This Savage Heart

by Patricia Hagan

  Julie left Sujen to the task of the horses while she ran into the wagon for weapons. There were five Henry .44 rifles, confiscated from Arlo's cache, and two pistols, Starr Double-Action Army .44s.

  Derek's face appeared at the rear of the wagon. "You remember how to use the guns?" he asked, cursing himself for not asking before.

  "I don't think I'll have any problem with the rifles, but these pistols—"

  "Save them for close range. Get the rifles loaded and then come down here." He grabbed the ammunition box and pulled it toward her, then disappeared.

  Julie joined the other women, who were positioned behind a square barrier made of boxes and barrels, in the middle of the circle. Derek had told them their job would be to keep the rifles loaded. As each man emptied his, he would toss it down to them and take a loaded one.

  Julie hurried to take Myles's baby from Louella, who was juggling him as well as her own infant. Derek roared, "Hand the small babies over to the older children. You women keep busy loading those rifles. That's all that matters!"

  Colby Bascomb rushed up to give his wife some guns, and she asked him if he thought the Indians would attack the whole train. Colby nodded. "The captain said he spotted two Indians watching us from above the pass. They could have massacred us right there. I don't know why they didn't."

  "Sujen know why."

  Everyone within hearing turned to stare at Sujen.

  She declared softly, "Cochise delights in torturing his victims. I have heard this said many times. He watches us as we make ready. He is confident he will overpower us, so he takes his time."

  Esther screamed indignantly, "We might have known you'd take their side! Why don't you go join your murdering friends? It's probably you they're after, anyway."

  Sujen blinked, then understood what she was saying. "Sujen not Chiricahua. They maybe take me for slave and not kill, but they do not come to get me. How could they know I am here?"

  "You... you probably sent up smoke signals," Esther blustered, knowing she sounded ridiculous.

  "Esther, please," Julie murmured. "We've other things to do."

  The bickering ended as Derek joined the group, looking calm and unruffled. Only Julie, who knew him so well, could discern the hint of fear in those dark eyes. He glanced briefly, silently, at the dazed Elisa, his brow knit in vexation, then beckoned to Julie. She walked away with him, so the others couldn't hear them.

  The distant mountain range was shadowed in the purple of early evening. It looked like a painting, but it wasn't a painting, this desert wilderness. It was an arena of death.

  "It's bad," Derek told her, his gaze sweeping their pitiful little compound where the men were taking up their positions, lying down on their bellies behind barrels and anything else they could find. "It's almost sundown. They won't attack at night. They have some idea about their gods not being able to find their spirits if they're killed in the dark. Dawn will be another story."

  Julie leaned against him. "So we're just waiting to die?" she asked bitterly.

  He gave her a fierce shake. "Don't talk like that. Don't give up on me. We're going to fight. Do you hear?"

  She nodded. Of course. She would be brave—for him, for Darrell, for herself, but her courage felt like a very small thing.

  "Right now I need your help. I want you to see if you can do anything with Susanna Jeeter. Bobby Ray was killed and she saw it happen. Give her a drink of whiskey and see if you can calm her down. There's no time for tears, not now."

  No time for tears. The words echoed in her mind. No, there would be no time for crying in the hours to come... but there would be time later. "What about Myles?" she forced herself to ask, fearing the answer. "Is there any chance he's alive?"

  "A very good chance. He must have left early in the night and had several hours' start on Thomas. There's no telling where he is, but I've a feeling he's safe." Then he looked down at her, eyes hungrily, lovingly devouring her face. "I'm not going to let you die. Or the baby. I'm getting the two of you out of here somehow."

  Julie's words were drowned out by the sound of shouting, and they looked around to see Daughtry Callahan running out of the compound, waving a white flag. His face was frozen in a ghastly grin of hope. Derek yelled for him to stop, but he kept on going.

  "Let him go, Arnhardt," Colby Bascomb cried. "We're giving up. We'd rather be slaves to the Indians than be killed and scalped!"

  "You fools!" Derek started running toward the compound. "The Indians don't want slaves, they—"

  There was a piercing scream, and all eyes locked in horror on Daughtry Callahan as he fell backward, two arrows piercing his chest, one in his heart. His wife tried to break away from the men holding her, then collapsed on the ground.

  "Here they come!" Derek's voice rang above the chaos as the Indians made their first charge. "Every man to his post! You women take cover and get ready to load the guns!"

  So! They weren't going to wait for morning! They would fight in the dusk.

  Julie scrambled to join the others, praying that Darrell was safe, feeling a wave of relief as she saw Sujen crouched behind a barrel, both babies held tightly against her bosom.

  The men began firing, and soon empty rifles were tossed to the women, freshly loaded ones tossed back. The Indians were circling the wagons, screaming. Their arrows filled the air. One fell, then another. Julie looked up long enough to calculate that there were a hundred Indians—and the wagon train numbered only eleven men, thirteen women, and some teenagers and children. Was there no chance, no chance at all?

  Suddenly flames lashed skyward as a fire arrow pierced canvas. Someone started toward it, and Julie recognized Frank Toddy, knew the wagon was his. Derek shouted for him to get down, but he kept going until an arrow struck him through his right eye and he pitched forward with an agonized scream, his body jerking in spasms until death took him.

  Everyone kept working, the tasks of firing and loading giving the mind something to concentrate on. Madness would surely have taken over without those tasks. They were doomed, and they knew it.

  "They're leaving," someone shouted above the clamor. "They're going back to the pass!"

  Martha Toddy scrambled from the barricade and ran to her husband, falling beside him in a sobbing heap. One of the men went over to pull her away, gently explaining there was nothing to be done. They all had to stay under cover till the captain told them it was safe.

  Moments later, when the Indians had gone, Derek waved everyone around him, horrified by the desolation in their faces. These were the same buoyant spirits he had led from Georgia, a lifetime ago. As he looked at them now, it was as though some inner light had been extinguished. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he told them, "We have until morning. They left because it's dark, and they don't like to fight at night. At dawn they'll be back, and then they won't quit until we're all dead."

  "Well, goddamn it, man, do something!" Colby Bascomb shrieked. "We ain't just gonna sit here and wait to die."

  "We aren't," Derek told him soberly. "You are going to leave now and ride due north to Fort Bowie and bring soldiers back."

  "Me?" Colby echoed weakly, glancing around nervously, retreating a few steps. "Why me? They'll get me, like they got Carrigan. I got a wife, a family...."

  "Everyone here has a family, Bascomb," Derek pointed out icily. "No one wants to go, but someone has to."

  "Yeah?" Colby was blinking furiously, daring anyone to call him a coward. "Well, what about you, Captain? Seems to me you got us in this mess, and you ought to be the one to risk your ass out there."

  The other men chimed in, mostly agreeing, a rumble going through the stillness.

  Derek looked at each in turn, then said, "All right. I'll ride out and leave you to fend for yourselves, if that's what you want."

  Elisa Thatcher stepped forward. "No! You can't leave us. You're our only hope. If you go, we won't have anyone to lead us." She waved her arms beseechingly at the others. "You can't let him go. The
re's no one else who can lead us out of here if we make it. No one who knows the way."

  "She's right," someone admitted.

  "Yeah," echoed another. "We got to have Arnhardt. We can spare another man but not him."

  "Go, Bascomb," someone shouted. "Don't be a yeller-belly!"

  Derek waved them to silence. "If he won't go, who among you will volunteer?" he challenged.

  There was silence, then the crowd parted as a tall, thin boy pushed his way through and stood before Derek. Lonnie Bruce Webber, Adam's apple bobbing, announced with all the courage he could muster, "I'll go, Captain. I'm a good rider, and I got a good horse. You draw me a map, show me which way to go, and I'll ride like hell to get there."

  "No! Not my boy!" Esther ran forward to grab him, but he wrestled away from her.

  "It's my decision, Ma," he cried, pushing her away firmly. "I'm the best rider here. You know I am, and I've got the fastest horse by a damn sight. I can make it."

  "Stop cursing," she said automatically, then turned tear-filled eyes on Derek. "Don't you let my boy go. He'll be killed. You can't let him do it."

  "He's going." Lonnie Bruce's father approached. "He wants to go. And he's right, he is a good rider—a damn good rider. He's got a better chance than anybody. And I'm proud of him."

  Lonnie Bruce swallowed hard. "Just give me an idea of which way to go, sir. I'll leave right away."

  Derek placed his arm across the boy's shoulders and led him away. Esther cried harder, and her husband took her to their wagon, trying to soothe her.

  Colby Bascomb melted into the darkness, cowed by the looks of the others.

  Julie felt a hand on her arm and turned to find Sujen beside her, the baby cradled against her chest. Julie took him, kissed his forehead, then asked suddenly, "Sujen, you know about the Chiricahua. Is there a chance they will spare us?"

  Sujen shook her head. "No. They will come at dawn, and we will all die. They never take prisoners, not even babies. The women they will kill last, after the braves have made them pray to die." She saw no reason to lie to her friend.

  Julie swayed, clutching the baby so tightly he whimpered.

  "There is one chance," the Indian girl pronounced.

  Julie waited, not daring to let hope rise.

  Sujen seemed to change in an instant from a young girl to a wizened woman, black eyes hardening, head tilting as though mustering all her defenses to withstand the misery ahead. "I will go to them and ask for refuge. They will take me in, make me a slave. Because no squaws travel with them, they will use me. It will not matter that I am swollen with child, for they are hungry. While they do this, you and the others may escape. It is a small chance."

  Julie was horrified. "No! I won't allow it, and neither will Derek."

  "It is only way I know of," Sujen said stonily. "Only way for you and baby to hide until your pony soldiers come. It must be done."

  Derek approached and Julie explained. "We won't use human flesh to buy our way out of this," Derek said. "No more of this talk, Sujen. Understand?"

  Sujen merely bowed her head and turned away.

  "That... that was a brave thing for her to offer," Julie stammered, holding the baby tighter. But Derek had other things on his mind. He steered her back into the center of the compound, yelling for the others to join them. When he had their attention, he told them, "Tonight I'm taking the women and children out of here, to hide them somewhere."

  "No!" Susanna Jeeter moved to the center of the group. She stood, shoulders stooped, before Derek. Her voice was strong as she proclaimed, "I'll not run away. My husband is dead, and I intend to fight those murdering savages with every breath within me till they kill me, too. And my children will fight. I'll not run, not as long as I've strength to pull a trigger!"

  "I'm not leaving, either, Captain." Louella Bascomb spoke up in a small, weak voice. "I don't reckon I've got a life without my old man, anyway, and I'd just as soon die with him as live without him."

  "I feel the same way," one of the other women said wearily. "We were going to make new lives out there. What good are we without our men? I say, if it has to end, it ends here, with all of us together."

  The women's voices rose together in unison as the men shouted angry protests. Derek watched, listening, until he couldn't stand it anymore and roared, "You're all crazy. If you women stay here, you are going to die here." He allowed his words to sink in before continuing. "Even if the boy reaches Bowie, there's a chance the soldiers won't get here in time anyhow, because the Chiricahua will attack at the first light of dawn."

  Without pausing, he looked down at Julie and commanded, "Tell them. Tell them what fools they are. Tell them you aren't going to sacrifice yourself and the baby."

  When she did not respond, he said it again. "Tell them, damn it."

  She touched the soft down of the baby's head. Oh, God, didn't Derek know that she had no life without him? How could she live without his love when he had taught her that was all there was to live for? Finally, with everyone watching, she whispered tremulously, "I can't, Derek. I can't leave you."

  He closed his eyes against the pain. What could he say?

  Feeling his despair, she asked, "Could you leave me to die, Derek?"

  He squeezed his hands till the knuckles turned white. "I'd step in front of a goddamn arrow and die for you, but I sure as hell wouldn't jump in front of one if you were already dead so I could die with you!"

  Julie heard one of the women gasp. She didn't care who it was. She was too stung by Derek's cold proclamation to care that others overheard her heart breaking.

  "Stay and die here," he told the women furiously. He turned and walked away then, leaving them to their final hours.

  Chapter 17

  Julie had been only temporarily stunned by Derek's harsh candor, for she knew how easily his emotions could erupt, then subside. She stood there with the baby and slowly she realized he was all that was left of her family. She felt a sudden wave of guilt. There was no doubt in her heart that her love for Derek was so overwhelming that life without him seemed impossible. Yet, did she have the right not to protect this child? Who had given her the right to play God?

  God. She lifted her face to the heavens and silently prayed for the strength to do what she knew He would have her do.

  She loved Derek with all her heart and soul and every breath she drew, but she could make it without him—without any man—and by God and by heaven, she would do so if she had to. She looked for Sujen and found her as easily as her shadow. Handing her the baby, she whispered, "See if Louella will nurse him. He'll waken soon, and he'll be hungry."

  Then she hurried after Derek, calling to him as he was about to climb into the supply wagon. Bracing himself for another confrontation, he turned to face her.

  "I will go," she told him resolutely. "Tell me what I should do."

  He started to reach for her, a relieved smile touching his face, but drew back, hating the wall that had sprung between them but knowing it was, for the moment, necessary. "Midnight," he told her. "Get food and water and be ready to leave then. Sujen will go with you. She knows how to trail and can lead you to safety." He knew there were caves among the rocks on the outside of the pass. "You will hide there until it's safe to come out."

  Shivering shook her all the way to her toes. It would be "safe" to come out when the wagon train was completely destroyed.

  "Go now," he said, turning his back. "I've got things to do, and so have you. There isn't much time."

  Neither moved. Suddenly Julie could bear it no longer and threw herself against his back, feeling the rippling of his muscles. "Don't," he commanded gruffly. "Don't make it any worse, Julie. Don't say anything."

  "I must!" Her fingers dug into his arms. "I must tell you how much I love you, Derek, how I wish we hadn't wasted so much time fighting with each other."

  He whirled about to grasp her wrists, holding her. "You always loved me. I knew it from that first night we met on the Ariane. You melted
what you called my heart of iron, just as I melted your heart. You were mine, always mine. Even when you said you hated me, you were lying. You loved me." He shook his head slowly from side to side. "So independent."

  He jerked her roughly against him, bending his head over hers. "You were the strongest, most independent woman I'd ever known, but after you realized you did love me, you lost some of your independence. It wasn't the war that made you weak, it was your love for me. Now you've got to give up that love and find your strength again—and that's what scares you, not the thought of me dying."

  "No, Derek, no!" She shook her head wildly, horrified. "I do love you, and that's why I don't want to leave you. Being alone doesn't frighten me. I know myself. I can make it on my own. But, you see, I don't have the right to let the baby die if there's any way I can help him to live. But no matter what the future brings I will always love you. I'll always be grateful for what we had together."

  His eyes filled with tears as he clasped her tightly against him. "I never thought I was capable of loving any woman, Julie. I did have a heart of iron, but you taught me what it is to let love in. With my dying breath I'll give thanks for having known such love. It'd be so goddamn easy to take you and run and leave these others, but if I deserted them I'd never know another moment's peace." He smiled wryly. "It's an old tradition that a captain goes down with his ship. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't protect these people. So I'll stay here. Let's just be glad we had this time together, rejoice for the good times and not be bitter because it ended before we had a chance to live all the joy we would have had."

  She was overwhelmed. "I can't live without you," she breathed, barely making any sound at all. To find love and then lose it so soon to death! "Derek, please..."

  Derek grabbed hold of his will. "You can live without me," he said firmly. "There's no more time to argue. Be ready at midnight or, so help me, I'll drag you out of here. You are going, Julie."