Promise to Marry

by Jessica Wood

  “Chloe?” came a voice from behind me. “Chloe?”

  I turned to the voice. It was Aunt Betty standing at the opening of the kitchen area and looking at me with concern in her blood-shot eyes.

  “Are you okay, honey? I called out your name several times before you turned around.”

  Her blood-shot eyes! As if someone had just flipped a switch inside me, I leaped to Aunt Betty’s side. “Is my mom okay?”

  The moment I saw her face twist in agony, I knew I didn’t want to hear it.

  “Honey,” she began slowly, “I think you need to sit down for this.”

  I sat down quickly to appease her before blurting out, “Where’s my mom right now?” I searched her face for answers, growing more impatient by the second.

  “Chloe … there’s no easy way to say this, and you’re old enough where I need to just be straight forward with you.”

  “Did she have another rebound? Where is she now?” Panic tightened its vicious grip on me as I tried to hang on to the possibility that it wasn’t what I feared the most.

  But, like many times before, I was wrong.

  “Chloe, your mom passed away this morning.” Her voice was shaky, but the words came out as clear as day.

  Even though I heard her, I just stared at her, unable to process what she’d said. I felt numb and didn’t know how to react to her words.

  “They found her in her apartment this morning when she hadn’t checked in with her sponsor like she was supposed to.” She paused as she wiped the tears from her face. “They said she overdosed on some over-the-counter—” Aunt Betty’s words broke off mid-sentence.

  She threw her arms around me and began to sob uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry, Chloe. I know how much you wanted her to get better.”

  I stood there, unable to move, and watched Aunt Betty weep for her younger sister. I knew I should feel intense pain. I knew I should be sobbing for my loss. I knew I should be reacting to this news about the woman I’d loved the most in this life.

  But I felt nothing.

  “Chloe?” Aunt Betty finally noticed that something was wrong with me, that I hadn’t made a single sound since she’d broken the news. “Are you okay, honey?”

  “I’m fine.” That was the only response I knew how to give. That was how I felt. Fine.

  I couldn’t seem to feel the pain. I couldn’t seem to shed a tear. I couldn’t seem to react at all. The only thing I seemed to be able to feel was the all-consuming numbness that seemed to shield me from the rest of the world.

  ***

  My mom’s funeral was held a week after she’d passed. It was very much like her life: dark, meager, short-lived, and attended by just a few.

  It was a simple ceremony that lasted no more than fifteen minutes from start to finish. In addition to the dense layers of dark, threatening clouds overhead, only Aunt Betty, Uncle Tom, Jackson, Jackson’s father, my mom’s sponsor, and I were in attendance.

  After the casket was lowered into the ground and we’d each thrown our handful of dirt onto the casket, people started to say their goodbyes as the small group started to head back to their cars.

  I purposely lingered behind everyone, wanting to spend a few more minutes in front of the casket alone with her.

  The idea that she was gone, that I would never see her again, that I would never hear her voice again, was something that hadn’t sunk in. It was something my head hadn’t wrapped itself around. It was something my heart hadn’t accepted. It was something my body hadn’t felt.

  “You promised, Mom,” I whispered as I stood over the open grave. “Why did you have to leave me? Did you do it on purpose? Was I not worth living for? You promised you’d get better and I’d move in with you soon. You promised…”

  “Hey, Chloe,” came a voice from behind me.

  I turned and saw that it was Jackson’s dad walking over from where the rest of the group stood talking.

  “Hi, John.” After the years of correcting me, I’d finally gotten used to calling Jackson’s dad by his first name.

  “I’m really sorry for your loss.”

  I just nodded, not quite sure what else to say. I couldn’t tell him that I hadn’t shed a single tear since my mom died, that I hadn’t felt any sadness or anger, that I felt absolutely nothing.

  “I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Jackson mentioned that you didn’t get a chance to see her too often.”

  I frowned. I wasn’t interested in talking about my mom, but I didn’t think there was a polite way to say that.

  “You’re a good kid, Chloe. Even when you first moved in with your aunt and uncle, you were a good kid. I remember thinking what a good influence you were on Jackson, and how much he matured over the years.”

  “Oh. Thanks.” I was surprised by the depth of this conversation. They were more words than we’d ever shared before.

  “Do you know what that means, though?” He waited for me to respond.

  “What?” I asked tentatively.

  “It means that your mom raised you well, and your aunt and uncle continued raising you well. But it’s important to remember that it started with your mom. I can tell that your mom loved you very much and cared about you.”

  “Sure.” I wasn’t convinced by his words. He didn’t know anything about my mom. How would he know if she really cared about me or not?

  As if sensing my doubt, he continued, “I know it might be hard to see, but as a parent, it’s crystal clear to me. Maybe she didn’t always know how to tell you that she loved you, but she showed it in how well she raised you.”

  His words made me think of all the hours my mom had spent teaching me how to think for myself and be responsible. Even when she felt sick from drinking too much the night before, she’d always made time for me and my endless questions.

  “Thank you, John. I think you’re right. My mom was a good mother.” It was a revelation I hadn’t expected to have.

  He reached over and patted my shoulder. “I have no doubt that your mom must have been so proud of you.”

  “Thanks, John.”

  He smiled and nodded before leaving me standing alone in front of my mom’s grave.

  “Jackson’s dad was right, Mom. You were an amazing mom. I wish I had thanked you for everything you’ve done for me. I know it couldn’t have been easy to raise me alone.” I paused and started to feel emotional. “Mom, I’ll miss you so much.”

  Suddenly my legs gave out and I fell to my knees in front of her grave. Then, for the first time in my life, I let go of all the pain, anger, and resentment I’d ever buried inside for my mom. When I let go of all the negative feelings I’d kept inside, tears of pain and loss started streaming down my face as all the fond memories I had of my mom started flooding to the surface. It was as if the floodgates to my emotions opened, and all the tears I hadn’t cried and all the pain that I hadn’t felt came crashing down on me all at once. With every single tear and every ounce of pain, I was finally saying my goodbyes to the woman who loved me more than she’d loved herself.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Spring 1998

  Thirteen Years Old

  “Honey?” There was a soft knock at my bedroom door.

  I glanced up from the TV but didn’t respond.

  “Honey?” Aunt Betty called out to me again. “I brought you some dinner.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I finally said to the door that separated us.

  “Honey, you haven’t been eating all day. You need to try to eat something. You’re going to get yourself sick if you starve yourself like this.”

  I knew she was right. I knew she only meant well. Feeling a little guilty for making her worried, I got up from my bed and walked over to open the door for her.

  Her face brightened and I could almost see her body relax and let out a sigh with relief. “So I wasn’t sure what you wanted to eat. You missed breakfast and lunch, but I made you your favor
ites so you can just eat whatever looks good to you.”

  In her hand was a large tray of food. There was a plate of bacon, hash browns, and sunny-side-up eggs, a bowl of macaroni and cheese, and a plate of her famous chicken pot pie.

  “Thanks, Aunt Betty.” I took the tray from her and set it down on my desk. “You really didn’t have to go through all this trouble.”

  “No trouble at all, Chloe. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” I knew that was more of a question than a statement.

  “Yeah. I’m okay. I’m just still trying to accept the fact that she’s gone.” I frowned.

  She gave me an understanding smile. “I know, honey. I miss her, too. It was just very sudden and she looked like she had been doing great at our last visit, so there was no way we could’ve known.”

  “Aunt Betty?” There was something I’d been wanting to her ask her ever since the funeral last week.

  “What is it, Chloe?” Her familiar, kind face looked more sunken in and tired.

  “Do you think she took all those painkillers on purpose?”

  There was a brief silence as Aunt Betty’s face turned somber. “I,” —she let out a deep sigh— “I think it’s a possibility.”

  I nodded, unable to respond in any other way at that moment. A part of me had thought that Aunt Betty would humor me and tell me my mom wouldn’t have done such a thing, but instead, she told me what she really thought.

  “Do you think if I’d seen her more often, she wouldn’t have…” My voice cracked and I couldn’t finish my question.

  “Oh, honey. Please don’t do this to yourself.” She reached over and pulled me in for a hug. “This did not happen because of you. Your mom has been battling depression since before you were born. Some days she’d be fine, but other days she’d turn to alcohol and drugs to cope. And over the years, it just got worse and worse. There was nothing you could have done. This was her battle that she had to face alone. This was her demon that she’d been facing for a very long time.”

  “I just feel so guilty, though,” I whispered, my words slightly muffled against her chest. “I just keep imagining how alone and sad she must have been to do such a thing, to give up like that, to feel like there was nothing left in this world to live for.”

  “Chloe, listen to me.” She pulled me from her arms to look me in the eyes. “Your mother loved you, very much. You were the most important thing in her life. You have to understand that she probably wasn’t thinking straight when she took those pills. She wasn’t asking herself if there was anything to live for.”

  I knew she was right, but it didn’t seem to matter. Knowing she loved me didn’t bring her back. Aunt Betty stayed with me in my room for another half hour, forcing me to eat at least five mouthfuls of food before she would leave my room. When she finally left me, I felt exhausted and lonely. I realized I didn’t want to be by myself. I didn’t want to spend any more time inside my head where I would just think about my mom and wonder what I could have done differently.

  A part of me wanted to call out to Aunt Betty and ask her to stay with me for a bit longer. But then there was the other part of me that didn’t want to admit that I needed any help.

  But before I could make a decision on what to do, there was a soft knock at my door again.

  “Chloe? It’s me again,” Aunt Betty’s voice came from the other side of the door. “Jackson’s here to see you. Do you want me to have him come up? Or do you want me to send him away?”

  “He can come up. Thanks, Aunt Betty.”

  A few minutes later, Jackson walked in to my room. “Hey.”

  I could tell he was a little nervous. We hadn’t seen each other since the funeral, and other than a few vacations he’d gone on with his parents, it’d been the longest period of time we’d been apart. It wasn’t because he hadn’t tried to see me. He had. But each time he’d stopped by to see me, I’d told Aunt Betty that I wasn’t ready to see anyone.

  “Hi. Thanks for coming to see me.” It wasn’t until I saw Jackson that I realized how much I’d missed him during the last several days.

  He walked over slowly and sat down next to me on the bed. “How are you?”

  I shrugged.

  He nodded as if to say he understood.

  There was a long moment of silence before he finally spoke again.

  “So, I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately.”

  My ears perked up and I slowly looked at him. “Reading? But you don’t really like to read, outside of mandatory school stuff.” I tried to think back to all the times I’d seen him read or mention reading something outside of school-assigned reading in case I was wrong.

  His lips curled into a small smile. “Yeah, I don’t usually. But I wasn’t sure what to do.”

  Understanding what he meant, I rolled my eyes. “Jax, you have other friends besides me to hang out with. And you love watching TV and browsing the internet—”

  “No. No. You misunderstood me,” he interrupted. “I meant I’ve been doing a lot of reading about…well…about what you’re going through right now and how a friend is supposed to help.”

  “Oh.” I was touched by his desire to understand what I was going through.

  He looked down and looked uncomfortable. “Clo, it really kills me to see you so sad, and I just didn’t know what I could do to help you.”

  I shook my head apologetically. “Jax, there isn’t really anything you can do, just like there isn’t really anything I can do.”

  “I know.” He nodded solemnly. “All the things I’ve read said that it takes time, and what you need right now is time.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But I think you need something else as well.”

  “Oh? What’s that?”

  “You need me. You need to be around the people you care about and the people who care about you.”

  His words struck a chord with me, and I knew he was right. When Aunt Betty had left me alone earlier, I knew that was the last thing I had wanted.

  But before I could agree with him, he continued. “I know you, you don’t want people to help you. You want to face this alone because you’re so used to facing life’s challenges on your own. So you never ask for help. But…” His voice cracked. Suddenly he grabbed my hands and looked into my eyes. “As your best friend who loves you more than you’ll ever know, I can’t just stand by and watch you face this on your own. I know you think you want to push me away. I know you think you want to be alone. I know you think you’re in this alone. But you’re wrong.”

  “You’re right,” I finally said.

  “So I’m—what? I’m right?” He was surprised by my admission, and I could tell it was the last thing he’d expected.

  “Yeah.” I paused, realizing how vulnerable I was feeling. “I’ve been really lonely lately.”

  “Clo, you don’t have to be lonely.”

  I nodded.

  “Hey, I have a surprise for you.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You do? What is it?”

  He lifted a bag from beside him and grinned at me. “It’s in here.”

  “Okay…” Confused by what he was about to show me, I watched him take something out of the bag.

  “Come on. Sit down on the floor first while I get this set up.” I could hear the excitement in his voice.

  “Okay, but what are you going to do?” I sat down in the middle of the floor and watched him move around my room.

  “You’ll see in a minute.” He turned off the TV and then my bedroom lamp, leaving only the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling visible in the pitch-black room.

  “Okay…do you need me to do anything?” I asked tentatively.

  “Yeah, lie down on the floor so you’re looking up at the ceiling.” I heard him plop himself down on the floor next to me. “I’m going to lie down next to you.

  “Okay…” I said again, but this time, I couldn’t help but giggle. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but the anticipation of the surprise temporarily lif
ted the heaviness that’d been weighing down on my heart.

  “You ready?” He said next to me on the floor.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  I heard him click something on.

  I gasped at what I saw.

  My entire room suddenly glowed with a kaleidoscope of magical lights that moved across the room.

  “It’s just a rotating disco ball that shines different colors of laser lights. It was the closest thing I could find that might work. It’s my version of a—”

  “Aurora borealis,” I finished his words for him as I stared up at my ceiling in wonder.

  “I know it’s not the real thing and we’re not in glass igloos,” he began softly as he looked over at me, “but I really wanted to—”

  “Jax,” I cut him off with a whisper as I blinked away the hot tears that blinded my eyes. “It’s amazing. It’s better than the real thing.” Our eyes met and I hoped that he could see how grateful I was for this moment—how grateful I was for him in my life.

  “I’m glad you like it, Clo. I wanted to do something that would make you smile.” He spoke in a soft whisper, as if talking louder would make this moment go away.

  “Do you know why I love the sky and the stars?” I looked up at the rich glows of reds, blues, and greens dancing across the off-white ceiling filled with stars.

  “Why?”

  “It’s always been amazing to me to know that the magic of the sky and the stars happens every day. It’s just beautiful and all around us. Sometimes we just have to take the time to notice something to see how amazing it is.”

  “You’re right.” His voice was warm and tender, and from the corner of my eye, I noticed he had turned to look at me. “Once you take notice of that something, you don’t know how you’d ever lived without it.”