in the dim light of a stormy dawn to see Thomas making his way across the river, leading two horses.

  Snowflakes shimmered above the water before falling to dissolve and die. The storm was just starting. There was time to get across the river and join the others. And, she realized, there would have been time to get her wagon: Derek had been right.

  She scrambled to her feet, pushing at the wild strands of hair, and hurried into her stiff, dried clothes. Derek turned around and gave her a lopsided grin. "That must have been some dream you were having, Julie. The sounds you were making were... Anybody I know?"

  "I don't know what you're talking about," she said flatly, turning away quickly so he wouldn't see her face. She could feel her cheeks flaming. Had she cried out his name? Oh, Lord! If he ever knew of the dreams that came too often, the dreams that tortured her!

  He walked over. Cupping her chin, forcing her to meet his fiery gaze, he said, "Damn it, woman, why do you have to be so stubborn? What we had was good—and you know it. I can feel the longing in you. I see it in your eyes. You were dreaming about me just now." He paused to take a ragged breath before continuing, "I dream, too, Julie, and I'm not ashamed of it. I admit that I want you more than I've ever wanted any woman. Why do you deny us?" He gave her a gentle shake, then released her. She said nothing, and a long silence enveloped them.

  "Julie, damn it, answer me!" Derek commanded angrily. "We haven't talked since we had that fight-"

  "There's nothing to talk about." She cut him off in a weary voice. "We argued because you thought we were going to pick up where we left off—in bed. It can't be that way. It won't be. I won't let it. It's not enough."

  "I've never lied to you, Julie," he said quietly. "I told you I never intend to marry, no matter how beautiful or pleasurable I find a woman, and I find you both. I have told you that I desire you more than I've ever desired any woman, that I want to keep you with me always. More than that I can't give. That has to be enough."

  "Well, damn you, Derek Arnhardt, it isn't enough!" she exploded, jerking away from him. "I won't be any man's mistress. Who do you think you are, expecting it? I'm not some... some trollop."

  "I happen to care for you a great deal," he told her simply. "And I believe I can make you happier than any man you could marry. Marriage doesn't make for happiness forever. Look at the couples on our wagon train. Some are completely miserable. They don't love each other. Maybe they never did, but if they ever did, the love is dead now. Yet they're stuck with each other for the rest of their lives. They have children. Their lives are interwoven now whether they want it that way or not.

  "That wouldn't happen to us, not my way. I'd work at making you love me, because I'd know you could leave me anytime. We wouldn't take each other for granted. Our love would never die away to ashes like that dead fire over there."

  "Some married people are happy," she countered. "Myles and Teresa are happy."

  "They just got married a few months ago! But maybe they're going to be different. For their sake, I hope so." He took a deep breath. "You love me, Julie. I know you do. And I know you're not a trollop. You're a lady. If I've ever made you feel like less, I'm so sorry. Lord knows I taught you what it means to be a woman." He grinned.

  "Yes, you did," she agreed. "I won't deny it, I love for you to make love to me. But, Derek, that's not all there is to life. And understand one thing right now...." She glared at him. "I'm not husband-hunting. I don't believe a woman can't make it without a man. I'm going out west to start a new life—for myself. If somewhere along the way I fall in love with a man and he falls in love with me and we want to marry, fine. But that is not my great need in life. Can you understand that? Or are you too conceited not to think every woman wants to marry you?"

  He smiled, slowly and infuriatingly. "Now that we understand each other so well, why don't you move into the supply wagon and be my mistress, at least until we get to Arizona? We've got a lot of long, cold nights ahead of us, Julie."

  When she remained silent, he decided to smooth over that last ill-considered remark. "At least let's be friends," he offered with a faint smile.

  She drew away. "Derek, I don't think you know me at all," she said through a veil of tears. "I'm not the same woman I was during the war years. I'm stronger now."

  He shook his head. "No, Julie, you're wrong. You're weaker now. When the war started you were strong, but it left you weak. You're afraid, afraid to be a woman... and goddamn it, I pity you more than I can say."

  He walked away, then suddenly turned and murmured, "Your eyes really are misty now. You can't lie about it, can you, Julie?"

  She blinked back the tears as best she could.

  A few minutes later, Thomas came ashore, waving and calling. After dismounting and turning the horses over to Derek, he rushed over to Julie. "Are you all right? Damn! You had us scared to death! A fool stunt that was! Your horses made it ashore, thank goodness, but your wagon's gone. Myles is fit to be tied. You can bet he'll have plenty to say to you. And poor Teresa, we thought she'd never stop crying."

  She was sorry Teresa was upset, especially in her condition. "I didn't want to lose my wagon," she told Thomas feebly. "But I did. I'm sorry I caused everyone trouble."

  "Let's go," Derek called. "The snow's getting thicker. We've been lucky so far."

  Julie started toward Derek, but Thomas caught her arm and drew her back, to speak to her alone. He whispered hoarsely, "Julie, you know how I feel about you, how I've always felt. Last night, did you and Derek...?" He swallowed hard, forcing himself to ask, "Did you make up?"

  "Nothing has changed, Thomas," she said firmly, meaning both that she and Derek had not been lovers and that there was also no chance for a love affair between her and Thomas. Thomas was a dear, and she loved her wonderful cousin and friend, but there could not be more between them.

  He nodded sadly, understanding, and said tightly, "Let's get going. The snow is really getting bad."

  They reached the other side easily enough, and Myles lifted Julie down from the horse. Shivering with cold, she gratefully accepted the warm blanket Teresa held out to her, giving her sister-in-law a guilty look. They hurried to the camp fire, which hissed irritably against the assault of the snow. Julie nodded in silent agreement as Myles admonished her for her foolishness, interjecting apologies whenever he paused for breath. She was grateful for Teresa's smiling presence. Julie had done what she felt she had to do. Teresa understood that.

  Others gathered around, some condemning by their stares. A wagon train, understandably, didn't welcome unnecessary trouble. Julie appreciated that. But what was done was done. She was sorry and hoped they knew it, but it was she who had lost her wagon and supplies. Surely that was punishment enough?

  The train was much smaller than when they'd left Brunswick in the fall. There'd been fifty wagons then. God, what a sad lot they'd been, gaunt, bedraggled soldiers, spared the further agonies of war only because of their wounds. The women grieved for the past and feared the danger ahead. Many had fallen by the wayside, unable to continue the treacherous journey. Some, like Teresa's grandparents, had succumbed to illness. Julie had wept at the graves of all of them, and the people who remained were dear to her. She counted twenty-six wagons in the snowy mist. She did not want her friends angry with her.

  "Julie needs dry clothes," Teresa interjected as Myles continued his censure.

  "All right," he said sighing, giving his sister a hug to let her know she was forgiven. "Just please, in the future, obey the rules—whether you like them or not. Okay?"

  Julie nodded and went with Teresa to their wagon. Inside, she gratefully accepted a dress of thick wool, then reached eagerly for the tin of hot coffee Teresa offered.

  After a few quiet moments, her sister-in-law shyly began, "I am so very sorry for what you had to endure, Julie, and I'm thankful you're safe. Don't be hurt by what Myles said. He's just upset because he was so worried. But he'll get over it, and so will everyone else."
r />   "Everything he said was true. It was stupid of me."

  "What about Derek?" Teresa asked hesitantly. Julie glanced up sharply, and Teresa said hastily, "I mean, was he very angry?"

  Julie nodded.

  "He didn't hesitate to jump right in that icy water," Teresa rushed to explain. "He pushed everyone else out of the way."

  "He's wagon master. That's his job."

  Teresa, gathering her nerve, stated flatly, "It was more than that, and you know it. Forgive me if I'm interfering, but Myles has told me about you and Derek. It makes me sad to see you so unhappy. Is there no way the two of you can... can...?"

  Blinking furiously, Julie gulped the coffee, then set the empty tin aside. "No. Derek is a strange man, Teresa, and I doubt he'll ever love any woman enough to marry her. I can't accept less."

  "But he loves you!" Teresa cried. "The way he looks at you! And he didn't hesitate to risk his life to save you."

  Julie gazed at Teresa. She loved her, loved that gentle, sensitive, trusting person. Suddenly, she felt the need to confide, and she told her, "Derek wants me to be his mistress. I refuse, Teresa. As much as I love him, I won't accept that.

  "Besides," she added tartly, "I can survive without a man."

  "Even in the wilderness?"

  "I won't marry a man just to take care of me, either. I will marry only for love, and..." She fell silent, staring at Teresa in wonder. "You aren't shocked that he asked me to be his mistress?"

  Teresa laughed and shook her head. "Not at all. From what I've seen of Derek Arnhardt, I believe he would want a mistress instead of a wife. Now, Myles might be shocked and angry that he would ask such a thing. But I'm a woman, Julie, and even though I love your brother with all my heart, I can appreciate the fact that Derek is quite a man. Frankly, I don't see how you can refuse him. I imagine he'd really know how to make a woman feel like a woman."

  There was a long pause before Julie said, "Now I'm the one who's shocked. I've always taken you to be so prim and proper."