In Search of Love

by Christine Lynxwiler

  Tim was an open book. Excitement and happiness coated his face as surely as the sunblock he’d lathered on that morn­ing. Matthew smiled, but a sliver of sadness hovered, threat­ening to overcome the grin. Juan stared at the ranch, and Cade easily recognized the emotion that played across his dark countenance. Peace. The teen was finally seeing the value of living above the war zone.

  As the others continued to drink in the scenery, Cade’s gaze rested on Annalisa’s face. A poignant half-smile touched her lips, but her big chocolate eyes brimmed with tears. She turned and met his gaze for an agonizing second.

  She looked away and flicked Bubba gently with the reins. “C’mon, Bubba. Giddy up.”

  The boys followed. Cade brought up the rear, wishing each clip-clop of the horses’ hooves could be taking them back­ward in time, instead of on toward a future that undoubtedly held painful good-byes.

  ***

  “Mr. George! You can walk!” Tim leaped off his horse and ran across the barn lot to where George and Marta stood waiting.

  Annalisa smiled as Marta deftly intercepted the youngster. She scooped him up, then leaned him over to hug George, who was resting pretty heavily against the fence.

  The others dismounted and hurried over to the couple.

  “Hey! How’s that ankle?” Cade asked.

  “The doctor said it was too far from my heart to kill me.”

  Marta cast an exasperated glance heavenward. “Your corny jokes may kill me before we get you back on your feet. I think you sit around and think those up just to get at me.” Her grin took the sting out of her words.

  “You know you love them, so don’t pretend you don’t.” George reached over and took her hand.

  Marta blushed. “Well, anyway,” she said, turning her atten­tion back to Cade and Annalisa, “it’s sprained, not broken, thank the Lord!”

  Annalisa smiled at her friend’s obvious attraction for her husband of twenty-five years. Would she and Cade still feel that kind of electricity after so long?

  Shock coursed through her. When had she started thinking in terms of the distant future with Cade? She’d thought she was guarding her heart, but apparently she’d been wrong. She smiled at Marta and mumbled something appropriate, excus­ing herself to groom Bubba.

  Until after Sunday lunch the next day, Annalisa performed her duties without allowing herself to be drawn into conversa­tions or become involved in the lives of the other Circle-M residents. She sat by herself at church, slipping in at the last minute, so she wouldn’t be noticed.

  Now, she stood at the sink, scrubbing the pots and pans, and reflected on how colorless her life had been for the last twenty-four hours. Funny how she’d thought she could reduce the pain of what she was going to have to tell Cade. Instead she just regretted not making the most of every second here.

  “You feeling okay?” The concern in Cade’s voice was evident.

  “I guess.” She turned around and dried her hands on a towel.

  He perched on a barstool. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.” She shook her head with a rueful grin, but slid into the seat beside him. “Oh, Cade. This is harder than at the first when I was trying to tell you about Amy.”

  He reached over and took her hand.

  “The thing is. . .” She smiled as he squeezed her hand.

  Just as she opened her mouth to tell him she was giving her two-week notice, Juan came running in. “Hurry! It’s Tim. He’s bad.”

  Annalisa glanced at Cade. “Not again!”

  They ran for the bunkhouse without speaking.

  Marta looked up from the boy as they entered. “We used the inhaler, but it doesn’t seem to be helping this time.” Her voice was calm, but her eyes conveyed a message of urgency to the adults.

  Cade scooped Tim into his arms and headed toward his vehicle. “You and I will just take a ride into town, Tim. I’ve been meaning to introduce you to the local doctors, anyway.” He looked at Marta. “Will you call the ER and let them know we’re coming?” He glanced at the boy’s blue face. “On sec­ond thought, call 911, too, and have an ambulance meet us. I’ll have my hazard lights on. If they leave now, we should meet at the old Stokes’ store.”

  “Cade, may I ride with you? I can sit by Tim and keep him company.” Her voice shook, and his gaze met hers. She breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded.

  He carefully deposited the boy into the backseat of the sports-utility vehicle and fastened the seat belt across him.

  Annalisa stood back as Cade ruffled his hair. “Hang in there, Buddy.” His voice sounded cheerful, but when he turned around, she saw deep lines of worry etched in his face.

  “Pray,” he said softly.

  Annalisa nodded, then slid in beside Tim. She reached over to take his little hand in hers. His hand was sweaty, and his face was still blue. His breathing didn’t seem any better either as Cade pulled down the bumpy driveway.

  Annalisa began to sing a lullaby she’d sung to Amy daily the first year of the child’s life. She smoothed Tim’s hair in time with the gentle melody. He relaxed against her, and his breathing, though still labored, became more even.

  She met Cade’s gaze in the rearview mirror. Terror leaped at her from his eyes, and she stumbled over the words to the song. She nodded to him and pointed upward, hoping he would process the reassurance that God was in control.

  He turned his attention back to his driving as he pulled off the gravel onto the highway. Annalisa stared out the window as the scenery whizzed by, whole forests seeming to blend to a tiny clump of trees with Cade’s speed. She wondered at the fact that no policeman stopped them as the Maynard city lim­its sign came and went, the small town seeming to appear and disappear in the blink of an eye.

  Just as she completed the song, Tim’s wheezing accelerated.

  “Should we try the inhaler again?” she asked Cade.

  “Yes. No, wait. I hear the ambulance coming.” He glanced over his shoulder at Tim. “Hang in there, Bud.”

  “I’m scared.” Tim barely got the words out between wheezes.

  Dear God, please keep him safe, Annalisa prayed silently. She could see Cade’s lips moving and realized he was doing the same.

  “I’m going with you, Tim,” Cade reassured the boy, then met her gaze again in the rearview mirror. “Can you drive and follow the ambulance to the hospital? I need to go with him.”

  The helplessness she saw reflected in his face reminded her of her own swirling emotions the day she’d lost Amy. She nodded, then realized he’d already shifted his attention to finding a place to pull off for the ambulance that was barrel­ing toward them. “Sure.”

  ***

  Cade jumped out and retrieved Tim from the backseat. He cradled the boy in his arms and ran toward the ambulance.

  A huge bald man, sporting a goatee and one gold earring, reached for the boy. “Here, Sir. I’ll take him from here.”

  Cade grasped Tim, stunned by the feeling that if he could keep holding the child, he could somehow keep him safe. Shaking off the crazy thought, he surrendered Tim to the EMT. When he hurried alongside the man to the ambulance, the attendant glanced at him. “We’ll meet you at the hospi­tal.”

  “No! I’m going with him. I promised.”

  “Sir.” The other EMT, a smallish woman with graying hair cropped short in a no-nonsense style, grasped Cade’s arm. Her blue eyes shone with sympathy as her partner loaded Tim in the ambulance. “You can go, but there’s not a lot of room to move around in there. The boy would be better served by you letting us do our job.”

  For one of the few times in his life, Cade felt uncertain about what to do. He instinctively glanced at Annalisa, who stood a little to the side of the ambulance. She nodded, and he knew she was right. “Okay. What’s your name?”

  The gray-haired woman smiled. “I’m Nancy. We’ll take care of him as if he were our own.” She hurried to jump in the back with Tim.

  “Tim!” Cade craned his head to catch the
boy’s weak gaze. The sight of his blue face clogged Cade’s throat, but he forced a smile. “This is Nancy. She’s going to help you breathe. We’ll be right behind the ambulance in the car. Hang in there, Buddy. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  Nancy closed the door on his last word, and the other EMT slid in the driver’s seat.

  Cade watched the red lights flashing as the emergency vehi­cle quickly drove out of sight. He felt Annalisa squeeze his shoulder, and he put his own hand over hers for a second. Then, without a word, they hurried to the SUV and climbed in. He threw the four-wheel-drive into gear and maneuvered down the curvy highway at a speed best reserved for the inter­state.

  After a few minutes of silence, Annalisa spoke. “Are you okay?”

  Cade followed her glance to his white knuckles on the steering wheel. “I don’t know. . . I knew it was for his own good, but I couldn’t bear to give him up. What if I lose him?”

  “He’s in good hands.” Her voice was soft, but the confi­dence in her tone made him feel better.

  “I know. I have no doubt they’re adequately trained at what they do. Certainly more so than I am.”

  “I’m sure they are, but theirs weren’t the hands I meant. I was talking about God’s hands. Tim’s in God’s hands.”

  He nodded. “You’re right.”

  They rode in silence, until he pulled into the ER entrance. The EMTs were rolling Tim through the automatic doors. “Will you park?”

  “Sure. I’ll be right in. Just remember, I’m praying.”

  He nodded his thanks and in a few long strides covered the distance to the ER doors.

  The receptionist nodded. “They’re working on him now. Thankfully, Louise from Social Services here in town was able to come by and sign for him to receive care. She arrived a few minutes before the ambulance. The doctor will be out to talk to you in a few minutes.”

  “Is he. . . ?” Cade’s worst fears clogged his throat.

  “He’s being well taken care of. You need to fill out these forms.” The woman made a small gesture toward a clipboard, then apparently recognizing the despair in Cade’s soul, she relented. “I’m sure he’s going to be fine. By the time you get the forms completed, you should be able to see him.”

  Cade filled out the blanks numbly, praying that he was answering correctly. When a soft hand touched his shoulder, he swung around to meet Annalisa’s concerned gaze.

  “How is he?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know. They said they’d come and get me.”

  “Oh, Cade. I know waiting can be so hard.”

  Cade handed the clipboard to the harried-looking woman behind the window.

  “Thank you, Mr. McFadden. If you’re ready, I’ll take you back to Tim.”

  Annalisa hung back, and Cade could see the uncertainty on her face. With a nod, he put his hand to the small of her back and escorted her down the hallway. Although he’d included her partly because she cared so much about Tim, he knew his motives weren’t totally altruistic. Selfishly, he wanted her there because it was becoming natural to face life’s daily dif­ficulties with her by his side.

  Chapter Fourteen

  As they entered Tim’s room, Cade felt Annalisa slip her hand into his and give it a squeeze. When he saw the slight figure lying so pale on the gurney, he gripped her hand tighter and looked expectantly at the woman in a white jacket who turned to face him.

  “Mr. McFadden?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m Dr. Johannsen.” Annalisa quickly relaxed her grip so he could shake the doctor’s extended hand.

  “How is he?”

  “Much better. He had a violent asthmatic attack. Your quick thinking helped save him. . .”

  “Thank you, God,” Annalisa murmured.

  Cade nodded in agreement.

  They moved closer to the bed. Cade couldn’t take his eyes off Tim. He was alive, and he was on his way back to normal.

  Dr. Johannsen cleared her throat. Cade looked up to meet her gaze. Her weather-lined face was kind, but he could see she was struggling for the words to tell him something he might not like. “It’s likely that an allergen of some sort set this off.” Her eyes shone with sympathy. “It’s even more likely, given the fact that you live on a ranch, that the allergen is hay or something similar.”

  “Hay?” Cade frowned. “Tim’s lived at the ranch for a month and has only had one small attack. He’s around hay every day. Besides, he wasn’t around hay before he came to us.”

  “Asthma remains somewhat of a mystery. I know you mean well, Mr. McFadden, but my first responsibility is to Tim.” Her voice took on a defensive tone that Cade knew didn’t bode well. “With this in mind, I spoke to Louise from our local Social Services. I’m sorry, but she recommended that I call Janet Melton of the Pulaski County Department of Health and Human Services, who is the supervisor in charge of Tim’s care.”

  Cade cringed. Ms. Melton was his contact’s supervisor, and she’d been doubtful of his ranch idea from the beginning. “I see.” He looked over at Tim, who still lay unmoving in the bed. “Will he be able to go home tonight?”

  “After we were sure the attack was over, we gave him something to help him rest. We’d like to keep him a few more hours for observation, then you may take him back to the ranch. I strongly recommend you keep a close eye on him, though.”

  Struggling not to feel offended by the doctor’s attitude, Cade assured her they would. She exited the room shortly after, leaving him and Annalisa alone with Tim.

  Cade approached the bed with a grateful heart. He looked up to see tears of thankfulness in Annalisa’s eyes. “Will you pray with me?”

  She nodded.

  He cleared his throat and spoke softly. “Dear Father, thank You so much for making Tim better. Please give me wisdom concerning his health and help me to do the best for him. . .no matter what I personally want. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

  After the prayer, they sank down into the vinyl chairs beside the bed and sat in silence for a few minutes.

  Suddenly Annalisa spoke. “Today when you were giving Tim to the EMT. . .” Her eyes had a faraway look and her voice dropped so low, he leaned forward to hear. “It was so much like when I had to turn Amy over to the social worker, it was eerie.”

  Cade remembered how he’d known deep down Tim would be better going with the ambulance attendant. Had Annalisa felt that about Amy, as well? Her tenacious search for the girl certainly didn’t indicate that. “It was hard, but I knew it would be the best for Tim. It would have made no sense for me to hold onto him. I’m not a paramedic.”

  She either missed or chose to ignore his reference, but con­tinued like he hadn’t spoken. “After I ran away to Georgia, I got a job as a waitress in a small roadside café. One of the girls I waitressed with took me home with her my second night in town. From that moment on, her mother claimed me. They were Christians, and it didn’t take very long living with them for me to want for myself the peace they had.”

  “That’s wonderful.” Cade silently thanked God for finding the homeless girl a Christian home.

  “About a month after I became a Christian, I was studying the Bible when I came across a verse. Isaiah 40:31. ‘But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.’ ”

  Her deep brown eyes met his. “I knew then. I knew that if I waited. . . If I waited, God would give me Amy back.”

  Even though he didn’t like where this was going, Cade couldn’t tear his gaze from hers.

  “From that night on, that verse was my constant compan­ion. When I was tired and despairing of ever being able to save enough money to find Amy and make a home for her, I’d repeat it. When the other girls would date and get married, I’d repeat it. It’s gotten me through my whole adult life.” She broke the gaze and looked at her hands, then back up at him. “Until now.”

  “I don’t understand.” Ca
de shook his head. “You don’t believe that anymore?” Could it be that she did finally see that Amy was better off with the family she knew?

  “I still believe it. But since I’ve come to the ranch, it’s almost like that is what I’ve been waiting for all these years. The beauty of the land, the boys. . .you.” Her voice faded so low on the last word, he wasn’t sure she’d really said it. “I feel like I’m betraying my mother. Like I’m forgetting Amy.”

  “You’ll never forget Amy. But you can ask God to help you let her go.” Cade knew he’d gone too far when Annalisa’s normally open face shut down like someone had pulled down the blinds.

  “No!” She jumped up. “I’m going to get some coffee. Do you want some?”

  “Sure.”

  ***

  When Annalisa re-entered Tim’s room a half-hour later with two cups of coffee, she was grateful Cade didn’t bring up the subject of Amy again. Instead he set out to be charming, keeping her covering her mouth to smother laughter as he filled her in on some of the recent antics of the boys.

  They kept their voices low, and Tim didn’t stir, but in his sleep his face took on a more normal color that relieved both adults and made the nurse happy too.

  “Do you think Matthew will ever talk?” Cade asked.

  “I think so. I really got my hopes up when he laughed on the trip. Didn’t you?”

  He nodded. “I’m not giving up. He’s growing closer to the horses every day. I thought sure I saw his mouth moving close to Old Sweetie’s ear, so maybe he’s talking to someone.”

  “What can we do?” Annalisa asked, almost rhetorically.

  “Wait,” Cade answered, but as soon as he’d said it he cleared his throat as if realizing he’d brought up a taboo sub­ject. “George and Marta sure are doing a good job, aren’t they? Marta’s worked so hard to make the bunkhouse a home for the boys.”

  Annalisa and Cade managed to chat away the next few hours without either one bringing up Amy or waiting.