Locked In Love

by Louisa Line

  “No,” I start. I’m not sure I like where this conversation is going and I start to sound very defensive in my reply, “But I know he does.”

  “Jess, don’t be like that,” she replies. “I’m just trying to look out for you! You’ve been stuck in this flat for so long. I just don’t want you to latch onto the first person that comes along, especially if they don’t feel the same.”

  I see red at this point. How dare she come here and start to tell me what I have with Steve isn’t real. What does she know anyway?

  “I’m not naïve, Claire. I have done this relationship thing before,” I spit back at her.

  “I’m not saying that, Jess, please let’s not fight.” A tear rolls down her cheek and all my anger has gone.

  I move over to sit next to her.

  “Claire, what’s wrong? Please talk to me,” I ask her unable to hide the worry in my voice.

  “I’m sorry, Jess. I guess I’m trying to convince myself more than I am you.” I don’t really understand but I don’t want to interrupt. Claire obviously has something she needs to talk about so I decide to sit quietly until she is ready to go on.

  We sit in silence for what seems like forever until Claire finally starts to talk.

  “Do you remember Danny?” Claire asks nervously.

  “The druggie?” I ask, trying to remember back. He sticks in my mind as I realise that Claire hasn’t really dated much since him. In fact, I don’t seem to remember anyone since him.

  “Yeah, him. He is still waiting to go on trial regarding the drugs and has been released on bail. They found a load in his house and they are doing him for intent to supply.”

  I sit and hope that she isn’t going to tell me she’s got back with him. I mean, I vaguely remember her saying he was good in bed but surely, he can’t be that good.

  “Claire, please tell me you haven’t got back with…”

  “I’m pregnant!” she blurts out.

  I don’t know how to reply. We both sit in silence. How do you respond when your best friend tells you this? I mean, should I be supportive? Should I be hunting down this Danny and chopping off some vital organs?

  “Are you sure?” Lame, I know, but I really don’t know how I am meant to deal with this.

  Claire chuckles to herself as the tears start to fall.

  “Yes, Jess. I’m sure. The spell in hospital. It was dehydration brought on by my morning sickness. I found out then.”

  “But that was…” I state, thinking back to how long ago it had been.

  “I know and I’m so sorry, Jess. I wanted to tell you but things were going so well for you and you were so worried I didn’t want to make you worry anymore.” The words all come spilling out of her and I don’t know whether to slap my best friend or give her a hug. I settle on the second and hope that it is calming her as much as it is calming me.

  “Do your parents know? Does Danny know?” My mind is filled with so many more questions.

  “Yes. That’s why I’ve been staying with them. They are going to help me with the baby when he or she finally comes. As for Danny, well, he’s a total waste of space. Said he wanted nothing to do with the baby and how did he know it was his, seeing as I had a reputation for sleeping around.”

  “Where does the bastard live? I’ll kill him!” I reply filled with anger but I’m swept up in a hug

  “Thank you,” Claire replies as she cries softly into my shoulder, “This is just what I needed.” She gives me a weak smile before she pulls away.

  “So probably not what you want to hear, but what are you going to do?” I ask. My anxiety is beginning to kick in but I realise that it’s not about me for a change, but about Claire and her situation. I take a moment to realise how great it is to worry about something real for a change instead of the worries made up in my head.

  “I’m going to raise the baby by myself. Mum and Dad have said they will help where they can, but I’m going to do this, Jess. I’ve been given a wonderful opportunity and nothing is going to get in the way of me raising my baby. You know I have always wanted children one day. It’s just that that one day has come a little earlier than I expected!”

  “And Danny?”

  “Wants nothing to do with the baby.”

  “You know I’ll help out any way I can,” I offer sincerely.

  “Well, durrr, this little one is going to need it’s crazy aunty Jess.” This makes us both smile even though I can’t stop thinking about how much both our lives have changed over the last couple of months.

  The rest of the afternoon goes by in a flash and we fall into our old ways of gossiping and catching up. It’s a great afternoon as I finally feel like Claire is being herself around me again and not holding anything back.

  By about six we are all talked out and I can see that Claire is beginning to look a little tired. We are just saying our goodbyes as my front door opens and Steve walks in.

  “Evening, beautiful,” he calls as he walks through the door.

  “Oh, so this is the famous delivery man,” says Claire as she walks over to the door and looks him up and down, “I hope you’re treating my girl good?”

  I blush as I realise Claire is getting ready to go into one of her rants.

  “I am here, you know,” I blurt out not wanting this whole conversation to happen.

  “It’s fine, Jess. So, what are your intentions?” Claire asks

  “I thought you were leaving?” I say pulling her towards the door.

  “Because if you hurt her.” Oh, my god. I think I am about to die of embarrassment.

  “You don’t have to worry. I love her and plan to treat her like a princess.”

  The room goes suddenly very quiet, or maybe the conversation is continuing, but I just keep playing these three words ‘I love her’ in my head. He loves me. But now I don’t know what to do, do I say it back or do I wait. Also, Claire is still stood right in front of me. I try to focus back in on the conversation and from what my brain is registering they seem to have moved on. Something about a drink. I’m not really sure what.

  Suddenly I hear Claire say “Ok Jess, I’ll see you tomorrow.” The next thing I know I am swept into a bear hug by my best friend before she leaves the flat.

  “Hey beautiful, you OK?” he asks with a confused look on his face as I register what he has been saying.

  “Yeah… Did you mean it?” The words are out of my mouth before my filter kicks in.

  “About going out for a drink. Yeah,” he chuckles.

  “What? No. Not that. Do you love me?”

  I’m not given an answer instead I am swept up into his arms and kissed. It’s a kiss that speaks to you and I realise that he doesn’t have to answer as I already know the truth.

  “Did you know it only takes three seconds to fall in love with someone? With you it only took me one.” And with those beautiful words he gently strokes my face.

  I hold onto him even harder and kiss him with all I have. I want him to know that I feel the same way but saying it now seems so inadequate. So, I hope this kiss says it all.

  “Don’t worry beautiful, I know,” he replies, and I know he knows it too.

  There is no more talking after that as he picks me up and carries me to the bedroom and we show each other just how strong our love is.

  Thursday 20th July

  I wake up to a crashing sound in the kitchen. I put on the clothes that had been discarded around the room last night and make my way to the kitchen. I am greeted with the sight of Steve topless standing over the oven making breakfast. I watch from the doorway without him noticing me admiring the view.

  “You could come and help me,” Steve announces as he turns around.

  “But I like the view from here,” I say playfully resting my hip on the doorframe. He gives me one of his panty-wetting smirks.

  “It’s a good job I love you,” he replies as he turns around to finish the pancakes that are in the pan.

  “It’s a good job I love you too,”
I reply as I take in the mess he has made of my kitchen, “since I’m going to be spending most of my day tidying up after you.” I try to give a sexy, flirty smile back.

  “I can think of so many better things to do with our day. But if you want to tidy,” he sighs.

  “What do you have in mind?” I say trying to look sexy.

  Within seconds the oven is off and I am being pinned against the kitchen wall.

  “How about we start with this?”

  Steve starts to kiss the corner of my mouth and then moves across my cheek and along to just above my neck finding the exact spot that has me moaning for more.

  “That will work,” I say breathlessly, as he removes my top.

  “Then we can move onto this,” he kisses down my neck and along my collar bone and I swear if I wasn’t pinned against the wall I would be a giant puddle on the floor.

  “Mmmm,” I moan as he starts to move towards my breast with his mouth. Then his hand finds the one not being spoilt by his mouth.

  Then I hear a flustered female voice. “Hi, I brought…Oh. Shit. Sorry. I’ll just. Other room, got it!”

  I guess we were both a little too pre-occupied to hear Claire coming through the door. It’s a sure-fire way to kill the mood though as I am suddenly released and Steve goes back to the oven.

  “I’m making pancakes. Do you want some Claire?” Steve shouts into the living room.

  “Er, did you start them before or after your little make out session?” she asks with a nervous laugh.

  “Does it matter?” I shout back.

  “Yes! I don’t want my pancakes to have seen that!” Claire shouts back. Then Claire and I both burst out laughing as Steve looks on bemused.

  “Go and sort your friend out!” Steve says, passing me my top as he spins me around and pushes me in the direction of the living room smacking me playfully on the bum as I go. “I’ll cook some fresh just for her,” he says shaking his head in disbelief as I leave the room.

  Breakfast was great. We all sat in the living room and chatted while we ate as Claire and Steve finalised the details of the drinks they were going for when Steve met her later. I couldn’t help but wonder if we would ever be able to do that as a couple. After breakfast, Steve left for work, as he had been called in due to a colleague’s sickness, and Claire and I sat looking online at baby stuff. I was adamant that as ‘Aunty Jess’ I had to be the first to get the little bean something nice, which also meant I had to get the mummy something nice as well.

  “What colour shall I get it in?” I ask as we look at a cute little mitten and hat set.

  “I don’t mind green, yellow, get whatever you want.”

  I decide to go for both.

  “So, what are you going to do about the birth certificate?” I ask timidly, fearing this conversation won’t end well.

  “I don’t know, Jess,” she replies as she throws her hands in the air exasperated. “I mean what if he changes his mind and wants to be there for me and the baby?”

  “What? From prison?” I question wondering where this is coming from, “Claire, you don’t still like him, do you?”

  “No! But he is the father,” she replies a little too quickly.

  “Oh, my, god, you do!”

  “I’m not having this conversation, Jess. Just drop it,” she says defensively.

  “Claire, please,” I plead trying to make her see sense, “He borrowed money from you for drugs and not a small amount either if what you told me yesterday is correct.”

  “What’s your problem, Jess. I said drop it.” She gets up and grabs her coat. “I need some air,” she continues as she walks to the door and leaves, slamming it shut.

  I stare at the door not really knowing what to do. I feel bad that I’ve upset her but also incredibly frustrated that she hasn’t learnt her lesson. It’s always been a flaw of Claire’s character that when she falls for someone she falls hard, no matter how inappropriate he is.

  Since I was meant to be spending the day with Claire I now find myself at a loss. I go back online and order far too much stuff for the new baby and Claire as the guilt of upsetting her hits me hard. Next, I send her a text apologising. Then I busy myself tidying up the kitchen while I wait for a reply.

  It’s nearing six when I finally hear my phone beep with an incoming message. I rush over hoping to hear from Claire, but am pleasantly surprised when I see it’s actually from Steve.

  Steve: Just waiting at the bar for Claire. Hope you have a good night. xxx

  I guess I should tell him what happened since I think it’s highly unlikely that Claire is going to turn up now following the argument we had earlier but just as I’m about to, Steve texts again.

  Steve: She has just turned up. See you later beautiful xxx

  Oh, right, so she can turn up to see Steve, but can’t be bothered to reply to the texts I’ve been sending her all day. I think about sending her an angry message but think better of it and instead send one to Steve.

  Me: Say hi for me. Have a great night xxx

  Well I guess it’s a party for one this evening! I try and keep myself busy, but my mind keeps going to places I don’t want to think about. What are they doing? How are they getting on? And I know I shouldn’t be worried but Claire was always much more popular than I was and what does Steve really see in me anyway? I know, deep down, I’m being stupid, but sometimes with these conditions that I have, I have no control over where my thoughts go.

  Feeling fed up and completely stressed out, I decide to try and relax in the bath and have an early night. I go to the bathroom and start the bath as a message sounds on my phone. I leave the bath running and go to see who it’s from.

  Steve: Claire is a little upset, so going to take her for a bite to eat. See you later, beautiful x

  My rage builds as I think about how stressed and upset I am. He hasn’t even asked how my day has gone, but is now taking my friend out for a meal… It should be me he is taking out for a meal! It should be me who he met for a drink!

  Then I’m hit with a blinding realisation. I can never properly be with him and I have to end this before I lose myself to him anymore.

  In my mind, I know that there is only one thing for me to do, but I don’t have the nerve to do it. So, I make my way over to the door and lock my bead bolt and my second lock. I then go back to my phone and turn it off before I finally crawl into bed. It’s then and only then I allow the grief to take over as I start to sob into my pillow. My heart may be broken now, but I know it’s the right thing to do, not just for me, but for Steve. It’s cheesy, I know, but they do say if you love someone, set them free and I have to do this to stop my heart shattering in the long run. I also have to stop Steve from one day waking up and realising how trapped he is with me. No one should feel the way I do every single day and in my heart, I know that’s what will happen.

  Friday 21st July

  I am awoken by the sound of banging on the front door and a raised voice. I’m not sure what time it is, but I can tell it’s late by the darkness that surrounds me, along with the feeling of being completely alone. The banging starts up again and this time I can make out the words.

  “Jess, are you OK? Open up!”

  It’s Steve, I can hear the worry in his voice and even though I didn’t think it could, my heart breaks that little bit more.

  “Jess, please open up. If not I am breaking down this goddamn door!”

  There’s more pounding and I know I need to do what I couldn’t do last night. I slip out of bed and make my way to the door as the banging starts again.

  “I can’t do this,” I say as loudly as I can manage while trying to hold back a torrent of tears.

  “Jess, oh thank god, Jess I thought something had happened to you. Why is the door double-locked? Come on beautiful, let me in!”

  “I can’t,” I say softly again. The fight is over and the tears start to fall. He must be able to hear it in my voice.

  “Jess, why can’t you open the door? Wha
t’s happened? Are you hurt?” Yes, my heart is broken I think to myself, but I know this is for the best. I’m not normal and he needs someone normal. Someone like Claire.

  “I’m fine Steve, but you need to go.” This time my voice comes out much stronger even though I am slowly sinking to the ground totally destroyed.

  “Go? Why? Jess, you’re worrying me. Let me in so we can talk.” I almost waiver, but I know I have to be strong and stand on my own two feet and do this before we both get hurt worse in the future. I realise I have to do something that will make him leave. Tell this lie so I can start to heel.

  “I don’t want you anymore!” It sounds so wrong but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t tell him the truth, he will only try and talk me round.

  “Jess? What do you mean? We were fine earlier. What’s going on?” Can’t he give me a break? This is destroying me and the longer he stays here the more I am dying inside. So, I say the one thing I know will destroy us.

  “I’ve found someone else!”

  “Jess, don’t be like this! We all know that’s not true. You can’t even leave the house!” I can hear his voice beginning to change from worry to anger and even though I know this is exactly what I need to do. It’s totally killing me inside.

  “Haven’t you heard of internet dating? We’ve been texting each other for weeks,” I can’t even recognise my own voice it sounds so venomous.

  “Jess. Please just let me in so we can talk about this.” The sound of his voice nearly kills me but I have to continue.

  “It’s over Steve. I don’t love you.” I hear a soft bang on the door and then footsteps walking away. I wait for the familiar sound of the elevator before I allow myself to completely lose it.

  Friday 28th July

  I’m not really sure how long I have locked myself away for. I know people have come and gone from the door, but I refuse to leave the misery of my bed. What makes it twice as hard is the fact that it still smells of Steve. I know I should change the covers and rip the last of the bandage off but I just can’t do it. I can’t even face turning on my phone for fear of what I might see or read. I also realise what a horrible friend I have been. Claire was only staying for a week and if that time isn’t already up I know it can’t be far off. I just can’t bring myself to care, as caring will mean feeling and I’m done with that. I’m done with life. It can pass me by as I live it out in my little flat with my window.