Don't Get Fancy Nancy

by Mark Fitzgerald

The "receptionist" picked up with a disingenuous, "Good morning, engineer's office". After Nancy asked for Mr. Brown, we were on hold for nearly minute. Nancy's dad has told us not to stay on the line but he hadn't really said how long to wait and as we waited it just seemed that the line would get picked up any second and before we knew it a whole minute had passed.

  "Hello". Nancy said the man said it like it was more of a question than a greeting. Nancy said the rest, the "Alice is down the hole" part and hung up.

  We were at the mall. I mean McDonalds was on the corner and just across the lot was my favorite place on the planet, PMS Hobbies. Everyone of my monster models, and fake noses, and vampire teeth and gyroscopes and whatever had come from there.

  "Let's go look in PMS for a while." Nancy agreed. I hope our marriage goes this well. My parents never agree on anything.

  It was really quite warm. Calgary gets blessed with what they call "Chinooks". Warm winds come up and over the mountains (or from someplace) and things can warm up as much as sixty degrees. It was probably in the low forties today. Already the parking lots was all slushy. We picked our way across the lot stepping the remaining little islands of packed snow.

  We had just stepped into the store, letting the door close behind us when the car screamed into the parking lot, and slid to a standstill almost on top of the sidewalk at the McDonalds. Two men got out of the car, almost while it was still sliding and tore through the doors into McDonalds and straight down the corridor. Nancy and I stared at each other and quickly stepped out of view. "Act busy and stay away from the doors and window." Yes, Nancy.

  The two men stepped outside again and talked for a while over the roof of the car. It was a black American sedan. A really "daddy-car". Like cops drive. But black. The men looked like daddies too. Business clothes, short hair, clean shaven. Ugly. Both were ugly. Easy faces to remember.

  For once I had an idea. "Let's buy something. Well just look like kids spending their allowance or something." I had a plan too, I confess. "Let buy that "Mummy" model." Nancy just looked at me and did that head waggle that tells me I am an idiot.

  But her mouth said,"That’s a great idea. Even better… lets go right back into McDonalds."

  Damn she can get fancy!!!!!!

  We walked right by the two guys both holding the model and going "ooo aaaa". I can't say I was hungry but I could jam down another filet. It was good.

  The two daddies and their daddy-mobile drove off.

  Steve had money for his "shopping" so we did what shopping we needed to do. We were embarrassed buying toilet paper. We were probably each hoping we could avoid needing it day by day. That's why, I think, we both left the McDonalds the second time by way of extended visits to the restroom.

  We got to the house and set about cleaning it up. I tried to get to the "rubber" before Nancy but she was already kicking it toward the door when I remembered about it. We snuck up to Steve's room. His bed was just a huge pile of old blankets. That was it. Nothing else. Nothing but a pile of clothes, that is. And there was a bucket in the corner; which we had no interest in investigating.

  We didn't have a place to put all the litter and we didn't want to throw it outside in case people would see it and think the house was occupied. What ever would burn we put next to the fireplace. The non-flammable went into the basement by way of a good toss from the top of the stairs. Of course, we really didn't consider what Steve might have preferred. As we should have, since it really was his house. That was rude of us.

  But Steve was pleased when he stepped through the back door. "I guess I could have picked up once in a while. It does look better like this."

  "Let me fix myself a little "pick me up" and I'll tell you about my day." By now it was only a bit after two o'clock in the afternoon.

  "I'm here to tell you, I barely got there to the shelter before the cars rolled up. One black sedan and one black van. Two guy in the van were suits... you know business types. Ugly guys too. The other three, the van guys were dressed like technicians of sort. The sign on the van said "Envirotech Engineering Services". I got the phone number and the license plates, up "here", he said pointing to his head. "I remember stuff real easy."

  "Anyway, they spent about an hour in the house and then they drove off. Here's the odd part though, as they drove off another van was coming up the street towards them and no sooner had they passed each other I could tell that both vans hit the brakes a bit and then kept going. That second van came right up to the house and spent another hour or so in it. They called themselves "Communications Plus".

  I asked, "Phone number and license?" Steve gave me a full blown Nancy "do ya think?" look. I had it coming I'm sure.

  "Kiddos… this is a real situation. I mean whatever is going on is a lot more complicated than it looked like just this morning. I'm not sure we shouldn't involve the police. I'm not sure we can figure all this out by ourselves."

  We talked for hours. It was interesting and worthwhile but, of course, Steve's "smarts" kind of diminished as he pulled on his whiskey bottle all afternoon. By seven o'clock he was asleep. We hadn't even eaten yet. The menu was limited. Veinna sausages and crackers. Those weird little, delicious sausages that look like… nevermind.

  Steve told us a lot. He said he preferred to leave the past in the past but, he told us at least this much. Steve was from Abilene, Texas. The buckle in the Bible Belt he said. His parents were Church of Christ; as he was until his late teenage years; when he refused to fight the Vietnam war and slipped into Canada. Since he was nineteen years old he had been a "phantom". He didn't exist. He liked it that way too. He was a good carpenter, building houses, until he stepped the wrong way and fell three stories and broke his back. That's when he started his career as a hobo; about ten years ago.

  Before he faded, we talked it through. We tried to figure out what was transpiring.

  Mr. Brown of "Envirotech" had the capability of tracking a call; without warning. And "Envirotech" clearly was very motivated to control the situation. One can assume that Mr. Brown was surprised by Nancy's phone call and reacted like someone with no prior knowledge. It seemed to make sense that "Envirotech" was not the hostile element.

  It seemed that "Communications Plus" was the bad guy. They clearly tapped the phones of "Envirotech", too. What didn't make any sense was why they would revisit the scene of the crime, if they had been the perpetrators.

  Nancy decided to make the second call tomorrow. The call to Mr. White. If only to see if they answered the phone as "Communications Plus". Steve agreed.

  I played with my model.

  Like last night Nancy and I shared the double sleeping bag. I like too breath in the air she expels. I might have said that already.

  We covered Steve with his blankets which we dragged down the stairs. We didn't really pick them up… they didn't smell all that good.

  I wasn't scared. I slept well. I trusted in Steve. Steve the Hobo. I was lulled by the heat and breath of Nancy.

  ~

  It was still "Chinooking" so, just like yesterday, the weather was not going to be much of a problem. We decided that we had done everything perfectly yesterday; right down to breakfast. And we all took our "longer than usual" potty break while we were at McDonalds. The one big difference is that we were going to get the heck out of McDonalds and at least a block away as soon as we hung up. Nancy had a good idea too. Instead of waiting for Mr. White to answer we would just leave a message. We were not going to get tricked into waiting a minute while the call was traced.

  Nancy dropped the "bomb" and we took off running; after casually leaving McDonalds. The folks at Mass at the church on the corner were just getting out as we crossed the street. We thought we would be safe enough to watch the "goons" speed up to the McDonalds; if they did. And they did. Not even five minutes after the call. The same ugly car with the same ugly men. They were really "worked up" when they came out of the McDonalds. It's funny to watch grown-ups when they are all "worked up". It is
.

  We picked up some more supplies and headed back to the house. Suddenly, it was occurring to us that we really had nothing to do for the near future. Nothing. Rein! I speak a little French... all Canadians are forced to take French.

  "We could go to the library you know and look for any information about "Envirotech" and "Communications Plus". Not that there is much chance we'll find anything."

  It was eleven in the morning and still an hour before the library would open and at least an hour and a half before Steve would end his vigil at Nancy's house. All the stores would be closed for another hour still. There was nowhere to walk to and hardly anyplace to get out of the wind. Chinook winds are warmer, not warm. The best spot was behind the strip mall, between the dumpster and the Zeller's loading dock. We snuggled into the corner. I mean we really did snuggle. I think Nancy most started the snuggling but I was loving it and trying to be encouraging. We almost didn't see the ugly" blackmobile" in time to duck for cover behind the dumpster. It had snuck up on us like a zombie. One step at a time. We held our breath. We didn't even know the car had come to a quiet stop until we heard the one man speak.

  "Come out hear and talk to me you kids." It was said like a command but there was a sense of firmness. Not like calling your dog to your lap. "I'm serious, I want to talk to you. I want to know what you're doing out here behind my store."

  "My store"…. you liar I thought to myself.

  "Stay away from us… you're strangers and we're just waiting to go to the library."

  Suddenly they were at each side of us and we were stuck between a wall and a dumpster. The shorter ugly dad said, "You’re the same two kids I say yesterday. What are your names?"

  "We don't talk to strangers!!!" shreaked Nancy.

  "You can talk to me ... Nancy. Especially if you want to ever see you Dad alive. This must be Todd, then. I thought you were older."

  "He just small for his age….. asshole!" Gosh Nancy is fast on her feet or clever... er... you know what I mean. Why shouldn't I pretend to be Todd. At least that also means that Todd is okay and probably that the police have been notified. I'd never her her say the a word before. I think she just did it for effect.

  The "uglies" were stepping into the narrow space to grab us and I could tell Nancy was reaching into her jacket for the Beretta. She's shoot I'll bet. They had us both by one arm a piece and were pulling us out "little ugly's" side; the side facing the alley.

  "Hold on there fellows. You don't need to be treating children that way." Steve had a friendly but stern tone to his voice as he approach us.

  "F__k off, old man!" We were, four of us, all in a line with the "uglies" between Nancy I and when Steve hobble up like he usually does; all bent over and this time pretending to be in some pain.

  With one fist he hit "little ugly" right in the throat. Then the other fist, a split second later, pounded clear in the center of "big uglies" chest. They dropped like rocks.

  "I don't like that kind of language," Steve noted.

  "Get everything off them. Everything," commanded Steve.

  "What if they move?" I asked.

  "They won't kiddos, they're dead."

  So they were. I didn't care, they were bad men, for sure.

  Steve grabbed the shoulders of "little ugly" and summoned us to grab his feet. And into the dumpster he went, followed in a few moments by his comrade.

  "Get in kiddos, we're driving now!"

  ~

  We were back at the house in ten minutes, of course not until after Steve and had done his "shopping".

  The short drive gave us just time enough to ask the million dollar question. "How did you know how to take those guys down like that, Steve?" was my question.

  Nancy added, "Why weren't you scared of them?"

  "Remember I told you I came up here because of the Vietnam war? I wasn't dodging the draft I was dodging the war. I'd been there two years already and when my leave was up they were going to send be back. I was tired of killing people. Never cared for it one bit. But I was a Green Beret for a while and they taught me a lot of ways to kill people. I guess you don't forget. Like riding a bike as they say."

  Steve was a keeper.

  And Steve was in charge now. "I didn't get to finish my college education so I'm not so sure I'm even smart to begin with but I think I'm right in saying we got to get this little adventure over real soon."

  "We need to take really good look at everything we got off those guys and everything in that car. We need some clues."

  "What about the car… won't someone come looking for it?"

  "I don't think so," said Steve. That would involve the police. I doubt they ever want the police involved in their stuff. It's our car now, buddy. Best car I ever had so far!"

  As they say, "it was noon somewhere" and certainly it was noon in Calgary but Steve hadn't even cracked the cap of his new whiskey bottle.

  Nancy and I had all the "stuff" we had confiscated in from of us as we sat on our sleeping bags by the fireplace. Steve, was just walking in circles, and maybe even in squares, all over the parlour; hunched over, scratching himself and talking/thinking out loud. We, basically, just listened.

  "The two guys I killed were just soldiers. Just muscle I think. They worked for "Envirotech" I guess. They must have, because they were there with the black van yesterday. They were there this morning even though you called "Communications Plus", so we know "Envirotech" has "Communications Plus" bugged.

  Now your dad said to call "Envirotech" first because they were the good guys. He said that if they didn't come out then we could guess they were actually responsible for the kidnapping. They would have no reason to come out. So they came out, which makes them the good guys in theory, but they sure didn't act like the good guys. I heard his threat about you never seeing your Dad again. But "Communications Plus" showed up at the house yesterday too and you hadn't called them yet. And today nobody showed up. But dang it… why would they show up today if they had already been to the house yesterday. So that doesn't necessarily mean they are the kidnappers either."

  Nancy had grown very quiet and she had a most puzzled … no ...more like an embarrassed look on her face.

  "Nancy, tell me again how they answered the phone on your first call."

  "Engineer's office." Nancy was blushing.

  "Well that could be either" Envirotech" or" Communications Plus", when you think about it."

  "I think I messed up ... real bad." Nancy looked almost sick. She went on, "I think I might have phoned Mr. White first instead of Mr. Brown. I can't really remember who I was supposed to phone first. I burned the notes like my dad said, but I think I might have called them in the wrong order. "

  "Honey, it doesn't really matter, I think. They are all nasty. Both have probably betrayed your Dad. But we do know the worst is the "Envirotech" guys. And we've got an awful lot of information about two of their guys. Some of it might be true even. This is all we are going to get too, so lets do the best we can with it."

  The "uglies" had driver's licenses. Probably fake. Supposedly, they both reside in Calgary and did not need corrective lenses to drive a car. The car was registered to "Envirotech". And insured through State Farm Insurance/Canada. The "uglies" did not carry a lot of ID. A PetroCanada gas credit card. Corporate card. For "Envirotech".

  Only "little ugly" had personalized his wallet the littlest bit. There was a single photo. A photo of two kids. One quite beautiful and one significantly less so and significantly resembling him. I saw the resemblance first and made nothing of it, but when Nancy commented, it was clear we were on to something.

  "That's Trudy, isn't it?"

  "Looks a lot like her for sure." I thought for a minute and made a connection. "She started school at Chief Crowfoot no more than a week before you. I think she lives just on the other side of the school; on the boys playground side."

  Steve was all over that comment. "You know which house she live in, Mark?"

&nbs
p; "No. Nobody pays her much attention on account of her parents being divorced."

  "I bet that is where your Dad and Mom are."

  I agreed with Steve. And so did Nancy.

  ~

  "We've got to move. Tonight. Two missing agents will cause some big adjustments tomorrow. We have to go with what we know so far."

  "Those guys I killed…. they must have guns. They wouldn't carry them on their person. Not in Canada. But I will bet if we really search that car we will find some " hardware".

  It was dark already. It was nearly six o'clock and the "Chinook" had petered out. It was cold. The three of us were miserable in the wind and cold, following the weak little beam of the flashlight as we scoured the "black-mobile". Nancy and I were pretty useless. We didn't know what parts of a car could be separated from others. Steve did. Eventually we started investigating the trunk and Steve removed the trunk liner to reveal a startling cache of weapons. Handguns and, as Steve identified, a small machine gun. A gun Steve was well acquainted with. And a lot of ammo.

  "Kiddos let take this all inside and let Sargent Steve show you how to use guns." I was excited and scared both. Steve was going to train us to actually use a gun to protect ourselves from bad guys or to rescue good guys. Tonight.

  When we were half way down the basement stairs, Steve made the comment we dreaded. "You kids aren't the best housekeepers... not that I should talk." I think Nancy blushed too. Then Steve giggled for almost an entire minute.

  The far end of the basement was really just a crawlspace. From the end of the concrete slab the basement floor was just dirt that sloped up abruptly to about a foot below the floorboards of the main floor. We could shoot toward the dirt with little risk of the bullets coming back our way.

  "Nancy you keep the little gun your Dad gave you. He knew what he was doing. It's small and you can hide it easily. Mark… you and I will each take one of these little snub nose Colts. Now the Colt is a revolver; it’s a little different from Nancy's gun, but not too much. It's the old gangster gun from the movies. The kind of guns detectives carried in the movies too. It for close up shooting. Anything beyond twenty feet away you could actually end up missing. And it only holds six bullets. So you have to think through your shots. I'll keep this little machine gun but we'll all try it just to know that we can all use it if we have to."