“What’s this really about, Trina?” Derek sat forward in his chair, his voice gentling. “I don’t think the absence of a body part is enough to have you on the run like this.”
He was right. She knew he was right. “I’m scared, Derek,” she murmured, not wanting to admit the truth. “I’m so scared Brady will turn around one day and he’ll realise I’m not enough.” A single tear managed to escape as she faced her greatest fear head-on. “I don’t want to end up alone.”
“Are you kidding?” he scoffed in true brotherly fashion. “That’s never going to happen.” Lifting one arm around her, he gave her shoulder a squeeze. “But if you’re after guarantees about living happily ever after, with anyone, you’re going to come up empty-handed. You already know that.”
“Yes, but doesn’t it make sense to wait for someone who seems like,” she struggled to find the words, “a safer bet?”
Derek looked at her like she’d gone mad. “Trina, honey, the words safe and love will never belong in the same sentence. Every relationship is a gamble and no amount of logic will better the odds. The question you have to ask yourself, is whether this guy is worth the risk.”
“My instincts say yes, absolutely,” she told him. No hesitation there. “But I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. I don’t trust my instincts anymore.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, frowning. “You can’t tell me instinct hasn’t played its part in the decisions you’ve been making. Like this new career move. You chose something you had some knowledge in and you could get into easily. That’s logic. But you also chose something that interests you and satisfies your creative side. That’s instinct. You can’t have one without the other. The trouble comes when you let them get out of balance.”
She hadn’t really thought about it that way, but she supposed he had a point. She tried applying the same thought process to her decision to invite Jeremy to share her apartment. It was true she’d been leaning toward logic the day they met. She’d needed the rent money and Jeremy had been ready and willing to provide it. But at the same time, she wouldn’t have offered him the room if he’d seemed like a bad match for her. Instead, her instincts had told her she and Jeremy would get along well together, and they’d been right.
“By the way,” Derek added, breaking into her thoughts, “ignoring what your heart is telling you, just because it’s your heart that said it, is about as illogical as you can get.”
“Yeah, you have a point.” She rolled her eyes. “Logic is more annoying when it’s coming out of your mouth.”
“I know.” He folded his arms behind his head, sitting back with a satisfied smile. “But I do so enjoy being right.”
Chapter 25
Brady stared at the flat screen in Jeremy and Trina’s living room, trying to remember the last time he’d seen this many naked people in one TV show. He’d read the books the show was based on, but watching the complicated mess play out on the screen was a whole other experience. “Do you watch this every week?”
Tossing a piece of popcorn in his mouth, Jeremy nodded. “It’s research. I can’t own a pop culture store and not keep up with pop culture.”
“Research, huh?” It sounded like a dubious excuse at best. “It’s not for the tits and arse, then?”
Jeremy laughed. “It’s more about the pecs and arse for me but, yeah, that too.”
They both looked up as they heard a key slide into the lock on the front door. “Hey guys,” Trina said as she walked in carrying a large plate. “I come bearing chocolate cake.”
“Excellent.” Jeremy jumped up from the couch and rushed to relieve her of her burden.
Brady followed, watching Trina closely. Her eyes were red, like maybe she’d been crying, and there was an uncharacteristic dullness in her movements. “Are you okay?” he asked as he approached.
“Fine,” she assured him. “It’s just been a long day.”
“What was your family meeting about?” Jeremy asked as he started to carve the large wedge of cake into slices.
The smile Trina pasted across her lips held all the pleasure of a car crash. “Jake and Kelly are getting married,” she said, her voice thick with repressed emotion. “And they’re having a baby. So, I’ll have a little second cousin, or a first cousin once removed or something. Anyway, they’re really moving forward with their lives and I’m so happy for them.” She swallowed hard, her fake smile cracking at the corners.
“Oh, sweetie,” Jeremy said with a wince. “I’m going to give you the biggest piece of cake.”
She held up a hand. “No thanks, I’ve had enough sugar for one day. I’m going to have a long, hot shower and head off to bed early. Good night.” Before they had a chance to respond, she slipped into the bathroom and closed the door. The shower started a few moments later.
The silence she left behind broke when Jeremy dropped the knife onto the counter, all thought of eating apparently forgotten. “It’s time to get your shit together, Brady. Or you’re gonna lose her.”
Turning his head, Brady glared at the other man. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That woman wants a husband and a family,” Jeremy replied in a low voice. “She deserves to get what she wants. So, man up or get the fuck out.”
He raked his hands through his hair, exasperation a living thing inside him. “You think I don’t wish it was that simple? I would give my right arm to have her believe I’m worthy of those roles. But I will never be what she wants.”
Jeremy looked confused. “And that would be?”
“One hundred percent heterosexual male,” Brady spat out. “Women want nothing less.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Jeremy scoffed. “Trina is nothing like your ex-fiancée.”
“Is she really so different?” he asked. “Does the fact she gets off on the sight of us fucking really change anything? She doesn’t want me any more than Deborah did. The reasoning might be different, but the outcome is the same.” Frustration burned in his gut as his gaze met Jeremy’s head-on. “I let myself want you, Jeremy, and she’s scared I’ll never stop.” They glared at each other and heat crackled in the space between them. But there was an undercurrent to it, a dissatisfaction that could only be fixed by the return of Trina’s smile. “Maybe I’m scared I’ll never stop,” he muttered, his hands curling into fists at his side. “What if Trina and I do get together and then I screw it up?”
Jeremy rolled his eyes at him. “Brady, have you ever cheated on a woman? Ever?”
He shook his head. “No, but that was before I opened the bisexual equivalent of Pandora’s Box and dived headfirst into it.”
“Ah, I get it now.” Jeremy’s expression was incredulous as he rounded the counter, coming to stand in front of Brady. “You’ve been lying to everyone your whole life, including yourself, and now you’ve stopped lying you can’t look at yourself in the mirror anymore. You’re terrified of what you might see.” Brady looked away, unable to deny the other man’s words. “It’s time you pulled your head out of your arse long enough to realise the truth for what it is.”
Brady sucked in a harsh breath. He had no idea what Jeremy would say next, but he was ready with the same denials he’d already used a hundred times before—a thousand. With every family member, every one of his friends. He’d been forced to defend his identity over and over, until his throat was raw. Some had believed him, others had only pretended to believe. A few hadn’t stuck around long enough to listen. “Go ahead, Jeremy. Tell me, what’s your version of the truth?”
Jeremy tilted his head to one side, forcing himself into Brady’s line of sight. “You may have learnt new and fun facts about yourself lately, but Brady, man,” he lifted his hands to Brady’s face, “you’ve said it time and time again. You know what you want and it’s never changed. Your family may have gotten your head all twisted up in knots, but their opinions don’t count for shit.” Jeremy leaned in close, forcing Brady to meet his eyes. “You know who you are, all you have to d
o now is believe it.”
Brady released a breath, his body deflating. Could it really be so simple? He’d been questioning himself for so long now, it was hard to believe he already had the answers he’d been searching for. That he’d always had the answers. But they were there, in the way he went about his life. He’d been drawn to a few men over the years, sure, but it was always women who were the major players in his life. And when he did marry one day, it was a curvy temptress he wanted to see walking up the aisle. One curvy temptress in particular. He had no doubts about that.
“I suppose an arrow really is still an arrow,” he said with a wry grin, “even if it occasionally likes dick.”
Jeremy laughed out loud, lowering his hands back to his sides. “Pretty much, yeah.”
The weight Brady had been carrying for so long began to lift, leaving him weak with relief. He headed for the couch, dropping bodily onto the lumpy cushions. “How did you get to be so smart?” he asked when Jeremy joined him.
“You think you’re the only person to struggle with this shit?” The other man looked at him sideways. “I started commenting on the hotness of rugby players at the age of fourteen. As far as I was concerned, my arrow was well and truly broken. How do you think I felt the first time I got a boner from a woman coming onto me?” He let out a dramatic groan. “Talk about confusing.”
“I’ll bet,” Brady said with an amused smirk. “How did you deal with it?”
“First, I boned the woman. She was sweet as.” Laughing, he lifted his hand for a high five, which Brady dutifully provided. Then, he continued in a more serious vein. “I think of it like this, I’ve only ever dated men. The few times I’ve fallen in love it’s always been with a man. When I find a life partner, he will be a man. These are things I know about myself.” He damn near glowed with pride over his supreme knowledge of self. It made Brady want to smack him upside the head.
“None of that stopped me from making love to Trina these past few weeks,” Jeremy continued. “It’s been fucking awesome and I’ve enjoyed every second of it. She is a goddess among women.” He paused, seeming to savour the image of Trina in his mind, before he added, “But once I’ve found the man I’m meant to spend my life with, he will be it for me. There will be no one else. It’s a choice you make.” He gestured toward Brady. “If you love Trina the way I think you do, you’ll choose her.”
Brady knew Trina was the right choice. Now all he had to do was convince her to choose him.
“If you were gay though…” Jeremy said into the lengthening silence as he reached out to take Brady’s hand.
Brady turned to look at him. “If I was?”
The grin Jeremy gave him was wicked beyond redemption. “I would love you so hard and so well, you’d see stars.”
A single tug and Brady dragged Jeremy into his arms, holding on so tight he could feel the frantic thud of the other man’s heart against his chest. “I’d love you more,” he said in a husky voice. “Damn you to hell, I’m half way there already.”
Jeremy pressing his face into Brady’s shoulder, inhaled deeply. “I know what you mean.” They sat there, each drinking in the other’s warmth, for a long time.
Then, the shower stopped running. And they let go.
Getting up from the couch, Jeremy headed back into the kitchen. “What are you going to do about Trina?” he asked as he pulled the plastic wrap back into place over the plate of chocolate cake.
“I don’t know,” Brady said with a sigh. “She shuts me out every time we’re alone together but,” he shook his head as he ran a hand over his jaw, “there has to be a way to reach her.” Other men had managed it. Hell, she’d even been on a date in the time he’d known her. The thought she could be arranging to see someone else every time she had access to that stupid dating website made him want to throw her laptop across the room every time he saw the damn thing.
“That’s it,” he said as an idea sparked.
“What’s it?” Jeremy’s face was alight with curiosity, but Brady was already headed for the door.
“I have to go,” Brady told him. “I won’t be back tonight, but this isn’t over. One way or another, I’ll win Katrina’s heart in the end. You watch me.”
Chapter 26
Trina was hiding. There was no other word for it. She’d tiptoed out of the bathroom after her shower, grateful her bedroom was only a short distance away. Closing the door silently, she’d crawled beneath her covers and stayed there. She needed some space to sort through everything she and Derek had talked about that afternoon. At the same time, she’d become used to the bed feeling crowded. The emptiness surrounding her felt eerily like a premonition.
A knock on the door made her sit up. “Come in,” she called, suddenly desperate to have Jeremy and Brady with her.
Jeremy came in first. Trina gave him a small smile before looking past him. Her heart sank when Brady didn’t follow.
“Brady’s gone home?” she asked, hoping to keep the disappointment out of her voice.
“Yeah, he had some stuff to take care of, but he’ll be back tomorrow.” Jeremy dropped on the bed, reclining against the headboard with his legs stretched out before him. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Dragging herself into a sitting position beside him, she heaved a sigh. “I’m fine.”
There was a long silence, then Jeremy asked, “You want some tea?”
“No, thanks.” She shook her head. “I’m glad you’re here though.” Jeremy always took care of her, looked out for her. He was one of the best friends she’d ever had and she didn’t know what she’d do without him. Selfishly, she hoped she’d never have to find out. The moment she turned toward him, he lifted his arms to cuddle her against his chest.
They sat there for a while, her head resting on his chest while he lazily stroked her arm. It was comfortable, relaxed. And totally, utterly platonic. It seemed strange, considering how many times they’d had sex. Jeremy had given her earth-shattering orgasms, brought her body to the heights of passion again and again while Brady… had always been with them. Now she thought about it, the only time she and Jeremy had done anything sexual without Brady was that first night, right before he knocked on their door. In the months since, he had become the fuel for their fire. She still loved Jeremy, still found him incredibly attractive and wonderful, but nothing more.
“Jer, can I ask you something?” she said, seized by a sudden curiosity.
He made a vague noise of assent.
“You and Brady,” she started, unsure how to phrase such a question, “do you ever, enjoy time alone together, when I’m not here?”
His chest rose and fell beneath her head in a light chuckle. “You mean do we have sex without you?”
She held her silence, unsure if she wanted to know the answer. As much as she’d enjoyed watching them together, the thought of them doing such things in her absence made her feel… uncomfortable. Yes, that was the word. It was the word she was going to use anyway. Jealousy would seem hypocritical.
“Trina, when you’re not here Brady and I pretty much revert to the friend zone.” She felt him lift his head to look down at her. “I thought you knew that.”
Sitting up, she turned to glare at him. “Yeah, I can see how friendly he feels toward you every time he gives you a blow job.”
Jeremy gave her that look. The one that told her to stop being a dolt. “He’s been trying something new and he’s enjoyed it. So have you, don’t pretend you haven’t been as much a part of this as Brady and me. He never would have done any of this if it wasn’t for your support.”
There was an unavoidable truth to his words. She’d been the one to make sure Jeremy was included the first time she and Brady had sex. And she’d all but dared Brady to have sex with Jeremy only days later. Would either man have ever gone that far if she hadn’t encouraged them to give in to their desires? She didn’t think so.
“You giving him your support was a good thing by the way,” Jeremy added when sh
e didn’t respond. “Brady needed this time to sort himself out, to be absolutely sure of what he wants. You helped him do that.” He cupped her cheek in one hand. “But he’s only in love with one of us, sweetie. And it’s not me.”
A light tinkling sound filled the room, alerting Trina to a newly received email. She grabbed her phone from the bedside table, hoping it would be from a writer who’d enquired about a new cover. Tapping on the icon, she read the name of the sender and groaned before tossing the phone onto the bed.
“What was it?” Jeremy asked, frowning at her reaction.
“Someone sent me a wink,” she said, before flopping down onto her back. After all the effort she’d put into setting up her profile, Alec was the only man she’d actually met through the dating website. She’d continued to receive email notifications every now and then, alerting her to the winks sent her way, but she’d taken to ignoring them. Just as she ignored the reason why she was ignoring them. The time had come, though, to face the truth. She didn’t want to meet anyone else. Her heart belonged to Brady.
She’d wasted so much time insisting she and Brady couldn’t possibly work as a couple. How could she hope to give a bisexual man everything he needed? Limited by the singularity of her gender, wasn’t she doomed to fall short? She realised now though, her insecurity went deeper than sex. With all her faults, and all the setbacks she’d allowed in her life, she was scared he would grow out of her. And she’d be left behind.
Such an outcome wasn’t inevitable though, logic insisted. She was still working on consciously building the life she wanted, it was true, but she’d made real progress in the past few months, at least when it came to her career plans. It was slow going and more work than she’d anticipated, but she was succeeding in small ways. Brady had helped her do that. The same way she’d helped him come to terms with the parts of himself he’d been afraid to face. They had both grown, and they could continue to grow together, long into the future.
Everything We Need (Finding Forever Book 4) Page 16
