In Search of Love

by Christine Lynxwiler

  “Oh, Cade. Is there anything I can do?”

  “I’d like to be alone.” He squeezed her hand and silently pleaded for her understanding. “Do you mind taking some supper stuff over to the bunkhouse for everybody? There should be some lunch meat in the refrigerator.”

  “I’d be glad to.” She stood and hurried around the kitchen gathering food.

  Soon, she was gone, and Cade was left alone again with his guilt.

  He could ignore the last line in Annalisa’s letter and go after her, but there was no point. She’d never trust him again. And he couldn’t even blame her.

  Dear God, please give me strength. I’m turning Annalisa over to You. I know I have no control over her life or even over my own. Take my future and make it whatever You would have it to be. . .

  ***

  Annalisa maneuvered her car down the gravel road. The scen­ery rushing by on either side reminded her of the day she and Cade had taken Tim to meet the ambulance.

  Had Cade known then? While she was praying frantically he wouldn’t lose the boy he’d grown to love so much, had he been sitting beside her, concealing the most important infor­mation in her life?

  She trembled at the thought and banged her hand on the steering wheel. The car fishtailed, and she eased her foot off the accelerator. It was only another mile to the highway, then she’d be able to go faster. The more distance she could put between her and the deceitful man back at the Circle-M, the happier she’d be.

  As the wheels turned, a chorus of self-recrimination sang in her mind. Why had she forgotten her promise? Hadn’t her father’s actions taught her not to trust a man? What had made her think Cade McFadden was the exception?

  The long trip to Little Rock gave her plenty of time to come up with answers, but none were satisfactory. Whenever she’d allow the anger to diminish, reminiscences of good times at the ranch filled the quiet corners of her mind. By the time she’d reached the city limits, she had decided hostility was an easier travel companion than bittersweet memories.

  She pulled off at the first exit and retrieved her Little Rock map from the sun visor. Within seconds, she’d located the street Amy lived on. Distance-wise, the house wasn’t but a few miles from the area where Annalisa had been raised and Amy had been born. In every other way, the places were light years apart.

  As she approached the cul-de-sac, all extra air seemed to leave her lungs, and her breath came in short, shallow bursts. Her heart thudded against her ribcage. What would Amy say?

  Tears welled in her eyes, blurring the numbers on the mail­box. She killed the motor and stared at the beautiful house. After a few minutes, she gathered her courage and reached for the door handle.

  Just as she had her hand around the cold metal, a tall, red-headed man came around from the backyard. She froze in her seat and watched as he walked up to a small tree in the front yard.

  He stretched up to his tiptoes and peered among the branches. “Amy!”

  At the sound of her sister’s name, Annalisa squeezed the steering wheel and turned sideways in her seat to see more clearly out her open window.

  When the child came running around the side of the house, Annalisa gasped. She smiled, but tears rushed back to her eyes. Amy looked just like the pictures of her mother when she was small.

  “Did the eggs hatch?” Annalisa soaked in the sound of her sister’s voice after all these years.

  Red Montgomery nodded and held out his hands. When Amy ran and jumped in his arms, he swung her up on his shoulders. She squealed with delight.

  A shiver ran through Annalisa. That kind of happiness couldn’t be faked.

  “Mom!”

  A petite brunette with gardening gloves on came around the house. “Hey, you two! What’s going on?”

  “Come see the baby birds,” Amy called. The woman hur­ried over, climbed up on a big rock, and the little family stood together admiring the newborn birds.

  Annalisa lifted her hair off her sweating neck and held it up on her head. She didn’t want to start the motor and turn the air conditioner on, for fear she might miss hearing something Amy said. As she sat with one hand on her head and the other on the back of her neck, Red Montgomery’s gaze met hers, and he held it for several seconds. From this distance, she couldn’t see his exact expression, but she shivered again. He almost looked like he knew who she was.

  He glanced back at the nest that was holding his family’s attention. “We’d better go in and get ready for VBS,” he said, lowering Amy to the ground. Holding hands, they walked together into the house.

  United, Annalisa thought. What will happen when I tell them? Will they splinter apart, or will they close ranks against me? Either way, I have to do it.

  She sat in her car for another hour, thankful for an evening breeze that blew gently through her open windows. She felt like a marathon runner who sat down a few inches from the finish line and refused to cross.

  Please, God, give me the courage to do what I need to do.

  The garage door opened, and a nice, mid-sized car eased out of the opening. Annalisa turned her face away as they left. She looked at her watch. If they were going to Vacation Bible School, they should be back in two hours.

  Guilt stabbed her. While the Montgomerys were at church making sure her sister learned God’s will for her life, Annalisa was going to sit here in front of their house and plot to take her away from them.

  Annalisa rested the back of her head against the seat. The emotional turmoil of the day had drained her. She hadn’t fully recovered from the loss of sleep with Tim’s ordeal, and her brain finally succumbed to the exhaustion.

  Car lights shining in her eyes awakened her, and she watched as the Montgomerys pulled back into the garage. The door shut behind them.

  Shutting her out. Was this her lot in Amy’s life? To always be on the outside looking in?

  Chapter Nineteen

  She opened the car door, but her legs refused to move. The thought of bringing pain to Amy, especially now since she’d witnessed the child’s joy, rooted her to her seat. It would be better to talk to the adults after Amy went to bed. Annalisa would wait a reasonable amount of time and then go up to the door and confront the couple. She quietly eased the car door shut again.

  Within seconds, the front door of the house opened, and Red Montgomery stepped onto the porch. He walked slowly down the driveway.

  Annalisa shuddered. He would surely stop at the mailbox and retrieve the day’s mail then go back up to the house. He didn’t. He walked past the ornate mailbox and continued into the cul-de-sac, not stopping until he was standing right beside her open window.

  Bending down to meet her gaze, his eyes widened. She felt certain he knew who she was, but kindness radiated from his expression. “Are you okay?”

  She stared at him for a few seconds, suddenly unsure. “Yes,” she stammered. “I just needed a place to think things through.”

  He nodded. “I’m praying for you.” His quiet voice rang with sincerity.

  She wanted to speak, to tell him why she was there, to demand he let her have Amy, but she was unable to utter a word. Red Montgomery turned and walked away.

  ***

  Cade raised his head and looked through bleary eyes at the kitchen clock. Three a.m. Turning the light out and going to bed would be giving up hope that Annalisa was coming back. He couldn’t do it. He was praying that God would bring her back if it was His will, but Cade was also praying that God would give him the strength to accept it if it wasn’t His will.

  There was so much about her he loved. Her quirky sense of humor and quick wit kept him on his toes. He feared every­one would seem dull when held up against the memory of Annalisa. He remembered her appreciation of God’s power the morning they’d shared the sunrise. In many ways, in spite of her hard upbringing, she was as innocent as a baby. When the boys or he needed her, she’d always given selflessly.

  Why had he refused to trust her with Amy’s future?

  He put
his face back down into his hands and groaned another wordless entreaty to his Father.

  A key rattled in the door, and he raised his head. Like a little child on Christmas morning, he rubbed his eyes at the wonder he beheld. A very rumpled, tired-looking Annalisa stood in the doorway. Tears filled her eyes as she held her arms out to him. He jumped up and gathered her into an embrace, breathing in her flowery shampoo scent.

  “Thank you, God,” he whispered.

  “Amen.” Annalisa’s voice trembled.

  Cade scooped her up and carried her into the living room. He placed her on the couch and knelt in front of her. “Are you okay?”

  She nodded.

  “Before you say a word, I have to tell you how sorry I am. I only found out day before yesterday, and before I knew you were gone, I’d already decided to tell you.”

  She reached out and took his hand. “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not okay. I should have told you immediately. I’m so sorry.” He gently pushed back an unkempt curl from her face and looked into her eyes.

  She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek. “Do you remember King Solomon?”

  Cade stared at her again. Had she been attacked? Was she sick. . .delirious with fever? “What?”

  “King Solomon. In the Bible.” The strength in her voice belied her odd words.

  “Yes.”

  “I stopped my car in the cul-de-sac where Amy lives and watched. She was with Red Montgomery, and she was so happy. Her laughter bubbled through the neighborhood.”

  Cade remembered the look of envy on the jogging-suited grandma’s face and nodded.

  “The love between them was palpable. She called him ‘Dad,’ and in a few minutes she hollered for her ‘mom.’ When the woman came out, the love simply multiplied by three.” Tears rolled down Annalisa’s face. “By four, really. . .” She managed a tremulous smile. “. . .but they didn’t know I was there.”

  Cade pulled her into another embrace, shame filling him again that he had ever doubted this woman. Even if she’d thought she was going to take Amy from her family, he should have known her better.

  While he sat close beside her on the couch, she relayed the events of the night, including her startling encounter with Red. “I prayed for hours after he went in. The whole house got dark, except one light in the front part. Every once in awhile I’d catch the movement of a blind, and I knew that big man was checking to see if I was still out there. I just kept praying, begging God to give me the courage to just go up to the door and tell them I’d come for Amy. But I couldn’t do it.”

  Cade started to speak, but Annalisa held up her hand. “I need to tell you the rest.” She took a deep breath. “About midnight, I was still praying and suddenly the story of Solomon and the two women popped into my head. Remember when the two women both claimed the same baby and Solomon said he’d just cut the baby in two pieces and give half to both? The real mother readily gave the baby to the other woman in order to save the child’s life, and Solomon could see from her love who the baby really belonged to.”

  Was she thinking that if she was willing to give Amy up then the child must really belong with her? Cade wondered.

  “A peace that has evaded me for seven years washed over me tonight when I thought of that story. My little sister is so blessed. She has the Montgomerys who love her like that mother did her baby. And she has me. I’ll love her and pray for her every day of my life, although she’ll never know it.”

  She reached over and took Cade’s hand and squeezed it. “I looked for her all these years to give her what she was miss­ing and, if I’m honest, to fill an empty place inside of me. Tonight, I realized she isn’t lacking anything. She has the love of a family and the love of God.

  “At first I felt really sorry for myself. Then I thought of you and the whole bunch here at Circle-M, and I knew I had the same exact thing she did. Neither of us were missing any­thing.”

  Cade pulled her to standing and enfolded her in his arms. When she snuggled against him, he smiled. “Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?”

  “Hmm. . .” Her teasing smile warmed the last chilled cor­ners of his heart. “That’s not exactly what I was looking for from you, but I’ll take it for starters.”

  They laughed, then he remembered there were things she still didn’t know. “Before we go there, want me to fill in the blanks about Amy’s life?”

  “Please.”

  He told her all that Red Montgomery had told him. When he explained about her dad’s complication of the adoption proceedings, she sank down on the couch.

  “That old rascal. In a way, the Montgomerys have been waiting for Amy as long as I have, thanks to him.”

  Cade nodded and sat down beside her. “But ‘that old ras­cal’ did repent. Thanks to the Montgomerys, he became a Christian before he died.”

  “I can’t believe it.” She closed her eyes and leaned her head against Cade’s shoulder. He watched tears of joy seep from under her eyelids.

  They sat in silence for a few minutes, then Cade cleared his throat. “Annalisa, as far as what you were looking for from me. . .you probably already know. . .but I wanted to tell you again.” He paused and glanced at her, hoping to read her reaction.

  Her mouth was slightly open, and her eyes were still closed. When he leaned his ear toward her, her even breathing con­firmed his suspicions. She’d fallen asleep in the middle of his declaration of love.

  Chapter Twenty

  Annalisa rolled over and stretched in the sunshine that streamed across her bed. She opened her eyes and pushed herself to a sitting position. The little alarm clock beside her bed showed ten o’clock.

  She jumped to her feet, then looked down. Why had she slept in her clothes? Memories of the day before pounded into her sleep-numbed mind like a herd of stampeding cattle.

  The last thing she remembered was sitting beside Cade on the couch. She must have dozed off. Her sandals were on the floor by the bed, so apparently he’d carried her in and taken her shoes off.

  She sat back down on the edge of the bed. A knock sounded on the door.

  “Come in.”

  The door opened slowly, and Aunt Gertie, her hands laden with a tray, eased into the room. Bacon, eggs, biscuits, sau­sage, French toast, juice, and milk weighed the platter down. The older woman transferred her burden to the antique dresser and turned to Annalisa with a smile.

  “Did you have to make breakfast? I’m sorry.”

  Aunt Gertie shook her head and grinned. “Cade insisted on fixing it himself. He took the boys on out to the barn, but I told him I’d listen for when you woke up and bring it to you.” Tears filled her eyes, and she leaned forward to embrace Annalisa. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

  “Me too.” She returned the woman’s hug.

  “I’d better get out of here and let you eat in peace.”

  “You sure you don’t want to share this food?” Annalisa arched an eyebrow at the tray. “I’d say there’s more than enough.”

  Aunt Gertie shook her head. “Thanks, anyway, Hon. I’ve already had breakfast. I’m going to go listen to my radio pro­gram while I finish my coffee.”

  After the woman left, Annalisa fell back across the bed and lay there basking in the sunshine. She almost laughed as she remembered asking God to give her the courage to do what she needed to do. She’d meant so she’d be brave enough to fight for Amy, but he’d given her the courage to walk away, instead.

  Now, in the bright light of day, she had lingering doubts. For seven years, she’d had one goal, and overnight, it was gone. The few minutes she’d heard Amy’s voice and watched her laugh and play were infinitely precious, but abysmally short. Deep down, though, Annalisa knew she’d made the right choice.

  Dear God, thank You so much for giving me courage and granting me a tiny bit of wisdom. And, Father? Thank You for bringing me home to Cade. In Jesus’ name, amen.

  Annalisa hurriedly ate and then showered. When she got to the kit
chen all was quiet. She could hear Aunt Gertie’s radio program playing in the den. The dishes had been cleaned up and the counter was clear, except for a white envelope with her name on it.

  She tore into it with trembling hands. What was that cow­boy up to now?

  Meet me in our secret garden—C.

  Anticipation raced through her. “I’m going outside,” she called to Aunt Gertie.

  “Okay, Dear,” the woman called back from the den.

  Annalisa soaked in the familiar surroundings as she walked out to the rose garden. She slipped quietly around the barn, so she wouldn’t run into anyone. The last thing she wanted was to be detained.

  She pushed open the white gate and stared at the group assembled on the swing. Juan, Tim, and Matthew, sat side-by-side, broad grins on their faces. When she approached them, Juan cleared his throat. “Welcome,” he said and nudged Tim, who giggled.

  “Home,” Tim said and nudged Matthew.

  Annalisa realized with horror they expected Matthew to say something. What could she do to ease the awkwardness for him? Where was Cade?

  The redheaded boy’s grin never faltered, though, as Annalisa looked on in dismay. “Annalisa,” he finished proudly.

  “Matthew!” He stood and hugged her. She looked at Tim and Juan. “Thank you. . .” Tears sprang to her eyes. “Thank you all.”

  “We’ve got something to ask you.” Tim jumped out of the swing and began to scamper around her excitedly.

  “Hold on there, Buddy.” Cade’s deep voice came from behind Annalisa. “I’ll take it from here.”

  The three boys each gave Cade a high-five on the way out of the gate.

  Annalisa sat down in the swing. “Cade, why didn’t you tell me Matthew was talking?”

  “Hmm. . .when was I supposed to do that? Before or after you fell asleep last night?”

  She felt heat creep up her face. “I’m sorry. My eyes wouldn’t stay open. I hope I didn’t miss anything important.”